My job gave me 500 euros as Christmas gift. And I didn't redeemed the gift card from last year so that's 1000 extra euros who arrived at the right time (coz I got no money).

Not having money with your income stays a miracle to me. But very awesome. Will the marriage be expensive?

gift cards expire

I think the lead dev I had got pissed at me cuz I didn't redeem her 30$ Amazon gift card. I don't buy anything from Amazon and Amazon sucks up here in Canada

@retoor bruxelles is fucking expensive, I have to pay half of my income in taxes and she's not working

@jestdotty why would he be pissed on that? And why would you go 30 euro's go away? It's a cheap book. Would be happy.

@retoor I was just busy and didn't think anything of it

people keep calling me autistic and I'm starting to get why. I just ignore social signals on purpose cuz the idea of pandering to people seems so stressful. but basically I think because I had just met her and this was around Christmas and she gave me the stupid gift card and I ignored it I probably made a bad impression, and perhaps things spiraled down from there. later she basically said I had a bad attitude or something along those lines. I don't want to play social games, sounds stressful. like you're supposed to smile and seem grateful but I think Amazon sucks and 30$ is irrelevant. me having to figure out Amazon is worth like 300$ to me at best. but instead I'm being blackmailed into this stupid social ritual and I'm autistic if I don't do it. excellent. autistic in the best case, "bad attitude" if someone doesn't slap autistic on me I guess which is worse because then they do shitty inappropriate things

@jestdotty the Russians were right about psychology. It's a weapon. Someone calling you our suspecting you to be autistic is not a nice gesture. You should react like "Oh really? WE thought that YOU WHERE. haha, funny.". He will ask who's "we?". Say, "Whoops, I mean I, don't worry ;)" and let him doubt about himself.
Nobody wants to be autistic because it's a word for different meaning in not positive way.

If soneone dares to say smth like that to me I would consider there's smth wrong in the relationship already.

I have a friend I expect to be autistic but has a great life, so what's the point saying smth about it. He doesn't face issues. Someone said him that once and he came very surprised to me like "wtf?" and even then I didn't say that I have that idea because I do not see any, any value in marking them that.

That someone wants to mark someone isn't with good meaning behind it.

Most people that have diagnoses have multiple. They have two issues: insecure and naive.

@retoor if you can make a person believe he has one issue, you can also make it believe that it has five issues. You're also batshit crazy if you let diagnose yourself, letting you get defined by some person. While ago watched a movie about a psychologist that joined existence rebellion because she often had to cry about climate. People LIKE THAT... DOING DIAGNOSIS ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH? God damn, happy that is was a psychologist and not a psychiatrist. I had a psychiatrist visiting me last week. It was a complete shit show. He said "it seems that you don't care." "No it doesn't, I also literally say that." "Most people care." "SO WHAT.". The conversation wasn't heated but I was like wtf wtf wtf. You have to think x, it's wrong. Not caring about it is even worse. That's just even considered weird. I told him what the outcome from the conversation would be at the beginning. In the end, I asked him and I was right. Wraaaaaaahhh.. FUCKERS. they're predictable as F. Game is rigged.

@retoor everybody is like that tho, so I don't think there's much of a choice (re: "oh that's funny, WE thought there was something wrong with you!")

yeah I don't buy what people say about me, I'm fine with that. I just don't do well when people harass me. it's not about the words but then that they do shitty things, like rumour things to someone who can make decisions about the course of my life

being tagged autistic is better than being tagged as "bad attitude" or whatever the hell, cuz one they still play along with you and the other they say you're persona non-grata, lie about you to others, tell you inconsistent information passive aggressively, and eventually fire you once the smear campaigns are done with and you lose faith in humanity for people buying all that shit. maybe I should stop being an engineer and become a politician

@retoor yeah you either get stuffed into their box of the behaviours they want out of you or they'll try to gaslight it as you having a problem, to lower your self-esteem to soften you up for the gaslighting. repeat. how it works. brainwashing tactic

if you eat the shame, you'll trust your instincts and intuitions less, then you'll listen to theirs (bonus, if their tactics stress you out your instincts and intuitions might actually start to hallucinate! double whammy!)
next step is to tire out your thinking, so that you stop trying to do it

then you have no belief in yourself, no trust in yourself
and you also have no logical defenses, you won't ask critical questions because you're tired. this especially works if every time you ask they shame you for asking or otherwise emotionally hurt you for asking. it teaches you that thinking is painful and you should stop it. it's called thought terminating cliches in cults

@retoor after that, if you are ever in pain you seek external help because no belief in self so you end up in learned helplessness and will not solve your own problems,
and you will accept whatever you're told without critically evaluating it because you were Pavlov shocked until you ceased engaging in your thinking functionality

they're training you like a dog into that state. you are to be a NPC

this is also why it's convenient to label people as insane. because clearly you're horribly violating a person as you do all this, but if you label them insane then there's "justification" to treat them this way. their current beliefs are insane so it's okay for us to keep treating them like Pavlov's dog until we can make them "sane"!

it's disgusting and inhumane though. as long as a person isn't harming anyone this should never be done. you are not god. you are as insane as they are, and there is no objective measure possible of it other than God, and you're not that god

@jestdotty Some people think I've attitude too because I just feel good about myself. Is forbidden these days. People don't like someone feeling good about themselves. It's more popular to bring someone else down than upper yourself. That's why it affects me zero too. People like Sid for example. Idiot. There's just someone having fun with her bot. Ofc it annoyed some people. Obvious, then that loser needs some points. For someone that cares so much about points he's not doing well.

@retoor I don't know why Sid did that. I don't think indians are very smart though, and he's gonna bitch about that being racist but it's actually an excuse for the retarded behavior that then ends up making him not personally liable for his behavior, makes it a cultural misunderstanding instead

cuz you view him as a friend and he seems to not get it. he does say how much he likes money and all that also so maybe it's his own actions and not Indian culture related. getting distracted

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I have a problem with expending effort and I meditated on it yesterday. it occurred to me if I put in effort I feel guilty, and that the opposite of that guilt is pride. you flexing is you having pride I think.

I have noticed people seem to hate "happiness". I talked to my bf about this and he was confused. but he's a high pride-shame axis guy. I think I get it now. he gets very funny if someone insults his pride, I love it. but that's it, it's not hat people dislike happiness, they hate pride

@jestdotty I have so much bad experience with MANY Indians. All work related. And the one Indian that was actually OK, sold our emailaddress list with customers. Sid was all the hope for India had left for me. Now i'm done. Fuck India and everyone within it. Also our spammers have Indian mail servers.

They make people racist. "But you can't say a whole group is *****". Sure I can, ever met them? My stepsister is Indian but we've learned her how to Dutch and she has wooden shoes.

@retoor damnit that was maybe a mess

so basically if I put in effort growing up it would make other people feel bad

so I feel guilty when I put in effort because it's now a principle of mine not to put in a lot of effort otherwise I'll make people feel bad

&then apparently this got mixed up with a bunch of other things

work, they exploited me if I put in effort. I originally thought maybe that was the problem but it actually isn't

&the roommate I had always tried to shame me for putting in effort. this also didn't do anything, I'm not ashamed of me putting in effort. but I do feel guilty

so all this social signalling just reinforced the original guilt I did make years ago
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I do like that you're happy 😊
I think the world is too busy being morose and nihilistic, so it's a breathe of fresh air. I've been thinking about this flexing stuff I guess for a while. it's good. maybe I'll figure it out one day. don't let them get you down, you got it figured it out better than they do!

@retoor oh lmao

@retoor I want to be autistic, and I am. But if I wasn’t, I still would’ve wanted to be autistic. Autistic is cool