Stress made me fall into old habits of instead of saying stop and letting my team now that I was falling apart (not realising it myself even) I just kept saying "Yes, I fix that." to every single request that was made in the project.

The closer we got to the deadline, the more I hyperfocused and ignored the signs. I just kept working. The last two days I didn't even sleep.

Of course the launch botched. I finally broke down and both my mind and my body have given up, since yesterday I'm in a mental feedback loop causing continuous anxiety attacks and migraines. I literally CAN'T do anything but trying to not go back into fight- or flight mode and remember to breathe.

I FINALLY made my project manager aware (something I should have done days ago) that I am incapacitated and now I am waiting for medication (Oxazepam) to be picked up at the pharmacy by my husband.

I almost literally worked myself into the ground.

I've been here before. Never again.

This is what happens if you don't listen to your mind and body and put up a white flag in time.

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    Oof, I hope you feel better soon!
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    Also, I’d say a good leader would have recognized your burnout and would have taken some action. I know it’s up to us to take care of ourselves, but still…where was management on this?
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    Rookie move. Being a people pleaser can take its toll.. Get outside for a bit, walk barefoot on the grass and take some deep breaths. You’ve created an imbalance so take steps now to regain it.
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    @badcopnodonuts Harsh but in essence true. Although not so much due to people pleasing, more a matter of blaming myself for some initial procrastination early in the project and vainly trying to combat that guilt by assuming that all and any scope creep that did in fact occur was mine and mine alone to handle.

    But yes. It is a rookie mistake. What stings is I'm no rookie. I've been in this line of work 15 years.

    Irony also has that I cancelled the company liability insurance 3 months ago. So there's that.

    No way but up now, I guess.
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    @Jifuna Thank you. I have good support people around me. I will get trough this.
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    @fiftyhz Mistakes were made on all ends. Everyone was stressed, things and people were overlooked. No malicious intent from anyone though. I both had placed and took on too much responsibility and in the end became "the weakest link" (said in all honesty without blame) and that is what breaks first.

    Yes, it would have been good if someone else in the team had seen the warning signs and not just taken my responses at face value.

    In their defence they all are backing me up now and are dealing with the fallout and are treating me kindly and with understanding.

    I will get trough this.
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    Thank you for your replies. They help.
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    Also, I did receive a private email from the client herself (who is a small business owner and the one in the end financially affected by this launch failing so spectacularly because paying members will need to be reimbursed for loss of service for about a week) where she basically said that she sends me love and solicitude (i think that's the right translation). Reitirating to me that in the end this is "just" a website and that we will get trough this together.

    Ending the email with saying that I am more than welcome back when i am ready (but no earlier) and that she hopes I will ask for any help on a personal level if there's anything she can do.


    Setting aside all the "what ifs", "ands" and "buts" that was very kind of her.
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    I have received my medicines and have for the first time in 24 hours been able to start halting the physical stressresponse that causes my body to go into chock/panic as soon as I start thinking. My migraine have also started to subside in correlation.

    I have communicated to my project manager that I am slowly on the mend at that I will be able to get the most urgent things fixed tomorrow if I get instructions on what they are and in what order i need to do them, and also that I am still not able to have a line of communication with anyone but him because it causes my brain and body to go into chock.

    I'm slowly on the mend.
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    Thank you again for listening. It's incredibly soothing to just relay my situation to people without any investment in the situation, that might also have a special understanding of how a situation like this is for the developer.
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