53
linuxxx
3y

Beware: this is me expressing how I feel about my programming/my skillset, and so on. It might be imposter syndrome but I am having a fucking bad episode right now and I just need to get this the fuck out.

I work at a distribution center right now. Can I provide for myself? Yes. Do I even slightly like my work? No I fucking hate it to the point. I hate going there every day, doing shit I don't like, not being able to focus on the shit I love but that's it for me for now.

In my free time I still am able to program a little but then the (I will call it imposter syndrome for now as I have no clue how to call it) imposter syndrome comes looking around the FUCKING corner.

*What the fuck are you doing? For real man, someone else could do that like way fucking better*

*Wow man your code..... there are so many people who would write that a million times better*

*You have re-written this for 10 times now. But seriously, this still sucks fucking balls*.

Fucking hell. Yes, at programming level I am still a junior, I fucking know that. But it fucking sucks feeling like anyone but you would do the shit you're making better anyways.

How fucking down can you get yourself. How bad can you make yourself feel through just a few fucking words/thoughts.

The only thing I am happy about right now is the fact that a very good friend is able to keep me at least slightly sane right now.

Comments
  • 9
    It will get better. One day. Until then, keep learning, keep trying, keep exploring. There will always be a million people better at doing X or knowing more about Y. But inorder to learn new stuff you have to try it. Maybe you write shitcode, but you can always come back and fix it, once you got the knowledge.

    Keep strong mate
  • 4
    @Wack Thanks man! Just looked at some old code and it actually looks good so feeling better haha. But yeah, that was a quite bad moment :).
  • 2
    @linuxxx so go fix it! Refactor it! Think about what you have achived!
  • 7
    It will get better. But don't always think about people who may code better than you. There are so many people out there who would love to know as much as you do.
  • 4
    @mightyleguan That made me smile, thanks!
  • 2
    @linuxxx no problem :)
  • 7
    @linuxxx I'm sorry you went through that. I do it to myself a lot, too, and I think most of us probably do at some point. But we just have to push through it and realize that we are good, there's always someone better, and there's always something new to learn. For me that's the joy - learning something new and figuring out a new solution to some problem. You can do it, so stick with it it and things will get better.
  • 3
    I used to think the same thing about my code, until I got hired for my first job as a C# developer and saw the shit they had paid a 3rd party developer hundreds of thousands of dollars to develop...
  • 0
    You can reprogram the negative self talk into something positive. Like an experiment reading your own subroutines. Psychology and observation and it can get better.
  • 2
    I haven't been doing this nearly as long as a lot of people. Just remember that when you were first learning anything, it probably wasn't very good. It takes a while to get good at something and a really long time to master something. Hang in there and just keep at it. Read Michael Jordan's story for some inspiration. The best way to get better at something is to show up everyday and work at it.
  • 3
    @Linuxxx don't be so hard on yourself. If others can do it better, so what? You're trying, you're learning, and it sounds like you're improving. No matter what you do, "imposter syndrome" will always be a thing, whether it's dev related or not.

    I don't have a cs/dev relevant example, but I live near military bases so our bars here have officers and enlisted going out while on liberty. I hear all the time from civilians "yeah, I could do that I almost joined but <lame excuse>". Those people are more like imposters than you are, no matter how you feel. You're actually doing it, and trying. That's what's truly important.
  • 0
    Read "Taylor Clark - Nerve". I think this applies to your situation as well.
    And just think - this is exactly how one learns. You make mistakes, you learn from them. That's what is called experience. You recognize that your code is flawed and you find better ways to implement the same thing - it's called progressing. Not all people can do that, many get stuck at beginners level and proudly call themselves "expert". And then someone like you has to step in and refactor that pile of shit.
    Yes, there will always be someone who'll be able to do something better than you. And three will always be things that you can do better than most. And a few things that you can do best.
  • 0
    Test and read books and practice.

    If somebody has comments point them to your tests and say it woks doesn't it ?

    In the mean time spent some time reading books and practice what you read.

    Believe in your self and be confident.
  • 0
    We all go through it. My goal was just to fuck up some jobs in the process of improving. You can't improve without risking some things. You may get fired, but once you're out, you'll keep improving.
  • 2
    Good devops people are extremely rare to come across. Good developers are far more common. But developers can't usually do any systems architecture stuff or networking etc. as they really don't care about all that and have not learned about it.
  • 3
    @matsaki95 Damn 😓
  • 3
    @Letmecode Yeah that was my bad part ranting yesterday as my job isn't that bad even :P. It was weird reading this back in the morning :). Thanks though!
  • 3
    @linuxxx you'll be fine man, just keep applying or marry some nice coding gf overseas ;)
  • 2
  • 0
    Its always like that during junior or forming years of being a developer. Once you read more codes from other people you'll begin to have a habit or principle of writing readble non-shitty codes.

    Fail fast... Learn faster...
  • 2
    @NeatNerdPrime lol!!! Bringing that over here now??
  • 2
    @taylorviktorya just helping out a fellow ranter with sole good perspectives :-p
  • 1
    @linuxxx also have in mind that its okay to accept help in your situation.
  • 3
    @taylorviktorya @linuxxx listen i don't want to make this more awkward as it is, but, who knows your ideal partner is right there at the handle... And imagine this story becoming a devrant cartoon....
  • 3
    @NeatNerdPrime I have the idea that she is not single haha and not sure about the age so I can't imagine that happening anytime soon :P
  • 3
    @linuxxx if I'm reading that right, you're willing to move to another country if I'm single and in your acceptable age range???
  • 3
    Oh this is getting good!
  • 1
    @taylorviktorya Uhm that was not really what I meant 😐. Don't worry haha! Nah that's a little (read much) over the top, that comment was meant jokish haha :)
  • 1
    @linuxxx I figured. I'm just giving you a hard time 😄 text removes most of the sass that occurs when I speak verbally.
  • 1
    @taylorviktorya Tbh irl I am bad/nervous as fuck with girls haha! I currently like a girl at my work and we have some good convo's but damn I don't even slightly dare to ask any further haha
  • 0
    @linuxxx without much background, you could ask her to something casual. Or so I'm told. I'm terrible, too. Lol
  • 2
    @taylorviktorya Haha xD. The bad thing is that I don't have much time left to ask her but I'll see if I get the guts to do this.
  • 0
    @linuxxx let me know how it goes!!!!!
  • 2
    @taylorviktorya Will deffo do! (damn she is so cute) (sorry)
  • 0
    @linuxxx why sorry??? If she's cute and you get along well why are you sorry??
  • 1
    @taylorviktorya Idk for acting like a teenager who can't keep his shit together because he likes a girl :P
  • 1
    @linuxxx 😂 you're good :)
  • 2
    @taylorviktorya Tbh though this is the first time I've even gone further than saying a single word to someone I like xD. Having interesting conversations is a new one for me :P
  • 0
    <3 have moments like this a lot too. I just try to keep in mind that I am ever changing and progress is times counterpart; just have to be patient and persistent I guess. Sigh, but boy do I empathize with you. <3 You're awesome and the fact that you have an idea of what makes you happy is a good thing. Gotta start making baby steps towards it.
  • 0
    @linuxxx having never asked anyone out, this is hypocritical advice, but isn't asking her to coffee/tea/whatever the only way you can find out if she will be interested in getting coffee/tea/whatever?

    And why are you running out of time?

    Also, good job getting at least this far. I'm still at the saying hi stage. I normally wait for them to talk to me...
  • 1
    Call me biased but it seems you two can get along pretty well! But ok i'll stop, and let nature take its course
  • 0
    @NeatNerdPrime lol!!!!! Also, you're putting a lot of faith into me not being a three-eyed, green skinned, abscess covered troll that lives under a bridge eating goats as a crossing toll...
  • 1
    @taylorviktorya life is to short to wait. Cause people (men) are blind (and sometimes dumb as shit when it comes to girls). Don't wait for him make the first move, or you will regret.

    @linuxxx same for you with
    swapped gender. 😅
  • 0
    @Divisionbyzero I realize this on a logical level... But I sound like an idiot when i try to be witty with pickup lines...
  • 1
    @taylorviktorya forget about pickup lines. Just ask the one if he/she is interested in spending time together. That will do it.
  • 1
    @Divisionbyzero have to at least say hi first..

    If it's work related, I can talk to anyone, no matter how attractive. Other than that, I forget how words work.
  • 3
    try {
    askWannaSpendTime();
    } catch ($e) {
    log($e);
    changeTopic();

    while (!forget()) {
    drink();
    }
    }
  • 0
    @Divisionbyzero 😂😄
  • 0
    @taylorviktorya well it's not me that is the romeo of this story, and don't they say that true love looks beyond looks? Maybe @linuxxx is a diablo3-bossmonster as well. Anyways what your first convo at your first date can be about is what the most annoying web stack is to work with, Lamp, lapp,mean,..
  • 1
    @Divisionbyzero Well the drinking part has worked out great till now 😓
  • 1
    Forget about pickup lines. Try to have a conversation with the other person. Just about "normal" stuff. With normal I mean about things that interest the both of you (but make sure your not fan boying/girling too much ;)). You'll easyly transition to other topics. Oh and best of all, those conversations can be with text messages. Whatever you feel like.
    After some time, when you get along well, invite that person over for dinner. Cook together. Maybe watch a movie (at home not in the movie theater, BAD IDEA!) or go for a walk.
    Once you reach the point where you'll write each other for no apearant reasen exept to talk to each other, you'll ask "nonsence"/silly question just to have something to talk about, ask her/him out. Oh and make sure it's not just comming from your side. Stop writing for half a day or a day, to see if they'll start a conversation and it's not only you.

    The other adviceI can give is to be confident. Now I know it's easyer said then done, but for me alcohol helps to reveal my true self and let go of the " mask". Not to much though, just a little. And with the confidence, just be bold. Try something. It's better to get a no, than to live in uncertainty.

    Good luck you wonderful people out there. May the debugger be with you.
  • 1
    It will get better !! I'm working with C for 9 years and I'm just 17 years old but i still cannot make perfect code but it's surely better then 2 years ago !! So don't let people tell bullshit about your code !!! Everybody have to start somewhere even those "bad guys" were at your level once tell them that and they will shut up
  • 0
    Holy shit you've been working on C since you were 8!?
  • 0
    Well why did even start coding?

    (Haven't read thru the whole thread and just got back from 1 week or Internet deprivation so yea have a whole lot of stuff I need to process... And it's Sunday...)

    Usually the stuff I build are built for me. I'm the user and that's all that matters... while I'd like others to use my stuff... Honestly I couldn't give a FUCK... as long as I use it to do what I want.
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