Well, it took me 7 hours but I finally made it.

I have a functional Arch Linux installation on my new laptop.

oh except the audio fails from time to time but it'll work eventually
and my hard disk starts clicking whenever I reboot even though I keep disabling its "power management"
and for fucks sake will you please mount my usb when i tell you to
and my touchpad doesn't work

but I can code and play games on it so whatever it's functional