!dev (Please, don't take this very seriously, I'm kind of burnt out)

I'm not having a good time.

I can't even write a post to properly explain how I feel.

I feel disappointed by life and by myself in many levels. Life is disappointing. I am disappointing too.

I'm having issues to focus, can't even write a couple of lines of code.

Time to listen to some emo lofi and write about how much I hate myself.

I wished I didn't feel these feelings.
I wished I didn't regret so many things I did or didn't do.
I wished I could fucking understand everything I read, but I don't, everything I read is gibberish, every paragraph makes me feel like I'm drifting in a storm.

I wished I was happy with my career, with my job. I wished I had a true friend.
I wished I could finish one goddamn fucking project for once.

I wished there was something that made me unique, but I don't think there's any.
I just feel like an ant, and that I don't really matter.

I don't feel like I'm someone at all, I feel like I'm experiencing a dream, and a rather boring one.

Programming used to be challenging and fun for me, but it has become this dull and stressful ordeal.

The internet has shown me that I don't matter really. I remember being a little kid and believing that the internet would not discriminate you, that right from the comfort of your house you could connect to people and be cared for, and collaborate in something.

But every year that passes I see that I was wrong. I have tried to put in time into people, I have asked people how they're doing, I have cared for their projects. But there's no reciprocation.

The internet itself has become a thing where the big fish only matters. The top 1k users will get 99% of the attention.

Fuck nurture, rule competition.

What's the point of creating a github project that you think it's cool? No one will give two shits about it, it won't make a goddamn difference whether you push it or not.

You know what fucking matters? If you're an apple or google developer and have thousands of followers.

Bla, bla, bla, I'm depressed...

  • 7
    I also feel that I'm doomed because I picked a career that requires you to spend big amounts of time on a computer, and that will naturally decay my mental health. whoops.
  • 4
    @jennytengsonM indeed, a 2 week one coming up, thank goodness...
  • 5
    Maybe take a leadership role or something to get away from coding all day everyday? Or get into the education field? Or maybe become some sort of consultant?

    Also, make sure you don't spend too much time outside of work coding so that you're not making it worse
  • 5
    I don't know if this applies, but when I'm starting to feel suffocated and the self doubt starts to creep in, then I need to do a critical separation of concerns.

    I'm the type that will become obsessed with something that I initially find fun, until it's just another bother. And as @Stuxnet said, don't work outside of work.

    Also people can be shit. They will bring you down at points.
  • 6
    Do some cocaine it will help
  • 2
    programming should not be challenging, this wears you out
  • 2
    @kfalencik in all seriousness if weed is legal or not tested for where you are at can actually help. Or so I’ve been told...
  • 0
    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good, other things become bad.
    Being and non-being create each other.
    Difficult and easy support each other.
    Long and short define each other.
    High and low depend on each other.
    Before and after follow each other.
    Therefore the sage acts without doing anything and teaches without saying anything.
    Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go.
    She has but doesn't possess, acts but doesn't expect.
    When her work is done, she forgets it.
    That is why it lasts forever."
  • 2
    When i feel that nobody pays attention on me i m trolling online with my main profile.
    I have made it to a big news paper on my country that openly called me a piece of shit and a few hundred people message me to show some hate.
    Its a good feeling for me. 🙂
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