47
erandria
11d

I'm a shit programmer

I'm 29 and I assumed that by this point I'd be successful some way or another, either by being financially abundant or technically complex.

I am not, just mildly accomplished instead.

Here'a list of thing I consider challenges that I have:
* I tend to tunnel vision ideas that are terrible or execute them poorly because of said tunnel vision.
* I don't hone my skills, I usually consider my potentials the same as my actuals, as if I achieved everything already, probably product of ny huge ego.
* I communicate poorly with my boss, I sidetrack into thing he didn't ask
* I'm a mess when it comes to reading documentation online, I have the attention span of a fucking fish.
* I work alone, I have 0 networking status or skills.
* I take huge amounts of time to finish my side projects
* Of all the side projects I started I only finished one, the ones that I couldn't finish usually bevame insabely stressful things, so much and so many that I questioned myself many times if I should be a programmer or not.
* I have little discipline or organization, if I work in more than one thing at a time, i get really anxious and stressed.

I am not saying I'm not competent, I think I am (I'm looking at you imaginary scary recruiter googling this online), I'm just not really proud of myself

Comments
  • 18
    Same thoughts and almost the same age.
  • 10
    Also, as an addition to all that, I'm a depresman with a depression experience of 10+ years and lost ability to desire anything. Yay!
  • 14
    I definitely felt that way at 29. I'm 40 now and I feel much, much better about my skills, contribution, communication, and stage of my career. A lot has happened since I was 29, including a substantial stint of unemployment when I was 30, and again when I was 34.

    You're building experience now, which will open doors for better, more interesting positions in the coming years.
  • 3
    that sucks...
    I have mild depression, and huge levels of anxiety...
  • 4
    @erandria you can get help now and not be like me
  • 2
    @bahua i appreciate that, and I hope it's true
  • 9
    You seem normal to me. Some people go deep early on, some spread thin early on, after sufficient time, both achieve about same if putting same effort and sincerity.

    Also, you seem too eager to succeed too soon, may be reading lots of fake success stories.

    Software is not a sports career. Normally people start achieving the fruits of success around 40, some bit sooner, some bit later.

    In the end, success is what "you" define and when "you" get it.
  • 8
    I'm almost the same age and I don't feel technically complex as well. I spent my younger years jumping into different jobs to see the right fit so I never really got the chance to master any specific skill. I just learn them when I need to. I think I found a job more suitable for me only last February.

    I'm almost the same age and I feel like I just got started. Money is always easy, I could have just stayed in my previous job and let the promotions lead me to a pot of gold while I die inside every day working on a job I hate with people I despise.

    I struggled with depression for quite some time and my life went to shit, couldn't work, and my finances took some damage. I got help last November and is still currently on medication. So basically, I'm just starting from scratch all over again. I'm almost the same age as you and I haven't reached that level of success either. It's good that you recognize your flaws, you can work on them but don't be too hard on yourself.

    Good luck.
  • 0
    @ajit555 thank you for your comments
  • 2
    @rutee07 goddamn, this profesion is cursed, it feels like everyone is having a hard time.

    Shit.
  • 2
    maybe there's something like programmers anonymous?
  • 6
    @erandria I think it's just the pressure of being like Bill, Linus, or whoever. We often see news about some teenager or someone in their early twenties becoming rich or retiring in their 30s and we use them as a baseline that defines our success. I don't think too much about it but it's definitely in the background. I still love my job though.
  • 1
    @rutee07 i agree, and appreciate that posture of acknowledgeing it's small but on the background for you instead of like... the posture of denying it as if it didn't matter at all being Bill or whoever... I hate that shit, "you don't need to be X to be important"... fuck that...

    I mean I would ideally want to feel that way... but I don't at all
  • 6
    @erandria till your age, I was working in a steel plant. After 30+, moved into IT and virtually learnt everything myself. By 42, I was reasonably good to ditch regular job and be self employed.
  • 4
    The imposter syndrome is alive and well in the IT industry.

    I'm 29 and I feel the same sometimes. I would recommend that you try to set yourself a small goal and set a fixed time to achieve the goal. Be realistic with whatever challenge you set yourself. Start small and build up your confidence and programming abilities. You'll always have those days where you feel worthless. What is important is that you try to improve in some way so that you can look at yourself and say "You know what? I'm improving".

    In closing, don't waste your time with negative thoughts.

    "The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself" - Baz Luhrmann
  • 3
    oh my God, you're describing me ! even the age
  • 4
    I'm a bit older (approaching my 40s now) but since I'm looking more like someone in his 20s - I guess that evens it out. So - while not technically - I might be kinda your age. :P

    Anyhoo. I know that feeling too. I'm missing quite a bit of focus (which is shit, as I'm self employed) and I'm severly lacking in architecture. The funny thing is - even though I don't feel that competent here and there, I still consider myself being like some kind of superman whenever I take a look at all the shitty code that I'm refactoring on a daily basis. Not that mine is perfect - but it still alleviates much of the previous problems. Which in the end leaves me with a mild "above average" feeling.

    So with all that babbling I just wanted to say - you're probably doing just fine. That's the case for most people who have thoughts like this.

    Also - think about what achieving means for yourself. It's not like we have only accomplished anything when we're the next Steve Jobs.

    All the best!
  • 2
    @irene Oh yeah. As an added bonus I also have depression. This time medication and sport doesn't help so much ... so. Well. Fuck.
  • 2
    Man i would hire you in a second . We all feel the same way ! All the good devs that ive met are feeling just like you .
  • 3
    @Semmel Antidepressants take a while to work. I definitely felt more depressed and even suicidal during my first months on it but I felt better after some time and a few changes in my life. If it doesn't work in four to six months, you can talk to your psychiatrist. They can change your medication because not all types of medication work for everyone.
  • 4
    @rutee07 6 months is a lot of time just to find out medication does not work
  • 3
    @Semmel at least you look fine. I look like a fucking panda. People ask me "who punched you in the face?!" 😞
    I still look a bit younger than I am but awful anyway.
  • 1
    @irene You don't have to wait for six months. There's usually a monthly appointment with the psychiatrist. If in two months, you don't see any improvements, they can change your medication. Every month, you'll see an improvement. Six months is the time it usually takes for you to fully recover. Some people recover faster, others take a longer time. Six months is the average.
  • 0
    @irene FACE REVEAL! FACE REVEAL!
  • 2
    @rutee07 i can send you in discord if ya want
  • 0
    @irene You already did. I mean on devRant. :D
  • 2
    @rutee07 I did but then I've deleted my account so all old messages got deleted.
  • 4
    There will always be people smarter, faster and better than you. If they're not cunts about it, surround yourself with them. You will never improve if you're the smartest in the room.

    The downside is that you will never be the smartest in the room. That's ok. You are not Linus Torvalds. I'm not Linus Torvalds.

    The only person you need to compare yourself with, and I really cannot stress this enough, is the you of yesterday/last week/last month.

    When you look back, do you see improvement? I bet you do. No, don't compare the acceleration in competence to that oh others. They're not you. You're not them. There is no point in that comparison as they simply have too many variables.

    I was the runt if the litter of my class. I struggle to this day. And I continue to struggle. But man, when I look back at my origins I'm so high up in the stratosphere of Tech, I can barely make out where I started from and damn that feels good.

    Keep on swimming!
  • 4
    Oh yeah, and I'm the guy that ran sudo rm -rf /usr/ in the first five minutes and basically bricked my OS. (There's a rant on it).

    The best part was that prime cane out of the Woodworks with "been there, fine that. Have you checked it safe-rm?"

    You're not alone in this age it takes great courage to admit it. A lot of people claim to be fantastic but looking at their code makes your want to blind yourself. Find the ones who are good, but don't shove it down your throat. They're usually more willing to help others.

    Best if luck!!
  • 3
    So, it seems to me that you don't like very much your current "you" as a person. The good news is that you can improve. The bad news is that it won't happen on its own, or simply by wishing for it.

    If you could have your life the way you wanted it, in 3 to 5 years, if you were taking care of yourself properly, what would it look like?

    What would you want for your career? How would you spend time outside of your job? How would you manage your relationships?

    If you wanna change you need first of all to have a vision of what you wanna change into. Once you have a vision, you break down the goal into micro-processes that you can implement in your daily life. Once you achieve these microprocesses it becomes rewarding, and this tangles your incentive reward system, producing positive emotions while you move towards a valued goal. But the goal need to be valued,otherwise you can't get positive motivation out of it. These are words of jordan peterson mostly. Sorry if I went psychology mode.
  • 0
    looks like i achieved that depress level 6-7 year early
  • 4
    Hey @erandria, you got me to sign up today. I have been following devRant for a couple of months, but today I felt like I needed to signup and maybe comment on your rant , if I may.

    First of all, I believe that polaroidkidd already expressed what I feel about this topic.

    Anyway, what I could add:

    All of you feeling like they are not good enough or do shitty work, let me tell you that you might be too hard on yourself. Life has its obstacles, and often not everything goes as planned. If you believe you could do a better job, maybe ask yourself if it's really you who sucks or the job/the boss/the working environment.

    Don't feel bad about yourself, instead be proud about what you already archieved and always try to have a role where the work is actually fun. Success comes from alone then.

    If you need to stick with your current job, make sure to spend enough time with side projects which really interest you (e.g. also in your spare time).
  • 7
    Dude seriously, humility and self observation is a huge element of growth
  • 1
    I am half decade older and feel completely different. I read a lot of self-improvement books in the last years that helped me get my sh*** together. I recommend "The outward Mindset" by the Arbinger institute, "getting things done" by David Allen. There are mode but those were the ones I took out of most.
  • 1
    @Wolle what can you say about "The subtle art of not giving a fuck"?
  • 0
    You can get by phone professional help these days, I can recommend someone if need be..

    Otherwise I'm not suffering from depression, just reality !

    > it feels like everyone is having a hard time.

    I'm poor yes, though not as poor as I used to be.

    Otherwise though, programming is great, even if there is a ton of manuals to read that will no doubt take me a decade to work though.. (I remember that supercomputer I got that came with 300+ manuals..)

    The maths is a struggle as it takes me just forever to learn stuff, which I think stick in a program and don't have to think about for the next 20 years until I have to upgrade things and need to figure out how it all works again..
  • 1
    @irene I listened to the Audio-book it's pretty good too. It helped me to "worry" about the important stuff and not getting sidetracked all the time.
  • 0
    I am way shittier programmer than you .. 😂😂
  • 1
    @fahimbinlokman no, I'm the shittiest! 😡
  • 1
    @irene You know that pandas are incredibly beautiful creatures right? 😊
  • 2
    @Semmel cute but very useless creatures
  • 2
    How did you get your first job ?
  • 0
    @irene Meh. I guess we cannot have it all, eh? Since you only share the looks you got all the good parts without the useless parts. IMHO that's a plus. :D
  • 1
    Seems you found the bugs , now fix them
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