8
kiki
69d

my brain feels like an AI. It just slices things it sees and layers them over and over again. It doesn’t even change things, leaving them pristine and intact, it doesn’t filter stuff out. I cite memes exactly, word by word, with the exact intonation, because I literally just lip syncing to that meme playing in my head as if I was watching a youtube video. Some days I’m not even conscious of my surroundings, I don’t realize where I am, what I do, I’m just caught in that process I can barely put in words. People ask me to do something for them, I do it, and they’re like “no! it’s not what I asked for, well, it is, but not in this sense!” If they asked me if I could make their company the most profitable one in their niche, my brain will probably decide to instead sink and destroy other companies there. All that unspoken, “common sense” knowledge, I don’t understand. I feel detached, as if everyone else was “in” on something, some common notion, meanwhile I’m alone with my perfect things. I feel like a perfect Haskell codebase trying to interact with biker bar gloryhole dirty equivalent of an API. I want things to be exact, I want things to be precise, I want words you say to have specific meaning that I can understand, and I’ll ask you even though it takes overcoming my anxiety and guilt for asking “stupid” questions. If you throw in some clue, my brain will generate a Vsauce video worth of elaboration on that, and I’ll just tell it to you. Sometimes I feel like I just don’t fit, I can’t have fun at party with other people, if there are more than five of them, I’ll probably cry for no apparent reason. My consciousness operates smoothly, and then it don’t, it overheats, crashes and burns, then comes the numbness and derealisation.

I’m not okay. Now more than ever, I sometimes want to just end it.

Comments
  • 2
    Sounds like you got a whole lot going on inside that head. Got myself into a rut recently essentially going deeper and deeper. It's acc kinda common for devs as we end up rationalising, then meta rationalising etc etc

    It's a bit left field but maybe try a sport or physical activity? I've found it always helps to distract my brain as it gets it tired. Lmk if that doesn't work ☺️
  • 3
    I think that's perfectly ok.

    Be it from my work as a manager, from previous experience in social welfare or working eg. on events as waiter / bartender / ...

    I found it - insert Spock video here - always fascinating how humans have an entirely different way of thinking.

    It is common to become very "frustrated" because their thinking doesn't seem to "fit" or be compatible to other persons.

    Most of the time this leads to... Emotional outbursts. Which is fine, too - cause nothing's more frustrating than trying to communicate, but finding no common ground for it.

    I kinda gave up for example on people telling me that I repeat certain phrases multiple times in a sentence without any meaning (fill words...). I don't do it on purpose nor do I realize it. Might have some form of autism, not sure - could maybe be just a form of stuttering, psychologist and me had some discussion about it long time ago but I never wanted to explore it.

    For the simple reason that it doesn't hurt.

    Took a long time for me to stop being angry / feeling guilty for it as some people got very annoyed by it and reminded me constantly of it.
  • 1
    If you think like an AI then get life reduced to simple things and adapt your self to anything.
  • 1
    @jesuscam Meanwhile, real AI just does stub stuff as if it was "else" statement, because there are just that much things to adapt to, it's crazy.
    @kiki Have it your way, and don't look back on commoners 😎 Come into terms with your own traits and convert them to advantage. Of course, it's not all light breeze and sunshines, but you remain strong.
  • 0
    😊🧐
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