I shouldn’t dread doing my work every day, right? Or is that just the norm for everyone?

Some days.. reasonable, but daily? Nah.

And it’s not the company or the culture. The people are decent and I’m paid well. I just have severe impostor syndrome and an anxiety about screwing up. Every time I make a mistake, I obsess about it to the point that it makes me reluctant to make decisions, or causes me to second-guess my gut feeling about a decision and end up making more mistakes. It’s probably 100% me but I don’t know what to do about it. I used to be good at my job. But now I’m flailing.

@stackodev You need a break is what I think. You might be going through a burnout.

I agree, take a break

@JohnCamp I only have 5 more years at this job before I can enjoy the 4-week sabbatical they offer long-term employees. By that point, I'm already anticipating going into early retirement. My only other option right now is to quit (or get fired or laid off). That or complete unemployment while trying to cobble together a freelancing situation (again).

It sounds like they treat you like crap when you make a mistake. Hopefully that’s not the case!

@TeachMeCode TBH, I have high expectations for myself, which may be part of the problem. But there is one direct manager who is hard to "read" in this regard. He makes facial expressions that can simultaneously be interpreted as indifference or as highly judgmental of my competence. I keep thinking that I'm going to get fired any minute now, but I've been thinking that for the past 5 months and so far they haven't. Still, it's keeping me awake at night, especially when I make gaffes that I know were preventable if I had just shut up or sat and thought for a few more minutes.

4 week sabbatical? Sounds more like a normal vacation / paid leave to me (if a long one). Maybe that sounds privileges and maybe I am, but fuck me if your treatment (and then probably labor laws) are really considered acceptable.

@saucyatom I'm not really overworked like that, though. We have flexible hours and a hybrid office/wfh arrangement. IIRC, that sabbatical is in addition to 20 days paid time off. It's meant to be a reset time for pursuing other interests and getting refreshed. Quite generous, I think. But I have a long way to go to get there, and by then I may just be retiring anyway.

you: Hey boss.

boss: Yeah

you: How am I doing? Is there any way I can improve?

Take notes, if any.

@Demolishun Haha, yeah. I had that conversation and got my feedback and goals set up. Been asking for the results of the monthly cross-functional feedback surveys we all fill out. Nobody has unlocked that view in the system for me despite numerous requests.

@stackodev Work is just compulsory play with expectations. When I reframe work that way I tend to have more fun and the day flies by. I don't like the drive (30 minutes), but I get time to think about things. I also talk to people while I drive. It gives me time I am not taking otherwise for thinking and socializing.

One thing that bothers me immensely is not finishing minecraft modpacks. I get bored at a certain point. Then I regret not doing the advanced stuff. So I have been working on creating goals for my play. I want to get x, by this time. This helps me visualize progress. It also helps me to plan out my bases. I find this kind of planning to be similar to my work. So playing is helping me see why I struggle with things. Work is helping me set goals and achieves them. This is helping with my play. Play whether it be gaming or coding lets you try out concepts to be useful in work. Work best practices help you have more effective fun when you play.

@stackodev

Try to have more joy in the work. Treat the uncertainty as an RNG mechanic that is similar to RNG in games. Don't expect specific outcomes all the time. This will help with dealing with unexpected things. Prethink your responses to likely outcomes. This will help have plans to deal with issue that will come up.