162
kurtr
1y

IF PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES WERE DRUGS:

JavaScript = Methamphetamine:
Anyone can cook some up at home but only pros can make the good stuff without blowing everything up.
Under the influence it tries to do everything at once, in seemingly no specific order before running off and making plenty of promises - but you have no clue if it kept any until it returns.

C = Heroin:
It takes some prep before you can take a hit but when you do it's far more potent than expected. When prepped (compiled) correctly it will induce complete and utter ecstasy but any error or abuse may kill you, leave you on the floor, in a coma or wishing you were dead.

HTML = Paracetamol(Panado):
Some don't think it's a real drug and others do. Either way you should grow a pair and try something a little more hardcore.

--------------------------------------

I came up with these after I randomly explained asynchronous js to a junior as synchronous code on meth. These were just off the top of my head, please feel free to correct or expand on them :-)

Comments
  • 56
    Python = Coffee(stimulant, not a drug per se)
    There's nothing you can't get done with a good brand, but it can just as easily make you stay up all night and make your eyes watery in the wee little hours if you overdo it. But the rush you get from it, there's nothing quite like it.

    Just my biased 2 cents. :)
  • 52
    Php => weed. Many dislike it, some even deny it as a real programming language.
    The hipsters tends to love it and it is often the driver behind man successful business men.
    On its own its neither beautiful, good nor bad.
    Many scientists extract compounds from it, for their company's own in-house blend.
    But rarely anybody admits it.
  • 37
    Kotlin = MDMA
    You feel the excitement grow as you move forward in learning until you discover another beautiful concept, and then you're submerged by an overflow of emotions leading you to an undisturbed extase.
    It keeps you up for hours and it's all you think about for a few days after, you question your life choices: "why the fuck did I not learn it sooner?"
  • 6
    Guess I'm on JavaScript right now then 😂
  • 16
    @ScribeOfGoD that's methed up man 😲
  • 1
    @kurtr help keep you awake and focused, same with Adderal. Definelty helps with coding lol.
  • 2
    @ScribeOfGoD I know, I was just kidding. I use amphetamines occasionally to meet unrealistic deadlines or to stay up an extra 12 hours when a server freaks out on a friday afternoon
  • 4
    I am on c. It is like the best one
  • 37
    Vbscript = tobacco:
    It's smelly and leaves a bad taste in the mouth...
  • 6
    @kurtr don't forget, anybody with a good sense of smell, that's not exposed to it, can smell it on a decent distance x)
  • 15
    Currently working with Rust.

    I'd say Ayahuasca, as it feels like you mind is staring in the face of a Godly type system as divine as Haskell's while being as intimately intertwined with the spirit of your hardware as in C...

    ...While at the same time you vaguely realize that your earthly body is only capable of excreting puke and projectile shit. You then slowly feel your ego dying, and you hug your keyboard while crying and wishing you could dissolve into bits, singing songs of executable code within your CPU forever.
  • 13
    @lumi but wouldn't Java be coffee?

    (Sorry for the terrible pun... I'll leave now)
  • 3
    @ryanmhoffman Hey, whatever floats your boat. I'm not judging...
  • 1
    @lotd you dont live in the same country as i ;)
  • 2
    @Santaclauze that's true.
    But my point still stands :p
  • 2
    Best rant ever (said the pothead)
  • 1
    -1 for seeing HTML as a Programming language...
  • 6
    Looks like there are a lot of experts in the drug field working undercover as a developer 😂😂
  • 1
    C# is LSD, everything just fits together so beautifully... One of the few things that can convince you that a higher power might exist...
  • 9
    Haskell = DMT

    Some first time users experience a very strong "Come to Jesus" moment, and often report visions of God and the greater meaning of life. Afterwards there is a feeling of enlightenment and Zen-like peace.

    Others have horrific visions of aliens and death. They completely lose their shit and never return to functional progra-- errrrr I mean hallucinogens.
  • 3
    Javascript = Alcohol

    Too much of it gets you pissed and makes you do do really regrettable shit.
  • 1
    @gaben 😫 duuude why'd you have to ruin L for me, that's going to be the first thing I think about now the next time I go to trip...fml...and c#
  • 0
    @KidLaser I'd love to think about C# next time I trip, thanks for the idea
  • 1
    Haskell = morphine

    It’s really hard to come by without having a phd, you like to offer it to your customers but that’s because its cool to work with it and not because it’s in their best interest. When building it’s never pure enough and you start over. Everyone thinks your an elitist and so you wish to be a regular crackhead.
  • 3
    PHP = glue

    You started when you were slightly interested in drugs but didn’t had the knowledge or time to do it right. After a few tries it makes you pretty braindead and you lose the will to live. In the evenings you’re defending to fellow drugs abusers that glue is actually a good drug and in fact it’s the best drug ever to be purposed for drugs. While in truth glue is created to copy and paste things for children in kindergarten.
  • 1
    You've made me curious know, guess it's time to learn it @trubesv
  • 0
    @qlasico Enjoy learning MDMA 😅
    Hope you'll Tey some Kotlin aswell.
  • 1
    @AlexDeLarge dude mate from south America, specifically in the surroundings of the Paraná, Paraguay and Uruguay rivers. Here in chile it's drinked a lot in the south, and in argentina it's drinked everywhere. I drink it a lot too. It's fantastic.
  • 0
    Forgot DMT ;)
  • 2
    Bash?
  • 0
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