73

I feel so sorry for all the people in the world who use their phone more than their PC/laptop.

All the pitiful souls who think they're gamers because they installed lootchest simulator on their little digital skinner box. All the sad beings who just view the internet as a collection of ad-infested apps.

Actually, I don't feel sorry, because these people make the world a worse place.

Suddenly we needed websites which could render on tiny screens and need bloated cross-platform app development frameworks. Many game studios became parasites exploiting addictive behavior in humans, instead of creating works of art.

Humans spent 10,000 years to perfect their caves with expensive kitchens, and all people want is for their WiFi to reach the grill at the end of the garden. Humans created central heating, comfortable couches, wall-mounted TVs and luxurious desks -- and all people can think of is whether their phone plan covers holiday roaming at their shitty resorts.

The rare times I do actually go into this apocalyptic wasteland people call "The Outside", all I see is subway cars full of hunched addicted drudges, bus stops with clusters of enslaved automatons.

Fuck all of them.

Fuck all of you imbeciles, who ventured out of the cave and now DARE to call me anti-social, just for preferring the warmth of my comfortable protective den.

It's fucking cozy here, within the walls of my shelter, I got booze and a fridge full of food and a bunch of LSD, I can masturbate under the shower, have sex on the couch, have all kinds of GIANT displays for entertainment, with full-sized qwerty-keyboards, high-DPI mouses, even some console controllers and big TVs if I feel lazy.

You can stick your responsive websites and social-network-integrated Android apps up your rectum, just sit your fucking fat ass down in front of a workstation and desperately refresh the stream of fake attention-seeking messages there, if you absolutely must.

Seriously, why does this guy from our marketing department call me on my private phone number. Why did HR PROVIDE him with my private phone number?

And WHY THE FUCK is he asking me, a DB admin: "Our website doesn't load properly on Safari on my iPhone 7, could you take a look at it"?

No, of course I won't fucking come to the office to take a look at your miserable shitty device with its cracked glass screen.

Fuck you and your outdoorsy habits.

Stay the fuck in your cave, you degenerate attention whore, otherwise please go choke on your airpods.

Comments
  • 13
    >a bunch of LSD

    this rant derailed quickly god damn
  • 5
    I get boomer coomer vibes from this rant
  • 11
    @LotsOfCaffeine

    Flagship phone: €1200

    My phone: €250

    So I spent €500 on 1000 blotters of 100µg LSD, €200 on steam games, got a €200 bottle of XO cognac, and spent the rest on the best steak the butcher could find for me.

    Living life properly is not that hard.
  • 10
    @frogstair

    Boomers are all running around proudly with their overpriced phones.

    I'm an old millenial. I grew up with Commodore 64, IBM DOS PCs, Sega, Nintendo and giant Motorola car phones.

    I think people in their upper 30s, who viewed the rise of smartphones and social networks as technologically inclined but suspicious adolescents, are actually the most likely to hate on all the Boomer GenX AND GenZ phone zombies.
  • 11
    "Why did HR PROVIDE him with my private phone number?"

    That's a big problem right there. I'd be filing a formal complaint about that - if it's an emergency and my work phone is off, then that call needs to come to my personal phone through explicit authorisation of only someone directly superior to me.

    HR giving out private numbers of devs to marketing guys = big no-no.
  • 9
    @AlmondSauce

    I will indeed file a complaint once the acid wears out and the couch stops breathing.
  • 7
    You staying in your cozy den are not much better than the lazy fucks on the outside. Our ancestors had to leave the safe sex dungeon to hunt, gather and take huge dumps.
    How dare you stay at home! 😄
  • 2
    Why €500 on LSD? You can get a book of Mormon for free.
  • 3
    @PonySlaystation Going out to hunt for food is kids play compared to going to the store to buy it while on acid. Watching the faces and behaviour of people with elevated awareness and trying not to burst into laughter to their crippled and empty faces...
    I'd like to see you try.
  • 1
    @bittersweet
    A4 blotter paper is the Costco of distribution.
  • 1
    @nnee well, that honestly sounds like fun, eventhough I would never take drugs.
  • 1
    @PonySlaystation Well, there's abuse and there's use.
    But smart choice.
  • 4
    @nnee I did a survival trip with 3 friends, where we were dropped blindfolded at 2AM in the middle of a forest in the Pyrenees, while tripping on 300µg LSD.

    I struggled for an hour trying to unfurl my bivaque, ate half a tube of honey, noticed a squirrel was using my artificial shelter, so I fell asleep in a tree. Woke up two hours later when I rolled over and fell from the branch.

    That's the kind of outside that I can tolerate.

    Forests filled with wolves and deer are neat. Squirrels are amazing, even when they usurp your sleeping bag and fill it with garbage.

    I should go on a climbing trip soon. As much as I dislike people outside, I do miss trees.
  • 2
    @bittersweet That is quite an adventure. Not sure about blindfolded but adventure nonetheless.
    Yes, untouched nature in the mountains, couple of normal, whatever that means, people, clear sky, peace, silence and somewhat distorted but deeper perspective...
    Now I'm feeling nostalgic.

    I do wish you a clear sky and a peaceful day on climbing trip.
  • 1
    I wouldn't mind seeing this. No acid required, but would be a trip nonetheless:

    https://twitter.com/michaelkeyes/...
  • 1
    @bittersweet here here. Can’t stand that BS
  • 1
    my god. I wish I wrote such vitriol. rarely do you come across such acidic rhetoric.

    it. is. fantastic.
  • 1
    I'm using my phone nowadays more than my laptop. Can't be bothered to carry my laptop around all the time, and I'm looking at the screen more than enough at work. My phone screen is big enough (6 inch) to do most daily tasks without a problem (reading news, messaging, writing emails, watching some videos).

    That being said I'm not gaming, but I don't see what's wrong doing that on your phone as well.
Add Comment