36
Cyanite
186d

Here's a genuine rant for you. Probably the only one I've ever made and ever will..

It's a bit depressing and covers a few topics so just read it, it's important.

*deep inhale*
So, with the help of my friend and my Nana, I was getting VR set up. (Oh, what joy.)

Now, I love everything about VR. But the thing is, I've had this damned headset since may (Dell MMR) and I haven't been able to use it. The reason for that is, something always came up that I needed to buy and this became a huge deal.

But let's start from the beginning.. I'm curentally fighting depression. I have been for months. My only income is what my Nana gives me ($150/mo) and what my friend ocasinally gives me.

Anyways, the first issue was that I couldn't afford the headset. This was find, as my friend would get it for me, and I would pay them back the following month. But, then, once I got the headset that's when the real problems started. First it was that I needed bluetooth, so I bought an adapter. Then I realized my entire CPU was incompatable, so I had to get a new tower and I went ahead and got a new GPU as well. I also got a charging kit for my headset (This ended up making me owe my Nana money). Then after all of that was settled, I learned that the evauation software lied, and my computer doesn't have USB 3, so I need that too but low and behold; both of my graphics cards cover my second pcie slot. So my options are to either try and rig up something, or to buy a cpu and psu for my third AMD PC which I had forgotten about during this whole ordeal..

This was soposed to help me with my depression and stress. Now I don't even want to get out of bed.

With all that said, I might be getting on SSI soon (I'm sure some of you are familar with that, and no I don't want to talk about it) and when that happens I might just leave behind tech (well, my PC and games) and all the stress and pain it's caused me over my life so this was all for nothing.

Honestly.. I'm just done with everything. To all the new faces around here; Hello! How are ya? To everyone else; You know me. I've been around for a while, though I'm not popular because I lurked and commented with Alice. You all probably noticed that I left a while back, and it was because I was trying to get out of tech. My reason for tech was that I was searching for something. I was always looking for the next game to sate me, or fill this gap in my life. I became a programmer because it gave me control were I lacked it otherwise. I made friends online because my anxiety prevented me from doing so in the real world.

But to what end? What have I acomplished? My twenty second birthday is next month. I've no job, I move from family member to famly member because I'm so fixated on becoming someone else to make something of myself.

I have my own ideals, but it seems that I push them aside to try (and fail to) impress others.

It's time for change. Of course, I can't do anything without money, so I'll have to wait for my SSI which I will get news on in August.

I hope this message came through how I meant it to. There is so much I want to say, but I've no words to say them. And btw, the VR thing is just one of manny issue that i've delt with (but certanly the most expensive)

Alice, Zennoe (Alexis, whom is not on devrant); I'm not giving up tech entirely. don't expect to suddenly not hear from me. I'm mostly just giving up my computer and games. More casually so for now, and them more seriously once I get on SSI. I'll still message you every/other day like I have been. <3

Comments
  • 7
    Let me just quickly say that I didn't proofread this or think this through. I just poured my thoughts into a rant. It started as a heated rant about VR and then turned into something much deeper..
  • 6
    I, wow, I actually just shed a tear after reading this, I honestly hope you find your way back to a happier you.😢

    keep talking, don’t shut the world out, if it’s the last thing you do!
  • 7
    @oudalally

    You're the people I change myself to impress.

    I'm a witch, not a programmer.

    I like playing around with language and runes and Wicca, and my dream job is to open a little Apothicary somewhere and sell herbs and medicines, teas.. Maybe even homade jewelery.
  • 5
    @AlpineLinnix
    Yeah.

    Yesterday I cooked a steak.

    A simple idea.

    I don't ever really cook, because my ADD makes it hard for me not to burn things.

    This was my first time ever cooking meat for myself, much less a skillet steak which most people here don't cook because it's harder to do.

    I did cook it more done than I wanted, but it turned out really really well and I had so much fun doing it. It was probably the highlight of my month. Today I'll make another for lunch (hopefully medium-rare and not well done) and I'm sure I'll have just as much fun.

    It's just.. It's such a simple thing.. but it reminded me of a time when I was younger. When I would experiement with food and my dream was to be a cook. When I had no worries, and the problems I did have were in the back of my mind.

    I envy those days.

    (Image for reference)
  • 1
    @oudalally
    This is nothing. You should see @alice's dishes. She also told me how to do the sauce, which I turned into a side. And I've been using her to check my recipe ideas because she's the only person I know who *makes* things and doesn't strictly follow recipes.
  • 0
    @oudalally

    I always hates how my grandparents would smother their meats in sauces and seasonings.

    Mine has;
    Salt
    Pepper
    Rosemary/Garlic (cooked with the steak)
    And about 1tbs of sauce I made using all fresh; garlic, mushrooms, and onions.
    (The same sauce you see on the plate above the steak, I poured it over the steak after the fact)
  • 0
    @oudalally
    Thanks. I appreciate that. 😊

    Do you have telegram?
  • 1
    @Alice @AlpineLinnix

    I like thinner sauces. They make the meats feel more juicy.. 🤤

    But def not a ton of water. Either a smooth oil or a sour vinegar base.

    For non-meats, everything I just said is null.

    Edit: besides NOODLES (autocorrect wanted that to be in caps? XD), for NOODLES is still applies.
  • 0
    @Alice

    I've never followed a recipe in my life. XD
  • 2
    Sorry to hear that, but whole devrant got your back
  • 0
    @Alice

    I would never do that.. That's just ignorant. I would put my base in first, (because it's called a base for a reason?) and then work off of it. Or add more of everything to balence the extra I added if it was too thick for my taste.

    But diluting to add more is just ignorant..
  • 0
    @AlpineLinnix

    I've always had this rule of "If I make it, I'll eat it."

    Same rule as if you put it on your plate, it stays on your plate.

    It's more to keep me waisting food and expensive ingredients.
  • 0
    @oudalally

    My idea of a thin sauce would be like a watery gravy, and a thick sauce would be a thin paste.

    Actual thick paste is a no-go for me, but most of our house hold sauces are thin pastes. (Ketchup, for example)
  • 0
    @Alice

    Mine was literally milk, oil, and the juices that cooked out of mushrooms, garlic, and onions, and it was like the best thing ever.
  • 1
    @Alice
    So she burned it, even though you were standing *right there* telling her how to do it..

    I've no words.

    I just imagine you saying: "careful not to burn it"

    Her: "I'm not going to burn it, I know how to cook!"

    ...

    "Alice, it's burning!"
  • 0
    @oudalally

    I hope it was a toasted sandwich.

    If she managed to burn an uncooked sandwich I would genuinely be impressed.

    No, I'm not being sarcastic. This is Alice's mom we're talking about afterall.
  • 0
    @oudalally

    I love cream cheese.. I always have some on hand.
  • 0
    @oudalally

    I literally eat it with a spoon.
  • 0
    @Alice

    Next month I'll buy some healthy oils. Some olive and coconut oil.

    For now, I'm stuck with Canola.
  • 0
    @Alice

    I've used plenty of coconut oil before.
  • 0
    @oudalally

    I've always heard that and vegetable oil is bad for you.
  • 0
    @oudalally
    That's fine.
  • 0
    @oudalally @AlpineLinnix

    Yep, Canola oil is very much bad for you.

    (Note: First link I found, I only read most of it)

    https://healthline.com/nutrition/...
  • 1
    Sad rant, but such a happy conversation. I think you got the help you need right here. hopefully. Good luck.
  • 0
    @Cyanite You should do it :)
  • 1
    I up voted cause you have blue hair.
  • 0
    @oudalally God! It's such a funny bit....I just burst out every time I watch it. Too bad we don't have that type of comedy anymore.

    We now live in a world where every thing is offensive to everything else.
  • 0
    @oudalally

    I burned a steak.

    Found out that I am a natural at cooking eggs (even sunny side up) and I made homemade noodles and homemade mushroom soup to put over said noodles yesterday.
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