I was very troubled as a teenager. I had some pretty intense family issues that led me to smoking cigarettes at 12, marijuana at 13, and drinking everyday at 15. By 17, I was using other "party favors", as we called them, on an every day basis. I left high school at the beginning of my final year, about a week before I turned 18, moved out of my family's home and started working three different part time jobs.
This was the lowest point of my life. I've never felt so much like a fuck-up and loser than back in those days. I hated myself, hated what I had become, hated everything I did. Hate hate hate. I spent a year like this, pitying myself, seeking sympathy from people when I shouldnt have been, basically seeking out someone who would tell me that I wasnt so awful.
That never happened. I only deepened the hole that I had dug for myself.

Then I got angry. I thought it wasn't fair that everyone else was enjoying life except for me. I wanted to find a passion. I wanted to find excitement again. I wanted to look forward to something else besides going back to bed.
When I turned 19, I decided that I was going to take control of my life because I was so angry with my position at the time.
I put myelf into college. I made myself stay awake and focus on schoolwork and internal improvement. I started facing my flaws and defects head-on and conquering them rather than letting them eat me from the inside out.

Now, I am only a couple months away from turning 21.
I rarely drink now. I quit smoking cigarettes after almost 9 years.
I graduate this December, and enroll into my next degree program in January.
Today, I signed employment paperwork with the company I interned at over the summer. I am now a full-time DevOps Engineer with salary, bonuses, 401k, and full health coverage.
My boyfriend and I just moved into our own house that we are renting together. No more needing shitty roommates.
I have most of the debt that my mother left in my name paid off.

A couple of years ago, I couldn't have cared less about my life or how I turned out. I truly expected to get arrested, wind up homeless, or just flat-out end up dead.
I never thought I would see myself where I am today.
I am extremely proud of myself for turning my future around. I know some of you may read this and think I'm an idiot, or that this seems trivial because I am so young. Thats okay.
I have learned that hard work always pays off, and that sometimes you must sacrifice what is expedient to gain what is meaningful.

  • 7
    I'm so happy for you, I wish you the best of luck in your work and life. Remember to take care of yourself!
  • 17
    Well done!

    But there's still a lot you are to learn :) Hard work does not always pay off, sometimes it just bites you in your tired ass.

    Then you stand up and try again, maybe a bit differently. And again. And again until you eventually get there.

    The more you have to rely on others, the more likely your hard work is to go to /dev/null :)

    I'm just saying this so you would not lose your motivation when it does not work out. Per aspera ad astra!
  • 6
    @M1sf3t make no mistake, I am very proud for her to claw out off that pit!! It's just very easy to lose belief in yourself when you think you have all sorted out, put ton of effort and get nothing. And this will happen from time to time!

    And more importantly, WTF dude?? New acc?
  • 2
    You could submit your story to FreeCodeCamp 😉
    But seriously, well done.
  • 3
    FX [ Applauds. ]
  • 4
    > I decided that I was going to take control

    > of my life

    I'm really interested in those key moments in someone's life like that, as such, can you tell us more about that moment, or the events surrounding that moment which enabled you to click from one direction to another ?

    My hope is that by collecting data on examples, that some kind of pattern might emerge that could be used to help others transition as well.

    For the moment I know very little about those times, and can't really say to anyone, what might help them or not.

    As such, any information could be useful in that pursuit.
  • 4
    Oh damn, this is so good to read.

    So many depressed people here, and in development in general.

    Gz for turning it around. Keep up the good spirit and break down every walls.
  • 2
    Thank you.
  • 2

    Wow, you're on the fast track.
    To you, all of your achievements and character.
    Stay safe and keep it up!
  • 5
    Thank you everyone for such kind comments! I was nervous to share these thoughts here but I'm glad to see such a supportive dev community.

    @Nanos I don't know that my moment would necessarily help you. I was in an extremely altered state of mind (to use family-friendly language) and fell really depressed. I kind've realized "Oh. I do this a lot so that I'm distracted and don't think about why I'm so unhappy" and once I had that thought it was like I couldn't stop. I just let myself feel bad and admitted to myself "This is a problem. I shouldn't ignore this. I need to get help". Then I thought deeper about why I was so unhappy and what things I could do to correct that. I felt spiteful that I had fallen so low mentally and that gave me enough resentful determination to "suck it up" and start "fighting back". At least that's what it felt like. Somewhere along the lines, I stopped being so depressed and anxious and angry and gained confidence in myself and excitement for my future.
  • 0
    > I kind've realized

    That makes me think of a religious apitamee. (No idea how to spell that word!)

    Eg. a spiritual moment as some would say.

    Related link:


    > Psychedelic drugs 'may improve depression,

    > anxiety, and PTSD'


    Researcher Adele Lafrance, from Laurentian University, argues that psychedelic drugs can help with psychological symptoms partly by improving a person's sense of spirituality, and how they relate to their own emotions.


    To me that sounds like an Eastern Philosophy approach:

    Related link:


    It wouldn't surprise me if programming produces a similar effect..
  • 0
    Thank you, my life is very similar to yours, but everything has dragged on much more, only thanks to my girlfriend, I'm trying to get out of the shit. good luck!
Add Comment