So I found a bug in Azure's alerting platform that means we cannot use response time as a condition.
A month down the line after having raised a support ticket, recreated the bug multiple times in different resources, being told a fix had been made, bouncing emails around to supervisors and having the case moved to other people they finally have come back to me saying they have the real fix.

Done with it

I never understood why writing data to a database had to be such a complicated process, at least in production systems.
I shouldn't need a PhD to figure out how the db was configured.