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Hello again, everyone. As Sunday comes to a close, and Monday is fast approaching, I'll share with you the likely cause of my death by stroke and/or heart attack:
MONDAY MORNING COFFEE OF HORROR
Disclaimer: Do NOT try this. I am a professional addict. I am not responsible for anything this brew from hell causes to you and/or those around you.
So, I wake up, feeling like I haven't slept for days, or just notice the fucking alarm clock shrieking because I pulled an all-nighter.
Step 1: Silence alarm clock via mild violence.
Step 2: Get the coffee machine to brew some filter coffee (espresso works too)
Step 3: Get milk and ice cubes from the fridge (both are needed, I don't care if you don't like milk, trust me)
Step 4: Get 2 spoonfuls (not tea spoon, and actually FULL spoonfuls) into the biggest glass you have
Step 5: Pour just a little of the warm filter coffee into the glass, just to get the instant coffee wet enough, and start mixing, until the result looks like the horror you unleashed in your toilet a few minutes ago (and will do so again in a few)
Step 6: Mix in 25-50 ml milk, just for the aesthetic change of colour of the devil-brew, and to add the necessary amount of lactic acid to react with the coffee to produce chemical X
Step 7: Add ice cubes to taste (if you are new to this, add a lot)
Step 8. Slowly add the filter coffee while mixing furiously, so that the light brown paste at the bottom get dissolved (it's harder than it sounds)
Now, take a deep breath. Before you is a disgusting brew undergoing a chemical reaction, and your moves need to be precise otherwise it will explode. Note that sugar or any other form of sweetener is FORBIDDEN, as it will block the reaction chain and the result won't be as potent.
Take a straw (a big one, not those needle-like ones that some cafeterias give to fool you into believing that the coffee is more than 150ml). Put it inside the mix, and check that the route to the bathroom is free of obstacles.
Now, clench your abs, close your nose if you are new to this, grab the straw and DRINK!
DRINK LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW!
THAT BROWN DEVIL'S BILE WILL HAVE YOUR INTESTINES SPASM AND DANCE THE MACARENA WHILE TWIRLING A HULA HOOP!
YOUR HEART WILL GO OVERDRIVE HARDER THAN YOUR PC'S CPU WHEN COMPILING ON ECLIPSE AND BROWSING WITH IE AT THE SAME TIME.
The combination of caffeine and lactic acid will bring out the perfectly disgusting combination of sour and bitter usually expected in rotting lemons. After you manage to chug it down (DON'T SPILL OR SPIT ANY!) you have 30 - 60 seconds max to run to the porcelain throne, where you will spend the next 30-60 minutes.
After that, nothing can stop you! You will fix bugs, write entire codebases from scratch, punch that annoying coworker, punch that boss! You will be a demigod among mortals for the next 6-8 hours!
Your recipes for Monday morning coffee?

Comments
  • 6
    Are you a masochist or what
  • 12
    @kamen Well, I never said I ENJOYED that thing. So... no, I am not a masochist, but this brew wakes me up on Mondays.

    Oh, I almost forgot! For those that really want to spice things up, and have a death wish, add a shot of Red Bull or Monster! Guaranteed to resurrect corpses and kill the living! Oh, wait....
  • 7
    I prefer mixing caffeine and vinegar, then injecting it into my bloodstream.
  • 3
    Also, you have earned a "favorite" from me
  • 2
    @ewpratten Why, thank you.

    Also, caffeine and vinegar? Never thought of that combination. I'll have to conduct experiments...
  • 1
    It's easier and probably healthier just to use amphetamine... Much less drama, better effect, thrill from doing something illegal - is a bonus!
  • 5
    @mt3o ...and also more expensive, I'd estimate.

    Besides, there are laws that ban driving while high on drugs or intoxicated, but no laws for driving while buzzed with coffee! :)

    Coffee is hate, coffee is death, coffee is coding.
  • 1
    Is illegal unless it's prescribed :)
    And I'm not telling you to get high!
  • 9
    > pour 6 instant coffee in a 250ml bottle
    > drink....
    > can't wink
    > can't sleep
    > next day still awake
    > invented Minecraft 2
  • 4
    1) Make a big cup of filter coffee
    2) Slice 50 - 100 grams of butter from a butter stick and add this to the coffee
    3) Add a big table spoon of coconut oil
    4) Stir until dissolved

    No breakfast needed. Alert and full all morning. Bulletproof. You're welcome.
  • 2
    Better just sleep for the many minutes that routine takes you.
  • 1
    @JohnnyBvo Good ol bulletproof coffee.. 👌🏼
  • 3
    I drink about 3 cups of this, daily, 5 days a week. The boss imports extra strength Israeli instant coffee for mine as well.

    It's enough for me to work ~80hrs/wk every week :D
  • 0
    And I thought I was the only one 😅😂🤣
  • 0
    Try adding monster energy to that brew.
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