131
Cyanite
3y

I grinded out 8k lines of code in four weeks, but don't consiter myself a programmer.

I can sit down at a computer and in under five minutes have all of the passwords saved to a USB, and the OS is rendered unusable, but I don't consiter myself a hacker.

I can make great high quality artwork, but don't call myself an artist.

I got 2k ++ in 16 days, but have yet to order my stickers because I don't feel like i've earned them.

But most impressively of all, I can fool everyone around me into thinking I'm happy. Even though I'm unsure I can even feel it.

..Bit of a darker rant, but some things need to be said.

Comments
  • 5
    that is dark...
  • 8
    *watch out, we have a baddass picture* ;)
  • 17
    Honestly, all of that's true but the last thing. That, however, is only true on days that i am in fact sad. (about 1/3 the time, though my doctor is trying to help me with that)

    (Also getting things like this off my chest helps me feel better when i'm low. :3)
  • 1
  • 1
    @magicMirror
    Dark stories(even shitty poem things) make me feel better when i'm low. :3
  • 3
    We have too much in common.
  • 3
    (huh.. I like the human)
    We should be friends. ;3
  • 8
    I never use any social media or any chatting app. But devRant is like something else. Love this community
  • 2
    @treeroot
    I also have a buisness twitter that I have been using though :P
  • 1
    .... Same here, tomorrow exam gonna start but something bothering me so hard that I can't even concentrate on study or anything. Been low for 2 months, daily 3-4hour sleep.... Fml :(.
    And still overthinking and getting sad.
  • 1
    @Cyanite you deleted old comment.😂. Why? (One with nsfw Twitter)
  • 1
    @treeroot
    Friend was like "OMG WTF??" (pffffttt... Lol)
  • 1
    @Cyanite can you tell me username of that account. I am curious now.
  • 2
    @lazysnail devRant will help you with that.
    Welcome to devRant
  • 1
    @treeroot
    It's not hard to find xD
  • 1
    @Cyanite I will try then. Will get back to you tomorrow.
  • 4
    I'm pretty sure saving stored passwords in a USB is not actual hacking since you'll probably only be running a simple script (which in most cases is just found on Google)
  • 1
    @eeeddr
    It was a script. Python. Saved passwords from IE/Edge Chrome Opera Safari Win/7/8/10 and IMVU :3 (A mix of my own work, and open source work)
  • 1
    @Cyanite so what do you do when you are at doctors, and what do you do to beat the sadness ?
  • 1
    @sam9669
    What do you mean "what do I do when I'm at the doctor's"?

    "what do you do to beat the sadness ?" Work. Seriously. It occupies my mind. That's why you'll hear me talk about working 18 hour days.
  • 1
    @Cyanite both the question asking about coping up with the mood, but the former part came out wrong
  • 2
    @sam9669
    Sorry.. Please rephrase.

    Can't have caffeine with my new medication, so i'm easily confused.. x.x
  • 5
    These kind of rants get me confused, I never know if it's alright to ++ them or not...
    But I can relate, been through some dark periods myself, usually things tend to get better, but who knows. Good luck and keep on posting, as you said, it's better to get these things out.
  • 3
    @mrbongiolo
    I'd say ++

    Thanks, and yeah, while I might be secluding myself a bit, I have good friends. And I am lucky to also have family here for me. Not everyone gets that privilege. You take what you've got - move one step at a time - and just live life.
  • 3
    Stay strong and keep on.
  • 2
    It gets better.
  • 4
    @hasit
    @tkglaser

    I'm in a much better mood now guys. <3
  • 3
    Why does everyone in this post have blue as their avatar background color?
  • 1
    @simeg
    Mine is Cyan! >:c
  • 2
    @Cyanite ok blueish then. It's interesting.
  • 2
    @simeg there is a pattern.
  • 2
    @rtannerf I think we have met before.
  • 1
    You sound like you are convinced yourself that you have reached a point where doing something great in the sense that it meets your standard of success is but only a few easily imaginable steps away. So just do it man, just do something great with the skills you have, will make it a lot easier for the rest of us to gain the courage to do the same.
  • 1
    @RStrydom
    I'm poor .-.
  • 6
    @Cyanite that's good to hear. You know what, bad days are inevitable, shit happens, usually more than we would want it to, but good days are also inevitable, good moment happens. I'm not sure why some people try so hard for a never ending happiness, I much prefer tranquility, after you've been through so many hard moments you start to learn that they ain't forever and that you're capable of moving forward. Despite thinking that you ain't this or that, it really seems like you got things done and that's really good, at some point you'll start appreciating your abilities and recognize the good work that you've done with what you had at the time.
    Damn, and here I'm writing a TLTR comment again :)
  • 2
    @Cyanite Mine's fear of failure (in a non hysterical way)
  • 3
    @RStrydom
    I fail alot. That's fine. I learn. I have fun.
  • 1
    @Cyanite gimme your irc or something we gotta chat, this burden is over
  • 1
  • 3
    I'm the same way, if I go off SSRIs. Just remember you don't HAVE to be happy. You don't owe the world happiness. Try not to feel pressure to be happy, and just forgive yourself on days when you're super depressed and not the person you want to be. I still get depressed about 1 day a week. I've adapted to where I don't beat myself up about it. I know it'll only last a day or two, and until then I won't accomplish much. And that's OK.
  • 3
    You have achieved more than a lot of people so i wont pity you. Being happy is not like a skill you have to master. Get angry and get sad those things are part of life. Like Churchill said if you're going through hell keep going. If you are clinically depressed seek help and try not to go online much.
  • 4
    @pedro-abreu
    It might seem like I do, but I don't want pitty. I just want to be heard. And I am getting help. The "new medication" I keep complaining about that I can't drink caffeine with is anti-depressants. And online is the only place I feel accepted.
  • 1
    @pedro-abreu
    I have yet to achieve anything yet. I am a failed developer, a failed artist, and a failed hacker.
  • 7
    @mrbongiolo I read it. :D haha and it was beautiful piece of advise. :) Thank you.
  • 2
    Haha can relate. Don't let the imposter syndrome kick in!!
    If you can do it, do it! Don't feel afraid to be proud of what you've earned. (Within reason haha)
  • 1
    @Cyanite I feel like you. But online or not its the same thing to me. You seem very communicative and ready to improve your situation, so at leste you have that.
  • 0
    @pedro-abreu
    I feel like I can improve. I just need help. :/
  • 1
    @Cyanite exercise, read books, build or code something you like, make new friends (you have to be bold)
  • 0
    @pedro-abreu
    I am working on a big project.. Actually going to start a collab here pretty soon. ;3

    I just have issues. New medication is supposed to help me, but can't have caffeine with it, so i've been so tired..
  • 1
    @Cyanite what kind of project are you working on?
    It gotta be hard without caffeine :|
    I'm not really an exercise guy, but sometimes it helped me when I needed an energy boost and couldn't use coffee or anything else, just a little walk might be enough to get it going, it helps if you have a dog that won't stop asking until you go out with him :D
    In some of my worst days he was the only reason I would be able to get out of bed, it was a tough process.
  • 1
    @Cyanite 🕆God Bless you.🕆
  • 1
    @mrbongiolo
    Hacking game ------ > https://patreon.com/TheCyaniteProje...

    I'm taking a little break right now for various reasons. Will pick the project back up in a week or so.
    :3
  • 1
    Wow I read your rant and got overwhelmed by how little I know by comparison. But I guess you're aiming super high, so you have no point looking back at what you've accomplished xD
  • 0
    @honeyBadgerJeff
    I've acomplished nothing. That's the point.
  • 5
    Wow, everyone here is so nice and supportive :) I don't know why I'm surprised - I probably thought this would be like "the internet" where only trolls live.

    Hang in there Cyanite
  • 4
    @rewna welcome to devRant
  • 1
    I find that this advice applies to programming too ;) https://youtu.be/7_1i4djTBR8
  • 0
    @honeyBadgerJeff
    Are you the post-apocalyptic environment guy?
  • 1
    @Cyanite No, but my avatar still makes me that cool
  • 1
    @Cyanite the feeling with the failure is mutual, unless I complete something that has never been done before I doubt I'll ever feel I've accomplished anything
  • 1
    To top it off I feel like a failure by just not knowing things, though I'm a developer I want equal knowledge in electronics, physics, etc..to get creative, to invent. At this rate I'll end up in a stupid job.. However I am trying to research and learn on my own, nevertheless my mind is pretty confused atm.

    The most horrible feeling I felt was when a guy around my age (18-19) built an ML program using tensorflow to analyze mammograms... He was shown off at Google I/O.

    The aftermath of these kinda success stories is that I ask myself a question 'I'm his age and what have I done?'

    A bit unrelated, Just felt like confessing though.
  • 2
    @TheAnimatrix
    In responce to your first comment.. You could always help me with my game. Whenever I make progress on it, that feeling of failure gets weaker. Other develpers keep telling me that it could turn into a big deal. Maybe even a Minecraft competitor if I play my cards right. But I can't do it alone..
  • 0
    @Cyanite i did appreciate your project too I believe, exams going on atm... Definitely will try to join your collab post June 1. Have a few ideas as for it as well, will discuss them on the call about when free.
  • 1
    @TheAnimatrix there is a private repo for my personal contributors. If you decide to join, I'll add you. The only requirement is that you have a Telegram account.
  • 0
    @Cyanite installed, so how would you add me now
  • 1
    @TheAnimatrix
    Go under settings and set a username, and give it to me. And/Or search for @TheCyaniteProject
  • 0
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