Boss: "Could you join the new DevOps team for a week or two, for some coaching?"

Me: "I'd rather watch you masturbate furiously in a corner of the office while you cry over your ex boyfriend"

Boss: "Yeah... that's why I ask you. You are the only one brave enough to watch"

Me: *Sigh* "But I don't know shit about what DevOps does, I'm a DBA. I've told you the difference a million times. Can't we just douse it in gasoline and set it on fire?"

Boss: "What?"

Me: "Not the team, the servers..."

Boss, imitating Gimli: "And my ex!"

Me: "I get why he left you"

Boss: "It's funny, he was actually better with computers than me, maybe even better than you. He hated me for starting this company, told me I was just chasing money instead of ideals. He just isn't grown up enough to see that there is more to the world than computer games, brewing beer, maker festivals and gay bars, that you need to take responsibility... Maybe it just never works out between managers and geeks..."

Me: "Indeed. The difference in competence is too large"

Boss: "Ugh. You are like straight version of him... but will you at least take a look?"

Me: "Fine, unzip your pants..."

Boss: "No, not that... you need to teach DevOps this docking thing, with the parallel stuff, and the horizontal growth"

Me: "Damn I really hope we're talking about servers now... Do you mean Docker?"

Boss: "That's it. They want to learn how to dock on the Windows servers. They reserved two 4xlarge on AWS. Is that enough for docking?"

Me: ...

Me: ...

Me: "You know what. I'm going back to hug my DB designs, and wash my brain with some queries. Then I'll return here to burn everything to the ground. There is no hope for you left"

Boss: "That's what he said"

Me: "You're using that meme wrong"

Boss: "OK. So what if you just stay on DB management, and I'll just give you the budget to recruit a new DevOps lead and pay for training?"

Me: "That would work"

Boss: "Why are you grinning?"

Me: "Because I have your ex's phone number"

  • 17
    Fine, you'll have a look. Got me nearly as much as the plottwist at the end :)
  • 14
    Oh shit. Boss, you need to leave! Now!
  • 17
    That is pure gold.
  • 34

    Haha it's OK, it's a big company, with 250 employees and 3 offices.

    I've pulled shit like this on my boss before, there's way too much weird HR-unsafe banter, but somehow we work very well together.

    He actually knows what Docker is, and there were no reserved Windows servers, but he was serious that the DevOps team was messing shit up big time.

    Most of the time he is fucking with me, just as much as I fuck with him.

    Well, not literally, of course.

    Mentally we are at a similar level, and most of the verbal crap we sling at each other is kind of like a code language that works for us to communicate priorities, things which are necessary for the company.

    His ex did really turn out to be a very good sysadmin though, and is on good terms with my boss now.
  • 17
    @bittersweet that's great news. I knew that you were joking. That's pretty obvious and funny.

    I know how it feels like to have someone like this with whom you can have very weird conversations for hours which none else around will ever happen to understand.

    Sounds like you have found your second home there. ^^

    Btw. That reminds me of your "beard" situation with the newcomer, data analyst etc.
    Was that in this company, too?
  • 11
    Your boss sounds dope. Tell him I’m in the market for a funny gay guy with power that thinks docker is called docking.
  • 10
    that was wild from start to finish.
  • 4
    Is this legitness?
  • 6
    @-ANGRY-CLIENT- Yes... same one 🧔
  • 12

    I would hardly call my work a real tech firm. It's more of a silly experiment in the line of "famous startup x, but for target group y" which violently got out of hand, and for some reason a few billionaires took it seriously and dumped investments on top of us. The website backend and invoicing system was literally Google Sheets back then.

    Then we went from 6 to 250 employees over the course of 3 years, and somehow, we started making profit 🤷‍♂
  • 6
    @bittersweet how dafuq dat happened lols
  • 9
    @bittersweet would you be so kind to write a book about more of your histories in the near future? pretty please? that would be a best seller :)

    do preorders works for books too? if that's so, I want 100
  • 6
    I would actually like to bid for the film rights to this rant. Who do I call?
  • 6
    @teadrinker i have an better idea:
    A devrant cartoon based on this.
  • 6
    @dfox @trogus here is the content for next devrant comic
  • 2
    High school kid here. What the hell is going on?
  • 3
    insta fav! that was hilarious 😂
  • 1
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