Botched the technical interview with the CTO he got me with fucking left joins x,) I'm forever stuck at my dead end job, I'm destined to wither in that wilderness of spaghetti and poor practices

You aren't expected to know everything. If you slip up on something, let them explain what you missed. If they don't tell you straight up, ask.

A decent team won't be looking for someone who passes all of their tests, they're looking for someone they can work with, and who wants to learn

Maybe it helps you...