It hurts man, it fucking hurts

I feel like I'm a ghost, like im not there. I don't really exist

I try to be better, actually doing something, anything. I really do. But nothing changes. So many times have I decided to finally make the change. This time I'm really gonna make it out of here. Yet I'm still here. Not one thing has changed. I'm still a shell of a person

It really fucking hurts
I just want to exist

I know tomorrow I will be talking about my dumb fucking scripting language again. Or my dumb fucking ui bullshit or the fucking game engine

I fucking hate you, me. I do this to myself, that's what really hurts. But all this fucking tech bullshit is the only thing I can get into my thick skull

Tomorrow I will be as naive and childish as always. Just happily working on some fucking shit that will never release anyway. I won't try to change eventhough I know how much it hurts me on the inside

psychodelics can help
order some mycelium online and grow some shrooms

@heyheni Not really into drugs except hard alcohol

@12bitfloat me neither but 2 lsd trips helped me more than 4 years of psychotherapy. It helps seeing things differently and you get a nice talk with your self. You find out what is important in life and especially the things you don't want anymore. And the depression is gone for at least two weeks afterwards. Psychodelics aren't party drugs.

@heyheni Thanks for the advice. I guess it's worth a try. But I wouldn't know where to get something like that

Are you me?

@heyheni ah yes, putting random drugs in a fragile brain outside of a controlled environment. What could possibly go wrong.

@endor Knowing me, a lot

@12bitfloat magic mushrooms mycelium you can buy with just one google search. As it's just semen it doesn't contain any illegal substance. You grow it your self.

@endor it goes without saying that your own research, a good setting and a good mood with good amount sleep is required. Shrooms only work for 4-5 hours. LSD for 24 hours. Magic mushrooms are the safest drug there is.

@heyheni I'm not talking about the direct health risks, I'm talking about the survivor bias that almost everyone forgets about or shoves under the rug with the classic "do your own research".

Throwing psychedelics (or any other drug for that matter - alcohool included) into a brain in a fragile state can have terrible long-term consequences. And since almost none of the people suggesting/trying this are qualified neurobiologists, the scientific value of that advice is absolute zero.
The fact that it worked *for you* is just anecdotal evidence. For all you know, you just got lucky.

Whenever I hear someone giving this kind of advice, what I hear is: "Hey, try this thing - *maybe* you *might* be fine afterwards, but *probably* you'll just end up falling deeper into the abyss and fuck up your brain even further. But don't worry! I totally got lucky with it!"

Even *if* there were an ounce of truth in it, the pros don't outweigh the risks involved.

@heyheni put another way: if it *did* actually work so well for everyone, and we knew exactly how to set up a controlled treatment, we'd have doctors prescribing it on a regular basis.

What we have for now is at most some experimental trials, and even those are still flaky on their methodologies and results.

So telling a random person to buy some drugs of unknown quality and telling them to figure out on their own which ones to pick, how and when to take them, and in what doses, is equivalent to suggesting them to play russian roulette.

@sweetnothings I appreciate the amount of effort you put into that

On top of what @rutee07 said (look at that, number twins), I must say the pandemic even helps on that matter. Now more than ever it's easier to get remote doctor appointments. You can "easily" get a psychiatrist or a psychologist to talk to, without having all the hassle of leaving home.

Search for professionals on your health guide and talk to them. Someone will be able to get you an appointment and you'll start that in no time! :)

@12bitfloat check out some of the talks that Alan Watts has on YouTube. He has written many books as well. Very relevant to how you are feeling.

@heyheni I would not advise using psychedelics for curing oneself just like that. That may work, but may backfire as well and make things even worse.

Psychededelics open some doors that you never knew even to exist, but the harder part is controlling what gets through, and how to close them. Especially for people who don't have any sort of spiritual / non-materialist world view.

@endor @heyheni I can't talk for psychedelics like shrooms, but I smoke weed and wanted to add a few things based on my experience with that.

Firstly it does deffinately help you see things from another perspective and have a talk with yourself, however the key word here is it *helps* you, it won't be something that just happens.

Secondly taking drugs outside of a controlled environment can be risky. I don't have depression but I occasionally have episodes of feeling really depressed for a week or so. In my experience, weed can help, and I've learned how to use it in a way which will, however that did take some experimenting with as some times it can make my mood go the wrong way. It all depends on dose, your mood, what you're expecting and other things. I've had times where even the song I'm listening to is changing my mood.

I know someone who does have depression, and smokes regularly. She says it helps but she also spends a lot of money on it, and that's another thing you need to

be careful of, not abusing it constantly. If you want to try it, make sure it's only an occasional or one time thing, I probably wouldn't recommend it if you have an addictive personality.

Personally, I would say that if you felt comfortable with trying it, take a small dose and have a close friend with you/ close by, as well as upbeat music that you like. You'd rather feel nothing and be able to try again than have an experience too intense. If you're unsure about it I wouldn't recommend it. Either do enough research that you're sure or don't try it, as going into it worried will only make things harder in you.

And finally, even if you are comfortable with it, I still would reccomend doing some research. There are plenty of websites that give information about drugs (talk to Frank is normally a good place to start) and it's always best to go into it with a rough idea of what will happen.

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to condone the use of drugs, I just want to provide unbiased info.