AboutFull Stack Software Engineer, Electrical Engineering Student driven by OCD & Club Mate.
Joined devRant on 4/25/2017
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I fucking hate december. It's as dark outside as in a hobo's ass standing in a tunnel during a solar eclipse and there is "love" and "friends" everywhere.
Time for some nordic doom metal.10
What's the most complex programming task you ever had to solve? Or: A "hack"* of a framework/API you came up with to make something work?
*undocumented or unintended use4
Am I a machochistic fuck?
This sunday I had the glorious idea to fix a not-so-recent Wordpress website for a friend.
Imagine an upgrade from 3.3.2 to 4.9.8! (and PHP 5.5.old to 7.2.new
Oh boy. I thought it was impossible, because the site uses a free theme from 2012 and had some other plugins installed.
But what kind of developer am I, if I give up so easily?
I forced XAMPP to run PHP 5.6.stoneage in order to let me debug this thing. After some fixing in different files, I was able to get the admin panel back, disabled some plugins and then overwrote the installation with WP 4.9.8. After firing up the admin panel I had to fix 20 differend PHP files in the plugins.
Finally! After the plugins were updated, all worked again.
Except for the backend part of this free crappy theme. It uses an old version of JQuery UI widgets with custom mods.
I've done enough for today so I let it be like this. I'm not in the mood to load a second JQuery version.4
The worst architecture I've seen is WordPress.
How can you be so drunk to design such a filthy mess?
In some way PHP might be to blame. Its API is a fucking mess as well and may have stirred WP developers in this puke around so they couldn't come up with a better CMS architecture.
Don't get me wrong. I do love PHP. But only in it's OO form with namespaces and type hints and composer dependencies.
I've seen enough of PHP functional programming and it still haunts me.9
Today was the first time I used WebWorkers. I loaded it with a hyphenator script because fucking Chrome is still not able to do hyphenation on its own. For the main thread I wrote an injectable Angular service as a wrapper and to enqueue hyphenation work.
So far it works pretty smooth and quickly.
Have you used WebWorkers before? What for?4
I wonder how many decades it will take until employees stop to fucking stick their passwords to the computer screen at their station. It is a complete fucking nightmare if you are responsible for the network!
Can we bring back the guillotine? But it must be stub!
Those nitwits shall suffer!27
These fucking nitwits who write on a non-stackoverflow site that they "solved it", without giving any clue whatsofuckingever about how they actually solved the problem, can all go take a shower in perchloric acid mixed with 2 days old hobo piss.1
Talking in buzz words is just a substitute for wanking, but without actually creeping the shit out of people by pulling out your wank organs.3
I hate that fucking feeling, when I am 9001% certain that the bug is caused by the shitty framework because I tested every detail and could exclude my code as the culprit, but later realize it was in fact myself, because I overlooked one pissing line.
Yeah yeah, good ol' DropBox.
Which fucking piss-wanker has made the decision to NOT SUPPORT encrypted ext4 starting in november???
You think I'm going to reformat my SSD just for you, you little stinky cunt, huh?
CrapBox has hearned itself a place in /dev/null
Go fuck yourself, you hobo-raped STD host!12
I'd really fucking love if somebody developed a browser plugin which puts a red fucking glowing banner over every website which sends data to PRISM.
Users deserve to know what cunty sell-out crapsites they visit.14
Here's a big "cheers" out to @AlexDeLarge! Alex, if you read this, enjoy a big gulp of that smokey, precious "Elixir"! 🥃
May he not be plagued by any Wordcunt clients anymore.3
One day after the release of the website of a medium sized travel company, I made a big mistake by accidentally taking it offline for 1 hour during peak usage (~150 simultaneous visitors).
Turns out deleting the wrong image transformation cache folder in production can hang up the PHP process for taking too much load on regenerating image transformations.
The designer of PHP probably took a big load too while creating the first draft.9
Firebase... the kind of hosting you seem to be friends with, but if you're honest, you would really like to kill it by sticking a flamethrower in its ass, happily pulling the trigger, while singing "Oh happy day" in full vocals.
The people who wrote the whole thing must have smoked crystal meth through a hobo's raped intestine to come up with such a turd fest. WTF.
If it wasn't for my boss, I'd have ran far away to nerver hear of this tripper infested crap again!6
The laziest thing I've done was during an internship:
We had to open big table files in a special software, click on some buttons and then save it. Each step took 1-5 minutes untilnwe could proceed with a click on the next button. So I wrote a click script, predefined the mouse positions and run it all day. This was able to run for 1 hour straight with no human action needed, so I started using the new sparetime for more interesting stuff: Gaming.3
Screaming at a coworker?
The INTJ in me has prevented that pretty well in almost every critical devSituation.
BUT one time in the past, I was really close to a level 9001 scream:
This fucker, despite having been told about code formatting guidelines and DRY/KISS multiple times, had the balls to commit such utterly crappy and unreadable code that I almost bursted.
He quickly realized his mistake after I reset the repo to before his push, disabled his Gitlab account and wrote him a simple email containing the text:
"IF YOU EVER COMMIT SUCH SHIT AGAIN, THERE WILL BE UNFORESEEN CONSEQUENCES. GFYS."
After a peaceful coffee and a croissant I decided to re-enable his account. He did good after that.5
The people who wrote the specs for SAP OCI should be hanged by rusty barbed wire while being tickled by krusty the clown.
Why not fucking respond with the actual god damn fucking data?
Some "senior" (read "senile") software "engineer" has to get decapitated.
Quote from the specification (OCI Function: VALIDATE, section 2.3.2):
The only thing that should get sent after loading would be these people's asses to hell after my minigun has finished loading.
SAP is the kind of company who earns a huge junk of money from utter, stinking, filthy crap and they like to piss in their customers' "müesli".7
For fucks sake! It's 2018 and MS™ Excel™ is still not able to store a file in UTF-8...
And neither can you choose the separators when opening a CSV.
Go eat a bag of corporate dicks and greedily choke on it to an agonizing death.5
Come the fuck on!
AngularJS, or should I call it AidsJS, seems to magically stop sending data as 'form-data'.
2 hours of debugging and this rusty piece of junk won't bow down before my magic hands!
Go eat a rotten turd candy, Google!4
- Hey how are your fingers today, do they still hurt?
- They're OK, why do you ask?
- Oh, then it must have been your lack of programming skills which made me puke while looking at your code.1
Let me tell you a story:
One upon a time poor lil PonySlaystation received a call. It was a nice guy who cried about his WordPress website had been hacked. So the clusterfuck began...
He gave me the login credentials for the hosting back-end, DB, FTP and CMS.
A hacked WP site was not new for me. It was probably the 6th of maybe 10 I had to do with.
What I didn't expect was the hosting back-end.
Imagine yourself back in 1999 when you tried to learn PHP and MySQL and all was so interesting and cool and you had infinite possibilities! Now forget all these great feelings and just take that ancient technology to 2018 and apply it to a PAID FUCKING HOSTING PROVIDER!
HOLY FUCKING ASSRAPE!
Wanna know what PHP version?
5.3.11, released the day before gomorrah was wiped.
The passwords? Stored in fucking plaintext. Shown right next to the table name and DB user name in the back-end. Same with FTP users.
EXCUSE ME, WHAT THE FUCK?!
I have to call Elon Musk and order some Boring Company Flame Throwers to get rid of this.
Long story long, I set up a new WP, changed all passwords and told the nice guy to get a decent hoster.4
Most hours of work at once?
A coworker and I did an allnighter because our boss gave us a tight fucking deadline (luckily that almost never happens).
We started normal work at 06:30 and were finisted at 09:30 the next day. Summed up break time: 1h 15m.
I remember that my coworker went home after that but fell asleep in the train and woke up 2 hours later half across the country. Poor soul.
When he left, my boss just arrived in the office and I had to stay 2 hours longer to fix bugs we implemented during our caffeine overdose...
It later turned out that the whole mess was useless, because the client put the project on hold. That was about 8 months ago, or 12, I don't even remember.2
I still have the best boss. He's very open-minded and lets me do my job without much interference.
But if I have to collaborate with him in one more project, I go take a peaceful drown in a bucket of sewage!
He codes like a first semester CS student.
Howdy my binary friends and those who identify as an attack helicopter or an Amiga 500, I was away from devRant for about 2 weeks or 4 because I had to order a new touchscreen (who cares anyway).
Have I missed something on devRant?
Let me just freshen up my dictionary with Alex's rants, be right back.28
On a website, which is still online, I added a burping sound when you click on 3 old alpine herdsmen who sit on a bench in the background image.16
If we had a devRant vote on the most annoying word of 2018, I'd vote for "token".
Token here, token there, token yourself in the rear!
Some project I'm currently working on has to fetch 4 different tokens for these syphillis-ridden external CUNTful APIs.
Your mother inhales dicks at the trainstation toilet for one token!4
(A fucking pushy assrat of a LinkedIn recruiter called me at my job today, this is my message after he cowardly hung up before I could inherit the call from our secretary)
Dear Mr. $PUSHY_RECRUITER
Please don't call me again, as I already wrote you my unavailability in March.
I don't see your logic in calling me AT MY JOB. It does not make any sense except if you just wanted to call me to see if I'm still there and then hang up like a fucking coward.
If you really wanted to hire me, you should have written me a more thorough description about the job after my initial message of unavailability thus creating the chance for me to reconsider your offer.
But since you seemingly thought it was an absolutely great idea to call me at the workplace (thus making me look really bad in the eyes of my coworkers) I wish you a sincere and honest "fuck you".
Please don't ever call or message me again.
I am extremely happy at my current job and will not consider leaving in the next 100 years.
Yet another pissed off developer.6