11
kiki
9d

I tried LSD yesterday!

Backstory: I have a weird combo of bipolar type 1 and autism. During the day, my brain works inconsistently. Here how my day usually goes:
09:00. I wake up. Uninterested, cold, masculine. No thoughts in the background. No OCD.
12:00. Brain warms up. Thought process begins. Thoughts are short in their length
14:00. Thoughts start to get longer. Stress starts to accumulate. Background thoughts start, now typically 2–3 at a time.
16:00. Twitching begins. Thought chains are now 5–6 concepts long, one following the other. Perception level rises quickly. I start to feel more feminine. It is in this state that I start to spot imperfections and mistakes looking at code or text without reading it. I see it like a painting, and mistakes appear as “visually wrong” parts. This does not depend on formatting.
17:00. OCD becomes more severe. I HAVE to touch all the surfaces around me, evenly, as if my hands were text highlighters, and I had to paint everything evenly, without overlaps or spots that are brighter or darker than the others. Some surface textures become irritating, and feel quite unpleasant to the touch. If I go for a run now, like 3 km or so, I feel somewhat relieved.
18:00. Things are getting serious. Creativity levels through the roof. I speak in long, never-ending, profound sentences. Background and foreground thoughts almost become one. I appear visually drunk and happy, despite never drinking alcohol. Femininity rises even further. Sometimes, when I speak to a small group of people, especially if I go with friends to meet new people, and we go to some bar, new people ask to record my voice or to write down whatever I’m saying. To be honest, this reason alone is a huge boost to how I see yourself.
19:00. OCD is crazy now. Surfaces have soul.
21:00 <— Gotta take my meds and go to sleep here to prevent what comes at 22:00
22:00. All thoughts, both foreground and background, fully became one. Now my brain officially disobeys me and thinks on its own, and I can ride it like a surfer at best. Twitching becomes concerning. I develop a 1000-yard stare. I am officially a female. Physical strength is somewhat enhanced. Pain tolerance lowered significantly.
23:00. Derealization begins. The world around me appears two-dimensional and flat, like a picture. It is hard to get home on foot, even in close (less than one km) proximity. Brain is fully numb. All that thought monstrosity that was building up is just noise now. Zero “flops” available to think about something I want to think about, like how much money I have on me or what time it is.

I go to sleep. I see nightmares. I wake up, and the cycle repeats.

Contrary to a popular opinion, I never take any “brain-boosting” meds like antidepressants, and I think now you can see why. I consume neither alcohol nor caffeine. Neither me, nor my doctors want my brain to explode. I only take lamotrigine that helps to “lower down” mania, and quetiapine, a neuroleptic, that slows down my brain, like a neuroleptic. Both are there to slow down my brain, to kinda “throttle” my brain like a CPU to cool it down.

That said, 100ug of LSD just… brought me my usual 18:00 state, but in the morning?

All that small-dose recreational ordeal? The thing that helps people feel more energetic and creative?

People pay money… for that? To feel the way I feel every evening?

Comments
  • 2
    And I know LSD in higher dosage acts differently. Gotta consider trying that.
  • 10
    100µ is a smallish dosis, enough for visuals and some mild effects. 500µ would be a heavy one, though it would take a few trips to reach deeper stuff like ego death.

    A trip sitter is generally advisable. A magnesium pill a few hours before makes things physically more comfortable.

    However, while LSD in itself doesn't cause psychosis, it might trigger already present, but latent conditions. Opening doors is easy, closing them is the issue.

    Hence, not recommended for people who already are unstable. That would include you, unfortunately, unless it's part of a professional therapy - which is unlikely due to the legal state of the substance.
  • 1
    Once you get the message, hang up the phone
  • 2
    @Fast-Nop thanks, this is valuable. I'm now interested in a proper dose, but that will happen once I'm in the Netherlands, as they have psychedelic therapy. Controlled environment, completely legal, proper doctors, all that stuff. I won't take 500+ outside clinic.
  • 3
    @kiki That sounds solid! Also, while LSD is generally rather safe with healthy individuals, physical accidents like stumbling excluded, e.g. high blood pressure or SSRI consumption can be problematic.

    If you have visions and stuff, you are generally aware that these are not part of normal reality. It's just that reality itself is off. That's different from e.g. brugmansia trips (highly discouraged, very dangerous, keep away).

    At least, it's not addictive - the usual addiction mechanism is, you feel bad, take X, you feel better, rinse and repeat. With LSD, it's rather, you feel bad, take it, feel even worse, and don't repeat that.
  • 2
    @Fast-Nop I don't take SSRi precisely for the reasons I described in the rant. Matter of fact, they're a huge no-no in bipolar type I people. I gotta admit, LSD felt a bit like taking Venlafaxine. Maybe LSD has antidepressive effect, and maybe microdosing can help in major depressive disorder. This is perhaps “addictive”, but, if you're prescribed SSRi, and you feel bad without them, does that mean you're addicted?

    About dangerous stuff, I know for a fact that I will never, never take Datura. Fuck it. Absolute evil.
  • 2
    @kiki I wouldn't call SSRIs an addiction because they're not meant for permanent use. Usually as one part of a therapy for clinical depression and then phased out, like two years overall time frame or so.
  • 2
    @Fast-Nop Spravato blurs the line IMO
  • 2
    @Fast-Nop I took ssris for 12 years but slowly weaned off under the guidance of a shrink
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