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Sorry, !dev-related.

Today I wake up tired. Mother barges into my room and tells me I should be already ready, takes time to fucking argue, then does some cleaning(As if I never do it or something), and this evening she starts arguing about that again and just disconnects the plug from my PC, telling me I shouldn't have gotten a person who takes preparing way longer than me and who also got out of the car when I was ready to take off late AND that I should apologise to her for speaking „in a rude manner“, when just a few seconds ago from that she hit me. That hit wasn't painful. It still was a hit, though. Do I have to say how angry I got? As if I needed that. I'm already having trouble with not wanting to kill myself for a whole week nonstop. And she tells me I have to apologise or I don't get my PC back. Oh, I haven't gotten to the best part: My birthday's coming really soon. A week and a day later. Beats me how I will have to force myself to smile like an idiot again just because the actual idiots cannot understand the shit they've done to my mind. So much so I may not be functioning at all if I stay with them much longer.

This combined with all my family telling me how insane I supposedly am etc.

I might try a photography school. My friend(who could be my twin), has been nagging me about trying it...

I need a job.

I need a fucking place away from these blood-sucking leeches.

I need to understand how my horrible self-esteem has potentially fucked my whole life up and how much nerves I wasted on my goddamn nuclear family.

I also need to learn to forgive myself.

Many more, but I will end this here.

Comments
  • 24
    Don’t give up! :(
  • 14
    Oh shit :/ I'm sorry for you
    I wish you all the best and am sure you'll figure out a good way to get away from this shit.
  • 22
    @AlexDeLarge 23. Soon to be 24.

    Does that even matter?

    I have done things that are now just hurting me... And that I feel guilty for.
  • 18
    @AlexDeLarge They've been acting nearly the same for more than 15 years.

    At some point one has to say there is no point in trying to tell them that.
  • 4
    Your only focus needs to be getting that job so you can get out. and do not make the mistake of ever allowing another human think they have a say over what you do when you do not affect them in the lest. Once you out cut the string because that is all it is a mythical string born through ages of people thinking that family is a thing that means anything.

    just my personal view and actions reflected in above opinion
  • 4
    I feel sorry for you going through all that :(
    Stay strong, your time will come. Xx
  • 16
    @penderis I disagree on the family doesn't mean anything stance... It matters when it works and it matters when it doesn't.

    Other than that, I agree.
  • 10
    I wish you all the best.

    And don't apologize for non-dev rants, while we're a community of devs, the deeper life rants are the really important ones.

    I hope you soon find a place, even if it's just a temporary one, a corner of a friend's house maybe? Abusive environments have only one solution: get out, as fast as you can.
  • 3
    @BlueNutterfly on a side not I always say that family are just strangers you are forced to grow up with. But different upbringings would have us rather agree to disagree on that.
  • 13
    @irene xD

    I have my eyes set on a person I knew.

    I guess it seems much too lovey-dovey for this community. Sorry, I am a robot who's malfunctioning over here xD

    @penderis Agreed.
  • 5
    I am sorry to hear you feel like this at home. But keep going, there is a lot of good things ahead...
    I hope very soon you find a home which redefines the meaning of 'home' to the correct thing for you
  • 6
    I left my home around that age because my father and I had the same toxic relationship. I just found a friend to live with in the interim, left and never looked back.
  • 4
    This sounds for me just like gtfo by now.
    Even if they're your immediate family and you feel connected to them, they are, by no means, allowed to treat you this way.
    They have no right to interfere with how you live your life and they're seemingly completely clueless about who you are as a person.

    Write your CV, get a job and move out if you can. Please don't hate yourself for hesitating or anything else. And don't be hard on yourself for you will probably break things in the process.

    Get some space to breathe by yourself.
  • 3
    @BlueNutterfly many things have been said in the comments, some I can agree with more than others.

    My 2 cents for right now is do something or go somewhere with or without somebody, that is relaxing for you. Or just meditate. Turn off your phone for an hour, put on music and just let yourself relax for a bit. You will know more about how to do what you want to do if you relax :)
  • 2
  • 2
    This is not normal.
    I've been through something like that, but I was a teenager.

    Sometimes parents can't speak well. They do not realize how much they are hurting. My mom didn't understand it, and still doesn't.

    You're right: find a job asap and move out :)
  • 2
    Hope this helps 🤗
  • 3
    Maybe you should just sit them down and have a heart to heart.
    You don't want to alienate your family. You will regret it later if you do.
    Just ask them to a calm talk. There has to be some underlying issue here.
    Extra advice: go in with no anger whatsoever and stay as calm as possible.
    People get angrier as they get older, but we can still keep our calm.
    Hope it turns out well for you!

    Or maybe you're right and I'm just talkin' out my ass right now but still, maybe it's worth a shot.
  • 1
    @BlueNutterfly I can't say I've been in the same situation, but I've seen it and know that's not easy

    But don't give up on what you want, and don't let your self-esteem go down because of your mother.

    I hope your situation improves *hug*
  • 4
    @kgbemployee Once you're above 18 it's very healthy create some distance between you and your parents, at least for a little while, even if it's just for a few months.

    Not because @BlueNutterfly has to hate them forever, but because at some point you have to do things completely on your own, you have to bear the full weight of all of life's responsibilities and freedoms.

    Breaking up with your parents changes your relationship with them, for the better. You'll notice what they were right about, only once you make the mistakes for yourself. And you learn what misconceptions your parents have, but that's OK too.

    They might disapprove of some of your choices, they might get worried sick about things you do, but the alternative is to keep being stuck in some post-puberty dynamic where you can't fully flourish and become the awesome unique adult person you're destined to be.
  • 1
    @bittersweet i've been through all that already. Too much distance is not the best aproach.
  • 1
    This is why I have a passionate hatred for stupid people. Some advice for you, preserve your sanity for as long as you can, never go along with whatever they want you to do as long as they're in the wrong.
  • 5
    @BlueNutterfly I think it would be a good thing to make a statement and just leave your parents house/flat for some time or for good (you could move in with a friend) The way your mom treats you is really not acceptable.
    Stay strong and remember that we're here for you (I hope I can say that for everyone)
    You made yourself lots of friends here, don't forget that 💓
  • 10
    @andros705 Sadly, kinda yes...
  • 11
    The only relationship I've ever had only worked because of my horrible self-esteem. I had this person I liked right near me, but I was afraid to even try anything(but seeing things now, he did like me), thinking he wouldn't ever love a person like me and I never deserved him(but he's a perfect match for me), and then this relationship with another person happened and he left without a trace a year after. I broke up with the guy this summer after thinking about it in a calm environment where neither the parents nor the guy were there. Now I know that I need to see the guy who left(let's say Crash). Only time will tell if I ever see him. I did hurt both him and myself, though...

    He has disappeared so well I feel like I'm being gaslighted about him ever existing in the first place. He's just somewhere hard to find.

    Feel free to tell me how fucking stupid my self-esteem is :S
  • 12
    @irene He's the only one I've ever felt completely safe and understood with. We needed no words to understand each other...

    I've only met two other persons that could boast that. Both of them female. One being my grandmother who's no longer alive and the other being a school friend...
  • 13
    @irene Rarely do I say I disagree on something... I know he's irreplaceable for me.

    I just cannot have the same memories I have with him repeated with someone else. It's not possible for me.

    I'm the type who commits(no pun intended), in a relationship and I have a huge amount of attachment to the guy.
  • 17
    Also, how can anyone ever replicate the memory of driving in a slightly misty weather at night at 80 km/h with the guy sitting on the roof of the jeep with his phone in hand, having All Stars blasting on maximum volume and the guy singing along on top of his lungs?

    Or literally flying for a few seconds with a Subaru Legacy B4(2001 model, Twin Turbo and STI version)? I was driving, by the way :P

    Those were the moments I felt alive and that person had a huge place in both of these memories.

    He also helped me with my fear of falling from heights, among other things.
  • 1
    @BlueNutterfly Stay strong, pal! I've been there as well, and all you can do is endure. Try to be polite nonetheless, don't lower yourself to her level. Again, remain strong! For anything else, feel free to tag me :) g'luck
  • 2
    @BlueNutterfly Self-esteem is sometimes really fucked up. :/ And good people with which you just connect on a kind of "soul-mate"-level are hard to come by.

    However, that doesn't mean you'll not find someone similar in the future. It's not about "replacing" the memories you have with him with someone else but having an outlook to the future, for you can't undo/redo the past.
    Treasure the memories you have with him but also move on - the past is a haunted place to live in.

    For the meantime, focus on yourself and the things you want to do and/or become. (Photography sounds cool, btw.)
  • 12
    @nin0x03 I'm just saying that the guy was in a marked minority of people I could count on my hands that I'd do anything for...

    I will be haunted by not knowing the exact reason of his disappearance... So no matter what I do, I will need to sort it out.
  • 12
    Oh, and lovely news...

    I went to a psychiatrist. It seems my Depression got severe. Not that I couldn't see.
  • 4
    @BlueNutterfly you're not alone... I'm in a similar situation, the depression comes and goes, terrible thoughts about suicide, etc.

    I know it's difficult, but try to think positive, and try to change or remove everything in your life which cause you thinking negative.

    Start to believe in yourself, in your skills, find a job, and you will feel better. I believe you can do it.

    P.S. Sorry, I didn't read the entire conversation here, so maybe it's something already someone said, or it's not something which helps you. But I feel very bad when I see other depressed people.

    It's a horrible feeling, and the only way to fix this, is changing your habits, focus on something new. Try to be find good people that can help you, or at least distract you from this situation.
  • 11
    @irene Then I refuse to let it.
  • 1
    Have you told her how you feel? Sometimes people don't realize what they do until they are told.

    About your birthday, you could tell your family, that you won't celebrate (with them), as you don't feel as a valued member of the family and thus don't feel like you have anything to celebrate.

    What I'd start doing is looking your room. Both when you're inside it or when you're out. You're a fucking adult, so you should have your privacy, a place just for you where you can feel save.

    I hope it will get better soon! <3
  • 1
    About finding a job, may I suggest you write where you live and what tecnologies/stack you're looking for and if we know someone in that area we'll give them a call?
  • 12
    @Wack There is one thing I could try...

    The GeoLab game development teacher who I could in theory get to tutor me. But it takes time, goddammit. It's not exactly the easiest thing having a severe form of Depression(As in, I can barely sleep like a normal person even with a sleeping pill and I'm out of energy all the time, have some really bad mood swings sometimes etc), and having these kinds of people telling me I must not fail the university or they take the tech away. I'm already failing spectacularly. Just great job, me -_- Did I not fucking swear I wouldn't fail? *Proceeds to beat herself up about it*

    See, I pretty much doubt I can be helped from here. Georgia being where I'm from.

    I so want to be a game developer, though... I want to at least take part in telling great stories.

    I wouldn't mind doing that along with twitch streaming once a week or something like that, but the internet I have is DEFINITELY not up to streaming in any quality.
  • 12
    I had a midterm nobody bothered to notify me about.

    Hardly any chances of retrying it.

    Having fun reading about how citric acid is manufactured. What a lovely day.

    This university is definitely getting in my way of being a game developer.
  • 6
    You matter. To every one here. We love yoj just the way you are. I don't know how or when but all I can tell you, is that it will get better!
    Try to focus on the positive things in your live. Write down a list of things to do until the end of the year. Let's say put 15 things on that list. Things you enjoy or didn't do in a long time. It could be trivial stuff like "going swimming", " go on a hike to your favorite place when you where young" or something like that. Force yourself to do the things on that list, things you like. Time will fly and you'll feels better as you have a scense of acvomplishment. If possible write down that list with a froend, a person that you fully trust. That way you'll feel more commited and that person can help you achive it or remind you like "hey let's do x together today. I'll pick you up in 10min!"
    Another thing you could try would be cooking or baking. Just look for random receipies on the internet of new things that you haven't done before. The first time it may turn out horrible, but you just go on until you perfected it. That way you will see, that you can create beautiful things.
    Don't give up! You matter and we all love you! <3
  • 12
    @Wack I'm speechless.
  • 2
    This comment is long after the rant was posted.
    Hope everything is fine now. You are enjoying your life with your family, got a job and... you are happy :)
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