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First world problems...

I've been working at this startup as a tech lead for a little over a year, and we've grown from 3 to over 150 employees, and a bit over a million end users.

I've spent tens of thousands on high end displays and chairs for your lazy butts, on external consultants to help and train you, even those fucking dirty recruiters have leeched their shares of the pie. I built an amazing luxury kitchen with a fridge, beer cooler, induction plates and a blender for all your crossfitting bodybuilder meals, but forgot to think of my own needs.

NOW I JUST WANT TO BUY A GOOD COFFEEMAKER AND ALL THESE FUCKING TEASLURPING FAKE DEV-BROS SUDDENLY START SCREAMING ABOUT BUDGETS AND HOW COFFEE IS NOT NECESSARY IF YOU MEDITATE. FUCK YOU, WE'RE LIKE THE ONLY STARTUP IN THE COUNTRY RUNNING A FAT PROFIT. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID MINDFULNESS IOS APP. GIVE ME MY FUCKING ESPRESSO OR I'LL BLEND YOUR BALLS INTO A PROTEIN SHAKE.

Comments
  • 36
    This made me want coffee
  • 25
    How can they not drink coffee wtf?
  • 16
    Damn, you hired the new kind of Hipster-dev.
  • 18
    @b3b3 I've never even considered the possibility that devs could be drinking tea while coding.
  • 6
    @theuser well in school I'm actually drinking tea (during normal class and IT theory) but in practical classes I ask my teachers whether I could use their coffee machine. Guess why I love my IT teachers :)
  • 55
    @karmak Yeah during lunch it's all talk about gym performance, tanning lotions, expensive beard waxes and whether a turtleneck or a plaid jacket looks better.

    One guy started it, and within a month they all turned into pretend-gay lumberjacks who lift but are afraid to get dirty. At least there's diversity: half of them are religiously vegan and only consume fresh mint tea and quinoa salads, the other half only eats buttered cauliflower minced meat and protein shakes.

    I might actually overpay a recruiter to find us a few neckbeards. No skills required, just run around deodorantless with unkempt chinhair, and confuse the gymbros with stories about archaic Linux editors and D&D jokes.
  • 18
    Ah, a proper rant. Something you don't see too often these days that its feels so good to read someone else's pain
  • 1
    Favorited.
  • 1
    @theuser i played games when i drank tea
    now i'm learning html/CSS/js since i've switched to coffee
  • 1
    @theScientist knowing today's hipsters, i'm not sure they'll appreciate it
  • 2
    Proper rant is proper. ++ to you, and some coffee too.
  • 5
    Tea's the only way forward Devs 🍵 😉
  • 3
    "crossfitting bodybuilder" >> These words do not go in the same sentence 🤣
  • 4
    @Wallpaper I'm sorry, my hipster vernacular is not that great
  • 4
    @bittersweet I'm in so so in. Skip the recruiter fee and pay me already the flight and reallocation to walk around without deodorant and a big uncared look very well cared beard
  • 1
    Looks like I'm in the wrong company. No extras and I have to bring my own coffee...and the worst of all.. We work nearly exclusively with typo3. :/
  • 1
    Zipity do dah, zipity day, I need good coffee, for a good day.
  • 1
    @bittersweet
    Love this stuff, keep it flowing - priceless
  • 1
    The Hipster-dev is the worst dev.
    They study hard for the interviews but they are incompetent and write useless spaghetti code.
  • 1
    Since some years I also just drink tea. Green Tea gives so much more energy and this sencha tea from japan is like 10 expresso. The effect also lasts way longer.
  • 1
    @bittersweet 😂 dude you're amazing!

    I'm one of those tea slurping startup guys but hell I'd get you a truckload of the best damn coffee beans straight from the plains of Africa for those efforts. And those results, damn!

    Its crazy how great lengths you go to make these devs comfortable there
  • 1
    @Doomenik do I sense a hipster sneaking into our glorious coffee fueled mists ;)

    But if that tea is as strong as you say I will definately have to check it out!
  • 1
    @irene makes me wonder if Google should train its Ai to drink coffee to make it more human-like and accepted 🤔
  • 1
    @justwellbrock They're wayyy ahead of you.
  • 1
    @bittersweet lol 🤣 good job google
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