20
ocdman
5y

Hi
I'm an active user here so I know most of you.

I created a throwaway because I consider this a sensitive subject to me, and don't want people here to think I'm crazy.

I have some form of ocd but I don't know exactly which subtype it is.

It's not really something that makes my life impossible, but it makes me feel awful from time to time.

the way it works is that I imagine accidents happening to me or people I love, and I get triggered more if they are potentially caused by a mistake from me and they feel very vivid in my mind.

It's awful and terrifying.

Being close to anything that could cause harm is a trigger:
heights without any type of fall protection, knives, elevators, escalators, being on a plane

Being close to/in said objects/situations can start a clip in my mind as if I was watching a final destination movie.

This is a stronger obsession if it happens because of my fault, like tripping with my kid in my arms, or fumbling a knife while I cook.

Sometimes I react by curling and doing a painful expression and twitching a bit, even in public.

it's terribly painful.

i look like a crazy person, although considering what I'm writing, i probably am. It's just that I feel very scared of strangers in public noticing what I'm doing and finding out I'm crazy.

sometimes I get scared of the possibility of me being an actual psycho like the ones you see on crime shows.

as far as i know i think im normal in terms of compassion, empathy to others and never had any interest in harming others.

it's just part of the ocd, being hypervigilant of me, obsessing over me causing harm either accidentally or deliberately.

I'm also very scared of puking in public, or even worse, in front of friends.

Specially true if you're eating but you're seated in a spot where there's no way out except if everybody gets up.

I start by becoming self conscious of the possibility of puking, and sometimes I twitch a bit too, while trying to not look too crazy and joping that the next bite doesn't cause me to projectile vomit over people.

I hate this shit.

Comments
  • 9
    1. You’re NOT a crazy.
    2. Have talked to a mental health professional about any of this. Not because you’re crazy. Because this is a mental issue that’s clearly harming you.
    3. I like your no-nonsense handle ☺️

    Edit: I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I’ve got meds for both. Don’t underestimate the efficacy of chemistry. You’re brain is a complex composition of chemical reactions and the right chemicals, administered properly, can correct those reactions that may be hurting you. 😁
  • 1
    Hello!! I am a fellow sufferer of OCD. In a morbid way, I'm happy to find someone with real OCD and not that symmetry/perfectionism misinformation.

    You're not crazy. We're not crazy. OCD feeds off of the stress it causes you, and that's one of the ways it becomes stronger.

    I'll get to the point. You need to not partake in your compulsions. Yes, this is extremely difficult (but not impossible). It's known as exposure response therapy, or ERP. By not giving into a compulsion, you slowly but surely weaken the OCD. Giving into your OCD will in fact make compulsions worse in the future. Eventually, it gets easier and the compulsion goes away all together. I used to fear getting moisture on my electronics while talking, so I spent a month saying "spitty" words closer and closer to it, and forcing myself not to react.
  • 0
    Some things that have helped me.

    Meds (don't accept anti-psychotics, my OCD mother did and turned into a zombie until someone knowledgeable fixed it)

    Therapist specializing in OCD

    Being with friends helped get my mind off of some situations.

    Join us on /r/OCD, by the way. It's a very helpful support group.
  • 2
    Sounds like a mix w/ paranoia :)

    I have something of sorts.. Although it might not be the same. Every time I'm in potentialy dangerous situation I can't help but think of horrible things. When driving long distances quite often varioys scenarious of a horrible accident come to mind. Like there's an accident where I fall off the vehicle on the road and a truck does not stop in time; instead it runs over me and I *feel* every rib cracking in slow-mo, my liver, spleen, guts, etc squishing out, popping on the road, my backbone breaking and praying I lose all my sensations asap to end that suffering. I cant help but imagine all this in the most vivid, most detail way possible, and not only seeing, but also trying to feel every single fucking thing.
    And it's not just while driving. Walking in a park -- I imagine a tree falling on me, a pack of wolves attacking us, tearing my body apart piece by piece; swimming in the sea/lake/wtv -- veing sucked in and drowning slooo-ooowly; hiking -- falling off some high cliff, cracking every bone I have but still consious, feeling unternal bleeding kick in with all the weird sensations and realizing these are my final minutes; etc etc.

    Don't know if this is something like your case. Anyway, somehow I've managed to live w/ it. I'm paranoid, always double, tripplechecking everything, carrying a bag of anything I might need in my trunk, thinking 3-5 sreps ahead of my/someone else's actions and so on. It no longer bothers me that much, now it's just a lil annoying :)
  • 0
    Try to find a way to turn your thing into a good thing. It's possible you won't get rid of it, ever, so find a way to make your enemy your friend :)

    I find my episodes quite useful as they warn me of potential dangers. As a result I can try and plan ahead to avoid them, I come up with 2, 3, 5 or more different recovery and getaway scenarios, I have time to think of signs I shoul look for, like an odd hustle of leaves/grass [wolves, rabied foxes, etc], damaged trees or learning to recognise trees having their roots close to surface, looking for a pair of shining eyes close to roads at night, and so on.
  • 1
    @netikras This sounds a lot like one of my anxiety related issues. I imagine lots of horrible "what if" scenarios in reasonable detail to the point that i visibly flinch or have the urge to puke. It's worst for me when walking over bridges or being in the front seat of a car. It's much more frequent when I am already stressed/anxious.
  • 0
    @tenCharacters that's interesting :) It does not bother me being _ON_the bridge. But the moment I stand _UNDER_ one -- the fantasy kicks in :D

    Cool, apparently my freaky mind has buddies! :D
  • 0
    two things here. sertraline is used to treat ocd. i don't know if you have a primary care physician, but if you do, even if you're scared shitless to go, wear adult diapers. because if small doses of the sertraline curb or make vanish this ideation, you'll be in control.
    the second is that during my flat's remodel, I was so much at a loose end because i was being lied to by people I was admitting to my home, that one morning early when my father was visiting, he suggested we start putting things away. What that means is he'll put things where he thinks they should go. I just said 'no.' as he was beginning to persist i began uncontrollably screaming at him. then i had the ideation of pulling a kenneth halliwell, and bashing his skull in with a claw hammer. after he left i must have rung him three times to be sure i hadn't done it. what i'm saying is we can all be driven to extremes, and that doesn't mean we're batshit crazy.
  • 0
    Try not to worry too much. There is no such thing as 'normal'! What is normal for one, may not be normal for another. Is it normal if you dress up like a woman in the weekend and go out? That you take some of your own shit and clay a dildo from it and use it to penetrate your partner? Things like this happen in the real world, done by persons who seem to be standard role models, perfectly normal.
  • 1
    gents, thanks a lot for the support!

    i never talked about this, so it feels liberating

    I did go to theraphy, but this type of ocd is more recent it showed up when my first kid was born. I guess it's a natural reaction of wanting to protect your child but gone hyper.

    someone said it sounds like paranoia and that totally makes sense now.

    i do get triggered too when going over bridges, specially if there's water below, specially when going with the stroller because strollers don't float.

    @Nanos funny you mention that, i have decent hearing, i used to get chords and melodies out of songs and my music teachers were usually pleased with me identifying notes.

    it's not prodigy level and don't have absolute pitch though, just good or decent i think.

    why do you ask? is there a bigger incidence of crazy music people?
  • 0
    @Nanos I want to know more about this. This eerily correlates with me / my experiences. Edit: The nordic thing i mean.
  • 0
    @dUcKtYpEd I feel the same way too man.
    In fact, I'm avoding making a trip to a beach near my house with the fam, because the road is full of cliffs and I can't even fathom the possibility of harm happening to my kids, it destroys my emotions.

    my wife on the other hand is like "accidents on that road are very rare, and can happen anywhere anyways", which seems very plausible to me
  • 0
    @Nanos yes! normal people deny the possibility of everything, they're oblivious.

    I very much agree with your tip of being practical.
    You thought of a lot of scenarios! a lot more than I do.
  • 0
    @Nanos your posts are awesome, your paragraphs are like self contained awesomeness

    you can read any of them separately and they will still make sense, almost as if designed by a programmer.

    i agree with how easy it is to die. I like the expression "life is precarious".
  • 1
    guys, once again, thanks for a lot for the support,

    even though it doesn't make my anxiety go away entirely, it does become a lot more manageable knowing my real thoughts are out there and people are going through similar
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