40
noyb
2y

OK.
1. So i tindered.
2. I got a really nice girl.
3. We chatted really long and good.
4. We tried to meetup it did not work because of our schedule. New
job on my end, she is a student.
5. I thought its over. Fine whatever.
6. She gives me her number.
7. We continue chat on whatsapp
8. Blablabla 3 days long, she gets bored and tries to friendzone me
9. I revert the shit and state i wanna be serious and there wont be a
friendzone/nice guy comin from me.
10. She happy and continues to chat.
11. I get emtionally invested in her.
12. We exchange thoughts dreams and music.
13 We want to meetup at weekend. I cant. Got a family wedding all
weekend.
14. We want to meetup the second week.
I cant. Im off on a company trip. Again new job here.
15. So we say in the week after I get back.
15a. Before the weekend we need to deliver an rc and go all out to hold
the deadline.
15b. We deliver, but shit happens on the customer side. His fault but we
get the blame.
15c I go onto the company trip.
16. We chat and i send her pictures of the trip over the weekend so she
sees I care.
17. She seems fine. And happy.
18. I come back from the trip late night and need to work the next day
jetlag style.
19. I work jetlag style. And try to fix the shit from last week.
20. I come home really tired and looking forward to date day tomorrow.
21. I cant do anything. My home looks like shit and the bag still
unpacked. I just eat and fall asleep.
I feel bad bcs my home will turn her down instantly if we make it to my
place.
Need to hope that it does not come to this.
22. Date day comes. Today.
23. I wake up at 6 early to plan ahead to make sure my clothes are fine
and i arrive on time in the office to exit early.
24. I expect to check what goes on today in the city and give her the
location to meet and time.
25. I enter office and immeadetly get caught up in meeting planning, dev
questions and the meeting itself because the project is on edge.
26. We have a 5hours long meeting where people go on and on and on.
27. 3h later in the meeting:
my brain was fried and around 12 i go to lunch with some people.
28. Meanwhile the city is turning into a rainy mess of a shitty day. No
way I can have a nice walk with her like that. Bars and coffeshops are
just to boring.
29. So i eat to regain some sense and we go back to the office.
Meanwhile I am thinking all kinds of locations and stuff in my head.
30. Havent given her any update since a good morning in the morning.
31. We reenter the meeting. Things continue like before. The project is
on impossible demands and impossible timelines. Still we try to do our
best.
32 3h later on 3pm I tell her i am in a long meeting and working on a
meetingspot.
33. shes not happy.
34. I get a call from a relative
35. i need to go out and take the call. not good for the collegues.
again new job here.
36. family trouble,  money trouble, goverment demands. I promise to
handle that tomorrow. Before work.
37. i get back into the meeting.
38. still super slow and no results.
39. need to focus but start to check for locations on my phone.
40. she asks me where i am
41. I send her my location.
42. she thinks i am saying she should pick me up!
43 i joke and say no definitly not.
44. shes pissed.
45.  I decide for a coffeeshop. after work. and send her the location
46. She says to call it off.
47. I go all in and go romance style. I say ill wait there even if she
does not come to show her how much i care.
U know to avoid the lets do it some other time fuckery and then it never
happens.
47. She goes quiet.
48. 2h later we finish the meeting. Meanwhile QA foudn a bug we need to
fix because why not.
49. I got 30 minutes to find the bug and fix it before I need to go to
uphold my word.
50. I find out what to do, but it might break a lot of other things
without careful test and implementation. Collegues says he takes it.
51 I feel bad but I need to go. I even leave earlier because otherwise I
would not be on time.
52. I arrive 15 minutes early. I grab two coffee2go and wait outside,
53. Shitty weather, sometimes rain, sometimes sunny, cant decide what it
wants.
54. The weather is just like how I feel.
55. I wait 1 1/2h
56. I think I should feel stupid, For gods sake its tinder. People dont
give a crap, Enough people around why should I Invest so much into this?
But I dont feel stupid. Because this is how I want it. I dont want
appointments, I dont want safety. I decided for her and I went all in.
57. I send her pics from the sceneray as proof that I waited,
58. I think I blew it. She is still quiet.
59. Friends are asking me for plans for the weekend. I wish I could say
I already have some with her.
60. I feel lost right now. But my head says I put too much stress on
her, And i fucked up with the planning. I should have been more precise.
My head also says that i am putting myself into the victim role, which
is wrong always. Should I continue to reach out to her? Is there
something I could do still?

Comments
  • 16
    Sorry to say, but 24, 30 and 43 killed it in combination
  • 16
    If she was looking for some one that had time for her she knows that you dont. Its probably not about you. Just the situation.

    Go back fishing if you wish at one point but dont be the insistent creep. Also your job seems to suck. No offense but unless your being payed overtime you seem to do a lot more than a 9 to 5.
  • 6
    And bl. I forgot to show empathy. Thats my homework from my problems at home -_-.
  • 7
    First impressions last a lifetime. I don't think there's a way to recover from *that*
  • 8
    @12bitfloat i disagree. The right thing at the right moment with a little sprinkle of luck and things are back on track. But the number of tties are limited. You probably have 1 try left.

    My strat would be. If she really enjoyed the talks and it lasted for a certain number of weeks. She has you on your mind. Give it a week so she misses your messages and she processes her dissapointment. Then you work your magic. But you jave only max 1 chance imo.
  • 15
    @Santaclauze If I read it correctly, he stood her up 4 or 5 times. I was surprised she lasted this long
  • 7
    Damn, this rant was really tiresome to read. But I really hoped for a better ending.

    Don't you worry. She, being a college kid, didn't deserve someone sincere like you. Her loss, not yours. By the way, don't commit to anything you can't uphold
  • 4
    @12bitfloat thats why i think he has a ladt chance because she obviously cared.
  • 3
    @asgs Shes actually quite mature. Not young or anything. I have the impression she already knows what she wants and thats good.

    I think I just underestimated date day planning in the last days and today shit went wrong really fast.
    I am close to writing her now but wont. Cant see myself getting my head straight for tomorrows onslaught work though. Need to get a lot of shit done tomorrow. And everything is tight and critical and people expect me to deliver.
    I also expect lots of bs talks tomorrow.
  • 12
    So you wanted to make it special huh ?

    Why not honey I got not much time but we can grab a lunch together here and there and see what happens?

    Sometimes 15 minutes is better then 4 hours.

    Digital age people ...
  • 3
    @vane yeah i am also at fault here. I kinda like it if shes not easy to get. But yeah she got bored, i almost got friendzoned. Life came inbetween. And now we got ourselvees a situation...
  • 3
    @noyb From my perspective you blew it in 42. She cared to this point and believed you.

    Say you were pathetic prick who didn’t value her time because he was to busy working in some shitty project instead of meeting woman of his life and ask her to hang out with your friends ( if there are females there ).
  • 3
    @vane I have something like that ready. But she is still quiet. No message no nothing. And i already made a fool of myself. I dont know if she even wants to hear from me anymore. Should i just write her now as a hail mary?
  • 4
    @noyb I’d say give her some time to breath.

    Don’t write something like this right away, no woman will believe you that you know what you did wrong when you write it right away. She might even take that as offensive threatening.

    Wait a day or two so she know you thought about what you did wrong.

    Relationships are about patience, she’s very patient and I see you’re not.

    It’s hard to believe in times when we are bombarded with lots of news but patience is always key to success.
  • 4
    @vane Thx man. Usually I am patient. But with her right now I am fucked.
  • 2
    @noyb Good Luck !
  • 7
    Why did you arrange to meet her on a workday and not just meet for drinks on an evening when you were both free? You stood her up so many times that she thinks you're mocking her. Also, how would this work out? She's a student with tons of free time and you're a professional with limited free time. I'd say let it go, she's probably dating some college boy by now. Chatting for weeks online before meeting in person is never a good strategy.
  • 4
    I reckon a good working title for this story is, "Superman Drops Lois Lane Escaping from Clusterfuck." Go easy on yourself.
  • 5
    Small things like saying "good morning" or just updating what and how are you doing is what makes men and women stay. People want to feel that they're special to you. You can always find time doing these kind of things, always.
  • 3
    @noyb it sounds like you are a one woman man. i appreciate that, it means you have a heart.

    but i think the right way to find a special one is to not consider anyone a special one until there's a relationship.

    i'm not saying cheat on people. in fact, once a relationship has been clearly stablished, you should cancel every other romantic interest.

    what i am saying though is until you are in a relationship, don't lock on a single girl. always, always be invested in multiple girls.

    when you are young, you get easily dazed by girls that show up in your life that seem very special.

    but as you grow older and meet more women, you get more skeptic and tell easier between someone that could be a good tinder and someone who is truly special.

    i'm saying because, judging from your writing, there's a chance you might have been way more invested in a relationship than she was.

    but i could be wrong
  • 4
    My feeling is she feels extremely disappointed that you're only offering to meet her in a coffeehouse.
    After waiting all that time for you?
    You had time to plan something out, not the day of! You effed up by telling her you didn't have a plan. You should've been trying to make it up to her for waiting. You had the opportunity to plan a surprise and tell her "I planned out a nice surprise for us and I can't wait for you to check it out" or something.
    Instead, you dropped the ball and best you can do is a coffeehouse which isn't really worth it for her. I'm sure if she likes coffee, she goes there whenever she feels like.

    Advice right now is to apologize if you haven't, acknowledge you've been stressed and appreciate her, and you want to make it up for her by doing something fun and you already have it planned and just need to know what day works. (You don't actually have to have it 100% ready, but please no basic dates). Then, just wait for her reply and if 2 weeks go by move on
  • 5
    @PyroHornet also, don't shoot someone down if they offer to come get you. Tell them that you appreciate the offer but that's not what you meant... Or say that you were planning to pick her up but either way works too. She was trying to actively make this happen and played her part. But again.. a coffeehouse after waiting for a while is kind of minimum. You got a rare woman trying to make things happen but it looks like you aren't making the same effort. She just gave up on you...
    Only way to fix it is to make an actual arrangement worth her time. Make her feel like you actually give a damn. A coffeehouse and waiting last minute feels like a crappy deal from all the time she invested in you
  • 5
    To be honest, a lot of those points seemed like excuses, almost to a point where you subconsciously apprehended meeting her, delaying it until you felt more comfortable. You did make time to solve other problems in your life, and you kept pushing meeting her all the time. In her mind you don't consider her important. One thing I learned in life is that if you really want to do something then there is always time to, be it 5 minutes or 5 hours.
  • 1
    @PyroHornet Actually we agreed we wanted to have something simple. Nothing fancy for the first time. I wanted to have nice walk with her and lead her to a nice spot outside and away. But the weather fucked me at the day hardcore and I could not find a better solution. I made the mistake of thinking that we would be fine if we just meet. But yes eventually she felt underappreciated and dissapointed. Also because we already chatted for so long, chicken out wasnt an option. Best thing would have been to abort but I felt that would be it, without even trying.
    Now the question is: is it over? should I wait? or contact her immeadiatly and apologize? We both have our work cut out for each other this week. She has exams and I have the edge project plus family matters to take care of. How much can she invest in me still?πŸ˜…
  • 0
    @noyb @PyroHornet
    Also she did not offer to pick me up. She thought i wanted her to do that. That was just a misunderstanding ehich escalated it additionally
  • 0
    Funny thing. Theres a huge music and arts festival coming up in the city from today til end of week. And tickets for it left are only online. So i say alrite fuck it, she wants something special, i give her the whole city for the weekend. I want to buy the damn expensive tickets. Payment only with visa mastercard. Bad feeling:(. I checkout, payment field popups, i enter the credentials. Processing. Failed ! X(. I havent registered for secureid or whatever the fuck. And delivery of the code is within 4 days on signup. Fuck my life.
  • 4
    You obviously have no time for a relationship. Sort that out first before pissing people about. If I was her, I would have turned up, late and poured the cold coffee over your head.
  • 2
    @noyb Man, you are extremely unreliable. Before you look for another girl, do try to get your life in order so that you have stable work hours and actual life after work. Do not promise what you aren't 100% sure that you can deliver; at least do not do this at first date when she isn't hooked yet (no, chatting isn't big enough hook to blow it so many times). Your date does not have to be in special place or doing something "not boring"; most aren't.
  • 1
    3. She thinks static types are silver bullet
    4. Ok bye
  • 1
    On a serious note, after trying to build something up like 5 times with different girls I give up. For me it’s all fun and games maybe like first month but later I just can’t stand her. I just don’t feel good around people and I’m genuinely happy alone.

    Relationship seems good only when you’re desperate for girls' attention. As soon as you fulfill this or realize you don’t need it at all, you can understand that relationship has its downsides.

    Not being in a relationship doesn’t make you a loser by any means.
  • 3
    My longest relationship was 3 years. Day after day I suffered trying to convince myself like if people love together for like 25 years why can’t I. That relationship was hell and lead to my depression that I now cure with pills and expensive therapy.

    As for sex, when I got plenty of it I realized that I don’t enjoy it that much. It’s definitely not a holy grail like media portrays it. It’s like eating donuts, it’s tasty but you probably wouldn’t like eating 25 a day and you don’t enjoy them if you got plenty.

    What I’m trying to say that relationship is overrated and there are people that don’t enjoy it at all even though getting attention and sex
  • 1
    So I'd recommend that you try and take advantage of something else not necessarily a festival. There's tons of events, literally just Google "events near me" or check out Groupon and do something. And if you haven't tried calling her, call her. Tell her you've really been looking forward to seeing her and you had something more special set up but it was raining that day. Then drop a suggestion she join you for event X (whatever you want) or thing Y like idk. Indoor skydiving? Axe throwing? Gun range? Trampoline? Laser tag? Fishing? It doesn't matter as long as it's something fun. Don't rely on a movie date because that's basic stuff... So show her you can come up with something creative. Idk. A fucking picnic at the park and a stereo, and some sort of game? Twister at the park?. Idk. Don't message her with your head down. Apologize but keep your head up and say you've been really eager to see her. Heck. Maybe even just visit her at her place
  • 1
    Could you please explain 9 in detail xD
  • 1
    I have no real advice, things happen. I simply loved your story! Cheer up lil pup.
  • 3
    You either meet up this week or not. I only read excuses. So what if the weather is bad, just meet up, decide together what to do, even if its dropping in the nearest coffee bar and spent 30min.

    I mean writing this 100 step essay probally took atleast an hour. An hour you could go to her.

    If you and her dont have time now, it either means that both of you dont have time to even sustain the relationship after the date, let alone just date. Or the priorities are such that you two dont value eachother more important than the other tasks.

    Another tip, dont make the girl special. I think everyone is like that when they are young (and desperate) but a relationship happens without much effort. Sometimes its not ment to be
  • 2
    Well guys she answered back. Still pissed and almost done with me. Weirdly she hasnt called me off completly and said she is interested in me but confused. Wont be able to get her to meet me, where i am fairly sure i might be able to resolve all. Ill try to call her tonight. Lets see how that goes.

    Btw thanks for all your support here guys. Also to those who seem pissed with me here as well ^^.
  • 0
    @jareish i dont know where she lives man. And I wrote here after i came back waiting for her 1 1/2h. I can see where u are coming from and that was exactly what i wanted to do in the first place dude.
  • 1
    @RanSS9 Thanks. I was down, yes. But I am ok now. It helped writing it here to clear my mind. Thanks.
  • 0
    @iCanCode

    πŸ˜… Tell her u know and that tinder is boring. State clearly there is not gonna be anything else than her and you. Either that or nothing.

    I fucked up on the last part as i see now. But yeah thats how you get that out of her mind. Directly.
  • 1
    Why the hard wrapping? Makes it hard to read
  • 1
    By the way, woman protocol, you now have to buy her flowers for when you see her to say I'm sorry. It shows you give a s***.

    Tell her you want to meet her more than do anything else, and promise to better coordinate and plan with her so that neither is upset when something is cancelled i.e. plan B for an outdoor event when it is raining.

    Or you could call and talk to her whenever you can't actually meet. Women don't want just text all the time. You could video conference. Say how much you want to be there talking to her than spend another minute at work. Make her feel special
  • 2
    You said you tried to call her. So.... How DID that go?
  • 3
    I dont know how guys...but I just had a date with her😁. I managed to get the call right and get through to her. At the very least she wanted to meet me very much as well. So my goal was to not fuck up. And I didnt and I had the date today and it went well. She seems pleased.😁

    Now the thing is this: she seems fair ginuine, stable and serious. We promised a 2nd date πŸ™Œ

    I keep u posted. Because if that fails. You guys can punch me or need to get me back on my feet πŸ˜… I am going home now and will play some zelda.πŸ˜™
  • 2
    @PyroHornet Yep I did it kinda like that. But becareful with vid calls. It puts stress to a woman to to look good. And if you mess up ur angle you look like shit. Plus the added unreliability of vid calls can create frustration. A normal call we did and it was fine. I went out from the office prolonged my lunchbreak and used that to find a nice spot where i could talk to her. That workedπŸ˜…
  • 3
    Congrats man, you are lucky, she really likes you. But go on a real date for your second date, don't try to sneak her in your lunch break.
  • 3
    @jsframework9000 thanks man. But no i just had the call in the lunchbreak. Today is saturday. I was out with her on a real one already πŸ˜…πŸ™Œ.
  • 1
    Progress?
  • 1
    I’m amazed tinder actually worked. I just find abandoned accounts, scams, and cam girls.
  • 3
    @PyroHornet Thanks for the interest. :) First date successfull, second date incoming this week. Constant calls every night.
    Seems legit. Although slow but she seems serious bout me...
    Did not expect all that...
  • 1
    @RanSS9 Hmmm how u know they are scams and abandoned? I dont swipe right for a gold digger type or someone who openly says shes in for ons. Imagine the flood of men flocking to her. That was all. Most girls then just are either in or dont swipe right for me.
  • 0
    @noyb I wrote a whole article but it was too long so I don’t give two shits for explaining my experiences now. I’m no idiot it’s clear when accounts are abandoned, when account is scam and when cam girls want your paper. I’ve met few real quality women compared to the rest. Experimented on many apps and if the app is free and popular this number of non quality prospects goes up drastically. I literally swipe whatever is the yes/accept/like button in everyone just to chat because I’m not looking for anything so why not have it all. It’s literally just an experiment for me. Across many dating apps.
  • 0
    @noyb Maybe the culture in your geo location area is more active and genuine or you got lucky bruv. These apps are known for these issues. I enjoy 3fun a lot. 100% users so far have been real and quick to say hello and converse like a human. Not shoving sex and links at you. Many tinder accounts also admit they don’t get on or friends made it for them. Some link other social media and hardly use their tinder. Many girls just don’t use it. Switch to the gay side and it goes nuts with activity,response&freesex.
  • 1
    I’ve concluded if you want to meet desirable women in my area in my age range. Your better off at bars/clubs rather than tinder/ dating apps. Or just some outting event/place you can go with your buddies and meet groups of girls face to face. I’m not saying it can’t be done most people I know don’t even mess with it. Everyone I know linked up face to face and usually thru mutual contacts. The dudes I know using tinder are paying for sex. I find more of the genuine girls in work, at bars, raves, meetups, nonprofit events, school etc. and no girl I know in person and I know a good double hand full of em really dedicate to using their tinder out here in TX. But males are crazy on it. Might be why girls left lol. Anyway I’m glad it’s working for you. I’ve found 3fun to be great... for now. The gym is also a fair place to meet girls here.
  • 1
    @RanSS9 But thats good man
    I started tinder because 1. I dont have so much time and endurance to do the bar/club game. i started to use tinder as a means to quickly get my head out of one task and switch to the other. And on commute as i dont play games or read books. πŸ˜…

    Meeting ppl outside did not work very well for me though
  • 1
    @noyb that’s great I’m not knocking you or tinder. By all means enjoy it and I’m happy for you.
  • 0
    @RanSS9 Np dude did nt took it negatively. Really enjoying sharing the struggles with u guys and conversing bout it. Thanks!
  • 2
    I personally find online dating to be a waste of time. I'm not a half bad looking guy either. But it has literally annihilated my confidence because I simply don't get any likes at all
  • 2
  • 2
    About 5 years ago. Anywhere in between you'd expect Tinder to work. Unfortunately, the algorithm favors white or rich looking guys who looked ripped and the few women actually using the app that are half decent
  • 1
    @PyroHornet go for those kind of guys most of the time
  • 1
    In some parts of the world the game is disproportionally rigged. Look at china and the problems there of men not finding women if they dont have spcial status e.g. no app nor tech solutuon can uppend that in the end because it is a social problem in the end. Hence playing the game by the same tools used in other regions does not work. Making urself bad or low from that is therefore unnecessary and counter productive. It took me a long time to figure that out and get peace with my self. Get a dog, play a guitar and project urself to be the best man u can be. Btw. U look good dude dont fret, make urself shine by what u like.
  • 2
    Noyb, updates, please! I've read all the posts. It's very interesting and I'm fascinated to see where things go. And I mean where things go with you, regardelss of your relationship status. With all the stress you've been through, you may have a realisation about life or yourself or your place in the world. Or absolutely nothing at all...;`] That's part of life I found. Sometimes it's nothing at all. And that I find exciting in its own way. And yes, I know I'm weird and a total freak. But allow me one question: do you think the world is normal? Then why the fuck should I behave normally. That's not directed at you, but simply one of my credos...
  • 1
    @bols59 yeah man!!! If I'm not getting laid, I hope my brother is!
  • 0
    @PyroHornet I wouldn't kick either of you out of bed, TBH. I'm just interested in following this because I've always rushed things in relationships and that can really mess up the chances of success, if they are there at all.
  • 2
    @bols59 I am seeing the girl now. Dating regularly and calling in between. Thanks for the interest xD

    So far its a work in progress and i mean its work. We had misunderstandings and clashings with different expectations but there is still interests and growing strong.

    I cant say we are through the storm or It might be that we wont ever. But she is challenging me to open up which i think is good.

    Basically what we are doing is managing our life to keep it going and then talking a lot about everything and daily antics via phone if not possible in Person which is most of the time thougj. Lots of feelings and thoughts. But when we are 2gether we talk less and make out a lot. xD

    Being
    Funny thoughtful and listening and being positive in general helps keeping us going.
  • 1
    You gotta make a book or novel out of all this. Just scrolling down and down and down. It's also great to see that it's going somewhere at a nice, normal pace. The best of luck to you and I'll check back often for updates.
  • 0
    Damn.
  • 0
    Guys to wrap it up. She wasnt worth it.
    She was playing me and trying to make me her slave by coming up with stupid demands and insults. Basically in the end she did not knew what she wanted, and was just wasting my time.

    I Deleted the match and blocked her on phone.

    I am not angry though it was a good lesson. Now had some other girls and got one good.

    Play fair guys but dont sell yourself short. And dont chip in if she isnt worth it. Dont chip in if u see her life and see that she is not taking care of herself right. She wont take care of you neither.
  • 0
    @noyb damn the heck happened
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