DB team: We will have someone reach out to you and set up a call for your database support request.

Me: *this will suck...some dude with a super strong accent, audio that sounds like crap on a 56k modem, and horns beeping in the background*

DB team: The support engineer is actually from your same area.

Me: Nice! *maybe an American*

DB engineer: "uh yes ello dish is ramajadeshava and I will be supporting each and every request"

Me: *fuck...but at least there's no horns in the background*

I'm surrounded by idiots.

Yet they keep getting promoted.

It seems being competent and skilled at your current role means absolute dog shit.

Hiring Manager: Thanks for interviewing for the position. But the things we listed as "nice to haves" are actually required for the job so we aren't going to hire you.

If you start your email subject with [PLS READ]...

I will, for a fact, not read your email.

Management wants weekly update meetings on some "super important" work. Fine.

But for the past 8 weeks they've been late to the meeting or moved it or cancelled it completely. They keep telling me if I need help, let them know and they will get me the help I need no questions asked.

The one time I ask for help they have done literally nothing.

Glad it is so important to them.

Quote of the day: "This is essentially a layer 8 problem of users feelings."

😂

How my day went.

Project Manager: We need deliverable X.

Me: That's not listed.

PM: But we need it. Other PM says what you provided isn't enough.

Me: Too bad. I was not told to deliver it.

PM2: We need deliverable X.

Me: Look at the requirements. It is not there. I'm not providing it.

PM2: We need it. Let me ask PM3.

PM3: We need deliverable X.

Me: No. It's not listed. And here's why it's not even applicable.

PM3: Oh....ok

Why the fuck does a company put such crappy antivirus software on your PC you can't even compile code.

Amazing feature. Much wow.

User: "I emailed my spreadsheet to a colleague. Why can't I see their updates in mine?"

Please just kill me now.

The layout system for WPF fucking sucks.

I have to rewrite a good chunk of logic because it is too hard for any one of 4 people to complete a 5 minute job within 7 days.

I hate users.

self.spawnChild()

Senior leadership: "We've had great feedback that these short, quick meetings are highly valuable, so we are going to make them longer."

Why is my CSS not working?

*adds !important*

Ah much better.

The developer's conundrum:

Do I fix the issue before a user encounters it...

Or do I wait for a user to contact me and then quickly fix it so they think I am super helpful.

How my year has gone so far...

Management: Bobby, we are replacing your old hammer.
Me: Ok cool.
Management: Well actually there's so much going on...here is a wrench instead.
Me: But, this isn't a hammer.
Management: Yes we are aware but we are busy and cannot buy a hammer for a several more months.
Me: How the fuck am I suppose to hammer nails with this?
Management: Oh gosh you are right. That sounds difficult. We will grind down one side of it so you have a flat surface to hammer in those nails.

Management: Oh and by the way, those nails are super important so don't screw anything up.

When I was learning to program nearly 15 my years ago I was incorrectly lead to believe that dividing by zero would be a much more common problem.

I hate updating my resume.

Does this mean I win?

One of the most rude things you can do to an open source project is immediately question why they use a specific (language, toolkit, gui, build system, etc) and suggest they use something entirely different simply because it is "better".

Like I can't even compare it to something a normal non-technical person would understand.

It's not even a preference thing like what car you drive or iPhone vs Android.

I've literally donated hundreds and hundreds of hours of my time and you get the benefit of using the software free of charge and then you have the balls to question what I've given you.

"Hey Bobby, can you do XYZ for me? I can do it myself but it's such a pain in the ass"

So why the fuck would I do it if you can do it yourself? Guess what it's a pain in the ass for me too! And it's not even my problem!

As dumb and childish as it is...

I really fucking love seeing those cheesy achievement badges on my GitHub profile.

I had 19 views on my GitHub repo yesterday. Today...wtf!?!

And almost tripled my star count.

Company: Bobby you saved the company millions of dollars this year!!! Great job.

Me: So...how about that extra 2k per year raise.

Company: Um well it just doesn't seem to be in our budget this year.

I hate git submodules.

I have 69 followers on GitHub. You could say I'm kind of a big deal.

So like, are you implying the chef will come to my house?

Every time I have a large code base...

When you manage updating numerous 3rd party libraries by hand, git submodules sound like the greatest thing ever.

Replace all 3rd party sources with git submodules.

Realize how much of a pain in the ass they are and managing them yourself seems totally worth it again.

Replace submodules with folders of the 3rd party libraries.

Repeat...

How to make your employees feel like shit 101:

Continually praise a small group of people for doing something for a few days that someone else does as their full time job. Call what that team did "unlike anything else in the software development world"

I am soooo fucking pissed right now. You can guess what side of this I am on.