9
Wisecrack
130d

I turned down another women who was absolutely, 100% flirting with me, because, from what I can gather, she was trying to get out of a relationship with her current boyfriend, a military veteran.

I outright ignored her and then when that failed, I made our work relationship 100% about that, work.
Even though I'm friendly with everyone else.

I'm an absolute shit, aren't I? I feel genuinely bad.
I'm not sure if I did it out of a misplaced sense of honor for a dude who obviously has some ptsd, or because I don't feel like I'm able to connect with anyone anymore.

I feel like I'm alone in this world. Not, like, sexually or anything, but more like I don't want to burden anyone with the shit I'm going through. Like a man on a mission on a sinking ship, and it would be wrong to let anyone else on board.
Like a one-man shit-show, all singing, all dancing, driven to one end, with one purpose. And it'd be wrong to let anyone get attached, or invite anyone else in.

Fuck I got so many irons in the fire. I have an ARG in the works, a full game, a social platform that the code and marketing plan is laid out and I'm saving money for, two more games already planned, plus spending an in-ordinate amount of time with my father and sister and mother as they deal with the loss of my sister, plus volunteering to help the homeless, plus working, plus studying.

I barely sleep.

It's just me. I'm like a cruise missile heading to one destination, to some final destination, I just don't know what. And I don't let anyone in, because then they might see how fucking crazy I am, and how crazy my life is, and how crazy my goals are. Thats not a humblebrag. Thats more of a "wholly shit, I'm so in over my head, I'm fucking drowning" type thing. But I'm not giving up, I'm just going deeper.

And it feels like drowning but somehow I'm okay with it. Like I've passed the crux of loneliness, and settled for going for it all, alone, shooting out of orbit, and saying "fuck it all' to everything and everyone. They say "if you got everything you wanted, everything you wished for, you'd wish you hadn't, which is why god isn't a genie". And lately I've been thinking god doesn't exist, or doesn't care, because he's left it all up to me, and I've fucked it up good and proper, and am on my way to either nothing, or everything I've ever wanted.

Is this what happiness feels like? Or suicide?

I don't know. I mean I really don't. I don't want to die. I think I could stop existing and be okay with it. Having achieved at least a modicum of understanding the universe, at least accomplished something small but meaningful.
Or maybe I'm delusional, driven mad with the full comprehension of human floundering against a meandering existence.

I don't fucking know.

I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, so much, that even two weeks feels like a fucking eternity. I don't sleep anymore. When I do, I escape into my dreams, where I can fly, or float, and the people in my dreams tell me I'm living in the matrix and I believe them..in my dreams. Feel it even.

And when I wake up, the feeling persists. Leaves me in wonderland, for hours after waking.

And I have visions, of going homeless, like some buddha, all the time, and then I say "wake up J, you're fucking crazy! You want to go be some couch surfing homeless bum living off other's good graces? get the fuck outa here! While others suffer, schlep it at whatever job they work, day in day out, toil. In this economy? In this inflation? What a dishonest way of thinking. What a dishonest way of dreaming."

And yet I daydream. Because its the only escape there is from all the world has become.

And I bring joy to others, earnestly, vicariously, because its the closest joy I can feel, when I've become numb.

It is this quasi-permanent sense of alienation that permeates my whole world, a sort of invisible force field that separates me from others, even as I reach out to understand them, to comfort them, to smooth the corners off their world, so that they don't become like I have, something not entirely human, but...other.

Often when we meditate, long and hard enough,
at the center that emerges, at the center of ourselves, we find an abyss, a whole universe, devoid of anything, a perfect silence, mirroring back the cosmos, and other people. Observing, silent, irreducible, implacable.

Sometimes I feel like I don't exist. Sometimes I think others don't exist.

Very often I feel like nothing is real. And that I am playing some sort of game. Not like a video game per se, but that there is a bigger pattern, a hidden pattern to it all, just out of reach, and I'm reaching for it but understanding eludes me.

Not that the universe has made me for some special purpose, but merely that the universe observes me specifically, for no special purpose, other than that it can, whatever trivialities may impede or push forward my life.

As if the universe were bored.

Comments
  • 3
    I don't know.

    Maybe I've gone insane.

    The most honest I've been, in a very long time. Both with myself and others.

    Maybe the pseudo-anonymity makes it easier to be honest with you guys, than with others.
  • 5
    It sounds to me you have integrity and you are nobody’s fool. You just need a little help to unravel your shit and put it back together. I was in the darkness last year and got some professional counselling. It really does work.
    I would also try these, you can match up to a therapist but change if they are not right for you. Do it now and get yourself back to the happy and fulfilled person you deserve to be.

    https://www.betterhelp.com
  • 2
    @helloworld well thanks. Sorry to hear you had to cross over the chasm.

    Did it actually work though? Honestly? Did it?
  • 5
    @Wisecrack Absolutely works. You have to open up and engage with it. It works because you are talking to a professional and your shit is confidential so no-one is going to gossip or bite you in the arse down the line. You discover why and learn about yourself and ways to tackle the issues. Mental health is so important yo get through life. Don’t have to figure it out alone.
  • 4
    @helloworld I signed up because of you.

    Fuckity fuck. What am I even doing?
  • 3
    @Wisecrack Stick with it, if you can’t connect with the therapist, you can change. Good luck!!!
  • 3
    @Wisecrack Please report back in the future, see how it’s all going for you.
  • 1
    My therapist told me I need more friends to talk to. So reach out and find groups of similar values or interests where you can "just talk".
  • 2
    @helloworld geez this just makes me angry
  • 4
    I find this post relatable but might be over matching there

    I floated through life helping others but just them never touching me. It's alright. Then you feel alien. I think it's loneliness. My childhood friend was telling all his friends what their biggest fear was or something, and he said I would just end up alone when I grow up. Not like relationships, just truly always alone until you go insane.

    The problem isn't I don't talk to people though, or that I dont help or get involved, it's just somehow they don't reach me because I'm into too many things. It's like I just run hotter. Same childhood friend would say, getting annoyed, that anytime he picked up what I was into I was already moving on.

    As dickish as it sounds, the problem is I just move on too fast. I can never stay anywhere. My spirit moves on to the next thing. I can play the part but my heart is somewhere else. What are you supposed to do with that?

    I think it's alright being honest. Let the world fall where it may
  • 3
    @jestdotty I will try to enjoy you where you are then. I feel like I kinda get how that is. I have focus issues in my personal life I think. Sometimes it affects my work. I see this in my son. My wife is pretty grounded though. Which is part of the reason I think it works.
  • 3
    Hey @Wisecrack J.
    Mate.
    You're anywhere close to void, but full of it!
    Hardcore work mode, yes, maybe, though certainly sharing your soul with us here.
    Keep it up! We love your stories and drive. And we are here for you, listening to you and arguing and dreaming with you.
    @Wisecrack. Treat yourself to a shrink. Or a holiday? What posh people don't do mental health, eh?!
    Whatever you do, obviously you add to the universe we all explore and you're one of our front running freaks on that event horizon!
    Keep it up, @Wisecrack, mate.
  • 3
    @scor Hey scor. I was going through like two years of posts and comments and you are always there. You are one helluva person.

    May you never change except in the best of ways.

    You're the real deal, a rare bird if ever there was one.

    Be well and stay crazy.
  • 3
    @Demolishun glad to see you still here man.
  • 2
    @jestdotty "The problem isn't I don't talk to people though, or that I dont help or get involved, it's just somehow they don't reach me because I'm into too many things."

    If your reach never once exceeded your grasp, isn't that a small life to live?

    Imagine being old and having accomplished everything you ever wanted to do.

    There would be like, a couple gap years at least, where you just had to live with being done for good.

    That'd be terrible.

    Restlessness is probably a curse. I won't call it a blessing because it isn't. But it is definitely something all its own.

    Maybe we're just built different, all of us that are like this.
  • 1
    @aviophille NO U!
  • 2
    @Wisecrack I took a break a while back.
  • 3
    @Wisecrack I don't think one accomplishes everything. Hedonic treadmill rules apply. Brain will always come up with new things it wants

    When I was growing up I was in a bad home situation, and my only real dream in life was to move out. I did that and I felt like an 80 year old grandma and like I could die happy now. Then a couple years passed and I found new things I was unhappy about and wanted to conquer. The transition from thinking you can die happy to realizing something else is making you unhappy was probably the toughest part of it because it goes against your ego / worldview, so you kind of knock and scream because you're an arrogant twat thinking "I'm too good for these problems, people / the world should be better" and then one flirts with "unfair" and "wrong", but it's hubris. The world is never conquered.
  • 4
    And the good thing about that too is you're allowed to waste as much time in your journey as you want to! Stop and smell roses and stuff. You'll always be conquering something, doesn't mean you gotta be neurotic about it (other people might disagree though 😝)
  • 2
    @jestdotty thats an incredibly honest pair of comments, something most people wouldn't share, so thanks.

    I think for some of us the pyramid of needs is inverted, or we start on a different rung of it which is why we float from one thing to the next, constantly dissatisfied. Idk really. Just something that comes to mind.
  • 4
    @Wisecrack I don't know, I grew up spoiled in some ways (rich smart family) so maybe the pyramid is different. Maybe they got the pyramid wrong, too, wouldn't be the only theory to be nonsense

    Delving through Buddhism and ancient philosophies I think is more accurate than modern pyramids, because they teach you to come to your own conclusions and have a sense for things, not just some rubric to remember and have faith it's real when it isn't answering any of your questions in any meaningfully applicable way
  • 2
    @Wisecrack

    I respect You Wisecrack for that!
    I don’t think you were shit, and definitely should not feel bad about the situation!
    You did what an absolute bro would do for another dude! And that is something you should be proud of!

    I don't think you're on a sinking ship, my friend, unless we're all on it… and in that case we already fucked up…
    End of the world is not here (yet) so back to business…
    We all have this feeling when we are under ourself, and yeah You have the right for that feeling too…feel it, live it, and come over it! I believe in you, and know you will!!!
    It is hard to see the bright side of life, but i’m sure about one thing… you will find your soulmate, who will ensure you that this ship is not going down. And it will be much much easier to connect with her than you think now.
  • 3
    “It would be wrong to let anyone else on board”
    But what if someone’s ship wrecked near you, and for that person “your sinking ship” would be life saver… would you still push her away?!?
    See everything depends on the context, and what is miserable from one perspective (sinking ship) would be a whole new chance for surviving this fucking storming ocean.

    Anyway i sincerely wish you Merry Christmas my friend and hope You will find the purpose of life… not others, but Yours
  • 2
    @figoore what a profound way of looking at things mate.

    Wish I wasn't fervently wrapping gifts, so I could better respond with how much your comment is appreciated right now.
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