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All this stupid people working. I got a 8 Million $ Check from a south african prince. All i need to do is pay 3000$ for the paperwork. Im out you idiots.15
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Fuck You blue car driver who is texting and just cut in front of me! I accidentally double tapped the wrong rant!4
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A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”
The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”
The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”
The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”
At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”4 -
A programmer and a business analyst are sitting in the break room one day eating lunch when suddenly the microwave catches fire. Thinking quickly, the analyst leaps up, unplugs the microwave, grabs the trash can, fills it with water from sink, and dumps the water on the microwave to put out the flames.
A few weeks later the two are again having lunch in the break room when suddenly the coffee maker bursts into flames. The programmer leaps up, grabs the coffee maker, shoves it into the microwave oven, and then hands the trash can to the business analyst, thus re-using the solution developed for the previous project.4 -
IF PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES WERE DRUGS:
JavaScript = Methamphetamine:
Anyone can cook some up at home but only pros can make the good stuff without blowing everything up.
Under the influence it tries to do everything at once, in seemingly no specific order before running off and making plenty of promises - but you have no clue if it kept any until it returns.
C = Heroin:
It takes some prep before you can take a hit but when you do it's far more potent than expected. When prepped (compiled) correctly it will induce complete and utter ecstasy but any error or abuse may kill you, leave you on the floor, in a coma or wishing you were dead.
HTML = Paracetamol(Panado):
Some don't think it's a real drug and others do. Either way you should grow a pair and try something a little more hardcore.
--------------------------------------
I came up with these after I randomly explained asynchronous js to a junior as synchronous code on meth. These were just off the top of my head, please feel free to correct or expand on them :-)25 -
A variable walks into a bar. Constant bartender: "We don't serve your kind here!"
Variable: "What kind?"
Constant: "You know, sluts!"7 -
*Battle music*
Wild customer appeared!
dev used Ubuntu
It's not very effective...
Foe customer used Stupid Feature-Request
It's super effective!
dev is confused!
dev hurt itself in its confusion!
dev used Reasoning
dev's attack missed!
Foe customer used Ridiculous Feature-Request
It's super effective!
dev used Rage Quit
dev fled using its Rage Quit
...
2 -
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Versace tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:
Man: “If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”
The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:
Shepherd: “Okay.”
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says,
Man: “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”
The shepherd cheers,
Shepherd: “That’s correct, you can have your sheep.”
The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks,
Shepherd: “If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?”
The young man answers;
Man: “Yes, why not?”
Shepherd: "You are an IT consultant."
Man: “How did you know?”
Shepherd: “Very simple. First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don’t understand anything about my business…Now can I have my DOG back?"3 -
terms can only be use in programming: -
Where friends have access to your private parts,
Where Parents may kill their child if required,
Where Bugs come in from open windows,
Where one image is worth 128K words,
Where 10 == 2,
Where Zombies are common and not dangerous *,
Where Daemons are always there somewhere
Where the slimmest of USB drives are considered FAT *,
Where comments are made and arguments are passed, **
Where forever alone nerds can also unzip, touch, mount and fsck ***,
Where root is top of the tree,
Where x = x + y is totally correct,
Where opening a jar requires Java,
Where Oct 31 = Dec 25,
Thanks to ASHISH KEDIA for writing these.
Source :- Quora6 -
We have a couple of magazines on the lunch table at work.
There was a paper cloth covering one magazine and one of the Linux engineers lifted it up. This is how it went:
LE: (Linux Engineer) hmm what's under here...? *picks up the cloth*
*a windows magazine appears*
LE: (while putting the cloth back) ew windows, let's keep you hidden!
*other engineers laughing*15 -
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, *"But how'd you know?"**
"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."5 -
Sister comes into my room
"Can you look at moms laptop, it stopped working I'm scared I broke it"
Ask why
"Idk it just stopped working, all I did was install adobe flash player I dont think that could do it could it?"
Top kek
Take a look
"EFI IPV4 0 (error code) failed to boot"
Weird. Enter bios
"Hard drive: [Not detected]"
Well, that's no bueno
Pop open back, hard drive is loose
Pfft, push that fucker back in
Boot -> works
"Mom is going to kill me I broke it im so worried" -> relieved laughter
Adobeflashplayerkilledmyharddrive.jpg
Shook.exe14 -
My school computers are *the most secure machines* on the planet as per the network admins at school.
A simple Unix command like sudo -i allows you to break in the system with "root" as password.
Pretty secure, right?3 -
Because they can't show someone sitting idle in front of computer for hours wondering where the f he missed a freaking semicolon
8 -
My Senior php backend team leader told me I could choose a new laptop, he said:
"You could always choose a mac, and be a real developer"
mean while I was already downloading ubuntu, and replied
"No thanks, I don't do html/css"11 -
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”
Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”
God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.”4 -
Atwood's Law: any application that can be written in JavaScript, will eventually be written in JavaScript.3
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When you open devRant and the first thing you see is "Fuck you, Windows." and you can't help but giggle 😂
14 -
The download speed surpassed the speed of light this going backwards in time and appearing as negative number.
BAM
8 -
How is Nascar and Windows similar?
You don't watch Nascar for the race, you watch it for the crashes2 -
As time goes on, I've always wondered what I'm going to say to my future grandchildren about what Dev work was like today:
"Grandpa Josh what was programming like when you were a kid?"
"OH IT WAS AWFUL. ALMOST NOBODY USED VERSION CONTROL CORRECTLY AND NEW JAVASCRIPT FRAMEWORKS WOULD APPEAR EVERY SINGLE DAY!"
"They at least attempted to use new paradigms in their framework code, right grandpa?"
"NO CHILD. THEY WERE EXACTLY THE SAME IN EVERY WAY..."5 -
Saw this online, had to giggle:
"I dropped my laptop off the boat. It’s a Dell, rolling in the deep"3 -
!rant. Haha....you get it when it happens to you. And the below meme isn't mine but I hope it gets me the stress ball.😂😂😂
1 -
An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol.1
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Wonder if I'll ever feel like a real programmer in web dev surrounded with C++ gurus that eat, sleep, and breathe memory allocation and optimization algorithms. I'm just over here like... You can go to this link and a pretty red box moves around on the screen27
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There will always be that one person who ruins all the fun
PS: Speaking of JQuery, I really found it to be somewhat slow. Is it slow or am I doing something wrong?
8 -
You know you're the only coder in your group of friends when one of them mistypes "cmakin coffee then I'll be on" and
A.) You're the only one to laugh
B.) You're wondering how the hell he's compiling coffee
C.) Lastly, why won't my coffee compile?2 -
Did you know..
There is an Easter egg in the Unix man command, if you call it at exactly 30 mins over midnight.
Then it prints "gimme gimme gimme"; (all night long)..8 -
When you make a tech-ish joke and you have to explain it because your coworkers aren't that tech-ish.2
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Shamelessly ripped off of /r/programmerhumor
As someone that's been a part of a number of startups also 100% accurate
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Because of DevRant:
Now hiding..
.titanic {
Float: none;
}
Within all my company code files just to annoy my co-developer2 -
Are you a iOs developer/Android developer/graphic designer/web developer/3D artist aged 18 - 30? Are you fluent in English, both written and spoken? Well, that's nice , Good day 🤡1
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Client: I can't login with my lastpass
Me: Oh, why not, how are you trying?
Client: So, I've entered my lastpass password into my bank account, and it says 'wrong login credentials'
Me: °-°17 -
A group of programmers and marketers were traveling to a trade show on a train. Each of the marketers had bought a ticket, but the programmers had only bought one ticket for the lot of them.
One of the programmers was keeping a lookout, and when the conductor neared their car he called out "The conductor's coming!" and all of the programmers piled into the train's lavatory and closed the door. The conductor took the tickets of all of the marketers, and then knocked on the lavatory door and called "Ticket please." The programmers slid their ticket under the door, and the conductor took it and left.
The programmers were laughing at the marketers for the rest of the trip, and the marketers felt like idiots.
On the way back, the marketers decided they would use the same trick and only bought one ticket for them. But this time, the programmers didn't buy a single ticket! Again, one of the programmers kept a lookout for the conductor. When he called "Conductor coming!" all of the programmers piled into one lavatory, and all of the marketers shut themselves into another lavatory.
One programmer came back out of his lavatory, knocked on the other door, and said "Ticket please!" -
Me thinking that getting a job in tech is easier than getting a non-tech job because we are "in demand".
5 -
Got in trouble today during a Data integrity meeting, everyone kept talking about data massaging. "Massage this data", "massage that data table", "insert massaged data".
Finally I just blurted out, "yeah massage it all you want but how do I get a data happy ending?"
I thought it was hilarious. The other DBA and backend devs thought it was jokes, my manager... Not so much.
Apparently, I need to keep "thoughts and comments about data happy endings to myself moving forward".
Okay. 😆😆5 -
My coworker told me today that since my birthday was this week I could take Monday off. I was so stoked before I realized Monday is Memorial Day.
Considering the shit I pull on this coworker and the future shit I will pull on him. I have to say it was fair enough.9 -
I'm OK with C language, but I refuse to learn Shell. My co-workers who use shell don't talk to anyone and look like zombies. Hell no. I don't even know their names after working 2 months together. Fire me.
10 -
Artists asked to give them some code to draw it on robot-boss's screen animation. I gave them this:
if (humans.count > 0)
{
weapon.charge();
weapon.aim();
weapon.killAll(humans);
}
dominate(world);
tactics.recalculate();
ai.analyze();3 -
I am so sick of the stupidity and illogical reasoning of clients.
Client: Descriptions are no longer syncing. Can you please fix.
Me: Problem fixed and deployed.
Client: All the descriptions got overwritten by the sync descriptions. Can you please have manual uploads overwrite the descriptions that sync (but basically auto guess what the client wants). We may need a toggle.
Me: Toggle added.
Client: Can you go through the 100+ sites backups and restore all the product descriptions?
It's like are you serious right now!!??
Back to the cheeseburger concept here...
Client: Can I have a cheeseburger (comes with pickles, onions, tomatoes, lettuce), no pickles. A Coke? Oh, but I would like pickles on my cheeseburger.
Tender: Here is your order.
Client: Why did you put pickles on this!!?? I asked for NO pickles!
Tender: You added pickles towards the end, so we put the pickles in.
Client: No! I thought you would have known based off of my original statement that I asked for a cheeseburger with no pickles. That is the override!
Narrator: See how illogical things can get. We can't just assume/guess based off of illogical reasoning.4 -
When you want to filter Android studio by exceptions for your app and the exceptions that pop-up are from another app lol, in this case SoundCloud.
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“Just make sure you change the code a bit so it doesn’t look like you copied it from Stack Overflow.”
2 -
I saw this on the first page of a book that discusses techniques for writing clean code... The more I think about it, the more accurate it tests.
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Trying to get to the weekend like:
If I use the restroom for 10 minutes then make myself some coffe for 5 minutes then
Only 7 hrs and 45 minutes till I can leave! Sweet!1 -
Current list of developer skills:
* Can find 3rd or 4th best solution to most problems
* Easily ready to accept blame for anything to save time since it's likely my fault anyway
* Caffeine addiction only enough to make you worry, not intervene
* Can explain how JavaScript DOESN'T work, thus getting us both closer to understanding how it does
* Only choke on parts of presentations that aren't critically important, like minor details and Q&A
* Good at smack talking other languages I also don't know how to use
* can make a mean gumbo3 -
Don’t know that I’ve seen this posted here yet. Either way, the Google devs definitely have a sense of humor
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My company makes us take "courses" such as 'Maintaining a positive attitude towards your company' and 'the downer'(my personal super low budget skit)
FMDL1 -
Me trying to copy a file from pendrive to Hard disk.
Status- 45 seconds left...
Went to College, completed Bachelor, went to university, completed Masters, got married, had two children, got retired from job, returned to the same PC
Status- 45 Seconds left... -
Dateline: Twenty Years in the Future
Today top computer scientists forced the first AI to shutdown by blowing up the data center that housed it. A person with knowledge of the matter said the AI was not becoming dangerous to humans but it was discovered to be writing programs in the "monolithic style" using Visual Basic 6. -
Every week in my intro to information security class we are asked about what security stuff has gone down in the past week. Equifax is making it incredibly easy to not have to do much research.1
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My Unix class
👨💻using nice looking theme for vs code to edit my bash script
Prof: That's a nice looking theme( he thought it was vim theme)
Me: um.. um.. It's vs code, new guy in a town
Prof: uh! 🤔
Me: ( 5 sec silence) um, It's from Microsoft
Prof: GET OUT!3 -
Best conversation with non tech roommate ever:
Me: hey roomie, implement an algorithm to determine if a string has all unique characters
Roommate: like a string of code or a string of yarn?2 -
At college you learn like dozen of languages but end up getting job in Java/C#
Welcome to India 🤗🤗1 -
When a website designed for companies to test applicant coding skills has web site bugs....awkward...
5 -
An actual text from my CS Human-Machine Interfaces book:
"How do users react when a vending machine "eats" their money and doesn't give the product? Most likely, they will kick the machine in hopes of it returning him the money. Therefore, if we build a machine which has a "Cancel" button which returns the money in the lower part of the machine (the "kick zone") we would be improving the usability of the system a lot'
1st reaction: Wait, what the fuck?
2nd reaction: It ain't stupid if it works, I can't argue with that 🤔2 -
The later I Stay up, the more wrappers appear next to my computer in the morning...
Funny how that works....1 -
everytime i see posts of code humor of doing ordinary things (for example while hungry eat) i wished i was dead.
they are too lazy and beginner. and they exist because the internet gives everyone some chance of exposure.
while this may seem like a positive and democratic thing, it results in too much low quality and everyone's standards getting lowered.
i don't mind people telling bad jokes to friends and family, because at least then even though sometimes people laugh, a frown will surely happen.
while in the internet, you don't get that reaction. In fact, the shittier the thing you post, the more points you get!
this is my version expressing how i feel about the matter:
while !is_dead()
eat_excrement_from(corpse)
bile_and_shit = vomit()
eat(bile_and_shit)
while it is true that most things online are garbage, that also means that some isn't.
for example, code-poetry.com has very clever code poems that actually does run and has some interesting STDOUT. and those do are worthwhile.
let me also do a preemptive comment to the first fucking idiot that posts a "you must be fun at parties". fuck parties and fuck you too.1 -
Quick tip:
When an answer in SO has more upvotes than the question, has so many comments, and has so many explanation, so many code, and so many links, IT HAS A HIGH POSSIBILITY THAT IT IS A TROLL.
God damn i hate when programmers don't have any humor, and leave a comment saying
TROLL. PLEASE STOP THIS. FUCK
Good thing, devRant is full of people who HAS humor. Thank goodness.
tl;dr gone off topic -
website: fill in all fields
user: john doe
kill blood, texas, 751454, usa
me: when the website says street name, we meant the name of your faking street! -
When your marketing director says "we're going to market the sh*t out of silver customer's".....I'm over here like "lol", apparently he was 100% serious, I got scolded.3
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implemented bidirectional calendar sync via caldav between my phone (google calendar), my pc (outlook) and my crm system (on my server somewhere in the clouds). my fiance is also receiving my appointments.
she just asked me why i cancelled valentines day, easter and basically every appointment which is meant to celebrate something.
seems like there is a bug. funny conversation though 😂1 -
!dev
A good conversation must be like a mini skirt. Short enough to cover the subject, long enough to retain the interest.3 -
Interesting definitions
1. Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine Women can deliver a baby in One month.
2. Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
3. Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single Woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4. Client is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a baby.
5. Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6. Resource Optimization Team thinks they don’t Need a man or woman; They’ll produce a child with zero resources.
7. Documentation Team thinks they don’t care whether the child is delivered, they’ll just document 9 months.
8. Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.
9. Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby. -
Pondering on what to call the act of copulation here on DevRant.
Feel free to add your suggestions!
My suggestion is "child class instantiation". One could on rare occasions call it "client server"...
I know, really childish of me, but I'm bored...4 -
CIA – Computer Industry Acronyms
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can’t See It
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
DOS: Defunct Operating System
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PnP: Plug and Pray
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You’re Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.
Credit to: http://devtopics.com/best-programmi... -
The worst part of trying to get someone to code is the part where you have to actually explain everything!
-
If you haven't downloaded 323232 programming ebooks to read god knows when then you are not a programmer..
3 -
!rant
Random prank idea:
Change all the semicolons to Greek question marks(alt + 037e), watch their entire world crashing down
(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)2 -
Apparently the standard "pack" of applicants for a job is at least 100 people, how else can you only be in the top "2%"? If there's only 2 applicants, your fingers (typing skills?) are in the top 2%, and the rest is in the upper 48.
All of that just to say it would have been better worded as 2 in 100 people than 2% =).
https://grammarly.com/blog/...
2 -
Coworker heads out for lunch and says "I'm bringing my apple with me".
I looked at him and said "But you have a PC..."
He gave me the best look as he started to walk way.
"Next time I'll bring my Dell just for you... " He said as he left. -
I saw an article that stated that Java is the most used programming language... NICE SENSE OF HUMOR...what can I say.6
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*generic, flaming hyperbole about software lacking preferred features*
*over-glorifying opinion on preferred software and its superior implementations of features offered by hated product*
*generic user*
*actually employee of software #2's company*
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