Again my anxiety hiting me bad.
I had an internal meeting today with this team where my new project depends on. The goal was to understand about the impacts we can have on thier services.
Instead everything was different, everyone just went on talking and I couldn't understand. There were seniors in the call but this is the part of the project I am responsible for.
I was the junior but still have 3 years of experience and expected to do these things, at least I expect it from myself.
I don't understand everyone around me is so normal, no one's like me. They work, people trust them, people ask them for help. I am on the other hand just a below average person trying to do things I don't understand.

I prepared for this meeting, but the things that were being discussed, I couldn't understand although they were simple.

How do people not feel anxious? Should I not think about this meeting at all? If I think about what went wrong then it ia only me, I couldn't understand things well. How to deal with that?

I literally want to cry but I am a big girl now, it's hard for me to cry. :( I am too sad and habe no confidence. My senior muat be thinking she does know anything, she's incompetent. :(

@UnicornPoo I agree that asking a senior might help. But I'm concerned with my anxiety. It played so well that I couldn't even identify it and couldn't deal with it. I'm although trying to avoid a negative self talk that I did today but controlled it.
Opening my work laptop is giving me anxiety. I know creating boundaries and setting clear goals helps with this kind of anxiety. But there are more. I actually thought about the today's meeting and realised that getting confused was natural for me as I haven't solved these kind of things earlier. The thing that started my anxiety was not able to speak when something that I don't know how to reply to came up. So, when my seniors spoke about it, I got little direction that this should be done.

For me next steps will be:
* no negative self talk.
* If I'm stuck, don't know the right thing I'll call out the relevant person in the meeting.
* I'll talk to the mentors/manager to how to answer these questions which I was stuck on.

When something is unclear, ask. Better sooner than later. Changes are, it's unclear to other parties as well.

@electrineer I agree. I have improved a lot in asking questions but this came with the comfort I have with my colleagues not with
the need because I think that the person will think I am dumb.

@true-dev001 anxiety is this fucking biatch that puts you on an adrenaline rush... and at that moment you question everything. At least it was like that for me in the beginning. And while you try to discern all the questions and doubts, the world moves on.

You are suddenly in the awkward situation that you are aware of your surroundings but your brain is stuck processing the dumpster fire of questions your psyche is throwing at you with a gatling gun.

While the human brain is a marvelous processing unit, it can be DDOSed, too.

It's hard. I'm still dealing with it sometimes now a days, especially when sleep deprived or too many things burning at once.

I guess every one finds a way to deal with it. In home office I usually mute my micro, scream and curse for a min or throw a fist strike at the wall or punch on the table (pain is very efficient as a countermeasure for me) to calm myself.

And I take notes. Mostly to have a kind of insurance that even when I can't process it at all I at least can process it afterwards.

It's not uncommon btw. Especially in management you'll notice after a while certain behaviours... The guy playing origami with a paperclip, the manager who constantly tips his shoe on the floor, the secretary who's biro looks like a dog's favorite chewing toy...

I blame partly the whole way every office job works: You should be socially adapt while working 200 %. Educating yourself from home of course. And being excellent in everything you do. While not asking for more money, cause you love your job.

No wonder most of us in office / management have more than one screw loose in the brain.