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The thing with meetings is that most don't know what a (formal) meeting is.

A meeting has a specific time frame, a defined agenda with specific topics and a moderator or an agreement on a common netiquette.

That's a meeting.

A meeting is not a place to put your willy on the desk and proof to everyone that your cock is thx to operation a long schlong who won't get hard, nor that you don't know how to shave, even less to measure the size of your genitals.

It's neither the time to eat and slurp like a fucking hobgoblin, nor to drink like an alcoholic who hasn't had a drop of alcohol in the last hour.

Parents, I don't care what your satanic offspring achieved today, nor how cute they are, even less what booboo they have.

Crybabies, keep your whining for after meeting time, maybe even stop crying and just have a nice talk outside of allocated time frames to discuss whom hurt whom the most and who has the most sand in his clit.

Get to the fucking point.

If I wanted to read a trilogy to understand what you contribute, I'd have written it on the agenda.

If it's not on the agenda, cram it in your butt cheeks for the next time you need to shit.

If you can't converse with people at all, the meeting is allocated at least 24 hours before it happens.

Prepare yourself for goddamn sake.

You could even read out a predefined text if you want, noone cares.

Comments
  • 12
    I've educated my PMs and customers on the agenda aspect.

    PM: The customer wants to talk about the project.
    Me: What's the agenda? What specific questions does the customer have?
    PM: No agenda, just have a talk.
    Me: Then I won't participate.
    PM: But the customer requests that!
    Me: Yeah, so YOU will have a talk. I have other tasks to do, like meeting deadlines.

    Rinse and repeat a few times - and suddenly, there were useful agendas with actual content.
  • 3
    @Fast-Nop savage 🤣
  • 3
    @Fast-Nop Yeah... I thought I would be spared as my current employer has no (external) customers...

    But bloody christ, the necessity to educate devs / ... on sth so trivial annoys me even more.
  • 2
    I can so much relate it actually made me feel good and calm down reading this.
  • 2
    This text made me laugh so much. Yes, I've experienced it too.
  • 0
    A meeting is where 2 or more persons meet.

    What you mention is a mandatory protocol for meetings. Although useful it does not define the word meeting
  • 2
    @hjk101

    Ah the booksmart smarty-pants.

    I added the word formal explicitly for you creatures. In the subject, the body of the message and the links to the company guidelines regarding formal meetings.

    Now go play under your favorite bridge, troll.
  • 1
    @IntrusionCM don't forget to dress in your formal attire...

    I was not trying to be a troll. Just pointing out the are several protocols and types of meetings. For some a place or settings matter. For some a set agenda for some a time restraint. For some a fixed outcome. And of course several combinations. Not that this list is exhaustive.

    Last week we had a single topic meeting without a time boundary. Why: it was a post migration issue and a complex one. We worked out the possible solutions and the impact and choose the best option. Took us 2.5 hours huddled together. It's still a formal and organized and planned meeting.
  • 2
    @hjk101 you're trolling.

    Or trying to be obsessive nitpicky smarty pants.

    I never said formal attire was necessary, but showing up at a stakeholder meeting looking like you come straight of a waste dump isn't the best impression.

    Regarding your "several meetings" - this is why I wrote formal meeting as a specifier directly in the first sentence. It's there. And I even pointed it out to you in the last comment.

    And a specific time frame can even be "open-end". Though it's absolutely not recommended as meetings longer than an hour require several breaks, otherwise people can't focus anymore, and meeting becomes pointless.

    In my opinion you're trolling.

    And this rant was exactly for that reason. People getting a very clear invite with very clear rules for a meeting and then doing anything but following the rules or, like you, start completely off the grid discussions just for the sake of showing off their oh so great knowledge.

    Maybe. Maybe that was the whole point of the rant, as exactly these discussions are entirely pointless.
  • 0
    @IntrusionCM the attire thing was a joke/trolling.

    Rest wasn't. I see your point but don't fully agree. I think there are several types of meetings and several appropriate protocols. Not just the one you deem golden. That said in most cases meetings benefit from it (including a location). That is just because of super crappy aimless and day filler meetings. Fortunately I've never worked in a place with that crap.
  • 1
    @hjk101 again. I'm really not sure where you're pulling from that a formal meeting is the only type of meeting.

    Yes I implicitly mean formal meeting for the rest of the rant, hence I wrote it in the first sentence. I put it in braces because from my point of view it should have been obvious that formal meetings are meant, given the explicitness of definition...

    I just didn't add a formal to every occasion of the word meeting as it should have been clear in my opinion after the first sentence and given the rigidness of definition...

    Of course other types of meeting exist, but this was never the point of this rant.

    It's funny how you seemingly know it, discuss it, yet it never crossed your mind that this was never the point of the rant- event after getting it explained.

    I cannot think of another reason as trolling or severe lack of text comprehension?

    Either way, yes. Other meeting types exist, and no you cannot apply to each one the same ruleset. 🤷
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