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You don't need a plan for the rest of your life, don't obsess over this. Dealing with assholes, especially loving them, can really twist your self-image. For myself, I tend to abandon the topic of romance for a while and look back after several months when I'm no longer emotionally consumed by the situation to figure out just what the fuck happened and what I should do.
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@theKarlisK no, but it's understandable that he was angry about being blocked.
From my side tho, if I'm getting over my pride and ego to reach out, I'd appreciate not being treated like the only guilty party. I would've eventually gotten to the apology part if he let me, but he didn't. So. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ -
@aaronswart I'm still contemplating this. Honestly, I don't know if one more round of "this is hurting me" talks would get me anywhere. I'm also human and have a certain torture capacity. Not necessarily a people pleaser, but I respect my connections enough to stick around even when they hurt a little. Plus, if he wanted, I'm sure he'd find a way to connect. He's smart enough. And he knows I like him as a person. It's also a matter of effort. At the point of disconnection, I'm usually tired of being the only one who puts in the effort. Tho, I know people don't have the same capacity of effort and I can bulldoze over some people with (at least mental) effort just cuz I can. So yeah, idk.
Also consider that some people just aim to play with others and don't actually want a deep connection. Or don't see you as a potential for connection and just aim to add you to their "people I know" collection. This gets even more complicated for romance/intimacy. (And yes, I'm an overthinker)
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I need to rant about something that has been on my mind lately.
Someone, actually. Friend/romantic interest of mine, from a few years back.
NGL, I liked him. A lot more than I should have. The man had his own issues, but I refused to tolerate his poisonous behavior. Truth be told, didn't want to hate him, even though he was trying his best to get me there. And so, one day I ended up blocking him after a fight. A few months back, I tried to reconnect. Same behavior. But this time around he did say that he was done with me. So instead of sitting through the torture of his "reasons why you suck" presentation, I blocked him again.
Now, I hope he's doing well. Never wanted anything but happiness for him. And as much as I miss him, I think it's better for him to stay away from me too. I mean, if I trigger him that badly, maybe I shouldn't be around him anyways.
Nowadays, I'm staying away from someone else again. Similar scenario. Reason being that I was actually being mistreated, and again I refuse to be tortured to the point of hating the object of my affection.
I wonder if I get attracted to the torture. I'm okay with dying alone tbh, what I'm not okay with is falling for those who don't want my love and much rather kill it.
... Actually, at this point in life I don't even want to fall for anyone anymore. (That is not the same thing as dating someone I like tho. That, I would do) The darker side of me says those who I fall for are all the same type of disappointment, but the brighter side says that I am enough, complete as is, and not everyone needs someone else. idk maybe I'm being a tad narcissistic, or hyper-independant, or flakey and afraid of attachment. But that first friend occasionally pops up in my thoughts, and reminds me that not everyone appreciates when you don't let someone make you hate them.
Oh well. *sigh*
rant
more than friends
!dev