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All this stupid people working. I got a 8 Million $ Check from a south african prince. All i need to do is pay 3000$ for the paperwork. Im out you idiots.15
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Fuck You blue car driver who is texting and just cut in front of me! I accidentally double tapped the wrong rant!4
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A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”
The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”
The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”
The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”
At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”4 -
A programmer and a business analyst are sitting in the break room one day eating lunch when suddenly the microwave catches fire. Thinking quickly, the analyst leaps up, unplugs the microwave, grabs the trash can, fills it with water from sink, and dumps the water on the microwave to put out the flames.
A few weeks later the two are again having lunch in the break room when suddenly the coffee maker bursts into flames. The programmer leaps up, grabs the coffee maker, shoves it into the microwave oven, and then hands the trash can to the business analyst, thus re-using the solution developed for the previous project.4 -
IF PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES WERE DRUGS:
JavaScript = Methamphetamine:
Anyone can cook some up at home but only pros can make the good stuff without blowing everything up.
Under the influence it tries to do everything at once, in seemingly no specific order before running off and making plenty of promises - but you have no clue if it kept any until it returns.
C = Heroin:
It takes some prep before you can take a hit but when you do it's far more potent than expected. When prepped (compiled) correctly it will induce complete and utter ecstasy but any error or abuse may kill you, leave you on the floor, in a coma or wishing you were dead.
HTML = Paracetamol(Panado):
Some don't think it's a real drug and others do. Either way you should grow a pair and try something a little more hardcore.
--------------------------------------
I came up with these after I randomly explained asynchronous js to a junior as synchronous code on meth. These were just off the top of my head, please feel free to correct or expand on them :-)31 -
*Battle music*
Wild customer appeared!
dev used Ubuntu
It's not very effective...
Foe customer used Stupid Feature-Request
It's super effective!
dev is confused!
dev hurt itself in its confusion!
dev used Reasoning
dev's attack missed!
Foe customer used Ridiculous Feature-Request
It's super effective!
dev used Rage Quit
dev fled using its Rage Quit
...
2 -
A variable walks into a bar. Constant bartender: "We don't serve your kind here!"
Variable: "What kind?"
Constant: "You know, sluts!"7 -
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Versace tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:
Man: “If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”
The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:
Shepherd: “Okay.”
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says,
Man: “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”
The shepherd cheers,
Shepherd: “That’s correct, you can have your sheep.”
The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks,
Shepherd: “If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?”
The young man answers;
Man: “Yes, why not?”
Shepherd: "You are an IT consultant."
Man: “How did you know?”
Shepherd: “Very simple. First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don’t understand anything about my business…Now can I have my DOG back?"3 -
terms can only be use in programming: -
Where friends have access to your private parts,
Where Parents may kill their child if required,
Where Bugs come in from open windows,
Where one image is worth 128K words,
Where 10 == 2,
Where Zombies are common and not dangerous *,
Where Daemons are always there somewhere
Where the slimmest of USB drives are considered FAT *,
Where comments are made and arguments are passed, **
Where forever alone nerds can also unzip, touch, mount and fsck ***,
Where root is top of the tree,
Where x = x + y is totally correct,
Where opening a jar requires Java,
Where Oct 31 = Dec 25,
Thanks to ASHISH KEDIA for writing these.
Source :- Quora7 -
We have a couple of magazines on the lunch table at work.
There was a paper cloth covering one magazine and one of the Linux engineers lifted it up. This is how it went:
LE: (Linux Engineer) hmm what's under here...? *picks up the cloth*
*a windows magazine appears*
LE: (while putting the cloth back) ew windows, let's keep you hidden!
*other engineers laughing*15 -
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, *"But how'd you know?"**
"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."6 -
Sister comes into my room
"Can you look at moms laptop, it stopped working I'm scared I broke it"
Ask why
"Idk it just stopped working, all I did was install adobe flash player I dont think that could do it could it?"
Top kek
Take a look
"EFI IPV4 0 (error code) failed to boot"
Weird. Enter bios
"Hard drive: [Not detected]"
Well, that's no bueno
Pop open back, hard drive is loose
Pfft, push that fucker back in
Boot -> works
"Mom is going to kill me I broke it im so worried" -> relieved laughter
Adobeflashplayerkilledmyharddrive.jpg
Shook.exe15 -
So we had this girl working with us as a graphic designer, she has a great sense of humor and pretty much impossible to piss her off
So April 1st is considered "a fool's day" here, on March 31 i sent an official looking email to everyone ( minus the seniors ) in our office saying how she's kinda shy about having her birthday on April 1st and everyone should wish her so she wouldn't feel awkward about it
Needless to say her actual birthday is not in April
So when she came to office on 1st, everyone started wishing her and singing Happy Birthday, she spent whole day explaining to everyone that came to wish
It was awkward as hell and pretty hilarious 😂😂10 -
My school computers are *the most secure machines* on the planet as per the network admins at school.
A simple Unix command like sudo -i allows you to break in the system with "root" as password.
Pretty secure, right?3 -
Facebook employees need to work on their sense of humor -.-
Found it in React Native docs (https://facebook.github.io/react-na...)
8 -
My Senior php backend team leader told me I could choose a new laptop, he said:
"You could always choose a mac, and be a real developer"
mean while I was already downloading ubuntu, and replied
"No thanks, I don't do html/css"11 -
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”
Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”
God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.”4 -
Because they can't show someone sitting idle in front of computer for hours wondering where the f he missed a freaking semicolon
8 -
Atwood's Law: any application that can be written in JavaScript, will eventually be written in JavaScript.3
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When you open devRant and the first thing you see is "Fuck you, Windows." and you can't help but giggle 😂
15 -
Last teacher rant from me and this one is about: my mentor.
Let's call him Bob.
He was a person who'd always be ready to help you out, did some lessons on bullying and the effects of it, stood by me many times when I'd have hard times with something I'd trouble and one of the most important things, he had a very good sense of humor!
Also, since I always wore a suit (still do), he introduced 'FaF' day, aka, Fancy as Fuck day. Every Wednesday the guys who wanted to would come in suits.
Yup, he got me through loads of stuff, miss that guy :)7 -
The download speed surpassed the speed of light this going backwards in time and appearing as negative number.
BAM
9 -
and they say programmers don't have a sense of humor. the company said to buy some motivational posters for the meeting room. this is what we came up with.
4 -
How is Nascar and Windows similar?
You don't watch Nascar for the race, you watch it for the crashes2 -
As time goes on, I've always wondered what I'm going to say to my future grandchildren about what Dev work was like today:
"Grandpa Josh what was programming like when you were a kid?"
"OH IT WAS AWFUL. ALMOST NOBODY USED VERSION CONTROL CORRECTLY AND NEW JAVASCRIPT FRAMEWORKS WOULD APPEAR EVERY SINGLE DAY!"
"They at least attempted to use new paradigms in their framework code, right grandpa?"
"NO CHILD. THEY WERE EXACTLY THE SAME IN EVERY WAY..."5 -
Saw this online, had to giggle:
"I dropped my laptop off the boat. It’s a Dell, rolling in the deep"4 -
!rant. Haha....you get it when it happens to you. And the below meme isn't mine but I hope it gets me the stress ball.😂😂😂
1 -
An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol.1
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Wonder if I'll ever feel like a real programmer in web dev surrounded with C++ gurus that eat, sleep, and breathe memory allocation and optimization algorithms. I'm just over here like... You can go to this link and a pretty red box moves around on the screen27
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There will always be that one person who ruins all the fun
PS: Speaking of JQuery, I really found it to be somewhat slow. Is it slow or am I doing something wrong?
9 -
This is my debugging pal.
He gobbles em all up.
No, really, he is. This isnt just for the practical humor. Hes actually my debug pet thing.
9 -
Found out that my physics teacher uses duckduckgo.
I already liked him because he has one of the nicest personality off all teachers I met( and he has a good humor too)
But now I like him even more.4 -
Life is mostly about waiting.
Waiting for code to compile.
Waiting for payment confirmation.
Waiting for food.
Waiting for gas to fill up tank.
Waiting for lights to go green.
Waiting for beer.
Waiting for waiter.
Waiting for call.
Waiting for school to finish or start.
Waiting for exam.
Waiting for job.
Waiting for application to start.
Waiting inside prison.
Waiting inside workplace.
Waiting for summer or winter.
Waiting for movie to start.
Waiting for girl to dress up.
Waiting for birthday.
Waiting for birth.
Waiting for death.
Fucking timers everywhere.
Someone got big sense of humor when developing this world.8 -
Did you know..
There is an Easter egg in the Unix man command, if you call it at exactly 30 mins over midnight.
Then it prints "gimme gimme gimme"; (all night long)..8 -
You know you're the only coder in your group of friends when one of them mistypes "cmakin coffee then I'll be on" and
A.) You're the only one to laugh
B.) You're wondering how the hell he's compiling coffee
C.) Lastly, why won't my coffee compile?2 -
Shamelessly ripped off of /r/programmerhumor
As someone that's been a part of a number of startups also 100% accurate
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When you make a tech-ish joke and you have to explain it because your coworkers aren't that tech-ish.2
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Are you a iOs developer/Android developer/graphic designer/web developer/3D artist aged 18 - 30? Are you fluent in English, both written and spoken? Well, that's nice , Good day 🤡2
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Because of DevRant:
Now hiding..
.titanic {
Float: none;
}
Within all my company code files just to annoy my co-developer2 -
A group of programmers and marketers were traveling to a trade show on a train. Each of the marketers had bought a ticket, but the programmers had only bought one ticket for the lot of them.
One of the programmers was keeping a lookout, and when the conductor neared their car he called out "The conductor's coming!" and all of the programmers piled into the train's lavatory and closed the door. The conductor took the tickets of all of the marketers, and then knocked on the lavatory door and called "Ticket please." The programmers slid their ticket under the door, and the conductor took it and left.
The programmers were laughing at the marketers for the rest of the trip, and the marketers felt like idiots.
On the way back, the marketers decided they would use the same trick and only bought one ticket for them. But this time, the programmers didn't buy a single ticket! Again, one of the programmers kept a lookout for the conductor. When he called "Conductor coming!" all of the programmers piled into one lavatory, and all of the marketers shut themselves into another lavatory.
One programmer came back out of his lavatory, knocked on the other door, and said "Ticket please!" -
I'm OK with C language, but I refuse to learn Shell. My co-workers who use shell don't talk to anyone and look like zombies. Hell no. I don't even know their names after working 2 months together. Fire me.
12 -
!rant
I damn love devs. The humor, the devs easter eggs...
Have you ever wondered what 'git' stands for?
try 'man git' ;)5 -
When you want to filter Android studio by exceptions for your app and the exceptions that pop-up are from another app lol, in this case SoundCloud.
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Artists asked to give them some code to draw it on robot-boss's screen animation. I gave them this:
if (humans.count > 0)
{
weapon.charge();
weapon.aim();
weapon.killAll(humans);
}
dominate(world);
tactics.recalculate();
ai.analyze();5 -
“Just make sure you change the code a bit so it doesn’t look like you copied it from Stack Overflow.”
2 -
I saw this on the first page of a book that discusses techniques for writing clean code... The more I think about it, the more accurate it tests.
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I think I should start mentioning my devrant id in my resume.
Just a thought, my points will prove that atleast I have good sense of humor :D2 -
Trying to get to the weekend like:
If I use the restroom for 10 minutes then make myself some coffe for 5 minutes then
Only 7 hrs and 45 minutes till I can leave! Sweet!1 -
Current list of developer skills:
* Can find 3rd or 4th best solution to most problems
* Easily ready to accept blame for anything to save time since it's likely my fault anyway
* Caffeine addiction only enough to make you worry, not intervene
* Can explain how JavaScript DOESN'T work, thus getting us both closer to understanding how it does
* Only choke on parts of presentations that aren't critically important, like minor details and Q&A
* Good at smack talking other languages I also don't know how to use
* can make a mean gumbo3 -
Don’t know that I’ve seen this posted here yet. Either way, the Google devs definitely have a sense of humor
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My company makes us take "courses" such as 'Maintaining a positive attitude towards your company' and 'the downer'(my personal super low budget skit)
FMDL2 -
!rant
I just wanted to share my excitement! I'm going to start my first job in tech in about a week! I am going to be a QA Scripter and I'm only nineteen! Please find this attached gif with great humor in reference to how I feel right now
3 -
"Ha you commented your code that nobody is going to read! That's funny dude good humor!"
If good coding practice is funny then I'm in good standing.3 -
So I just realized we submitted an Android assignment containing a notification with a bunch of swear words ! The submission closed a week ago...
Here's to hoping they have a good sense of humor!..
*Awkward laugh and smile*1 -
Our boss doesn't have a great sense of humor so doing any prank whatsoever could easily cost my job1
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Dateline: Twenty Years in the Future
Today top computer scientists forced the first AI to shutdown by blowing up the data center that housed it. A person with knowledge of the matter said the AI was not becoming dangerous to humans but it was discovered to be writing programs in the "monolithic style" using Visual Basic 6. -
Every week in my intro to information security class we are asked about what security stuff has gone down in the past week. Equifax is making it incredibly easy to not have to do much research.1
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Me trying to copy a file from pendrive to Hard disk.
Status- 45 seconds left...
Went to College, completed Bachelor, went to university, completed Masters, got married, had two children, got retired from job, returned to the same PC
Status- 45 Seconds left... -
My Unix class
👨💻using nice looking theme for vs code to edit my bash script
Prof: That's a nice looking theme( he thought it was vim theme)
Me: um.. um.. It's vs code, new guy in a town
Prof: uh! 🤔
Me: ( 5 sec silence) um, It's from Microsoft
Prof: GET OUT!3 -
You can tell a lot about a person solely by their writings, including style and topic tendencies. You can also learn about a person from their sense of humor. So when you combine a strong yet creative writing style with a sarcastic sense of humor intended to mock the stereotype of the person's own generation and themselves _and_ allow emoji to be used...
You get the most Millennial thing I have ever written. I'm a tad surprised I even came up with this monstrosity.
30 -
Best conversation with non tech roommate ever:
Me: hey roomie, implement an algorithm to determine if a string has all unique characters
Roommate: like a string of code or a string of yarn?2 -
Found my dream girl. Programmer, smart, good sense of humor, knows Python, but nothing can happen. Boyfriend of 7 years and thinks I don't like her. :D How did I deserved this?12
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At college you learn like dozen of languages but end up getting job in Java/C#
Welcome to India 🤗🤗1 -
An actual text from my CS Human-Machine Interfaces book:
"How do users react when a vending machine "eats" their money and doesn't give the product? Most likely, they will kick the machine in hopes of it returning him the money. Therefore, if we build a machine which has a "Cancel" button which returns the money in the lower part of the machine (the "kick zone") we would be improving the usability of the system a lot'
1st reaction: Wait, what the fuck?
2nd reaction: It ain't stupid if it works, I can't argue with that 🤔2 -
When a website designed for companies to test applicant coding skills has web site bugs....awkward...
5 -
When you realize your tears of laughter on DevRant suddenly remind you of how the character Moss on IT Crowd might have felt trying to explain his humor to others.
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Finally joined the supporter program. This app has been an amazing way to vent frustrations, get some dev related humor, and see what other devs are up to so I couldn't be happier to pledge my $2 a month. Thanks for an amazing app @dfox and @trogus!1
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👏LEAVE👏ME👏THE👏FUCK👏ALONE👏YOU👏GAY👏FUCKING👏ROOMMATE👏
I was over you from the second you came in my room uninvited and sprayed both me and everything else in here with perfume.
Take your 3rd grade humor somewhere else.
(Yes this is a part 2 to yesterday's rant, but this shit just keeps triggering me more. Send help.)6 -
I’m convinced that CSS is black magic and those that can visualize what it’s going to do before changing code are witches/warlocks.
Usually my attempts end up in humor as the website ends up /comically/ broken. Elements shifted around to not anywhere near they belong, drop downs appearing from completely nonsensical places...
No idea how you all do it.4 -
The later I Stay up, the more wrappers appear next to my computer in the morning...
Funny how that works....1 -
I found this funny, or my dev-humor is just really bad :>
Friend: Ugh
Friend: Java and BlueJ.
Friend: Why you indicate relationships between classes that have no relationships.
Friend: Fu BueJ
Me: It's called a crush :wink:
Me: *badum-tssss*
Precision: As in having a crush on a person, but no relationship :)1 -
Went to boarding school in England and our physics/maths teacher was a Cambridge graduate. Real bad sense of humor, probably took a bath once a month and wore the same suit all year. Skinny, glasses, clean shaven and ate Marmite and boiled eggs every day. Poster child for nerd world but boy did this guy help advance my math skills and love for physics.8
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When I was new developer and accidentally did testing of an important internal business app on what I thought was dev but was actually production... and of course has entered some crude humor as data because it was "dev".1
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Quick tip:
When an answer in SO has more upvotes than the question, has so many comments, and has so many explanation, so many code, and so many links, IT HAS A HIGH POSSIBILITY THAT IT IS A TROLL.
God damn i hate when programmers don't have any humor, and leave a comment saying
TROLL. PLEASE STOP THIS. FUCK
Good thing, devRant is full of people who HAS humor. Thank goodness.
tl;dr gone off topic -
website: fill in all fields
user: john doe
kill blood, texas, 751454, usa
me: when the website says street name, we meant the name of your faking street! -
So, we have 1 humor left today to fix this and tomorrow morning the Taitaja competition starts and we need this and 3 other servers with same issue working. Well fuck
Windows also says that the Drive where windows is installed is locked, please unlock the drive
12 -
I met @miau in England at University, through the only course we shared, Games for the Internet. I really wanted to be her friend because I thought she was pretty cool.
@miau looks incredibly confident. She has humor, imagination and is a really talented programmer.
She, on the other hand, did not want to have anything to do with other German-speaking students to improve her English skills and learn as much about England as possible.
Fortunately, I can be very stubborn. I helped her with her programming tasks whenever she let me and told her what our professor values. A few tests and beers later we were friends.3 -
When your marketing director says "we're going to market the sh*t out of silver customer's".....I'm over here like "lol", apparently he was 100% serious, I got scolded.3
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Pondering on what to call the act of copulation here on DevRant.
Feel free to add your suggestions!
My suggestion is "child class instantiation". One could on rare occasions call it "client server"...
I know, really childish of me, but I'm bored...4 -
Love this kind of humor, coworkers output into a log on errors begins with "Found Unidentified Critical Keyerror". Took a while before I noticed the genius message in this error! My colleague deserves a cookie!1
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Theatre performer, comedian (with a partner because my humor only works that way), possible motivational speaker, maybe a teacher of some sort. I'm already good at these things. 😁
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Interesting definitions
1. Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine Women can deliver a baby in One month.
2. Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
3. Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single Woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4. Client is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a baby.
5. Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6. Resource Optimization Team thinks they don’t Need a man or woman; They’ll produce a child with zero resources.
7. Documentation Team thinks they don’t care whether the child is delivered, they’ll just document 9 months.
8. Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.
9. Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby. -
!rant
Started writing a book. A book of humor based on my observations of people, society, and technology. And I observe a lot, so there's no shortage of material.3 -
The ability to have the perfect rick accent and all his humor + a new episode of rick and morty whenever I want2
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!rant
I enjoy reading articles on sudosatirical.com. Good chuckles to be had, but new content is kinda sporadic. Are there some other good resources of programming/computing humor out there in a similar duffel-blog esque format that you'd reccomend?2 -
The worst part of trying to get someone to code is the part where you have to actually explain everything!
-
!rant
Random prank idea:
Change all the semicolons to Greek question marks(alt + 037e), watch their entire world crashing down
(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)2 -
Apparently the standard "pack" of applicants for a job is at least 100 people, how else can you only be in the top "2%"? If there's only 2 applicants, your fingers (typing skills?) are in the top 2%, and the rest is in the upper 48.
All of that just to say it would have been better worded as 2 in 100 people than 2% =).
https://grammarly.com/blog/...
3 -
I saw an article that stated that Java is the most used programming language... NICE SENSE OF HUMOR...what can I say.7
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*generic, flaming hyperbole about software lacking preferred features*
*over-glorifying opinion on preferred software and its superior implementations of features offered by hated product*
*generic user*
*actually employee of software #2's company*
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