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Father bought a PC in 1997. Back then very few had it. I learned doing things like accessing the internet and sending emails, among others. I remember having added age on websites to be allowed to sign up at times :P My sisters used to play games on it sometimes. The first few ones we had were Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation, Tomb Raider Chronicles, American McGee's Alice(Which caused us to upgrade the PC xD)... And some others.

I have a memory of this pseudo-3D-looking game where you move in a maze and try answering questions. I want to remember its name, but I cannot :(

We literally have video evidence of me liking the computer as a child, yet my parents either say I'm addicted or deny I've ever liked it before. Not only that, but continuously limiting my time with the PC hasn't been a literal obstacle in my way of trying to do things in their opinion. Funny how my parents think the last few years I've been my worst when they've hurt me in those years so much that our relationship is guaranteed not working out. There were doubts in my head before, but now it's cemented and there is no way of going back. Father, for example, tells me it's too late to do anything with a PC now(As well as how I've been unable to use the PC. He looks at these pro players' footage in some TV show and he's like, „You've been unable to use your hobbies“, as if they have never ever screamed at me for perceived gaming and not actually cared to check), and I need to look for a „real“ job.

Sorry. I went to bed at 2:00 in the morning. Feel like a zombie because of ongoing weirdly insufficient sleep, even though I sleep kinda more than normal. Even when I took Melatonine for that it didn't help at all.

Childhood was where beating began. I was about 6/7. Right when I entered school. The first school that I attended was a private one and supposedly for „Wunderkinds“, while in reality I haven't seen a SINGLE teacher or psychologist approve of it, their argument being that children were basically drowned in work that wasn't age-appropriate(I don't mean anything bad. Just that teaching about Galaxies and all in first grade isn't the brightest idea). There was always a mountain of homework to do and as opposed to some other countries, we had to do it on a day to day basis. We didn't have a week-long deadline. I was predictably not keeping up with it as I could have, had it been a normal amount, so my parents decided I didn't want to study and began their methods of getting me to „study“. I have yet to see a person able to keep up with that school's tempo, no matter the age.

This place was also where I got bullied. I felt I had nowhere to be: At home, the parents' situation, at school, the bully. I never really went outside to play with other children, so I missed that part of childhood.

After the second year of school I was transferred to an advanced German school, called like that because they taught German and not English there. I also got to learn a bit of Russian before they removed it from school. In that period I used to attend ballet. But for less than a year. And piano, which I remember having attended for quite a long while, some years, if my memory isn't fried. I quit it because of it having been forced on me. Last piece I ever played fully was Beethoven's Marmotte.

In this school I was once again the outcast of the class. I had some people to interact with. All of those interactions lasted a few years at most. Then, because of a part of my class choosing me as a laughing-stock N2 and another girl as the N1, I found my best friend, who I still have today. She's the only friend I have nearby.

Most of the time I hated myself. Even today I struggle with that sometimes.

After that came university. This us where I got something like a friend circle at last. But it still didn't last. I got in a relationship with one of the guys, but I was just attracted. There was another I couldn't dare getting close to. Turns out he also had something for me. Then he disappeared from our lives and a year after, I still cannot forget the person. If I want to, I have to deprive myself of my own personality. Not a thing I'm willing to give up. Then I broke up with the guy I was in a relationship with and completely disappeared from the friendship circle. To be honest, I had reasons to. They refused to even try to look for the guy and they called him a friend for years. Sometimes parents hitting me can occur even today, but if I REALLY piss them off.

Now I'm here and oh, my God, I'm officially am aunt now! My sister gave birth to a daughter this morning... She's in Berlin with mother and both she and the child are doing great. I just hope she manages to be a good mother.

Comments
  • 17
    That’s one incredible journey you have suffered through 😰
  • 31
    @C0D4 What can I say?

    Most of my life I spent reacting, instead of living.
  • 11
    @BlueNutterfly
    You’re still relatively young...
    throw the bad behind you and start living, seems like you are more then deserving of a fresh start.
  • 27
    @C0D4 If I could get my mind to cooperate, I'd be golden. Guess what? It just trolls me all the time -_-
  • 13
    I feel bad for ++ but, it’s supportive. I can relate to some certain aspects, but no one can truly fully relate... Your story, although is a struggle it’s a beautiful one. It’s perfectly imperfect and that... that’s perfect. Life’s a bitch full of ups and downs and a lot of assholes along the way with their hands on our shoulders droning us with the front “it’s for your own good” - go fuck yourself...

    What I can say, although the road has been bumpy and a lot of it you may have barely been able to crawl to make it this far, I’m glad you’re here... all of you, because even though I don’t “know you” I feel like I do, and knowing some of your story makes it feel that much more real. So thank you for that and I’m glad you’re here.

    All the bullshit and assholes you’ve had to endure, I’m sorry people = shit but it’s made you who you are; From what I’ve seen, you’re incredible and it’s definitely made you stronger and only continues to build you. The people that put the most pressure on you need to take a step back and actually realize what they’ve got in front of them.

    Congratulations on becoming an aunt!
  • 13
    There will be a day where things start clicking into place. Not everything, but so much that you gain clarity, that everything in the past just becomes a closed chapter and you'll start feeling some semblance of control over your life.
  • 4
    That was one hell of a trip, insta fav'd! And sending virtual hugs your way, your life was far from easy..
  • 17
    @Drillan767 There are still some battles remaining to be fought. It's far from over.
  • 4
    @bittersweet that pic is very deep
  • 5
    @bittersweet is back with his words of wisdom again! It's amazing how inspiring you sound every time you write something in here :)
  • 2
    @BlueNutterfly
    I been/am in the same boat

    This book helped alot it's my
    #1 Book
    “The obstacle is the way”
    –Ryan Holiday

    Keep up the fight all is not for nothing

    If you want an extensive reading list hit me up
  • 1
  • 1
    @BlueNutterfly I had it same in school i was an outsider who nobody liked and well i liked it i didnt wanted from them to come and talk no.
    The worst part was bullying everyday hearing those stupid guys talking and laghting atyou just because you are smarter and you dont make fun of others.
    I still cant understand why are they laughting at some smart guy or girl its just not right.
    Yeah sure it was weird for them when i understood general and special theory of relativity in 4 grade at primary school. They laughted at me for that.
    Maybe best part of primary school was when physics teacher came into class and she saw them laughting at me for that.
    Well she really talked to them.
    What i understood from it (she was talking loud and fast) was only: You shoudlnt laugh at somebody when he is lot smarter then you. It made me feel better to her that.
    I tought that being in high school as programmer would be better well i was fucking wrong.
    They still make fun of me but at least they dont
  • 1
    @BlueNutterfly bully me anymore.
    So i can say i know how you felt.
    Here you got my ++.
  • 2
    I might not even closely know you but I'm glad you made it this far though struggling and everything.
    The past is real - yet it is not our future's mandatory destination.

    Congratulations on becoming an aunt. That's awesome. :)
  • 1
    Quite the journey you have been through, I can relate to some but can't comprehend how it must have been to not have a place to go.

    You should really cherish that N1 of yours, it is a powerful friendship, one that I lost a while now and it still bums me out.

    Stay strong and congratulations on becoming an aunt!!
  • 16
    I don't even know what to say...

    Thanks, everyone.
  • 1
    It is never to late to start something, it hasn't to the target to absolutely master it.
    I can relate to some parts of this very well. As i was junger I thought that the people with more live-experience knew better than me and I'm just not experienced enough.
    You can try to constantly to find / redefine what you are excited about and how to get there :-)
  • 1
    Hope and passion are wonderful things really. I think you are a great person and want you to be happy. And consider all of us that care a friend! At least in South Texas you know you have a friend here with me :) and congrats on being an aun! I am an uncle myself and love it!
  • 1
    @BlueNutterfly maybe you need better environment? I don't know, I can only speak from my perspective since I grew in fairly toxic env. and internet was my only saving grace.

    Just removing yourself from toxic environment can do wonders to your mind.

    You could also go speak with a pro. Even pros are prompted to seek other pros help since self-analysis can be dubious at times. If someone could assess your condition then they could advise you on best course of action and even offer support. Domestic violence is not ok in any quantity. 🙁

    Your experience will do wonders on developing your character, but allow a professional to help you cultivate a healthy, growing environment. You deserve better 🙂
  • 2
    ++ing because you're an amazing person, and I really wish we could meet one day.
    I look up to you, and hope that you're finally doing if not well, but at least a bit better, than before :)
  • 1
    Good story. I wish I could say so much things about my brother too. But I dont. I barely know him, I don't even know his boy's name.
    Got my 1st computer in 1999, because I addicted on red alert and StarCraft, sit in net caffee too long. My mum worry about me skip too many classes
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