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All this stupid people working. I got a 8 Million $ Check from a south african prince. All i need to do is pay 3000$ for the paperwork. Im out you idiots.13
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Fuck You blue car driver who is texting and just cut in front of me! I accidentally double tapped the wrong rant!4
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IF PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES WERE DRUGS:
JavaScript = Methamphetamine:
Anyone can cook some up at home but only pros can make the good stuff without blowing everything up.
Under the influence it tries to do everything at once, in seemingly no specific order before running off and making plenty of promises - but you have no clue if it kept any until it returns.
C = Heroin:
It takes some prep before you can take a hit but when you do it's far more potent than expected. When prepped (compiled) correctly it will induce complete and utter ecstasy but any error or abuse may kill you, leave you on the floor, in a coma or wishing you were dead.
HTML = Paracetamol(Panado):
Some don't think it's a real drug and others do. Either way you should grow a pair and try something a little more hardcore.
--------------------------------------
I came up with these after I randomly explained asynchronous js to a junior as synchronous code on meth. These were just off the top of my head, please feel free to correct or expand on them :-)24 -
A variable walks into a bar. Constant bartender: "We don't serve your kind here!"
Variable: "What kind?"
Constant: "You know, sluts!"7 -
terms can only be use in programming: -
Where friends have access to your private parts,
Where Parents may kill their child if required,
Where Bugs come in from open windows,
Where one image is worth 128K words,
Where 10 == 2,
Where Zombies are common and not dangerous *,
Where Daemons are always there somewhere
Where the slimmest of USB drives are considered FAT *,
Where comments are made and arguments are passed, **
Where forever alone nerds can also unzip, touch, mount and fsck ***,
Where root is top of the tree,
Where x = x + y is totally correct,
Where opening a jar requires Java,
Where Oct 31 = Dec 25,
Thanks to ASHISH KEDIA for writing these.
Source :- Quora4 -
We have a couple of magazines on the lunch table at work.
There was a paper cloth covering one magazine and one of the Linux engineers lifted it up. This is how it went:
LE: (Linux Engineer) hmm what's under here...? *picks up the cloth*
*a windows magazine appears*
LE: (while putting the cloth back) ew windows, let's keep you hidden!
*other engineers laughing*15 -
Sister comes into my room
"Can you look at moms laptop, it stopped working I'm scared I broke it"
Ask why
"Idk it just stopped working, all I did was install adobe flash player I dont think that could do it could it?"
Top kek
Take a look
"EFI IPV4 0 (error code) failed to boot"
Weird. Enter bios
"Hard drive: [Not detected]"
Well, that's no bueno
Pop open back, hard drive is loose
Pfft, push that fucker back in
Boot -> works
"Mom is going to kill me I broke it im so worried" -> relieved laughter
Adobeflashplayerkilledmyharddrive.jpg
Shook.exe14 -
My school computers are *the most secure machines* on the planet as per the network admins at school.
A simple Unix command like sudo -i allows you to break in the system with "root" as password.
Pretty secure, right?3 -
It happened again.
This time my colleague, is abbreviating "cumulative" as "cum" in a variable name, and now I have to control my 6th grade humor...22 -
Facebook employees need to work on their sense of humor -.-
Found it in React Native docs (https://facebook.github.io/react-na...)
7 -
Because they can't show someone sitting idle in front of computer for hours wondering where the f he missed a freaking semicolon
8 -
My Senior php backend team leader told me I could choose a new laptop, he said:
"You could always choose a mac, and be a real developer"
mean while I was already downloading ubuntu, and replied
"No thanks, I don't do html/css"9 -
Atwood's Law: any application that can be written in JavaScript, will eventually be written in JavaScript.3
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The download speed surpassed the speed of light this going backwards in time and appearing as negative number.
BAM
8 -
How is Nascar and Windows similar?
You don't watch Nascar for the race, you watch it for the crashes2 -
and they say programmers don't have a sense of humor. the company said to buy some motivational posters for the meeting room. this is what we came up with.
4 -
There have been so many low quality posts lately, ugh. They’re almost all poor attempts at humor in a pathetic grab for internet points, and many showcase a distinct lack of understanding.
Where are the rants?
Where is the competence?
Where is the anger?
Where is the rage?
... Where is the effort?30 -
An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol.1
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!rant. Haha....you get it when it happens to you. And the below meme isn't mine but I hope it gets me the stress ball.😂😂😂
1 -
Wonder if I'll ever feel like a real programmer in web dev surrounded with C++ gurus that eat, sleep, and breathe memory allocation and optimization algorithms. I'm just over here like... You can go to this link and a pretty red box moves around on the screen27
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Divorced Ruby (only thing she has is her beauty)
Married Java(powerful but hard to cope up with)
In love with Python (Powerful and beautiful)
Have a crush on Kotlin (She is something else, sadly she is Java's friend)
In an Affair with C# (Like java but easier to deal with)
😂😂
#Love gone wrong 😝
(Just a joke try to see the humor in it. Don't get offended 😂. Thank you. )10 -
There will always be that one person who ruins all the fun
PS: Speaking of JQuery, I really found it to be somewhat slow. Is it slow or am I doing something wrong?
8 -
This is my debugging pal.
He gobbles em all up.
No, really, he is. This isnt just for the practical humor. Hes actually my debug pet thing.
9 -
You know you're the only coder in your group of friends when one of them mistypes "cmakin coffee then I'll be on" and
A.) You're the only one to laugh
B.) You're wondering how the hell he's compiling coffee
C.) Lastly, why won't my coffee compile?2 -
When you make a tech-ish joke and you have to explain it because your coworkers aren't that tech-ish.2
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Did you know..
There is an Easter egg in the Unix man command, if you call it at exactly 30 mins over midnight.
Then it prints "gimme gimme gimme"; (all night long)..8 -
Because of DevRant:
Now hiding..
.titanic {
Float: none;
}
Within all my company code files just to annoy my co-developer2 -
Found out that my physics teacher uses duckduckgo.
I already liked him because he has one of the nicest personality off all teachers I met( and he has a good humor too)
But now I like him even more.3 -
Shamelessly ripped off of /r/programmerhumor
As someone that's been a part of a number of startups also 100% accurate
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A group of programmers and marketers were traveling to a trade show on a train. Each of the marketers had bought a ticket, but the programmers had only bought one ticket for the lot of them.
One of the programmers was keeping a lookout, and when the conductor neared their car he called out "The conductor's coming!" and all of the programmers piled into the train's lavatory and closed the door. The conductor took the tickets of all of the marketers, and then knocked on the lavatory door and called "Ticket please." The programmers slid their ticket under the door, and the conductor took it and left.
The programmers were laughing at the marketers for the rest of the trip, and the marketers felt like idiots.
On the way back, the marketers decided they would use the same trick and only bought one ticket for them. But this time, the programmers didn't buy a single ticket! Again, one of the programmers kept a lookout for the conductor. When he called "Conductor coming!" all of the programmers piled into one lavatory, and all of the marketers shut themselves into another lavatory.
One programmer came back out of his lavatory, knocked on the other door, and said "Ticket please!" -
German auto correct in Apple Mail.
Instead of writing a customer this:
"Dear xxx, I finished your paginator."
I wrote and send this:
"Dear xxx, I finished your pakistani."
He wondered but took it with humor :)2 -
Got in trouble today during a Data integrity meeting, everyone kept talking about data massaging. "Massage this data", "massage that data table", "insert massaged data".
Finally I just blurted out, "yeah massage it all you want but how do I get a data happy ending?"
I thought it was hilarious. The other DBA and backend devs thought it was jokes, my manager... Not so much.
Apparently, I need to keep "thoughts and comments about data happy endings to myself moving forward".
Okay. 😆😆5 -
Artists asked to give them some code to draw it on robot-boss's screen animation. I gave them this:
if (humans.count > 0)
{
weapon.charge();
weapon.aim();
weapon.killAll(humans);
}
dominate(world);
tactics.recalculate();
ai.analyze();3 -
I am so sick of the stupidity and illogical reasoning of clients.
Client: Descriptions are no longer syncing. Can you please fix.
Me: Problem fixed and deployed.
Client: All the descriptions got overwritten by the sync descriptions. Can you please have manual uploads overwrite the descriptions that sync (but basically auto guess what the client wants). We may need a toggle.
Me: Toggle added.
Client: Can you go through the 100+ sites backups and restore all the product descriptions?
It's like are you serious right now!!??
Back to the cheeseburger concept here...
Client: Can I have a cheeseburger (comes with pickles, onions, tomatoes, lettuce), no pickles. A Coke? Oh, but I would like pickles on my cheeseburger.
Tender: Here is your order.
Client: Why did you put pickles on this!!?? I asked for NO pickles!
Tender: You added pickles towards the end, so we put the pickles in.
Client: No! I thought you would have known based off of my original statement that I asked for a cheeseburger with no pickles. That is the override!
Narrator: See how illogical things can get. We can't just assume/guess based off of illogical reasoning.3 -
!rant
I damn love devs. The humor, the devs easter eggs...
Have you ever wondered what 'git' stands for?
try 'man git' ;)4 -
I saw this on the first page of a book that discusses techniques for writing clean code... The more I think about it, the more accurate it tests.
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Trying to get to the weekend like:
If I use the restroom for 10 minutes then make myself some coffe for 5 minutes then
Only 7 hrs and 45 minutes till I can leave! Sweet!1 -
I think I should start mentioning my devrant id in my resume.
Just a thought, my points will prove that atleast I have good sense of humor :D2 -
When you want to filter Android studio by exceptions for your app and the exceptions that pop-up are from another app lol, in this case SoundCloud.
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Came across this gem. Thought more people ought to see it. 😂 Guess no one in that repo had a sense of humor.
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Current list of developer skills:
* Can find 3rd or 4th best solution to most problems
* Easily ready to accept blame for anything to save time since it's likely my fault anyway
* Caffeine addiction only enough to make you worry, not intervene
* Can explain how JavaScript DOESN'T work, thus getting us both closer to understanding how it does
* Only choke on parts of presentations that aren't critically important, like minor details and Q&A
* Good at smack talking other languages I also don't know how to use
* can make a mean gumbo3 -
Don’t know that I’ve seen this posted here yet. Either way, the Google devs definitely have a sense of humor
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My company makes us take "courses" such as 'Maintaining a positive attitude towards your company' and 'the downer'(my personal super low budget skit)
FMDL1 -
I think joke section is a joke itself. If I want to see cringy jokes, I would google image search “developer humor”.3
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!rant
I just wanted to share my excitement! I'm going to start my first job in tech in about a week! I am going to be a QA Scripter and I'm only nineteen! Please find this attached gif with great humor in reference to how I feel right now
3 -
Our boss doesn't have a great sense of humor so doing any prank whatsoever could easily cost my job1
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So I just realized we submitted an Android assignment containing a notification with a bunch of swear words ! The submission closed a week ago...
Here's to hoping they have a good sense of humor!..
*Awkward laugh and smile* -
Me trying to copy a file from pendrive to Hard disk.
Status- 45 seconds left...
Went to College, completed Bachelor, went to university, completed Masters, got married, had two children, got retired from job, returned to the same PC
Status- 45 Seconds left... -
Every week in my intro to information security class we are asked about what security stuff has gone down in the past week. Equifax is making it incredibly easy to not have to do much research.1
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"Ha you commented your code that nobody is going to read! That's funny dude good humor!"
If good coding practice is funny then I'm in good standing.3 -
Dateline: Twenty Years in the Future
Today top computer scientists forced the first AI to shutdown by blowing up the data center that housed it. A person with knowledge of the matter said the AI was not becoming dangerous to humans but it was discovered to be writing programs in the "monolithic style" using Visual Basic 6. -
My Unix class
👨💻using nice looking theme for vs code to edit my bash script
Prof: That's a nice looking theme( he thought it was vim theme)
Me: um.. um.. It's vs code, new guy in a town
Prof: uh! 🤔
Me: ( 5 sec silence) um, It's from Microsoft
Prof: GET OUT!3 -
Ken Thompson. Zero ambition but incredible achievements. Bottom up programmer, no bullshit, and a great sense of humor.
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Found my dream girl. Programmer, smart, good sense of humor, knows Python, but nothing can happen. Boyfriend of 7 years and thinks I don't like her. :D How did I deserved this?11
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I found this funny, or my dev-humor is just really bad :>
Friend: Ugh
Friend: Java and BlueJ.
Friend: Why you indicate relationships between classes that have no relationships.
Friend: Fu BueJ
Me: It's called a crush :wink:
Me: *badum-tssss*
Precision: As in having a crush on a person, but no relationship :)1 -
Best conversation with non tech roommate ever:
Me: hey roomie, implement an algorithm to determine if a string has all unique characters
Roommate: like a string of code or a string of yarn?2 -
I’m convinced that CSS is black magic and those that can visualize what it’s going to do before changing code are witches/warlocks.
Usually my attempts end up in humor as the website ends up /comically/ broken. Elements shifted around to not anywhere near they belong, drop downs appearing from completely nonsensical places...
No idea how you all do it.2 -
When you realize your tears of laughter on DevRant suddenly remind you of how the character Moss on IT Crowd might have felt trying to explain his humor to others.
-
When a website designed for companies to test applicant coding skills has web site bugs....awkward...
5 -
I hate applying for a job online. For some reason it just doesn't work out for me. I have a lot of humor but today my interviewer asked me if i was insecure doing that. I'm like "No, my whole family is like this".
But that's beside the point. Every company thinks they're so special. Well, some do have special benefits. But after a few times turned down my ego starts to break.
I'm so done with this new type of interviewing8 -
"The Marketplace has extensions that can help with '.disable' files"
Humor me VSCode Marketplace... what fucking extension do you recommend for my '.disable' file today?6 -
Finally joined the supporter program. This app has been an amazing way to vent frustrations, get some dev related humor, and see what other devs are up to so I couldn't be happier to pledge my $2 a month. Thanks for an amazing app @dfox and @trogus!1
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At college you learn like dozen of languages but end up getting job in Java/C#
Welcome to India 🤗🤗1 -
An actual text from my CS Human-Machine Interfaces book:
"How do users react when a vending machine "eats" their money and doesn't give the product? Most likely, they will kick the machine in hopes of it returning him the money. Therefore, if we build a machine which has a "Cancel" button which returns the money in the lower part of the machine (the "kick zone") we would be improving the usability of the system a lot'
1st reaction: Wait, what the fuck?
2nd reaction: It ain't stupid if it works, I can't argue with that 🤔2 -
Quick tip:
When an answer in SO has more upvotes than the question, has so many comments, and has so many explanation, so many code, and so many links, IT HAS A HIGH POSSIBILITY THAT IT IS A TROLL.
God damn i hate when programmers don't have any humor, and leave a comment saying
TROLL. PLEASE STOP THIS. FUCK
Good thing, devRant is full of people who HAS humor. Thank goodness.
tl;dr gone off topic -
website: fill in all fields
user: john doe
kill blood, texas, 751454, usa
me: when the website says street name, we meant the name of your faking street! -
The later I Stay up, the more wrappers appear next to my computer in the morning...
Funny how that works....1 -
Went to boarding school in England and our physics/maths teacher was a Cambridge graduate. Real bad sense of humor, probably took a bath once a month and wore the same suit all year. Skinny, glasses, clean shaven and ate Marmite and boiled eggs every day. Poster child for nerd world but boy did this guy help advance my math skills and love for physics.8
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Holy smokes, an LLM thats a competent wit.
(it gets good toward the end)
https://pastebin.com/MpGzZRqK
courtesy of https://worldsim.nousresearch.com
edit: I was particularly fond of "Schrodinger's cat mocks causality, simultaneously alive and droll"1 -
When you wake up with a tension headache, you take something for it, everything is fine, the moment you sit in front of your desk, it comes right back with this horrible lack of empathy and care topped with the lovely lethargic feeling of burnout.. Yay me. I know what I have to do, I just really wish I could get a bit of slack once in a while.... - Packs shit to take to shit museum- psh maybe my internal error handling for slackoverflow is just too good 🤣
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everytime i see posts of code humor of doing ordinary things (for example while hungry eat) i wished i was dead.
they are too lazy and beginner. and they exist because the internet gives everyone some chance of exposure.
while this may seem like a positive and democratic thing, it results in too much low quality and everyone's standards getting lowered.
i don't mind people telling bad jokes to friends and family, because at least then even though sometimes people laugh, a frown will surely happen.
while in the internet, you don't get that reaction. In fact, the shittier the thing you post, the more points you get!
this is my version expressing how i feel about the matter:
while !is_dead()
eat_excrement_from(corpse)
bile_and_shit = vomit()
eat(bile_and_shit)
while it is true that most things online are garbage, that also means that some isn't.
for example, code-poetry.com has very clever code poems that actually does run and has some interesting STDOUT. and those do are worthwhile.
let me also do a preemptive comment to the first fucking idiot that posts a "you must be fun at parties". fuck parties and fuck you too.1 -
When your marketing director says "we're going to market the sh*t out of silver customer's".....I'm over here like "lol", apparently he was 100% serious, I got scolded.3
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CIA – Computer Industry Acronyms
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can’t See It
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
DOS: Defunct Operating System
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PnP: Plug and Pray
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You’re Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.
Credit to: http://devtopics.com/best-programmi... -
Wes Bos
Super funny front end developer which has great courses. I learned a lot from him and his humor is great and make his courses interesting and funny to watch.1 -
The senior iOS dev I was working with in my first job after uni - he showed me so many objc tricks and his self-written libraries to make working with UI stuff in swift more concise, it blew my mind. At the same time, he was very humble and calm, and had a funny humor at times. Also his code and the architecture in an older app we needed to work on was super easy to read and understand. That's why I want to be more like him - and eventually grow a beard :-)2
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Probably the weirdest single command I have ever entered so far:
apt-get install postgresql-12 postgresql-11 postgresql-10 postgresql-9.6
In other words - testing an internal tool across all of our supported postgres versions, but... Just found it funny in a way... Dunno, maybe my humor is just weird.5 -
Love this kind of humor, coworkers output into a log on errors begins with "Found Unidentified Critical Keyerror". Took a while before I noticed the genius message in this error! My colleague deserves a cookie!1
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!dev
A good conversation must be like a mini skirt. Short enough to cover the subject, long enough to retain the interest.2 -
When I was new developer and accidentally did testing of an important internal business app on what I thought was dev but was actually production... and of course has entered some crude humor as data because it was "dev".1
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Recently, I launched a website to practice and perfect a lightweight Larval CMS that is forcing me to learn Databases and good sanitization practices.
Trolling Zuckerberg's Facebook for Images to make potential MeMes, I can't help but notice he has quite a ridiculous and unrealistic amount of instances in which he seems to be talking to military and government officials.
Figured I'd use the old humor as a weapon to shed light upon this.
-
implemented bidirectional calendar sync via caldav between my phone (google calendar), my pc (outlook) and my crm system (on my server somewhere in the clouds). my fiance is also receiving my appointments.
she just asked me why i cancelled valentines day, easter and basically every appointment which is meant to celebrate something.
seems like there is a bug. funny conversation though 😂 -
i hate it when comedians smile too much.
it's like they are trying to pander or something. Or compensate the lack of material or humor
God it's so awkward because they smile as if implying that they are funny.
It feels like they are trying to hypnotize the audience into thinking they are funny.
Or as if they were your friends, I don't know what it is, but it's fucking awful.
Isn't smiling back is an evolutionary trait? Marketing folks like to brainwash people with their smiles so there has to be some truth to it.
But the last damn thing I want marketing to corrupt is stand up humor.
Just count how many times jerrod carmichael smiles. Or kate mckinnon.
God fucking dammit, let me decide if you are funny.
You can have good material with meh delivery, but not the other way around, I'm not a fucking baby laughing as a reflex, I can understand sentences.12 -
One of you guys posted about having a score of 666, to which a bunch of people (myself included) started downvoting their posts to keep it that way. I wanted to remove my --'s later, but they deleted the post and I forgot their name, and now I feel bad. Can you please present yourself so I can undo my harm, dear victim of my humor?5
-
My co-working space was too loud, so I created an app to shush them automatically
(that's the name)
It actually worked :-)
1 -
The worst part of trying to get someone to code is the part where you have to actually explain everything!
-
!rant
Started writing a book. A book of humor based on my observations of people, society, and technology. And I observe a lot, so there's no shortage of material.3 -
If you haven't downloaded 323232 programming ebooks to read god knows when then you are not a programmer..
3 -
The ability to have the perfect rick accent and all his humor + a new episode of rick and morty whenever I want2
-
!rant
I dont get why people talking to someone affected by williams syndrome, talk to them like they're slow.
you go watch the video "an introduction to williams syndrome" on yt, minute 1:45, guy works at cracker barrel as a greeter.
seems normal to me. just a little too nice. other than that they seem to grasp humor and social convention *when told*.
shit, maybe I got williams syndrome. -
I don't see the point of recruiters anymore. If they are just as insecure as a person that prefers a job above working freelance than ... What's the point of those fuckers? They contact you - they see you're young with a lot of humor and ask for your insecurities. Uhmmzz.. I have none when it comes to work. Only insecurity in the room is theirs.
TLDR; second time today: fuck recruiters2 -
Being a developer allows you to enjoy using most of the creative skills artists also put to use (writing structured prose, design, semantics, ergonomics, ethics), while adding logic, job safety, and a decent paycheck to the mix.
Also: puts you in a good position to readily take advantage of new digital goodies (eg bitcoin), and to understand the gem that is developer humor -
Intelligent Algorithms do not understand role playing, acting or humor.
Combined with permanent unique identifiers issued by social media companies for so-called "security" and moderation reasons, will systematically cause a wide range of serious consequences.
You can not reason with an algorithm.1 -
!rant
Random prank idea:
Change all the semicolons to Greek question marks(alt + 037e), watch their entire world crashing down
(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)1 -
Coworker heads out for lunch and says "I'm bringing my apple with me".
I looked at him and said "But you have a PC..."
He gave me the best look as he started to walk way.
"Next time I'll bring my Dell just for you... " He said as he left. -
I saw an article that stated that Java is the most used programming language... NICE SENSE OF HUMOR...what can I say.6
-
*generic, flaming hyperbole about software lacking preferred features*
*over-glorifying opinion on preferred software and its superior implementations of features offered by hated product*
*generic user*
*actually employee of software #2's company* -
https://gizmodo.com/linux-google-ma...
Substituting one evil empire for several others
Also
😭😭😭😭😭I wanna hump my blonde extremely special FBI friend again or some attractive variation thereof with an actual set of emotions a personality and sense of humor and shoot the fuck who rufied me ! Or ask him stuff to death would be better2 -
Joe Armstrong.
Because he gave us Psychobitch (https://youtube.com/watch/...)
His British humor,... just watch some talks..1
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