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Stuxnet2085772d"My kid is sick" - I'm currently puking in the toilet, and hungover.
DLMousey1040872d"I'm hungover" - still drunk
Crazed187072d"I'm drunk" - I'm high
"I have a doctor's appointment" -> "I have alcohol poisoning, after I almost drank myself to death, because I accidentally caught a glance at your piss poor code."
eeee165372d'I'm working from home today' - I'll be sure to set Steam to offline mode and play games all day.