It's hard to at all times view yourself from both your own eyes and the eyes of those who oppress you, trying to measure yourself by their tape as they spit in your face.
English is not my language, and the West is not my civilization. Even if I finally get to live in Europe, I will never belong there because of my roots. The place where those roots grow from first imbued me with the sense of being subhuman to the western guys, and then exiled me altogether because of who I am.
I never felt home anywhere. I wasn't home at home because of my so-called parents, now I'm not home because I live in a limbo where I did leave Russia but didn't reach my destination yet, and I know full well I'm not going to feel home when I'm in Europe. If I ever get there that is.

Bullshit. Just come to Europe. You can have your philosophical musings here as well.. They are as helpful as solipsism or nihilism. But hey, just find a few people you like hanging out with. That's all there is, for any of us.

@TrayKnots how?

there's pockets of Russian communities where I live and I'm sure the same happens elsewhere

if you say you're basically a political refugee it's probably not a rare case. probably there's some communities somewhere out there with people with similar circumstances who had left russia

@jestdotty pockets aren’t home

I think there's many truth in that. There was another discussion on this site regarding such stuff. I state in that discussion that you're cultural SOMETHING.

I lived happily in Ukraine for a while but that's just because i did not really understood the country yet. If i went deeper in their politics and stuff, i would've ran away probably. So good that i didn't do that. But in general, my life in Ukraine was happier than in Netherlands.

I know an Ukrainian who left for a while in the Netherlands and she decided that we live in a dream world - not the positive way and went back taking one of my best friends with her. They live together there now. She just didn't feel at home at all in The Netherlands.

Me also decided that I'm probably too Dutch to live somewhere else. Maybe Germany or Austria could be an option. Many countries are too relaxed imho. I get irritated as fuck on summer vacations. Ya hochu arbeit!

@retoor ngl NL sounds like an awesome place to live

your corporate culture sounds so no hassle. was always jelly of that NL incel guy who bitched at me. he had nothing to bitch about. I was confused why he got treated so much better despite his terrible attitude. he would even not come into work for months at a time, and all his jobs were remote to begin with... nuts level of freedom and he still couldn't control himself enough to meet it.

then I met you and I'm like, "ah, all of NL is just idealic"

raagghh

@jestdotty nah, work phase is quite high tho. We're bit like Germans regarding that. Those 8 hours we work, we work hard. Foreign people are many times slow / lazy in our eyes.

@retoor no offense, but you preferring Ukraine to Netherlands is like rich ppl rocking hobo swag

@kiki re pockets
But aren’t they home?

What more did we ever get for ages but pockets,
Carved against the unforgiving horizon of the natural world
We couldn’t venture over the horizon without fear of death.
Now we long to transverse continents without learning new words

A pocket of people with your words
A hostile environment on all your horizons
A continent of those with foreign thinking you

What is home, but those like minded where it matters?

@kiki How what? How to come here? No idea, bad political climate at the moment.

But here in Berlin are lots of Russian communities. And quite a few Saint Petersburg natives. My wife is one of them. You'd find a community here.

Politics hopefully won't remain shit forever.

@TrayKnots you need to work there to move there. everything is expensive. bc of depression I can't work 8 hours, and no one needs a foreign worker that isn't both 200% more productive and 50% cheaper than a local guy. and I don't currently earn enough money to move as some kind of a financially independent person

@kiki

Well, actually, you most likely cost the employer more. Blue cards are mostly required for that kind of foreign work and those have a minimum salary far above minimum wage to be handed out. Work too cheap and you won't get it.

You ran into the fundamental human problem. Everything is compound interest. Meaning, at the beginning, almost nothing pays off. At the end, you hardly work and you get huge pay offs. The trick, you keep improving.

If you have enough friends, making new friends is easy. Making that first friend, though. Takes ages.

Same for work.

Same for almost everything. Compound interest.

I have to deal with depression as well, but that doesn't change the fundamental nature of reality. And that is not simply inertia, it is compound interest.

@TrayKnots

1. How does that translate to moving to Germany? All I see is that I have to be finding a new job, that's a task in itself that will take a long time, and it's hard to do that on the side of already working on a current job. Then, even if I succeed, they will need a productive person, which I am not because of my depression.

2. I have friends. It doesn't change much.

@kiki

If there was an easy answer, you would have found it. You are intelligent. Intelligent people always have good replies. Not helpful, good. Meaning, you will argue why everything is shit. You'd be wrong, but that's a nuance thing. And nuance is hard. Nuance is percentages and confidence intervals, nuance requires calculation and studies. In broad strokes, you will always be correct.

Anyway, slight change of topic. From one person dealing with depression to another, do you sometimes also imagine an isekai or litRPG protagonist taking over your life? Like, let's say: "I was reborn in another world as a loser in his 30ies." I usually end up figuring out that improving is technically simple. I just fail to muster the will or am already failing at finding a goal.