AboutFull Stack Software Engineer, Electrical Engineering Student driven by OCD & Club Mate.
Joined devRant on 4/25/2017
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Firebase... the kind of hosting you seem to be friends with, but if you're honest, you would really like to kill it by sticking a flamethrower in its ass, happily pulling the trigger, while singing "Oh happy day" in full vocals.
The people who wrote the whole thing must have smoked crystal meth through a hobo's raped intestine to come up with such a turd fest. WTF.
If it wasn't for my boss, I'd have ran far away to nerver hear of this tripper infested crap again!6
The laziest thing I've done was during an internship:
We had to open big table files in a special software, click on some buttons and then save it. Each step took 1-5 minutes untilnwe could proceed with a click on the next button. So I wrote a click script, predefined the mouse positions and run it all day. This was able to run for 1 hour straight with no human action needed, so I started using the new sparetime for more interesting stuff: Gaming.3
Screaming at a coworker?
The INTJ in me has prevented that pretty well in almost every critical devSituation.
BUT one time in the past, I was really close to a level 9001 scream:
This fucker, despite having been told about code formatting guidelines and DRY/KISS multiple times, had the balls to commit such utterly crappy and unreadable code that I almost bursted.
He quickly realized his mistake after I reset the repo to before his push, disabled his Gitlab account and wrote him a simple email containing the text:
"IF YOU EVER COMMIT SUCH SHIT AGAIN, THERE WILL BE UNFORESEEN CONSEQUENCES. GFYS."
After a peaceful coffee and a croissant I decided to re-enable his account. He did good after that.5
The people who wrote the specs for SAP OCI should be hanged by rusty barbed wire while being tickled by krusty the clown.
Why not fucking respond with the actual god damn fucking data?
Some "senior" (read "senile") software "engineer" has to get decapitated.
Quote from the specification (OCI Function: VALIDATE, section 2.3.2):
The only thing that should get sent after loading would be these people's asses to hell after my minigun has finished loading.
SAP is the kind of company who earns a huge junk of money from utter, stinking, filthy crap and they like to piss in their customers' "müesli".7
For fucks sake! It's 2018 and MS™ Excel™ is still not able to store a file in UTF-8...
And neither can you choose the separators when opening a CSV.
Go eat a bag of corporate dicks and greedily choke on it to an agonizing death.5
Come the fuck on!
AngularJS, or should I call it AidsJS, seems to magically stop sending data as 'form-data'.
2 hours of debugging and this rusty piece of junk won't bow down before my magic hands!
Go eat a rotten turd candy, Google!4
- Hey how are your fingers today, do they still hurt?
- They're OK, why do you ask?
- Oh, then it must have been your lack of programming skills which made me puke while looking at your code.1
Let me tell you a story:
One upon a time poor lil PonySlaystation received a call. It was a nice guy who cried about his WordPress website had been hacked. So the clusterfuck began...
He gave me the login credentials for the hosting back-end, DB, FTP and CMS.
A hacked WP site was not new for me. It was probably the 6th of maybe 10 I had to do with.
What I didn't expect was the hosting back-end.
Imagine yourself back in 1999 when you tried to learn PHP and MySQL and all was so interesting and cool and you had infinite possibilities! Now forget all these great feelings and just take that ancient technology to 2018 and apply it to a PAID FUCKING HOSTING PROVIDER!
HOLY FUCKING ASSRAPE!
Wanna know what PHP version?
5.3.11, released the day before gomorrah was wiped.
The passwords? Stored in fucking plaintext. Shown right next to the table name and DB user name in the back-end. Same with FTP users.
EXCUSE ME, WHAT THE FUCK?!
I have to call Elon Musk and order some Boring Company Flame Throwers to get rid of this.
Long story long, I set up a new WP, changed all passwords and told the nice guy to get a decent hoster.4
Most hours of work at once?
A coworker and I did an allnighter because our boss gave us a tight fucking deadline (luckily that almost never happens).
We started normal work at 06:30 and were finisted at 09:30 the next day. Summed up break time: 1h 15m.
I remember that my coworker went home after that but fell asleep in the train and woke up 2 hours later half across the country. Poor soul.
When he left, my boss just arrived in the office and I had to stay 2 hours longer to fix bugs we implemented during our caffeine overdose...
It later turned out that the whole mess was useless, because the client put the project on hold. That was about 8 months ago, or 12, I don't even remember.2
I still have the best boss. He's very open-minded and lets me do my job without much interference.
But if I have to collaborate with him in one more project, I go take a peaceful drown in a bucket of sewage!
He codes like a first semester CS student.
Howdy my binary friends and those who identify as an attack helicopter or an Amiga 500, I was away from devRant for about 2 weeks or 4 because I had to order a new touchscreen (who cares anyway).
Have I missed something on devRant?
Let me just freshen up my dictionary with Alex's rants, be right back.28
On a website, which is still online, I added a burping sound when you click on 3 old alpine herdsmen who sit on a bench in the background image.16
If we had a devRant vote on the most annoying word of 2018, I'd vote for "token".
Token here, token there, token yourself in the rear!
Some project I'm currently working on has to fetch 4 different tokens for these syphillis-ridden external CUNTful APIs.
Your mother inhales dicks at the trainstation toilet for one token!4
(A fucking pushy assrat of a LinkedIn recruiter called me at my job today, this is my message after he cowardly hung up before I could inherit the call from our secretary)
Dear Mr. $PUSHY_RECRUITER
Please don't call me again, as I already wrote you my unavailability in March.
I don't see your logic in calling me AT MY JOB. It does not make any sense except if you just wanted to call me to see if I'm still there and then hang up like a fucking coward.
If you really wanted to hire me, you should have written me a more thorough description about the job after my initial message of unavailability thus creating the chance for me to reconsider your offer.
But since you seemingly thought it was an absolutely great idea to call me at the workplace (thus making me look really bad in the eyes of my coworkers) I wish you a sincere and honest "fuck you".
Please don't ever call or message me again.
I am extremely happy at my current job and will not consider leaving in the next 100 years.
Yet another pissed off developer.6
Drunk as in wasted?
I've never coded in such a pitiful state because it kills all concentration cells, but a Depressados once in a while makes enthusiasm +10 and stressIgnoring +50.6
Firebase is pure fucking assrape!
How can these spoiled cunts of Google "develop" such a stinking pile of rotten placenta?
No, one fucking Promise is not enough... you have to return Promises for every single smegma function!
I want to just blow up this ugly afterbirth!!
It seems that Google devs are just spoiled MacCunt Pro brats who copy-paste code around until something "kind of works".14
It's a really interesting discussion, when your boss tells you that it's a perfectly fine idea to directly use a Firebase DB from an Angular web app by storing the Admin Auth Token in a variable in JS.
Thank the spaghetti monster, I was able to argue against it and use the already partially implemented RESTful API with the already used auth.
He basically wanted to save time and omit extra login routes.
It's OK to save time and not implement $randomFeatures.
BUT DON'T FUCKING TRY TO SAVE TIME ON SECURITY!
If it wasn't for me, this web app would turn into a bigger gaping (security) asshole than Sasha Grey's...6
Ideas for future weekly question:
- Where will you see yourself in 5 years?
- Do you automate tasks when developing and what kind of automation do you write yourself or use?
- What do you think about hooking up with someone from work?
- What are your thoughts about books in IT?
- How do you make your workplace comfortable?
- How would you change your company if you became the boss today?
- What are your thoughts about the future of computer input devices (kb & mice)?
- What are your prevention measures agains Skynet?
- When will HL3 be released?
- What's the solution to everything?6
Hey, wanna hear a disappointing stack?
- vanilla inline CSS
- shitty random legacy PHP
The author is NOT responsible nor liable for any injuries, mental health issues, sanitary problems, asexuality, crippling depression, triggered by this rant nor liable for any damaged walls, hurt animals or deaths.14
My first project at the job was implenting a website, designed by the same company we mostly worked with.
It was very stressful because half of the 2 months calculated for finishing the project, these genius designers needed for their design. Until then, I had almost no tasks to do...
When the designs finally came, I worked on it and two weeks later was a meeting for review and to decide about some details.
These fuckers then concluded, that the whole design did not fit the page and that they would rework it.
Two weeks later, on the planned release day, we finally received it. A completely fucking different design! Wow!
My boss was pretty angry and so was I. We had to move the release 4 weeks ahead, the client was pissed like a stinking hobo and it needed a lot of convincing to keep that client...
It's fucking nerve-wracking as well that we always have to wait in most projects for weeks for clients or designers to add the content before we can publish a website.
They don't seem to care if they have 2 months or 2 weeks, we never were able to release one single project on time, because of these lazy fuckers...3
Hey, looks like some employee of this hosting company failed to 750 his home directory and 640 the files...
I was SSHing around on our hosting account when I slipped into his home direcory where at least two(!) SSH public keys of his admin account for the server were readable!
Being an honest guy, I had to call them...
It's fixed now.2
Magento is a special kind of tool.
- >20GiB of files? ✔
- >1 GB database? ✔
- Memory needed for scripts >768 MB? ✔
- Script max. exec. time 5 hours? ✔
- Slow ass website? FUCKING ✔
- Slower deployment than a vote on a country wide legislation? FUCKING ✔
- Shitty crap pile of STD-ridden code? I BET YOUR STINKING ✔
Magento, sincerely, please die in agony.11
After 3 days of digging through the documentation of CraftCMS and Yii Framework I got the hang out of how these Controllers, Actions and other RESTful api stuff works on Craft3.
As some of you may have noticed, I am a big fan of CraftCMS (v2) since it was introduced to me. A few days ago we discussed a new project and the option go for Craft3, as it has been released for some time now.
The changes from v2 to v3 are huge... I didn't expect to almost reach my limit to give up on it!
But since the RESTful routes finally work, with proper data serializing and all, I will now go drink a Whiskey or ten and wish you all an awesome, client-disturbance-free, decadent, beerful weekend!
My social life is currently mosty consisting of being social with computers, therefore my socialLife and devLife are pretty much balanced.
Aaaah, I fucking love it to death, when customers spontaneously decide to hire a separate, unrelated company to add new content pages to the website developed by our company.
That furuncle of a company must have had real pro devs to just create a new /html folder, dump their shit content in there and just manually add links in the existing CMS pages.
As you might already have expected, the /html folder contains:
- static *.html files for every page
- inline CSS in the *.html
- the crappiest PHP mailing script I have ever witnessed
- images with random resolutions, mostly too small
The layout of these puke-ridden pages obviously doesn't fit neither the existing color palette, nor has anything common with the current layout or typography at all.
These bastards don't even use Git!
Come on, dear customer, could you PLEASE fucking NOT hire a completely separate company to do OUR job?
I had to compare the whole deployment folder with our repo to find out what else these brain-damaged cunts changed in our code!4
Ah fucking hell.
I hate it when my boss goes the path of least resistance to implement something.
Of course declaring a class property with the "any" type (TypeScript) is a fucking lot easier than to properly write an interface for it and declare the property with that type.
Thank god I have holidays, otherwise I would hatepunch his fucking monitor. Twice.2