I wrote a scientific paper of six and a half pages.

This man wrote 60 comments on it.

I admire the dedication. 😐

Fuck virtual reality environments and their inaccurate physics. 😑😑😑

Starting a new project, and learning to work with a new robot. But I'm living in a state of anxiety, so I'm also in a state of mental paralysis rn. Why do I ruin the best things I get in life by just being an anxious mess? 😑

Repeat/repost:

Unfortunately I do not own a drop of what is conventionally known as confidence or ego. It applies to everything; work, skills, relationships, friendships, you name it. I can estimate my chances of succeeding, and sometimes be pretend-delulu for a purpose (you gotta admit, sometimes showmanship is the biggest asset) but I don't understand confidence. In my opinion, it's just a gross overestimation of one's chances.

So this project/paper thing, I feel like I'm blind and running in the forest. I am not counting on my boss, nor am I counting on anyone in the dept to give me clarity or decent feedback. ("Cutting edge" research issues. Not anybody's fault.)

And I guess, in the worst case scenario the paper will be rejected, which would be a setback but not a full failure.

... Actually, that's not the worst case. The worst case would be someone running a peer review and finding that I made a tiny mistake and all my results are bullshit. 🤦

... Anxiety is eating me alive rn. 🤢

I hate nothing as much as I hate endings. I'll go to lengths to avoid putting an end to anything.

So I'm super anxious these days trying to put an end to a project I've been working on for a long-ish while. 😐

Literally I rather having nerve diseases and be in pain 24/7 than submitting it.

Kill me plz. 😫

I have realized that I'm getting nowhere with my boss with my current attitude.

I want to change strategy, but I find it very hard to bite down my tongue and give up on being logical or the attitude of "be competent, do a good job, or gtfo of my way". Like, it's not my place to fix all the issues, neither am I perfect.

I'm not looking for methods of manipulating him, rather I want to change my own perspective and mindset to something that doesn't make me suffer. At least regarding this one person.

!dev

I gained 20+ kilos during covid.

By now I have lost about 19 of those. And no, I didn't do any specific sports or diet. I lost them via ✨anxiety✨.

And yes, I am naturally skinny.

I still have a good 20 to lose to be back at my ""usual"" weight tho. ✌️ (Gained those thanks to depression, hormonal disorder, and related meds)

!dev

All my joy in life rn is tmrw's lunch at the canteen. 😐

Don't.

Remember the boss I so very much wanted to impress and respect?

He told a junior colleague (behind my back) that she should supervise me and give me work.

NGL, I had it. This is where I pivot for the exit. Not sharply tho, but surely finishing the PhD as fast as possible. Unless drastic changes happen, I don't want to work with him in the long run.

I struggled with this the entire weekend. But it's good to finally have a clearer direction.

The bartender stole one euro from me. (Just didn't give me the rest of my money)

So like the awkward nerd that I am, I left and will just sulk and never go back there. I thought this was my new nook. Turns out, no more.

Sad Friday evening noises in distance.

!dev

It's wasp season again.

Fuuuuuuuck! 😫😫😫

Adding "my house manager is a bitch" to the pile of ongoing issues.

My studio is right in front of the courtyard. Which means students partying and I don't get any sleep. So this morning I asked her if I could swap places with another student. She is a broken record. "It's not allowed" is all I hear from her every time regardless of whatever I ask. And as she says, there are new rules and I am not allowed to get a new contract within the same fuckin building. Her own daughter lives in the quiet area, so like, what's with the double standard?

She's lying and I know that. I asked her to put me in touch with her bosses or "owners" as she calls them, and guess what she said; "it's not allowed" 🙄

Anyways, I don't wish her well. I'll eventually find a way out of this expensive silverfish-infested building.

I think it was Mike Rugnetta (from pbs idea channel on YouTube) who once tweeted "worse weekends have happened to better people" or something to that effect.

Word.

1. Bullshit coding challenges that you wouldn't be any good at unless you were doing the same stuff like yesterday. For an entry level job.

2. Stupid tech leads, who can't see people smarter than them so they bring you down in an interview to feel better about themselves. They'll ask you stuff they know is outside of your scope. Mine often ends up being about networking.

3. Stupid HR questions, that basically ask you to ass-kiss the company.

4. When you're actually better than the interviewer at just about anything, including maths, so you have to tiptoe around their ego and not call them out on being slow.

5. When they don't even give you a chance. You enter the interview and by question 3 you know they're gonna reject you and you never had a chance to begin with, so internally you start screaming for the money you spent on the new coat to impress these fuckers.

6. Salary negotiation when you're broke and you'll work for anything that covers your bills and food, basically.

7. Explaining the gaps in resume or radical changes. Like why I was a barista for six months after six months of being out of work.

A senior colleague of mine just announced she'll be leaving by the end of the year.

😐 Why do people I specifically need always leave? Am I that destructive? 😢

I know I'm being dramatic, but like... 😖😣😫

I mean, I could see this as an opportunity, but nah. I rather wallow in self-pity. 😭

Trying my luck for an A rank conference in like 3 months. Things are not done and anxiety will end me before then. 😑

Can't these stupid robots do their own thing without me and get published on my behalf? Shit is tiring! Arghhhhh

If one of these fucking deformable object simulations would actually do contact and collision right, that'd be greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat.
😐

How am I supposed to grab the shit with a robot gripper, if shit doesn't do contact friction right? Gah!

Does "on the toilet" count for this weekly response? 👀

Fucking IEEE pdf eXpress breaks this fucking paper.

The paper has been accepted, and we just need to upload a fucking camera-ready. But what was supposed to be a breeze, is now a nightmare with us spending the entirety of last night and evening trying to figure out why the fuck the latex gutter is keep throwing the same fucking error despite that we've used their own fuckin template, and don't have anything but text and images.

Fuck IEEE for making shit harder. Fuck their stupid submission system. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I don't want to go back to work today. I literally had a 15 hours day yesterday. 😭😭😭😭

Urghhhhhhh Monday 🙄🙄🙄

I don't have a life.

So I'm back at work on a Saturday afternoon (admittedly, I prefer this to staying home or going out to ... Clubbing? Idk what the youth does nowadays) and just about every sound frightens me. Like, I don't mind the squeaky building, but my hormones are off and just about everything sends me into a panic mode. (my mental health rn is... funny 😬) so, I was thinking, I should make something thay covers up the squeaks. Like, plays something classic over squeaks.

... Now, "psychopaths in your area" could use this to their advantage and direct their own music pieces. 👀

"Your code doesn't make me want to off myself".

This motherfucking conference!
I've been waiting for over a day for the fucking notification to come out. The way it is going, were I in Aus the notification would be two fucking days late. If this translates into rejection, I'd like the organizers to drink boiling lava and then get fucked in the arse with frozen lava; cuz the delay is a fucking nerve wracker!

I tried playing with github pages sites today.

It was, as expected, *almost* awful. Tried the toml config first, figured out after a while that shit doesn't map well between jekyll and toml config.

The themes suck but didn't want to fuck with css files. As it is on a public github repo, I can't just copy paste and clean it up.

... So much for free software to be a pain in the arse to deal with. 🙄

Still better than nothing and I guess that's the entire selling point. You suffer, but it's *for free*. 🖕

!dev

Fuck Deutsche Bahn in the arse with multiple cacti. A country that is proud of its railway, cannot actually fucking manage to get one fucking train moving on fucking time.

Have I ever arrived anywhere on time? Fuck no! Deutsche bahn can promise to get you there, but never actually manage to get you there! Fuuuuuuuuck!

I've got a Rubik's cube on Friday.

On Sunday evening, I solved a cube for the first time ever.
For the last two days, I've been solving them a lot. Seems it helps a bit with anxiety. Overall, my brain functionality, I'd argue, has improved.

It's funny how little obsessive things make one survive.

On the other hand, I don't think I'll stay obsessed with it for long. Pity that this nice little while of less anxiety is so short.

In a twist of events, I got myself into a tight paper deadline to help a friend, about a project that I haven't even been a part of.

But, now that the paper is done, hopefully my friend has to go to the conference just to pay for his sins (mostly writing/literature sins), and hopefully I get back into my machine learning adventures!

... I'm super fuckin exhausted tho.
Yesterday I had a panic attack while walking to the grocery shop. Was fun! Always wanted to feel like dying without actually dying! Yay! 🤪 (Wasn't that serious. Don't overreact)

Can anyone explain TRPO (RL) in simple words? I think the paper lost me on vocab more than anything else. 😵

Just sayin, most people can't tell the difference between unconventional and insane.