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few days ago my ability to automatically plan things out in my head and to "actually remember" to do them came back... which is apparently called https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/...

this is actually the funnest shit. I loved this state and being "overburdened", because it feels like you're running an orchestra. it's sad though that it's been 1.5 years since I've been trending up from my cognitive issues (which doctors insisted don't exist) and it's only come back now (and of course 3 years prior to that where I was wandering around totally lost like a dementia patient, of course not checked for or acknowledged because the system says you're too young to have it so we won't bother even though that's not how definitions are supposed to work)

I feel like my life has been stolen from me and I cry about it all the time. you really figure out the underbelly of how ruthless and messed up people are. whereas before all this I had a catholic upbringing (despite being atheist and from an atheist family) where they taught you every person has fundamental value and believed in helping people, but now my whole world view is just utter misanthropy instead because humans are just outright disgusting scum turns out. morals for you but no we won't help you we'll just try to look high status to fuck you harder, repeat. if you try to help yourself we'll gaslight you because your offensive to our unfounded beliefs is more important than your life and your whole universe and every belief you ever had or could ever have, tehe, fuck you, got/getting mine off your back cuz you cant defend yourself tehe suuuckerr

j/k people don't even giggle when they fuck you. If they did they'd be more likeable. at least they'd be enjoying themselves, playing a game. but they don't view it as a game. they 100% believe they are doing the right thing, and that's terrifying and so dark

after prospective memory now my imagination seems to be coming back and i can think of 3-4 things at once in the background again... I'm actually having trouble telling the difference between dreaming and thinking when I wake up. before my imagination was invasive and was 90% of my experience, over physical reality, like while I'm focusing in physical reality. it's crazy you can lose that sort of brainpower. I'm still not there to that degree, as new "features" come back in glitchy spurts, but it makes me want to cry in a good way. I didn't think I would ever become myself again. I actually stopped being able to remember what it was like because I was sick so long

there's still so much missing. like for about a month now i can think more complicated intuitive thoughts, but if I try to put them into words I can't... eventually the ability to word them turned up but then the words end up sounding very stupid and after I say them the intuition disappears and I get very embarrassed and also frustrated because I can't bring back the intuition and I just forget it and am left with the stupid words that didn't capture the intuition. All my life I was so good at explaining things, numerous people would comment on it and befriend me because they loved I could guess what they mean and put it into words using my intuition and I guess explanatory abilities. I feel barely even human so much of the time because of all these things I could do so easily before, which made me me, but just up and disappeared... and it used to be so much worse when I was sick, that feeling of not even being human. Except the cruelest thing of all is I could never even cry out loud and communicate it, because that required human abilities I was missing hahaha... I thought I was shouting, I thought I was crying. but I don't think I said anything at all. I think I was just a vegetable, just trying to remember to feed myself, and having even no sense of hunger or knowledge of food preferences. Those also came back in the last month. Isn't that sad? lmao. I guess prospective memory is the system that tells you you would like to eat a certain food in the future