36
Cyanite
6d

Here's a genuine rant for you. Probably the only one I've ever made and ever will..

It's a bit depressing and covers a few topics so just read it, it's important.

*deep inhale*
So, with the help of my friend and my Nana, I was getting VR set up. (Oh, what joy.)

Now, I love everything about VR. But the thing is, I've had this damned headset since may (Dell MMR) and I haven't been able to use it. The reason for that is, something always came up that I needed to buy and this became a huge deal.

But let's start from the beginning.. I'm curentally fighting depression. I have been for months. My only income is what my Nana gives me ($150/mo) and what my friend ocasinally gives me.

Anyways, the first issue was that I couldn't afford the headset. This was find, as my friend would get it for me, and I would pay them back the following month. But, then, once I got the headset that's when the real problems started. First it was that I needed bluetooth, so I bought an adapter. Then I realized my entire CPU was incompatable, so I had to get a new tower and I went ahead and got a new GPU as well. I also got a charging kit for my headset (This ended up making me owe my Nana money). Then after all of that was settled, I learned that the evauation software lied, and my computer doesn't have USB 3, so I need that too but low and behold; both of my graphics cards cover my second pcie slot. So my options are to either try and rig up something, or to buy a cpu and psu for my third AMD PC which I had forgotten about during this whole ordeal..

This was soposed to help me with my depression and stress. Now I don't even want to get out of bed.

With all that said, I might be getting on SSI soon (I'm sure some of you are familar with that, and no I don't want to talk about it) and when that happens I might just leave behind tech (well, my PC and games) and all the stress and pain it's caused me over my life so this was all for nothing.

Honestly.. I'm just done with everything. To all the new faces around here; Hello! How are ya? To everyone else; You know me. I've been around for a while, though I'm not popular because I lurked and commented with Alice. You all probably noticed that I left a while back, and it was because I was trying to get out of tech. My reason for tech was that I was searching for something. I was always looking for the next game to sate me, or fill this gap in my life. I became a programmer because it gave me control were I lacked it otherwise. I made friends online because my anxiety prevented me from doing so in the real world.

But to what end? What have I acomplished? My twenty second birthday is next month. I've no job, I move from family member to famly member because I'm so fixated on becoming someone else to make something of myself.

I have my own ideals, but it seems that I push them aside to try (and fail to) impress others.

It's time for change. Of course, I can't do anything without money, so I'll have to wait for my SSI which I will get news on in August.

I hope this message came through how I meant it to. There is so much I want to say, but I've no words to say them. And btw, the VR thing is just one of manny issue that i've delt with (but certanly the most expensive)

Alice, Zennoe (Alexis, whom is not on devrant); I'm not giving up tech entirely. don't expect to suddenly not hear from me. I'm mostly just giving up my computer and games. More casually so for now, and them more seriously once I get on SSI. I'll still message you every/other day like I have been. <3

Comments
  • 4
    Oh fuck :(
  • 6
    Let me just quickly say that I didn't proofread this or think this through. I just poured my thoughts into a rant. It started as a heated rant about VR and then turned into something much deeper..
  • 6
    Right, first of all, depression is a hellish thing to deal with, and the fact that you're talking about it is a huge step to working out how to cope with it!

    Secondly, I think most people at some point will have encountered the wonderful joy of the "You only need X to use this device", which seems to grow and grow until you've spent a vast amount on bits over what you expected. Having been in that position before, I really do feel for you! Is there any way you can sell some bits off to raise the cash for the remains parts you need?

    With regard to the depression, fundamentally, the only obstacle to overcoming your issues is yourself, and identifying the issue is the first big step, which you've already taken!

    The SSI is going to be a huge help. It will take some of the stress off, give you some breathing space and let you get some control back!

    Don't change your ideals to impress other people, if you need to do that, they're not worth knowing!!!
  • 6
    That was heartfelt. Especially the 10th paragraph. I once felt a pain similar to your's, now I feel a different pain. I'm 30, alone and I live with my parents. I wouldn't dare write about my worries because it would spoil my mood for work today.

    It is always so saddening when I see people on here so skilled yet cannot find work and are frustrated for it.

    I will not promise relief because it may never come, but find solace in the fact that most of us suffer also so you are not alone. And if somehow you survive, you would have gained experience.
  • 6
    I, wow, I actually just shed a tear after reading this, I honestly hope you find your way back to a happier you.😢

    keep talking, don’t shut the world out, if it’s the last thing you do!
  • 9
    @oudalally

    You're the people I change myself to impress.

    I'm a witch, not a programmer.

    I like playing around with language and runes and Wicca, and my dream job is to open a little Apothicary somewhere and sell herbs and medicines, teas.. Maybe even homade jewelery.
  • 7
    @Cyanite sounds like an awesome dream
  • 5
    @Cyanite In which case, I apologise for my assumption, but the truth is programming is basically witchcraft ;)

    If you are interested in a subject, and it really does inspire you to understand it and explore it, then do it, and fuck what anybody else thinks!!!

    Would you rather change your lifestyle to fit in with other peoples ideas or live your life the way you feel is right for you?

    Opening an apothecary is a fantastic idea!!! How badly do you want to do it? If it's what you really dream of doing, then do it!!!

    Look into local markets, see how much a stall would cost. Selling herbs by weight, making your own incense mixes etc.

    If you're not too bothered by tech, then just ease off that side, and play with it when you feel like it, but making friends online is better than not talking to anybody.

    Don't shut people out, whether they're friends face to face or not.

    You don't have to deal with this on your own!!!!
  • 7
    @AlpineLinnix
    Yeah.

    Yesterday I cooked a steak.

    A simple idea.

    I don't ever really cook, because my ADD makes it hard for me not to burn things.

    This was my first time ever cooking meat for myself, much less a skillet steak which most people here don't cook because it's harder to do.

    I did cook it more done than I wanted, but it turned out really really well and I had so much fun doing it. It was probably the highlight of my month. Today I'll make another for lunch (hopefully medium-rare and not well done) and I'm sure I'll have just as much fun.

    It's just.. It's such a simple thing.. but it reminded me of a time when I was younger. When I would experiement with food and my dream was to be a cook. When I had no worries, and the problems I did have were in the back of my mind.

    I envy those days.

    (Image for reference)
  • 1
    @Cyanite That looks excellent!!!!
  • 4
    @Cyanite woaaahhh! Maybe you should cook more then! Find more small things that make you happy like this...
  • 3
    @Cyanite Actually, that looks really excellent!!!

    It's not easy to cook steak - it's very easy to overdo it.

    What was it that made you stop wanting to be a cook? You're clearly good at it - that steak looks beautifully seared, you've not messed about with it or overcomplicated it, it's not buried in sauces or garnishes.

    I'd say you pretty much nailed that..... and now I'm hungry.....
  • 2
    @oudalally
    This is nothing. You should see @alice's dishes. She also told me how to do the sauce, which I turned into a side. And I've been using her to check my recipe ideas because she's the only person I know who *makes* things and doesn't strictly follow recipes.
  • 3
    @oudalally

    I always hates how my grandparents would smother their meats in sauces and seasonings.

    Mine has;
    Salt
    Pepper
    Rosemary/Garlic (cooked with the steak)
    And about 1tbs of sauce I made using all fresh; garlic, mushrooms, and onions.
    (The same sauce you see on the plate above the steak, I poured it over the steak after the fact)
  • 6
    @Cyanite Right, I'm going to tell you off a little here.

    You have made that meal. YOU MADE IT!!!

    That is YOUR achievement!!!!!

    I agree, Alice has a real knack for cooking, and her food looks amazing...but..... so does YOURS!!!

    Don't compare what you have achieved to what other people have done, only measure your own creation by your own self.

    You said that's the first time you have cooked meat for yourself? In which case, that makes is all the more of an achievement!!!!

    The whole process of learning is to follow guidance from other people, and build up the skills as you go. Whether you read it from a book, or are taught by another person is irrelevant.

    You made that meal. That is all down to you!

    You made a decision about how to prepare it, that's your creativity and skill. YOURS!

    Be kind to yourself!!!!
  • 4
    @oudalally this is exactly the right mindset
  • 3
    @Cyanite @oudalally a good sauce is thick and not made of ⅔ water, has a good ingredient - volume ratio with a sauce volume that increases with igredients, and a bit of milk/whipped cream or something similar, not water (i hate my mother for doing this every single time) and tastes good and intense instead of having a large volume and less taste. If you follow this tip, your meal will even taste good when you overcooked your sauce and only a spoon of it is left for the meal.
  • 4
    @Alice as someone who loves sauce and wouldn't like food if sauces didn't exist; I agree
  • 2
    @oudalally
    Thanks. I appreciate that. 😊

    Do you have telegram?
  • 3
    @AlpineLinnix I have had issues with depression and anxiety for a very long time (well over 20 years).

    It's insipid. It creeps into your brain and undermines you at everything you do.

    It tires its hardest to remove any sense of dignity of self worth, and when it does, it wins,

    It becomes more than a condition, it becomes an identity, and then it becomes you!

    The ONLY way to stop it is to accept that it's there, and that it is a illusion and a lie.

    Depression and anxiety are not you, they are not what makes you an individual, and they are not what defines your skill, attitude, ambition and humanity, and with every single thing you achieve, you affirm that you are better than the hateful condition that is trying to undermine you.

    Every achievement you make kicks the depression and anxiety down. It builds your confidence, and lets the ability that you inherently have assert itself.
  • 3
    @Cyanite i have to agree with @oudalally, knowing your stance on cooking and that you basically cooked a fresh meal for the first time. You can be proud of yourself. From now on it will just get easier if you don't suddenly fall for the "follow recipes 1:1" trap.

    I will be angry at you if you fall for this, because you will easily lose your "try new things instead of listening to recipes what fits each other" attitude.
  • 3
    @Alice @AlpineLinnix

    I like thinner sauces. They make the meats feel more juicy.. 🤤

    But def not a ton of water. Either a smooth oil or a sour vinegar base.

    For non-meats, everything I just said is null.

    Edit: besides NOODLES (autocorrect wanted that to be in caps? XD), for NOODLES is still applies.
  • 2
    @Alice

    I've never followed a recipe in my life. XD
  • 4
    @Cyanite "thinner" sauces are okay. But people tend to pour water into their sauces to increase volume. I hate it so much. And then my mother always gets angry because she thinks what I cook tastes better.
  • 4
    @Alice following recipes makes cooking so boring. I'm not good at cooking/baking but it's really fun when I just improvise and experiment AND tastes better
  • 3
    Sorry to hear that, but whole devrant got your back
  • 2
    @Alice

    I would never do that.. That's just ignorant. I would put my base in first, (because it's called a base for a reason?) and then work off of it. Or add more of everything to balence the extra I added if it was too thick for my taste.

    But diluting to add more is just ignorant..
  • 2
    @Cyanite You're absolutely right!

    With most meats, sauces should be really simple, and thin sauces don't dominate the dish as heavily.

    For most meals, thin sauces are a better option on the whole, especially as when they're thickens with corn starch, they tend to thicken further as they cool. Thin sauces don't have that problem.

    Again, this is just another marker that your ability far outstrips your expectation of it. That realisation is proof that you understand what your doing!

    I know people who have been learning to cook for over a decade and don't understand that!!!

    Again, I reiterate, be kind to yourself!!!!
  • 1
    @Alice I would consider a thick sauce to be the consistency of a pouring cream, but I've lost count of the amount of times I've seen it overdone turn into a paste.

    If I make a sauce that's based around water, I will reduce it by at least half the volume before I consider it to be done.

    As a rule, I work on the principle that if it can't be thickened by reducing it, it's probably not the right approach.
  • 1
    @AlpineLinnix

    I've always had this rule of "If I make it, I'll eat it."

    Same rule as if you put it on your plate, it stays on your plate.

    It's more to keep me waisting food and expensive ingredients.
  • 2
    @Cyanite yes, same. I'd never waste food. If it ends up disgusting I'll eat it and figure out how to improve it the next time. At least it removes the hunger.
  • 2
    @oudalally what I mean with thick aren't really thick sauces. Just not super thin sauces. Really thick sauces have their purpose, too. But I usually don't extra thicken my sauces. Most of the time I add a little bit of whipped cream or a vegan alternative to my sauces so they don't just have a juicy consistence. Also it adds a bit of taste in many cases. But people like my mother BASE their sauces on water. They buy all this cool stuff and then overcook it, make a sauce out of it, add much water and done.
  • 0
    @oudalally

    My idea of a thin sauce would be like a watery gravy, and a thick sauce would be a thin paste.

    Actual thick paste is a no-go for me, but most of our house hold sauces are thin pastes. (Ketchup, for example)
  • 3
    @oudalally honestly, sometimes I think kitchens just love me and hate my mother. One time she wanted to make sandwiches like I make them and burned them although I was standing next to her and gave her instructions on how I usually do it.
  • 2
    @Alice

    Mine was literally milk, oil, and the juices that cooked out of mushrooms, garlic, and onions, and it was like the best thing ever.
  • 1
    Also a tip: since I started to make curry pastes by myself back then, I started to use the process of making them for sauces, like a fresh tomato sauce and other stuff. You basically cut your tomatos and some nice herbs, put both into a bowl or something, pour enough oil over it, add salt and pepper and mix it up with a portable blender, pour the paste over your almost finished meal, mix it up and maybe add a bit of milk.

    Same is possible with a lot of other things for a slightly different take on simple sauces.
  • 1
    @Cyanite mushroom sauces are great.
  • 2
    @Alice
    So she burned it, even though you were standing *right there* telling her how to do it..

    I've no words.

    I just imagine you saying: "careful not to burn it"

    Her: "I'm not going to burn it, I know how to cook!"

    ...

    "Alice, it's burning!"
  • 2
    @Cyanite That's pretty much bang on. Steak doesn't need much to get the best flavour from it!

    @Alice Cooking is just as much about feel and intuition as it is method.

    A bit of cream to thicken a sauce is ideal, and so is stuff like sweet potato, courgette or a decent soft cheese.

    I love using mascarpone to thicken a tomato sauce, then add a load of fresh basil and have that with some penne.

    It's a really quick snack, but pretty tasty.
  • 1
    @Cyanite that's basically what happened.
  • 2
    @Alice Sorry, I had to re-read that....

    She burned a sandwich? I take it you toast them?
  • 1
    @oudalally right. Cheese is a great ingredient for so many sauces.
  • 1
    @oudalally I fry them on both sides in a pan with coconut oil or peanut oil (cheese side first). Try it. It's much tastier. And because it's so tasty, she wanted to make it like that, too. And yes, she failed although I was standing right next to her.
  • 1
    @oudalally

    I hope it was a toasted sandwich.

    If she managed to burn an uncooked sandwich I would genuinely be impressed.

    No, I'm not being sarcastic. This is Alice's mom we're talking about afterall.
  • 2
    @Alice Ooh, brave move! Peanut oil is very easy to burn if you're not careful.

    A friend of mine does all his frying in coconut oil. He loves the stuff!
  • 0
    @oudalally

    I love cream cheese.. I always have some on hand.
  • 1
    @Cyanite Really? I prefer it on toast ;)

    And @Alice, I will try that! Not for a few weeks tho, I had a bit of a takeaway marathon a week ago and have put on a bit of a tub in a very short space of time.

    Going to ease off anything fried for a few weeks for a bit.

    I've recently quit smoking so my metabolism has changed a lot over the past month and still seems indecisive whether it's fast or slow.
  • 0
    @oudalally

    I literally eat it with a spoon.
  • 2
    @oudalally I fucking love coconut oil. I cook almost everything in it. So fucking tasty and everything gets much better. Even simple potatoes. And real, pure, healthy coconut oil is available in 1L packages for less than 12€.
  • 3
  • 2
    @Alice

    Next month I'll buy some healthy oils. Some olive and coconut oil.

    For now, I'm stuck with Canola.
  • 1
    @Cyanite Nothing wrong with canola oil!

    Avocado oil is amazing as well, works beautifully on salads.

    It's a bit expensive to cook with though :)
  • 2
    @Cyanite remember not to buy liquid coconut oil. That's not pure coconut oil, it's mixed with other oils to stay liquid because many people are sceptical at coconut oil because they don't know that coconut oil IS solid but gets liquid instantly once it gets warm enough (like on your hands or in a pan). Not to be confused with coconut fat that looks similar and is sold in little cubes or similar and is actually a sideproduct of coconut oil production.
  • 2
    @Alice

    I've used plenty of coconut oil before.
  • 2
    @Cyanite that's good then
  • 1
    @oudalally

    I've always heard that and vegetable oil is bad for you.
  • 2
    @Cyanite I've heard that too
  • 1
    @Alice Thats the trick to check - pinch a piece and rub your fingers together.

    It's delicious stuff too!
  • 2
    @Cyanite Vegetable oil isn't great. The flavour is awful for anything other than deep frying chips (although I'd use beef dripping for that ideally.... but then I'm a Brit, if I didn't prefer beef dripping for chips, I'd be deported.... lol)
  • 1
    @Cyanite Oh, and btw, no, I don't have telegram.

    Sorry to be rude, I'd meant to answer that and forgot.
  • 0
    @oudalally
    That's fine.
  • 2
    *eats her belgian waffle*
  • 1
    @oudalally @AlpineLinnix

    Yep, Canola oil is very much bad for you.

    (Note: First link I found, I only read most of it)

    https://healthline.com/nutrition/...
  • 2
    Sad rant, but such a happy conversation. I think you got the help you need right here. hopefully. Good luck.
  • 0
    @Cyanite right, drunken comment time now.

    You might have issues with depression and anxiety, but they don’t comprise you.

    Your personality is not your depression.

    Never forget that!! You are not defined by the demons that plague you and try to break your brain.

    You are capable of amazing things. How do I know? You’re a human. Humans have survived the worst that the world can throw at them.

    He depths of your ability and strength are so much greater than you can see right now.

    Never forget that!!! You are capable of incredible things!!!!! No depression can beat you!!!

    If you haven’t achieved what you want to, then so what? You still can!!

    Every time you come up with a thing you’ve not achieved, just put the word “yet” after it.

    “I’ve not got the job I want...... yet”.
    “I don’t know what I want to do with my life..... yet”

    Don’t let depression or anxiety define you. You’re so much better than that. You are human!!! You can beat it!!!!!!
  • 0
    @Cyanite You should do it :)
  • 3
    I up voted cause you have blue hair.
  • 2
    @bigus-dickus Ah, Bigus, how are you? And how is Incontinentia?
  • 1
    @oudalally God! It's such a funny bit....I just burst out every time I watch it. Too bad we don't have that type of comedy anymore.

    We now live in a world where every thing is offensive to everything else.
  • 1
    @bigus-dickus Its the lead in to it that gets me.

    Long dramatic pause then, "He has a wife...."

    I don't understand how Cleese can keep a straight face in all of it!

    It's the Latin on the wall bit that utterly floors me every time. "People called Romani they go the house?".
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