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It saved me from suicide.

You have to understand first that things in India work differently. Academics are not personal, but a social business. Academic competition in India is very high and not in a good way, or for the good reasons.

As a teenager was sent off from my home to the other side of the country. I didn't like it. My studies suffered, and I failed my exams. Came back home and faced months of emotional abuse (guilt trips, scornful comments, plain insults) from my parents, neighbours and relatives. Indian society is just built that way. They didn't know they were damaging my psyche, or they were too angry to care. Lots of other shit (lost friends, lost love) happened at roughly the same time period and everything started to fall like dominos.

I fell into severe depression. Lost appetite, lost sleep. Nothing mattered anymore. There were mornings when I would wake up and not get up from my bed for hours, and not even move a finger. Self-hate became the motto of the day. I became violent and anti-social. I would either be angry or trying not to break down and give up all the time. Many a night, I considered suicide. I would end up googling for easy ways out to take.

But what gave me a way out of the pains of my reality was programming. It helped my keep my head, figuratively and literally. It kept my mind distracted and gave me a sense of purpose. I would shut myself in, plug in my headphones, shut the world out and just experiment.

I am not saying that I am the best at what I do, but those sleepless and troubled nights, and many other similar nights over the years have given me a definite edge over my colleagues.

Even today, when everything is falling to pieces, I know I have something to fall back on. I still get episodes of depression every now and then, but I know I can always pick up a new project and distract myself. It probably isn't healthy, but eh...

I am alive. I code. I kick ass. My colleagues respect and value my opinion. I love my job.

Computer does what I tell it to do (mostly :p) and I feel good. Because for that small moment, I am in control of everything. For that infinitesimally small moment of my average, boring, and somewhat painful life, I am God.

Comments
  • 24
    Need advice now
  • 32
    Guys like you are a role model , to fight and live fr u dream, and to do war u like defines a person. #respect
  • 23
    Keep kicking ass!! You are worth it.
  • 28
    Last paragraph hit home :'(
  • 22
    Here, have a ++.
    *pets head*
  • 18
    I understand your feel buddy. Just another indian on the other side of the world. Let's roll ✌️
  • 19
    I share quite a similar story. I hate this obsession of indian society with marks, college tags, degrees, job titles etc. It's a new form of caste system. You never know how much harm can they do to someone.
  • 6
    I feel you, been thru something similar apart from living in India and leaving home.
    Leave your family, move to Europe or USA or Canada and just be happy.

    Visit a shrink too. You might ended up being bipolar or sth similar. I ended with bp.
  • 4
    If I can bookmark a rant in devrant, I would have bookmarked yours.
  • 4
    Can I add you on discord? If yes, my tag is nottoobright #8148. Would love to talk as I might be in a similar position.
  • 6
    Lots of respect brother...
  • 12
    I have the opposite story, I was a programmer before I was depressed and depression (and PTSD) impacted my programming heavily... I use to code at work, get home and code until bedtime almost every day and I loved it and was really really good. Now I can barely force myself to do coding at home and at work I need to take a lot of breaks and can't do nearly as much as I could... Nice to see the reverse in someone :)
  • 2
    never give up bro.🖒
  • 4
    Damn dude, you might have just become an inspiration to many @dfox I vote for this as the Twitter rant ( I know it probably won't matter )
  • 3
    @dotnetter u can use favorites
  • 1
    @dotnetter you can favorite it
  • 1
    @solecki you should go to the shrink. It's possible that you're not depressed (ok, depression as effect not as source of the problem). You might be ADD. Attention Deficit Disorder. Some mild stimulating pill (think like: Adderall) might have amazing effects on you.

    Wrll, I think I send many people to see a shrink, but it's hard to watch people struggle with similar problems than you and not suggest the solution that works for you.
  • 1
    This is great! Sometimes, I feel like it's the opposite for me though :p
  • 1
    @mt3o what is shrink?
  • 5
    When I posted this, I was a bit drunk. I usually don't open up, but alcohol really did lower my inhibitions. When I woke up the next day, I was a bit horrified to think what people might comment. Ah, introvert problems...

    When I went through the comments however, I was really overwhelmed by your support and love.

    Thank you, everyone - for your thoughts. It makes a huge difference to know that people care and understand where I am coming from, and to find that many of us went through similar experiences.

    Love you all.
  • 2
    I am Indian and i have the same story.. tried so hard to clear the competition.. failed dipressed but yhan i learnt programming.. and boy it is passion
  • 1
    Glad that everything turned up ok. It takes courage to do what you did. Keep being a rockstar!
  • 1
    @dfox Rant of the week..
  • 1
    Wow! My life was pretty much the same, except for the suicidal thoughts.
  • 1
    You got me at the god part.
  • 1
    @Bikonja you're describing a burn out... Just had one of those.. If so you need help
  • 1
    Can relate. There's a part of you in all of us
  • 2
    @RodrigoF it's not a burnout (which happens ocasionally as well), it's PTSD and depression. That really changes you...
  • 1
    I feel your pain, brother. I am so happy you found something you like in programming, and that you're still here with us today.
  • 1
    You are Simply right !!
    Like Torvalds says (but i think that almost every programmer thought about It at least One time)
    Coding speeds you up in the tech-users hierarchy , and makes you feel like a "superhero" in front of the keyboard, the only limit Is time, maybe...

    Edit: actually Torvalds said that you Can Be a Little-sized god :-)
  • 1
    Same thing is/has happened to me too. It sucks to not be in control of stuff. I am glad that you are feeling a bit better and in control. Lets just hope I feel the same way soon. Keep coding and don't give up.
  • 1
    Adversity makes us stronger than those who had it easy. Beautiful story!
  • 1
    you've got this man! code will always be there for you
  • 1
    I can honestly relate to every word of this. Good on you! Stay strong c:
    Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is actually to avoid it, especially if the problem is you. Coding saved me from my own brain and also melts the fucking thing ;) but it's code that makes my life fun again. Well done! :)
  • 1
    @RodrigoF @Bikonja what war if I may ask?
  • 1
    @RodrigoF jesus took me a while to figure out what you're talking about. People usually associate PTSD with war because it's the most common cause, but it's far from the only cause. Pretty much any trauma can cause PTSD. In my case, it was a terrible car crash... If you want more details drop me some other way to contact you. I don't have anything to hide, but I don't want to just publicly write about this. I've had enough of the public hearing about it...
  • 1
    It's good to know that it impacted your life in a positive manner.
  • 1
    Same.life.story. Indian too but from Malaysia. Keep coding. I don't care what you code. I don't care how you code. Just code.
  • 3
    Wrong country, but this is my life.... An exact copy...
  • 2
    I am indian too and I can totally relate to your story. ++ from me.
  • 1
    Don't let a piece of paper decide who you are. You are awesome. You know it. Keep coding.
    - Comes from another Indian engineer brother. ✌🏾
  • 1
    Same here dude.. I know how it feels..
  • 1
    I am depressed because I am studying software engineering and don't think that I am enjoying programming and I can't see any other option also.
  • 0
    Don’t worry such things aren’t only limited to Indian culture. I have been both physically and emotionally abused by my parents for about 5-6 years. During such times I too looked for ways of offing myself. But when I got into programming my overall outlook on life changed and now I’m much more happier.

    Thanks for sharing this story with us :) ++
  • 2
    Why is this under Jokes/Memes section tho 🤔
  • 0
    I am in a very low state at the moment because of the project I am working on, more so the chosen platform (Dynamics CRM), I feel I have no control over what it's doing despite my best efforts.

    Your story has made me feel like light will be at the end of the tunnel, I just wish Dynamics would just fuck off.
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