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Why do HR people ask stupid questions like the following ones? Everytime I get those questions, I have imaginary answers like the ones right after each question.

Why do you want to work here?

- Obviously, because I need the money to survive. I'm not here because I love working for you and having to endure your stress. I'm not that type of a kinky person.

Are you flexible?

- Why? Do you want to annoy me when I'm sleeping in the middle of the night because of a sudden deadline or because a god damn employee didn't show up?

Do you see yourself as a perfect fit for both developer and tech support roles?

- Read my fucking resume, moron. I applied for a developer role. Nothing else.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

- As if you would care. It's none of your business, but since we are at it. I see myself as your manager in 5 years. Hope that you like that thought.

We didn't bother reading your CV. Would you like to tell us about yourself?

- Nope. Have a nice day and suck my dick. I'm leaving.

Can you give us your phone number and the phone number of your girlfriend?

- I didn't know that I am selling my soul to your company by accepting this job offer. I'm not your slave and you will not call me whenever I'm enjoying my private time.

What's motivating you?

- Money and the peaceful vibe at work when you are shutting the fuck up when I'm fully focused during my projects.

How do you handle stress?

- I dick slap everyone infront of me.

Do you see yourself as a hard worker?

- Nah, I'm not interested in sucking dicks, eating her ass and bending over to get a little bit of a raise.

Comments
  • 8
    Wtf? I honestly hope girlfriends number part was a joke..
  • 8
    @myss it was a joke. I would not be shocked if they did though.

    If I'm not answering their calls, someone else could which increases the chance of reaching me.
  • 11
    Why do you want to work here?
    - have you even looked up this company? Do you even know what they do?
    - it's used to filter out the CV spammers who are just throwing them at any job and seeing what sticks.

    Are you flexible?
    - expect overtime,
    - expect strange hours when required
    - expect late nights
    - are you happy with a 9-5 job with the occasional light night?

    do you see yourself as a perfect for for the roles?
    - this could just be a test In itself. The safe answer is no, with room to improve.

    Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
    - this is to see if you have a plan, a goal for your career or hell even happy just to continue doing dev work.

    I give up,
    But most of these are standard questions to see if you actually fit within the company, have researched the company and are willing to work more then a strict 9-5 job.
  • 5
    @C0D4 interesting insight, but if you are having 2 to 3 job interviews every week for one to two months, it becomes exhausting to memorize all of the company history etc.

    I had that last year. 3 interviews in the same week while having to learn for an exam.

    That's simply not possible.
    And besides of that no one would really love to do that. I can learn about the company after me getting the job.
  • 5
    @-ANGRY-STUDENT- I don't think you are expected to know the history of the company, but it's reasonable to expect you to have looked at what the company does.

    I mean - if its a consulting firm, the technologies involved and the general field that the company gets customers from might be enough. But if you're applying for a job in a start up company that produces assistant robots they will likely a) want you to have understood the pros/cons of working in a start up and b) be passionate about the future of robotics.
  • 1
    Because they’re trying to protect you from mistake they made a few years ago by applying for work.
  • 0
    @myss well they do ask for emergency contacts so...
  • 0
    @-ANGRY-STUDENT- with such cases I ask my interviewers the questions:

    "Thanks, what's your company about? What does it do?"
    "How's the team workflow like?"
    "How long are your sprints?"
    "Do you allow people to eat in the desk or do you provide a designated pantry?"

    Stuff like that
  • 11
    Are you flexible?

    Yes. (proceed to straighten my legs and touch my knees with my chin)
  • 2
    " Nope. Have a nice day and suck my dick. I'm leaving."

    I have to go out and apply to a job just so I can try this one!

    And I don't even need the job!
  • 1
    @ctrl-alt-del I am so going to do that next time
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