Do all the things like ++ or -- rants, post your own rants, comment on others' rants and build your customized dev avatarSign Up
Get a devDuck
Rubber duck debugging has never been so cute! Get your favorite coding language devDuckBuy Now
Search - "depression"
It saved me from suicide.
You have to understand first that things in India work differently. Academics are not personal, but a social business. Academic competition in India is very high and not in a good way, or for the good reasons.
As a teenager was sent off from my home to the other side of the country. I didn't like it. My studies suffered, and I failed my exams. Came back home and faced months of emotional abuse (guilt trips, scornful comments, plain insults) from my parents, neighbours and relatives. Indian society is just built that way. They didn't know they were damaging my psyche, or they were too angry to care. Lots of other shit (lost friends, lost love) happened at roughly the same time period and everything started to fall like dominos.
I fell into severe depression. Lost appetite, lost sleep. Nothing mattered anymore. There were mornings when I would wake up and not get up from my bed for hours, and not even move a finger. Self-hate became the motto of the day. I became violent and anti-social. I would either be angry or trying not to break down and give up all the time. Many a night, I considered suicide. I would end up googling for easy ways out to take.
But what gave me a way out of the pains of my reality was programming. It helped my keep my head, figuratively and literally. It kept my mind distracted and gave me a sense of purpose. I would shut myself in, plug in my headphones, shut the world out and just experiment.
I am not saying that I am the best at what I do, but those sleepless and troubled nights, and many other similar nights over the years have given me a definite edge over my colleagues.
Even today, when everything is falling to pieces, I know I have something to fall back on. I still get episodes of depression every now and then, but I know I can always pick up a new project and distract myself. It probably isn't healthy, but eh...
I am alive. I code. I kick ass. My colleagues respect and value my opinion. I love my job.
Computer does what I tell it to do (mostly :p) and I feel good. Because for that small moment, I am in control of everything. For that infinitesimally small moment of my average, boring, and somewhat painful life, I am God.49
Made me laugh so hard thinking about how often a semi-colon has been my source of depression & self injury15
Not that much dev-related, but still...
I wish I had a way of decompiling the code of my life, correcting it and then compiling it. I was diagnosed with Depression yesterday and it has turned me absolutely empty. The kind of empty where you feel like you're a void.
I'll survive. I know that much. I also know that it's going to be even harder than it was before.
Just for lighting the mood. This is also my struggle.50
Dear fellow developer,
You are not alone. No matter what situation you have been, you are in, you might be, there definitely are people who can share your pain and joy on similar wave length. Here at devrant.
Odd one out?
Full of regrets?
You name it. All of us may not understand, sure. But there definitely will always be more than one person who will totally know what you are trying to say. Here at devrant only.
So whatever you are in, wherever you are and however you feel, just rant it out. 😄 And remember that we are one tap away from you.
For that devrant creators and most of all each and everyone of you have my eternal thank.73
git wife --better
"So what got you in to development and programming?"
Me: well. I needed something to new to help with my depression, stress and anger.
"Oh cool. Did it help?"
Me: yes... They're so much stronger now.4
Is devRant Just for rants?
I see such a Great community here that goes way beyond complaining about PMs and users (even though you're all right, usually). I've read comments about support for depression, Anxiety, people being supportive of woman and downvoting/commenting against the common sexism that we see on the internet every single day. We have fun, we all feel like friends even though we can remember only a few names and stumble uppon them once in a while. We mostly understand each other and it all feels like a huge family. It's a Great thing to help throughout all of the struggles I have daily in Life, and I bet many people here feel the same.
Thank you all so much for making devRant this Great community. Papa bless.13
Shutting down my company 😔,
Can't do it anymore,trying to do the best work for shit pay.
Clients haven't paid... Now I doubt I can even find 10 quid literally don't have 10 quid to my name right now 😔.
Burnt myself out ... I can't even concentrate on my work cause I'm stressing on everything...never ending spiral.... 😢
Going to just get a normal job ... Just lucky I have parents to go back to.
Running a dev company... Really amazing when things go well, it's unexplainable in fact but... Devastating when it doesn't 😞
You know when you break up with a girl you've been with for ages... Like how horrific ... That can be... This is literally worse .. I didn't think it was even possible...26
Learning a new technology:
6. Ohh, cool feature~4
Hey, wanna hear a disappointing stack?
- vanilla inline CSS
- shitty random legacy PHP
The author is NOT responsible nor liable for any injuries, mental health issues, sanitary problems, asexuality, crippling depression, triggered by this rant nor liable for any damaged walls, hurt animals or deaths.13
This might be a little off topic, but I just wanted to talk about this for a bit.
I know that quite a lot of devs aren't the happiest of people, and I've seen many of you discussing depression around here. It's great to have this platform be open about these issues.
Makes you remember that people aren't all that bad, a small conversation with another person could make your day a bit more bearable.
Also, don't forget to have an honest conversation with yourself sometimes. Cut yourself, and others, a bit of slack.
Don't let the big black dog grow too much. It will still be there, but don't let it engulf you in darkness. 💜19
Me: *listening to some random semi-obscure track on spotify, liking it, add it to playlist*
Come home, girlfriend playing the same track. "Yeah I've had that in my playlist for two weeks now". Our accounts are not linked in any way, and I only use Spotify on a PC at work, while my girlfriend only uses it at home.
It might just be coincidence, or us having similar tastes.
But the issue is that it's getting more and more difficult to know whether me and my girl are spiritually linked unique snowflake soulmates who are so perfectly in sync with each other, or whether an algorithm suggestively linked us both that song based on scraped location and behavior data.
And whether it matters. Maybe it matters. I don't know yet.
In twenty years maybe humans will be unsure whether it was a wonderful coincidence bordering on cosmic fate that you ran into your new love, or whether Google purposefully drove you towards the same lunch cafe at a specific time because it calculated that she was the perfect candidate to strengthen your susceptibility to advertisements over the coming decade.
Malicious AI will not come into lives bearing guns.
It will not instantly take all of our jobs and enslave us.
It will just know you better than you know yourself, it will know everyone around you better than you know them, and it will play incredible mind games. It will not be designed with malicious intent, just perfectly execute on top of the malicious systems we already have, and even arise as an emergent property within new systems.
It will rarely be clearly visible, but you will increasingly say to yourself: "That's odd, I was just thinking about that". It will detect depression from a smile, physical attraction from a glance, reliability from patterns in your voice and illness from the bloodflow in your cheeks.
It will not just make our cars autonomous, it will make our lives autonomous. It will protect us, decide for us, keep revenues and human satisfaction in a "balanced maximized" state, it will make everything feel easy, slightly abuse us, and when one of us suddenly crashes at 140 mph into depression, debt or addiction it will prove impossible to know whether the humans or the algorithms were at fault.
I'm incredibly afraid and excited about the coming 10 years.13
Depression + sad music =
Naming your variables "dying_sounds_fun" and names like that
Forget about it
Commit + push it
"Er... Nelson? You wanna go grab a beer?"
Fail + weird explanations BUT free beer so it's not a complete failure. I guess.5
Was struggling with depression and stress for an extended period. So, naturally, I had more sickdays than average.
However, I was still managing to overperform on my goals, so when it came time to discuss salary I was hopeful.
Didn't get a raise, not even a pat on the back. My manager told me he couldn't justify giving me the raise I had earned simply because I had had too many sick days. So my actual performance didn't count. Everybody else got raises though.
On a previous occasion he told me that I had to 'Learn what it means to have a job' and get my priorities straight. I told him I already had very little social life so I could spend what little energy I had on work. I tried to explain to him how depression works and he assured me he understood.
Yeah, right. My colleague with back problems, who suddenly couldn't walk, didn't get that treatment.
Depression is real. I'm so glad they ended up firing me so I could work for a place that cares.8
Guys I just wanted to thank you for giving me motivation! I suffer from chronical depression and it's really hard for me to start something and even harder to continue. But by reading your posts I get joy and motivation! #thankyou #motivation #devRantsaveslifes7
After a year and a half of unemployment and near depression, multiple rejections and turmoil from within my family, I finally got a job!
Never give up, just believe in yourself and in the universe.
Onwards and upwards!12
Depression is like email newsletters, nobody signed up for that shit and the unsubscribe link never works 🙈 fuck that 📧5
Don't develop depression, develop a personality instead, be more outgoing and outspoken, work out, dress better and make your life shit that goes beyond coding.
Tired of people in tech being this way. Everyone acts as if monkeying away on the keyboard makes them some sort of autistic genius that is too good for everyone else.
Some of you have the social skillset of a fucking potato.
You code dude. Most of you develop websites...chill the fuck out.52
Tanking World of Warcraft raids. I had severe depression and low self worth. I played the game all the time to cope. I decided to get good at tanking because I heard it was a challenge. I ended up getting fairly decent, started tanking raids and people would ask me on more and more raids saying I was a great tank.
This gave my self confidence a boost and I figured if I could do that (which everyone said was hard) I could get good at coding (which everyone also said was hard.)
Stopped playing wow, started coding all the time. Today I earn very, very decent money as a software dev. (and I don't have depression anymore)
Thanks World of Warcraft.13
Screwed Interview Hackerank.
Now remedy to getting out of the depression.
If you ever feel bad about life. Watch Pokemon episodes. Look at Ash and you'll be optimistic again. Seriously try it.9
Dear DevRant Users,
Thank you for being such an amazing group. You make me feel less shitty, more confident, and generally happier. You help me fight off the looming depression, keep me motivated, and help keep me focused on the of being the best programmer I can. Thank you.6
>Get hit by a wave of depression
>Question the reason for your existence
>Open laptop start coding as a distraction
>Discover/invent/learn something new
Hey that's nice!!! (wait for the next wave of depression)9
Friend calls, who never called in a decade.
Me : Hii...
F : Hey...I used this auto-liker on FB and I'm following......
ME : *Disconnect*
I felt anger and depression all at once.5
I’ve battled depressed I failed to realized I had for many years. I didn’t love myself, I forgot what it felt like to love myself, and then one day my life turned around out of the blue. I believe my turning point was when I realized that I wasn’t alone and that people did care about me. I just wasn’t motivated especially after almost losing my cousin to suicide 3-4 months back. It changed my DNA, my personality, everything about me changed until I told myself that I had enough.
Today marks the 4th month where I last had a cup of coffee, soda, or junk food in general because in all honesty it was just making my depression worse. Today also marks the 4th month I’ve been going to the gym without fail and I’ve now noticed how far I’ve come. I love myself more than ever now and I am VERY goal oriented as well. I have one more year left until I get my bachelors degree in Software Development and soon after I’ll go in for my Masters and who knows what I’ll do after that.
It’s all uphill from here and by sticking to my new routines I am feeling a lot better as the days and months pass.
Attached is my progress thus far, left is from when I felt at my lowest and right is the progress I’ve made so far with improving myself and where I am at now.
I love myself, I love those that love me, and I LOVE feeing AMAZING like I do now when I wake up every morning waiting to see what the day has in store for me 😄❤️38
That feel when pants that were large before I started programming now can't even fit above my waist.
Since I started programming and using GNU/Linux I've gotten fatter.
Im at the end of my studies and doing great, but when my clinical depression episodes kick in I forget how to take a piss correctly let alone write some code. I think I'l have a fun time when I get a job.15
I have never been so depressed in my life. Today I felt so sick, tired and numb.
I just want to add my 2 Cents to the all this GDPR chaos. Because I feel lots of you are missing the point here.
When reading here about GDPR I hear all kinds of fair statements of how flawed it is and how it's mainly hurting the small companies etc etc.
I agree, at this state GDPR might actually be doing more harm than good.
However, I don't think that is what it is about. It's about going in the right direction. If you read/look over the course of history we've had several technological revolutions. Industrial, renaissance. They all start the same:
"This technology is going to change everything, it's going to solve all our problems!" It's something holy. Something that shouldn't be touched or regulated, only embraced.
But as we all know it wasn't all that pretty.
Industrial revolution was hard super underpaid, dirty work. Children had to work too. People were getting sick. Lots of alcoholism, depression.
And what made the factories start taking better care of their employees? Regulation.
Once fines start to come, companies will have to adapt.
We have to learn and understand that these systems like government, company, capitalism. They're built for reasons. They all exist for reasons. And only when it is in balance, things will flourish.
So I encourage you all to stay as critical as you are, but to give it a chance. To have a bit of faith.
It might just turn into something worthwhile!
Thanks for reading!:)5
There are 3 types of questions.
Type 1 is a question that can easily be answered and mostly appears as the first result in Google.
Type 2 is a question that can be answered by stitching together various type 1 answers.
Type 3 is a question that has not been answered. It may be a bug you’ll have to find out about by reading an email chain 12 years ago or maybe a reason why epoll() doesn’t work on Linux VMs. There is no solid yes or no. You’ve most likely encountered this when reaching page 3 of your Google results and every link is purple (visited).
This is where depression and isolation hits. This is where you realize that if you can’t help yourself, no one else can (or has the experience and time to do so). This is where you must rely on your knowledge and infer an answer to your question pushing your concepts and theories to the extreme. If you solve this question, you’re solving it for someone else who may trek the same path later in the future. You’re solving it for the world!
If you’re willing to solve, attempting to solve, or even giving a reasonable inference about a type 3, you have a true engineering mindset.4
In these floods of anxiety and depression, coding is the only thing that is keeping me from sinking... <311
A day of an iOS developer life:
1. XCode crashed
2. XCode freeze
3. XCode "Jump to Definition" takes me to a different file that has the exact same variable name instead of jumping to the top of the file
4. XCode Storyboard designer throwing 1000000000 as UIStackView width on a newly created UIView
5. Heart attack
6. Lots of depression
just noticed devRant web has xcode as placeholder in the tags box lol devRant knows my pain T_T8
Sad to make my first post here a depressing one, but I really hope that some of you have some tips to help in this line of work.
If anyone of you suffer from depression, how do you cope with it? How do you keep yourself motivated and don't start this self-loathing that I'm currently in? Other than antidepressants or therapy (already have meds).
Why I'm asking is because I have a very tough time getting motivated these days and right now I really need to be most active. I need to do a lot of small and big stuff at my work and at the same time try to graduate from school. The deadline for my thesis is at the start of May, which surely seems far away now, but it does not feel like enough.
The more I understand the systems that I'm working with, the more I can see how much I may have f*cked everything up and I build this never-ending list of tasks for myself in my head to try and fix everything. Which leads to a complete lockup with anxiety and I can't get anything done.
I don't believe in myself or my code anymore. I'm afraid of pushing anything to production. I also don't have anyone else to help me with my work, as I'm the only developer in the company (we have a service provider where most of the big stuff happens).
To add to all this, I have been sick for the last 4 days.
I truly am in a bad place right now.22
Doctor: "How do you feel?"
Doctor: "And something other than that?"
Me: "More stress."
Doctor: "Depression maybe?"
Me: "No, I don't have time for that!"
Doctor: "You will have time for iron infusion next week though."
Depression update two.
Thanks for amazing support guys!
I have made decision to have a digital detox. Today I did have another bout of depression accompanied with a mild case of confused state of mind and suicidal thoughts. I have found the triggers(Social media and too much time spent on the internet.) I have lost a lot of weight too. From 68KG -> 46 KG in span of weeks. So I hope I will catch you soon after I recover from it.
Fuck depression. If anyone is having bouts of depression please contact your health-care provider or friends/family.
Love you all. ❤️🙏☺️11
Was on edge..
Had no job, no money, got kicked out by my family(what left of it) depression kicking in, desperately trying to do anything to hold on
Had studies, in automation and robotics and other software skills, but no time to find a company to work..
Decided to try working at burger King, I mean, was that or selling myself, so I got called passed the interview, ( quick info - 60% of young people in my country can't get a job, have to lie on their cv because they have too much skills (there's still that wrong idea that studies get you a job))
Have too much studies for the job, I have to sign a contract saying that I accept being underpaid (by the law I have to be paid under the minimal wage for my skills)
This triggers an alert on social employment center and I started to work for another company two days after as a front end developer and it dude.
Refused the bk, yup they weren't happy about it, but I mean who really wants to do a 1 year trainee flipping burgers...4
rant, but not an IT kind... okay, maybe not even a rant, more like depressive rambling:
in 3 days, I'll turn 29.
i'm living with my mom, in the apartment where I was born, in the room i've been living since I was born (with the exception of 2 attempts to move out which together lasted 9 months).
my theoretical monthly income should/could be around 4000€, based on my skills and experience.
but I'm a (manic)-depressive, chronically lonely idiot loser (and the manic phases come more and more rarely in recent years), so
my practical average monthly income fluctuates from 0 to about 200.
i am unable to keep a job for more than 4 months, so after being fired from about 20 or so of them since I was 18, it takes immense amounts of mental and emotional energy to even start looking for one now... so I usually don't.
i've been about 12000€ in debt for the past 8 or so years, half of which is just debt collector fees.
it's kinda funny, for years, i've been unable to solve a debt which theoretically amounts to 3 months of my theoretical achievable salary.
my father, who just left without a word of explanation when I was 18, has decided this is not viable anymore, so I'm supposed to move out by 10th of next month, "either to some cheap rooming house, or under the bridge, I don't care", as he put it.
I can't remember how it feels to exist a single hour without feeling existential dread and dreading each next day, not knowing what to do or if i'll even be able to try and do something, because this feeling is so strong that it often blocks me from being able to do anything. i just shiver most of the time that i'm awake, feeling like you feel few minutes before puking and crying at the same time. and that feeling is my "how are you?", "you know... normal".
i can't remember what it feels to feel any other way and can't even imagine it, and can't imagine that I'll ever achieve any less shit feeling.
literally all of my social contact consists of going out once to twice a month with the only 2 friends and 2 aquaintances I have who have the time and will to spend it with me.
oh, and hiding in my room, avoiding talking to my mom, because each time we talk she just reminds me what a piece of shit failure I am, and tells me how it's not that hard to change it, I just have to stop being lazy and start working for it.
she's... kind and caring about it, which somehow maybe makes it even worse.
i have about 10 almost complete game designs, each of them at least 50% more original and interesting (at least to me) than the things that are coming out for the past 10 years, being lauded as "the most original and unique".
I have been trying to make them, ANY of them, since I was 18, but I always lose all the drive and resolve and energy in like 4 months, because it's like trying to build a city on my own on a deserted island. too big for one person, but there was never anyone to help me. closest I ever got was one of my friends telling me "i've been thinking many times that i'd love to work on some project with you, if I had the time".
and second time, when I actually found an artist I was going to pay, and he was awesome, and after two weeks of me telling him how awesome what he does is and how it fits the project and my ideas perfectly, he backed out saying "i'm afraid I can't do the quality you require from me".
never ever in my life did I get actual help with something I actually wanted or tried to do.
i have no idea how it feels to have someone working with me on something I actually consider interesting and meaningful, on any of the things which I wanted to make, which made me learn programming.
I've learned graphics and animation and everything going into game making pipeline on my own because I realized nobody will ever help me, so I'll have to do all of it on my own.
I've tried to make a kickstarter once, but I started crying hysterically in the middle of writing it, because I felt like a begging piece of failure shit, even more than usual, so I deleted it.
most of people treat me like shit failure unworthy and undeserving of living, precisely as I myself know I deserve to be treated, because that's what I am, but when I ask for permission to kill myself, since I see no other solution to stop being a burden, they get angry at me that I'm just emotionally blackmailing them. when I afterwards ask them "so help me in any way to do any of the projects i want/need to do", they respond they've got no time for that.
when I talk about all of this, I get told to stop whining.
happy 29th birthday, me, a piece of shit who should've never survived this long, who should've never been born in the first place.
also, I know this is not the kind of crap that's supposed to be posted here, but i've got nowhere else. sorry.47
Some people say that they've built something with blood, sweat and tears. They've clearly never built anything serious. If they did, they'd know that it costs that, an unholy amount of alcoholic beverages to account for the crippling depression caused by the inevitable failures, and a shitton of cursing. FUCK!!9
Wan't to hear my ridiculous recruiter story? I am originally from MA, and been on a small town since I was 4 (Born in Brazil). Well after years and years on the same town, always going back (MA) when a job here and there wouldn't work out. Going through some depression, and just got tired of everything. Well one day I found a recruiter on linkedIn and he knew a friend of mine. So he said he had a possible job offer but it was in Florida, anyhow he would later contact me and in the mean time for me to send him some examples of my work. Well in the mean time I packed my stuff and called him letting him know I was on the way. He was shocked and didn't know what to say. Went to the interview with him, got the job. 9 months later :) I don't regret taking my changes, it was all I had. I'm currently employed, love my job, and if it wasn't for my ridiculous recruiter... I don't know where I would have ended up. Long story, sorry /: ... here is a potato :) (9gag reference)11
Had a 1:1 with my boss last night and together we figured out a tricky bug related to my PR. However, either my PR or that bug patch broke a tangentially-related test. Queue my usual exhaustion, and I gave up trying to fix it.
This morning, I'm looking at it and nothing makes sense. My change should not have broken the test. So I reran the controller's tests, and... they all pass?
What is logic.
Good thing, though; that test leads to a few rabbit holes I haven't even begun exploring yet.
Oh, never mind. It broke again.
Ergh, here we go. 😔11
Got rejected and humiliated during a job interview by a team leader. Depression hit me so hard that I began crying as soon as I got out of the company building. I feel like there's no place for a fucking noob like me.33
My devGoals for 2019 are:
- Move DNS blocking from hosts file to a PiHole (or similar) at home
- Implement a full HAL for some smol microcontroller in C
- Create better automation templates for testing, building & deployment for our Angular projects
- Get rid of crippling depression
- Force my boss away from firebase and google tools in general
- Spread the love for CraftCMS
- Spread more love in general (with protection of course) 😄3
After 9 months of my course that involved much fear, anxiety and depression, last night I had a great moment.
Learning about scrapers for my dissertation - watched 10 minutes of a tutorial video then thought of an idea and went away and an hour later had built a little program to read a restaurants menu on their website then read back what they had in the form of a poem - all in a language I hadn't used before that night.
The reason I learnt coding was that I idolised the idea of thinking of a problem and then just solving it with your own code. Last night was the first time I felt like I might be getting there.
p.s. Sorry this isn't very ranty.2
So i got a message on a job platform today from a recruiter. So far nothing unusual. But what he wrote was really disgusting. It was basically something like this:
"Since many engineers now lose their jobs in the covid-19 crises, rest assured that we are still hiring! I work for a large company blablablabla..."
So he tries to play with your fear of losing your job in the coming depression. It's also quite possible, that he will also try to negotiate a shit salary for you. Since at least you have safe job now, right?
Fucking disgusting pig.2
It doesn't feel good to be average at everything.
Life is depressing
I can't commit to anything hard enough to become the best.
I'm just average.
I feel bad
I feel like I'm a waste of resources.
I'm tired of ranting.
This life is just tiring.
I don't have the patience
I'm average at commitments.
I see other people code and sing better than me and feel demotivated
I feel like jumping of a cliff cause no matter what I do, there's someone light years ahead of me.
I'm not even unique
Ultimately that's probably what I want.
To be irreplaceable.
I guess in this struggle to be relevant I'm gonna lose myself and if I do get there, I might not be as happy anyways.
So what's the point to all this55
For God sake tinder, fix your fucking algorithm.
Why are you showing my beautiful and out of my league girls. I don't want depression everytime I open tinder.
Please show me avarage looking girls.12
Joined a new company...
It's been a week since I joined.I feel like shit.
There are over 20 employees, however I didn't had a chance to chat with a single person for more than a minute or two. Not a single meaningful or even a shitty but personal conversation. I'm trying to strike up conversations whenever I can, but there are no possibilities to do so. I think they have a few chat groups where I'm not added. At lunch time they suddenly start running to a guy that gathers the money to buy lunch, i saw that and joined, but I'm 99% sure they are communicating/speaking on some kind of chat.
I joined as a front-end developer, however I'm not sure if I'm a junior or whatever here. On the first day they showed me the system, they are using PHP and jquery + es6, the structure is messy and I'm not used to it It should be MVC-like, but messier, but it's not like anything I have seen. I usually work with opencart / cakePHP style systems. There are js files with a lot of custom funcions and sometimes there are functions that have mixed jquery and es6 inside script tags top or bottom of the view files. There are a lot of code that I don't understand, on the third day they gave me a task - to remodel a view (basically one page in the cms) I did it, but they didn't check up on me untill the next day, I gave them some notes on the task I finished, and I started making some of the code easier to read for myself after I was done. They didn't really gave me a new task, and I don't know what to do, don't have anyone to ask about what to do, because there are only 2 developers here, and the other guy is on vacation. The boss is also a coder, but he's never here and I feel like I shouldn't be asking him stupid coding questions, because you know.. He's a boss. I understand a lot more of their PHP code then their js/jquery. I feel like I'm stupid and I don't know what I am doing here and what I will be doing here in the future. I did move across the country to join this company, and if this won't work out i have a rent contract signed for a year. Today I was looking at the clock for the last 2 hours of the work day and waiting untill I could get out of there. To say that I feeling like shit would be an understatement.
I don't have anyone whom I could ask for coding advice outside of the company. Fuck.I have worked in a few companies before, but there was always an introduction to the staff, and or the working environment and usually there was a person that I could ask questions on the regular. This company is bigger however and I'm not an emotional guy whatsoever, but I feel like I will start crying.7
Best: I got my first dev job and found the perfect woman!
Worst: That same job has basically killed me. It's taken finding DevRant, copious amounts of alcohol and stress to keep me going.
Honestly, it's been a relatively shitty year. I suffer from depression anyway and fucking damn it's been a nightmare.
All I want to do is learn and build.9
I want to share my story.
I started programming while i was 13. By the time i got to college i already knew how to program in java and C, got straight A's in most of the courses and helped my classmates with their problems.
But i feel like shit. I'm sure everyone is going to get a job except me due to my poor social skills and major depression disorder.
I don't know if i should try harder, deal with life, tolerate the suffering or just simply kill myself. I'm thinking about suicide most of the time. Tried to talk to my close friends and it didn't help at all. I don't want to talk to my family because they won't understand. They never liked me anyway.
The worst part? I'm living in Iran, a third world country with a dictator. In the last year everything became 3 times more expensive. I can't buy shit. I didn't ask to be born here. I'm not even a muslim anymore.
I really don't know what to do. I hope it's just a bad dream. but it isn't.
Sorry for taking your time.20
Exercise devs, exercise, exercise and then exercise a little bit more
I've been coding for a long time and tbh programming is a very fiscally stale labour/hobby and even if your mind is rushing looking for answers, jumping from one place to another you are not moving that much, yes adjustable desks for programming while standing up are good and having breaks also helps but nothing like running, jumping, climbing or any sport.
During my lifetime I've seen the long and short term negative effects of sedentary jobs, back problems, liver problems, hormonal imbalance, overweight, depression, and anxiety.
I've been fiscally active for a long while but when I stopped, the first symptoms I had were weight gain, anxiety and depression, one night I even broke a tooth from stress teeth grinding.
Ive seen that people here might be having this issues and think it's normal, but try it out, start with a walk or jog sprinkled on your weekend.11
Today I'm reminded of Robin Williams as the world mourns the loss of Anthony Bourdain.
You may think: "this has nothing to do with development", but I think it does.
I've struggled with anxiety and depression for a long time. Before my passion and love for writing code became my career, I just assumed it was due to not being happy. When it persisted after finally moving into a career when I do what I love, I realized it's much deeper.
When these people who greet the world with smiles, or make us ourselves smile, end up taking their own life... it gives me pause. How many times do I fight back the darkness? Will I ever lose that fight? Will it matter?
Depression is a serious illness. It's not simply someone being ill-equipped to deal with life. Even the most stable-seeming person around us could be battling this darkness in silence.
You only find out when they lose that battle.
May i ask for help dear fellow devRanters?
@aureliagbrl suffered a deep depression and pressure from her family, the cause is exceptionally simple yet very crucial; so here's the story :
Every week, in friday after the last class she have to go home to fulfill her family wish to gather around and will come back to her dorm in Sunday. her home is more than 1.5 hour from University. recently one class in Wednesday moved out to Saturday Noon for some reason this cause her to go home in Saturday afternoon, yet her family doesn't care if it means she have to wake up 3am in Monday, to get back alone to catch up with class. her family just want to gather around longer, that's it, no exception. According to her this is so frustrating and exhausting. so the condition now is Tomorrow Morning (Monday) there will be a Live Coding Exam. she isn't prepared, her only wish was to get back on Sunday instead of Monday to Study. her family discard her wish entirely. this make her so deeply depressed and i can't even talk to her, she starting to mumbling about quitting college, and etc, etc.
We all know how bad it is to burnt out right ? and we want our fellow developers get out from it and a good shape. My wish is simple from you guys, i wish you can mention her in comment and cheer her up.
here is her cheerful photo.38
an 18 year old youtube multimillionaire known as McSkillet lost $200,000 on csgo skins and $700,000 gambling and trading csgo skins so he fell into depression. he took his $265,500 McLaren supercar and ran into the highway in opposite direction to commit suicide, but in doing so he also killed a mom and a 12 year old girl from the car collision explosion.
life is very hard to be an 18 year old teenage millionaire, better commit suicide instead.
how do you guys feel about this?31
You console.log then.
I should go now.3
Fresh out of dropping out of uni with a real heaping of newly diagnosed depression.
Get job in the industry.
Absolute joke of a company, spiral even further.
Thus begins the saga of boom / bust and the universe / myself fucking me over just as things get good that has been the last 8 years of my life.
Maybe one day I’ll write properly about my experience of mental health, in industry, in welfare and in my family too.
Suffice it to say, anything that leads you to take a whole year out, as well as makes you question whether what you thought was your dream job is actually right for you - is, ultimately, the definition of burnout.
tl;dr - the last 8 years have been a fucking burnout episode.1
Hey welcome back depression and feeling of uselessness, i thought we broke up in the hospital but seems like some exes stay with people.6
Just left a senior position in a YC startup for a middle position in my local company.
I believe that this downgrade will relieve some of my stress and give me more free time to heal my depression.
After fixing my uncontrollable consumption issues I can finally stop being a wagecuck. I don’t care much about my salary anymore while focusing on health and happiness. I saved up a lot of money so I finally can afford not to live paycheck to paycheck.
I’m slowly shifting towards living off my side projects only.3
When you're stuck on a bug for so long and you drown in the quicksand of depression and start to question the meaning of life and the universe..6
I personally feel that most social networks like Facebook are a source of depression for this generation. It's a known fact that "instant gratification", as we call it, it's slowly destroying the mental health of young minds. Do you think devRant is slowly becoming something like that? I see people only posting memes, popular jokes, or self-praising posts these days (no offence). I truly love devRant for what it is, and I don't want it to become another generic social media platform (even though it's within the developer community) :(2
Fuck my manager. >_<
I'm a fresher at a medium-sized company. Our team is relatively new and we don't have a dedicated support team for the product the team developed (before I joined the company).
So when I was allocated to the team, I was put into support, citing it as a good learning experience (and it was). But it's been a few months. And the support work got boring and uninteresting, looking at logs which don't say anything, dumps which are completely normal and most of all, dealing with unresponsive OSEs, when they claim the issue is super critical and really tricky.
Anyway, there was this tool (among other things) that had to be developed as a support tool for our product and I ended up being paired with a guy who ended up being in charge of it. We started working on it slowly, designing and implementing a framework for the tool.
This goes without saying, I love development.
4 days later, my manager says "why are you developing it? Who's gonna look at support issues?"
Fucking hell. I was hired to be a developer and you got me just decide to up and shove me into support for the next 3-6 months while others are at least enhancing our shitty ass product? And I can't even quit for another year and a half because I signed a bond!
Oh, the depression.11
One thing I learned over the years is that even when you think you can't do something or don't have the strength to do it, you actually can.
People do nothing better than to make excuses for themselves or blame others for the things they did without even considering that they could have done something about it.
The brain is a powerful processor to the point that when you think you're sick constantly your body will react accordingly.
Thing is though. If you don't take the opportunities that present themselves or don't look for them you'll probably get nowhere to the point where it could lead to depression.
Sure enough failures and mistakes happen all the time, ardly anything will go right the first time possibly leading to becoming demotivated and sometimes even depression.
Why? Because you forgot to think "what can I improve the next time"
A co-worker of mine keeps going back to his project he's working on because the boss has something in mind but somehow fails to translate it to him. He never stops to think what the desired functionality is compared to what it should do or look like (UI/UX). Eventually he snaps blaming the boss that he had to change it a couple of times.
This has happened multiple times since I started my Internship to the point where it just starts to irritate me.
Of course it's not always your fault but there are plenty of cases where it is or where you could have prevented it.
Mistakes and failures make you stronger only if you want to learn from them.
Have a good day
My job feels (and acts) like a soulless void.
Wow, that sounds like lyrics to an emo song for adults. screw that.
But it's still pretty accurate: While I have quite a few coworkers, and they're at least somewhat chatty, they never seem to respond to me, or even notice me. I see them talking, but anything I do or say gets ignored. It goes into the void and disappears.
I talk in the off-topic channels. People talk around me.
I make comments on releases. No responses.
I talk about music I've been addicted to. No responses.
I talk about food and cooking -- a popular topic at work. No responses.
I respond to an invitation to join the security team. No responses. (well, an empty deferral)
I release various features, some both my boss and a coworker described as "soul-crushing." No thanks, priase, appreciation; honestly, no one even seemed to notice.
I build useful utilities and functions for other devs to use. Nothing.
I optimize the scripts everyone uses on a daily basis, and mention it to others. Still nothing.
The void eats my efforts, and occasionally spits out parcels of work for me to do. The only responses I recieve from the void are when I ask about its parcels of work. When I send them back completed, nothing happens -- unless they need more work. If they do not... nothing.
My previous job was friendly and nice and rewarding.
The job before that was Hell.
This one feels like Purgatory, but ... somehow emptier.15
Interviewer: what’s a fun fact about you
Me: I’m a poorly mixed bag of ambition and depression so depending on the day I can do everything or nothing at all5
I dont know why. Maybe the appearance and performance.
Still i think i am better than most of them.
I am sure that i have a place in this industry.
Boss came in with new project:
boss shows me the design
me: it's a wordpress website ?
boss: client wants it with prestashop
me: but the brief is for an ecommerce website with 2 categories and a blog, wordpress with woocommerce and a blog should be enought
boss: no, client wants it with prestashop
oh I forgot, client wants it in a shared hosting server, where I can't add php extensions
started the project, fucked my weekend with anxiety and depression, and then products list came in ... 15 product
me: ok, I need to get the fuck out quick
I quit, I sleep at night, I smile with my kids ...2
Yepp.. The older you get, the faster the time flies by. Remember how long days used to be when you were 10? How much you used to do then? And now? You barely skim through your emails and it's already lunch time.. And soon after that it's already time to go home, go to sleep. And the next day is the same. Round robin, round robin... And when you think that the pooft-you're-gone moment is approaching faster and faster every year, you wonder what are you leaving behind, to remember you by.. A few dev projects that will drown to oblivion a few years after you're out, a few modules in other projects that will live longer but your code lines will soon be overwritten and forgotten in git's history, where noone ever scrolls to. Your own projects you have never released. Your fam who will remember you until their grandchildren - after that older generations are forgotten...
What is it that will keep people saying your name after you're gone? What significant have you given to the life?23
1) Built an entire SoC around a MIPS CPU. Fixed bugs in the CPU. Created hardware, busses, firmware, wrote Linux drivers, ported Linux.
2) Still working on a C++ abstraction framework for heterogenous computations for 4 years. About to solve / create a prototype for GPGPU and maybe even HDL code generation. Utilizes dynamic dispatch for scalar, SSE, AVX and other targets. I started this only because I did not like the performance of procedural noise algorithms utilized in a game prototype I started in 2015.
3) Created a game in 5 months to drag myself out of depression. Feeling success while your job sucks is soooo goooodd...13
Sometimes I just hit a "developer's block", when I'm just blankly staring at my screen wondering where did I start and how did I end up here!?
It is hell frustrating!!!7
Anyone got any ideas on dealing with crippling depression, loneliness, a potential breakup, and managing a startup alomg side it?78
Me: make me a sandwich
Me: sudo make me a sandwich
And then I wake up and realize this "her" does not exist. I feel like I have a problem if I'm dreaming about these kind of things....3
Why for the sake of world peace can't Edge inherit "opacity" to children?
This drives me insane!!!11!!one!eleven!!1!!
Get you fucking turds together dear browser developers!
The whole webDev business gets serious crippling depression from your brainless way of pooping out what you call "browser"!6
So lotta shit happened lately, life-wise and i don't know why but i have to share it:
There is a point after depression and being stressed out - it's this "well shit will work out someway.."-state of mind, where you have like an inner peace and everything is fine.
It's nice here.😪4
- Master C# and contribute to osu!lazer
- Get a girlfriend (preferably programmer as well)
- Own a gaming rig
- Get a cat
- Survive National Graduation/University Admission Test (not China, Vietnam)
- Go to GER to hug my friend
- Break through my depression and suicidal tendency (not a joke)
- Get a part-time job at a tea house near school6
And now... after the few of my positive posts about love, comes a negative post about life.
So, I’m one of my previous rants (https://devrant.com/rants/1796020/...) I described my situation. And now, here is the update to the rant.
Since we have no money, we’re moving into a relative’s living room. All of the things that we need for everyday life, such as closets a desk and two beds have been moved. My mother and brothers will sleep in one bed, while I on the other small one. We’re going to live like that for around 8 months.
But... there’s the old house. Every room, and there’s a lot, has furniture and other things to be moved. We have to finish packing by Sunday, which I seem impossible. I myself have been assigned to sort and lack my brothers’ toys, and let me tell ya, it is not pretty at all. In the photos attached below, you will see that THERE’S A LOT OF FUCKING TOYS AND ALL OF THEM HAVE TO BE FUCKING SORTED. You see the boxes with the legos and other brick based toys? It took me about 4 hours to pack all that. Look how much is left. That’s at least 6 more hours of work.
I still have to go to school officially, but since I’m going to go to a new school next week, most work has been cut for me. So, due to all of this, my education, official and self taught, has been paused for a week and now more. This is really having a bad effect on me, since when I don’t learn something, I feel depressed.
And there’s the toys... which I have to pack. My mother stays up until the morning packing furniture and other things in order to move out ASAP. She has done much more work than I have ever done in my entire life, and I should feel obliged to do everything without even a minor squeak of a complaint. Yet, here I am; complaining about it all, due to me becoming insane and depressed at everything that is currently happening to me. I lack the nerve to keep physically sorting toys, especially toys of which category I know not of. I know, programming requires a lot of sorting and such, but it is nothing compared to the physical thing. It’s the most repetitive thing, which requires no thought, but requires a lot of dedication. I have enough dedication to ride a bicycle to the nearest city from the country side, which is really far away, but I lack the motivation to do this, even though it has to be done by Sunday.
I am a sad excuse of a son, not being able to do all of this sorting, when his mother is doing EVERYTHING. What about my brothers? They’re 4 and 6. The 6 year old one is perfectly able to sort, but when he starts crying, my mother just stops it, and gives all of the work back to me. Great, mate. My mother had a lot of experience while living, since she moved with me while I was a baby boy. But I’m not used to this, and this is one of the most extreme moves that we have ever done, since we receive no outside labor, outside of a few family friends. We have no money to pay for storage either, so we have to transport everything into my aunt’s dingy basement, which is extremely hard to navigate. It is also extremely dirty, so my mother decided to CLEAN THE WHOLE THING UP. Yeah... she’s like that.
And in the midst of it all is me. Someone who can do the heavy carrying, but barely can do all of the toy sorting. It makes me depressed, but if I complain openly, my mother becomes extremely irritated, and for good reason, and also becomes depressive and almost suicidal. This is too much stress for me. I’m such a disappointment, I can’t even help without any complications!
I wish my father would burn in the deepest pits of hell.10
Why am I such an average ?
It's just a sad realisation. Nobody cares but I wanna send this out there, just to write thoughts.. I am 18 in 3rd year of high school (grammar school so nothing IT related, basically waste of time) and in IT I'm all self taught but I feel like I could be better if I just didn't [something]..
I feel like I wanna learn so many things but when I look at you, it seems like a common problem in the IT sphere so hey, average guy joining the club.
I also feel dumb when programming. I didn't manage to learn C++ in it's entirety because to really accomplish something, you've got so many ways to do it and finding the best one requires deep understanding of the tools you've got at your disposal with the language and I feel like I'm not capable of this(self learn, in school/Uni that's different story).. But many (most) of you are. I've tried many coding challenges and when I got it working, I just saw how someone did it in one line just by layering functions that I've never heard of..
Also, we've got kinda specific national competition here in many fields including IT for high schools.. And the winners always do sometimes like "AI driven Life simulation" or "Self flying drone made from ATMega from scratch with 3D simulation in C# to it" or "Game engine" or whatever shit and it's always from grammar schools and never IT related schools.. They are like me. Maybe someone helped them, I don't know, but they are just so far away from me while I'm here struggling to get the basic level of math for any kind of machine learning..
Yeah I've written Neural Network from scratch in C but meh, honestly it's pretty basic stuff .. I'd rather understand derivatives which we're going to learn next year and I'm too lazy to learn it from khan academy because I always learn something else.. Like processing (actually codetrain started teaching tensorflow so that might be the light for me...) Or VHDL (guys you can create your own chip / CPU from scratch and it's not even hard and OMFG it's so fucking cool , full adder done yay) or RPi or commodore 64 assembly or game development with Godot and just meh..
I mean, this sounds exactly like not knowing what to do and doing nothing in the end. That was me like 6-12 months ago. Now I'm managing to pick 2-3 things and focus them and actually feel the progress.
But I lost track of the original point.. I didn't do anything special, every time I'm programming something, everyone does it better and I feel dumb. I will probably never do anything special, everyone around says "He's still learning he's genius" but they have no idea.
I mean, have you seen one of the newest videos on Google's YouTube channel (I openly hate them, but I will keep that away for now), something like "Sarah story" ? It's about girl that apparently didn't care about IT but self learned tensorflow on high school. I think it may be bullshit (like ALL of their videos ) but it's probably just fancied, not complete lie.
And again, here I am. I now C but I'm incapable of learning to program good which most of you did and are now doing for living. I'm incapable to do anything cool, just understanding what everybody else did and replicating it. I'm incapable of being clever.
Sorry, just misusing devrant to vent a bit17
It hurts man, it fucking hurts
I feel like I'm a ghost, like im not there. I don't really exist
I try to be better, actually doing something, anything. I really do. But nothing changes. So many times have I decided to finally make the change. This time I'm really gonna make it out of here. Yet I'm still here. Not one thing has changed. I'm still a shell of a person
It really fucking hurts
I just want to exist19
Fuck my broken brain. I’ve been taking various meds for depression/ptsd for 11 years, and just when you think you’re making progress it comes back and takes a nice big shit in your slippers.
I Referee grass roots football (soccer) on the weekends, and I’ve been out with an injury. I should have been reffing a women’s game this afternoon but my damaged brain has other ideas.
Sometimes I just want to scream fuck it all and move to the woods to become a full time spoon whittler7
6 months after starting developing my webapps I found out that I have one competitor that runs basically the same application service 2,5years already. There was no clue of him when I researched the field just came across by accident today. I feel quite desperate now he has features I didn't even think of and which are amazing. I don't know what to do now7
Byron (reckful) has committed suicide. He was one of the first big streamers on Twitch and a game developer.
He was suffering from depression and has been for quite some time. He always appears happy around friends. He did "joke" about committing suicide on his last stream. Watching the clip makes it obvious that there was some truth to the "joke".
Also, remember that you never know what someone online is suffering from or how that person may interpret a joke. Be careful and think about how your message is received.
Please seek help if you have suicidal thoughts or even signs of depression. It's not a sign of weakness. We all need help sometimes.12
Seasonal depression is starting to kick in. I'm feeling like I'm not doing good, whenever I ask for help with code people usually just rewrite all of it when they fix it so I feel like I'm not improving at all. I'm almost to the point in my life where I have to move out and be on my own I'm 19 I still have about 2 more years but it's so stressful. My room is the most comfy place for me I cant be away too long or I'll just get depressed so how am i supposed to find somewhere i like more? And what would I even use the other rooms for. I want a roommate (particularly a friend of mine) but I'm not even out there and I can see the future depression I'm gettin myself into with all the Bill's and jobs and shit, and college doesnt help with stress or depression at all. I probably shouldnt worry about that right now but i just cant help it.. it goes by too fast fuck.
Sorry guys this is the only real outlet for my feelings nowadays8
I know it's not a story and also not a joke or meme but then also I want to share it because this gives me goose bumps
This photo won award for best photo and led the photographer into depression.
The cheetahs chased the mother deer and her 2 fawns(baby deers), the mother could've easily outrun cheetahs but instead she offered herself to cheetahs so that her kids can manage to run safety.
In this picture she is looking at her babies running safely as she is about to get torn into pieces.
She is about to get torn to pieces but she is dosen't look a bit hesitated.
That's mother for you!!44
That feeling when a coworker screws up totally. doesn't accept it as their fault.
You look at the code and see so much of redundancy and bad practice galore.
You look at it for a while and think you can rewrite it from scratch. But you finally end up saying "fuck this" and feel hopeless because there is not enough time.
Hate that feeling. Hate it. Depresses.2
This week has been hell, nothing i attempted worked out, so i guess ill just go and write some depression code :/6
Learned helplessness theory is the view that clinical depression and related mental illnesses may result from such real or perceived absence of control over the outcome of a situation.
^^^ This sums up my last year as a systems engineer perfectly3
Friends cause more problems than they solve. At least for me.
I'm currently not feeling well at all right now, anxiety and depression. I've never really experienced this before and let me tell you, if you're a person with problems like this regularly, I'm so sorry.7
depression is caused when you focus on the wrong things
focos on the right thing. The thing that makes your spirit fly instead of drown.
What to do when you only think about suicide...
I'm so frustrated about my situation... 3 years with a burn out, My boss keeps treating me badly, no one cares enouf to help, can't go to the owners of the company or else my dad will turn his back on me,...
So tired of only suffer
No personal life
On my limits...
One more and I may just cut my rists in front of my jerk boss just so he won't forget of what he did to me...
Saw Start wars Ep VII yesterday... that scene with a bloddy hand on a storm trooper's helmet cames to my head everytime I think about it lol
Wish I had no family... so I wouldn't feel guilty and just get on with it.
Sory for the sad post... have to trow it out and I only trust devrant to do it.... (and not having 20 people following me and never leaving me alone)22
After another unemployment w/ depression I need to find a job again. Some job ads keep posting pictures of whole crew wearing the same T-shirt holding a red cloth banner with some slogan of collectivism written on it. I believe those people only smile because it's a day off from work. Guess I'm not joining them anytime soon.4
Sooooooo since a few days im feeling more and more depressed.
There are some things that might cause it :
-My last frienhship broke (not like i care about sociality. lol)
-my parents being so strict.
What can i do except for going through this, eyes shut?
I alceady had a depression i dont wanna get back there :/52
I just... don't have the motivation to code. This thing that once gave me chills and joy for hours now feels tedious.
I still love programming. My depression is starting to win, that's all. Tearing up trying to write this.
Oh and yeah, my coworker just knocked out the entire staging Oracle database, so there's that.6
Sometimes when I have a 10s break, I think about what I did to get here, and what to do to get... somewhere alive (if possible)
6 years ago, I got my high school diploma in letters.
5 years ago, my depression started while I went to a development / management school. Dropped off one year before graduation, but I prefered to stay alive than having this diploma in my coffin.
1 year ago, I got this (kind of shitty but it pays well but it has drupal so fuck) job and my depression ended.
In two weeks, I'll get back to school for this last one year that I'm missing, so I'll finally get a better diploma.
Within 4 years maximum, I'll leave France to start a new / better / better paid life in Canada.
One hell of a ride, ain't it?6
When I was dealing with depression he allowed me to code whatever and get to school when ever (and still got the required hours)
Best teacher / mustache from my dev education
Spent around 5 hours last night trying to do honestly one of the most basic things in PHP with a classmate of mine.
We are making a website kind of like Google Photos where the user can upload their images, store some information about the images they uploaded. (Basically just an online photo storage site). For what ever damn reason we could not figure out why our images that the user would upload from a form where not being put into their associated user image folder; Hell for the longest time they weren't even being loaded onto our LAMP server.
We still have no fucking idea what made it start working, we went over our code and iterated it probably over a hundred times and suddenly..... Like I said we have no fucking clue why; it started to work.
Over 2 hours in a hangouts call and around 500 messages later it worked.
I think we all know how this feels.
What a fucking mess.5
Day 1: depressing
Day 2: blissful
Day 1: blissful
Day 2: depressing
I noticed this pattern to repeat EVERY TIME IN MY LIFE.
When something is extremely good one day, I actually try to reduce the happiness because the depression will kick in the next day twice as much.... So even when i get hit by happy days, i am forcefully trying to become depressed in order to avoid being depressed twice as much tomorrow, CAn you Fucking believe me this ? Hhh
i dont have energy to live9
For the past 45 days I've been the sole developer of a standalone Java application and doing some ops only, now I'm getting back to the spaghetti php bullshit they call code and for the past 5 minutes I could fell the depression striking back...
I think this week will have been the saddest and funniest week in devrant history. The group rant is getting answers everywhere in between "Depression" and "Working with Gradle"...
When I was in school, I could walk as long as I wanted. Only my unwillingness to do so could stop me.
Now I don't even care about my unwillingness, but I can't walk as long as I want anymore – my legs hurt and just stops moving. The spasm won't go away easily and I have to wait for it to stop.
When I was in school, I could learn as much as I wanted. Only my unwillingness to do so could stop me.
Now I don't even care about my unwillingness, but I can't learn as much as I want anymore – my brain just stops absorbing information. I can see letters but I can't read words.
My body slowly decay. By the age of 21, I have two abdominal surgeries, joint and bone issues, clinically diagnosed depression, the food I eat won't digest without pills and much more to handle. If the pain is what stops me now I could only imagine the next step when I don't even care about pain just like I don't care now about my unwillingness.
On the other hand the realization of my own mortality was extremely liberating. Yes, my body slowly decomposes and needs to be fixed here and there but at least I know that my personality heavily depends on some fluids inside my body. I know that I have limited amount of fucks to be given.
I slowly lose my health over time but I gain something more and I gain faster than I lose. I don't care about things like indents or JS trailing semicolons anymore – I just build and ship viable products over weekends. I almost never argue and enforce my vision inside the team I manage as a teamlead.
Yes, I'm depressed and not productive but depression would go away and my confidence is here to stay. I'm here to earn just enough money to buy a house and launch my own small projects that wouldn't require that much time to provide me with basic needs.
Everyone I see is fighting a hard battle. I'm here to end mine.2
WATCH WHAT YOU CLONE!!!
I spent 2 days of stack overflow, assistance, mental counselling, 5 stages of depression ... just to realize I had cloned half the project because of a stupid, useless, fucked up branch that had the balls to call itself MASTER!!!!! arrggg!!!!!7
Coding seems to help me overcome tragedy and depression.
There are various times when things seem helpless to me, and many times when I feel I'm not in control of anything in life, but coding I know where I am, and challenges are overcomeable.
Is anyone looking for a Ruby Developer with 2 years of experience with Ruby, 2 years with pure SQL databases and half year with React?
This day was awful. I just want to disappear. I want to stop existing, and come back in a few days. I had a day of pure depression and insecurity.
Don't bother replying or upvoting, that's just me writing this in the open for no reason.35
Been really depressed at work for the last two years. To the point where myself and colleagues would constantly petition our boss to work with us to change our internal process.
After being constantly ignored / seeing no really impact ( he literally renamed a step in our process and said he fixed it forgoing all the recommendations that we suggested and refusing to discuss anything with us );
I decided to resign before I say or do anything to completely burn the bridge.
Two days later one of my colleagues also resigned ( the only other device at the company ) now my boss is frantically looking for our replacements while also trying to maintain that he holds all the cards.. he offered my colleague less than he is on now to freelance for him. And will likely attempt the same with me in my exit interview today.
But I'm working on a web app which I find interesting. Problem is that I'm not as hopeful as the others working on it with me that it will ever make any money. (It seems like a money pit if anything)
I think I may be in for a couple of rough months. But at least I'm not working for a company that made me so depressed that all I would ever think about is how to convince the boss to improve things.
I'm worried but for the first time in 2 years I feel happy.4
Welp. My mental health is down the drain.
I don't want to talk to anyone about it, but I am well aware of the situation. I can't even bring myself to sleep on a proper time frame, and depression is crawling back like an abusive ex.
There. Complete failure. Where do I sign out for this life?
Footnote:This is not fishing for attention, more like ranting in the void. (or trying to) Apologies to the one who I should've probably talked to about this, but never did.33
DEPRESSION TRIGGER WARNING
Every once in a while, I feel depressed.
From who am i, where am i questions to what will i do in the future to sustain myself...
But what hits me so hard every single time is what will happen if i die...
So i disappear
As if i never wake up again from my sleep
It is like
I don't know how to explain but..
It terrifies me
Think about it
From this world
And if you have no kids,well,
Hello winter depression. I showed up at work at 3pm. I should write a concept for restructuring our IT department. But I'm surrounded by people who have the misconception that design is just making things pretty. And they laugh at the idea to conduct user interviews to improve the situation. It's expected that I finish this until two weeks. Because thats when my contract ends. Job hunt starts again. I lost my motivation for everything. Let me be 😕4
[Warning! - Sob story ahead, you've been warned]
today someone who interviewed me in the last days, said they want to hire me.
Good news, right?
Professionally speaking yes, but... i don't know.
I always been a freelance: never had much work, but i was always free of doing whatever i liked and whenever (no fixed working hours).
I have a room in an office with 2 other people. People i love to hate (it's complicated).
But now i'm thinking about this new work they are offering me: no more freelance, no office, no flexibility. All with a 6 months contract.
What really scares me is that i will lose what i have... even the 2 co-workers that i hate/love: i have never been able to make friends, they are the thing that comes closer to friends in my life.
I'm feeling a void in front of me:
being an adult (35 years old...) and choose a work that pays, but loose... essentially what i am, what i have hardly build...
OR decline the job, and going on "Peter-Pan-style", living at my pace: free but constantly hoping of something good to happen to me
I don't know, really don't know... so many feeling are overwhelming me now.
And tomorrow i have to make a decision5
So, depression, yeah?
Two good days of work in a row, and on the third, I sleep late and think during sleep and throughout the night, wake up tired and feel shitty and feel a crash-burn in my feelings. (or whatever you want to call it. Burnt out? Tired? Exhausted? Lonely?) So now I have the rest the optimizing sql bullshit project and a paper to finish, plus I need to work more on the thesis. And ofc, work itself.
Everything feels so gloomy.
I know it gets better, but feeling shit doesn't help either.
Anyways, I'm fishing for attention this time so gimme your good vibes! 🙂4
Anxiety and depression came back today.
I have so many feelings I can't express to anyone.
I have so many thoughts and ideas I can't talk to anybody about.
Friends never invite me anywhere.
Sometimes I think about ending it all.
It's been like this for the past 5 years or so.
Isn't life just great sometimes? 🙃8
Deployed to production two days ago, errors still coming out and ALL of them have been my fault :(
I feel really shitty and I feel like I have no brain, maybe dev is not my career
Any advice to overcome this frustration? I really need to read your advices, guys :(16
I feel like an imposter. I am running an IOT startup alone and it's in development phase.
Product and the app ecosystem is working so well that it's scaring me. Other products are quite finicky. I haven't worked long enough. I imagined it would take an year to develop. My code is quite simple. I just don't know why it's working so well compared to the works of others. I am scared I missing something huge.
I am in depression because work is going smoother than my expectations.10
Five interviews and challenges later and I’m told they won’t be going further with me.
Over month of my life. Finally thought this was the one. But oh well. Depression.
I officially quit being a dev.
It’s been rad y’all.13
Seeing how cool the community's work stories here, and how they know a lot and how they work in organized companies makes me feel like an absolute piece of shit who's lacking a lot of industry skills.
Remotely working for a startup that lacks any sense of organization, CTO is a volunteering web developer who never shows up. A lone wolf I am. I never signed to be a lone wolf. A product that is based on an absolute garbage product that is in turn based on another utter garbage product. It feels so much pain every time I have to deal with that garbage that I end up watching some stupid anime instead. Decent salary for a junior, very friendly people, and a very empowering non-profit cause but still... technical side is just shit and I don't think I can keep with this.
You could win free Premium!
But you can't even complete the survey.
Well played! Spotify!
Every time when you're facing depression, and doubt yourself. Just think about there are companies much bigger than yours, and they struggling to put a form together... 🤦♂️5
how do i deal with impostor syndrome?
i read thedailywtf.com... daily.
also, since i'm trying to be a gamedev i watch youtube channels that foxus on reviewing/trying shitty games.
helps with the impostor syndrome quite a lot, but has a side effect of causing depression from "how the hell are all these incompetent morons successful, and i' m not?"3
Long story short, I have to drop my studies for now bc serious mental health issues. I feel like a failure, but I mean, I actually attempted to.... well, I'm here to say it and not complete the phrase. I need to rebuild a lot. And I would really to make some friends are. I have no one to talk to.14
I came across this article and this is exactly how my company is treating their programmers. https://yegor256.com/2016/12/...5
I just found out last Friday that my team collegues (all of them are team leads) are suffering from depression or the so called burn out syndrom. I guess it's my boss' fault. He never gives clear jobs, changes his mind from day to day, we have to manage unclear responsibilities and the baddest thing is that we think that our boss is too stressed out himself.
Do you have any advice for me how we as team could solve that besides changing employer? One thing to mention is, that my boss likes to hear himself talking. That makes it even harder for a guy like myself who is more or less introverted to come up with good arguments which are not overheard or overtalked immediately. What are your feedback strategies to your own boss, how do you bring such stuff on the table?
I fear that when nothing happens, my company will suffer very hard when the whole product engineering departement will fall apart (¼ of the whole company and is responsible for engineering and maintaining of internal services and managed services for our customers).
Well at least it was worth writing about it, maybe my subconcious mind will come up with a brilliant idea itself in the near future in some asynchronous way. But you might be the one with that valuable input, then don't hesitate to share, it will be welcome.4
Never gave much consideration to new year's resolutions, but here we go:
- Make my life less shitty
- Find a way out of my depression
- Get back to my old rythm
- Be in control of my own mind and my body again5
I work 3 PM to 1 AM as a daily office job. Then go home and try to learn programming. Wake up next day at 8:30 AM for kind of another work until 1PM. Doesn't pay as much but I have to try. Then if I get free time do some freelance on UPWORK with whatever little graphic designing I know to help pay the bills.
And the fact that even my laptop is dying is a huge blow. Don't know when it might give up. Has 1st gen core i5 dual core, takes ages to load Adobe softwares. I have wanted to hulksmash this shit, but can't.
If I'm lucky, I get a stress free 6 hours of sleep a few days a month. And my depression doesn't help. More sleep should ease me a little, but I can't afford to waste any time. But this is life, isn't it.3
After couple of months in depression i have finally decided to leave my current workplace because of wordpress. Just because my clients say that i am working very slow when i am working my ass off, but you know what, fuck them. Fuck them all4
Enough of this damn youtube selecting shit songs for me, so please guys share playlists !
What i am used to :
- system of down
- michael bubley
- tarja turunen
- christina agilera (wrong spelling i know ...)
Just gave them in my mind's order, i listen to a lot of their songs, but recently there is no fucking good artist at all.
I like to listen to something who moves, not static idiot repetitive songs. I am fed of daft punk.
Please guys share, i can no longer enjoy music !!43
haven't been able to get back into the groove of programming (depression?). Anyone know how to get back on track?7
It is the time for the proper long personal rant.
Im a fresh student, i started few months ago and the life is going as predicted: badly or even worse...
Before the university i had similar problems but i had them under control (i was able to cope with them and with some dose of "luck" i graduated from high school and managed to get into uni). I thought by leaving the town and starting over i would change myself and give myself a boost to keep going. But things turned out as expected. Currently i waste time everyday playing pc games or if im too stressed to play, i watch yt videos. Few years ago i thought i was addicted, im not. It might be a effect of something greater. I have plans, for countess inventions, projects, personal, for university and others and ALL of them are frozen, stopped, non existant. No motivation. I had few moments when i was motivated but it was short, hours or only minutes. Long term goals dont give me any motivation. They give as much short lived joy, happines as goals in games and other things... (no substance abuse problems, dont worry). I just dont see point of my projects anymore. Im sure that my projects are the only thing that will give me experience and teach me something but... i passed the magic barrier of univercity, all my projects are becoming less and less impressive... TV and other sources show people, briliant people, students, even children that were more succesful than me
if they are better than me why do i even bother? companies care more for them, especialy the prestigious ones, they have all the fame, money, funding, help, gear without question!
of course they hardworked for ther positions, they could had better beggining or worse but only hard work matters right?
As i said. None of my work matters, i worked hard for my whole life, studing, crafting, understanding: programming, multiple launguages, enviorements, proper and most effcient algorithms, electronic circuits, mechanical contraptions. I have knowlege about nearly every machine and i would be able to create nearly everything with just access to those tools and few days worth of practice. (im sort of omnibus, know everything) But because had lived in a small town i didnt have any chances of getting the right equpment. All of my electronical projects are crap. Mechanical projects are made out of scrap. Even when i was in high school, nobody was impressed or if they were they couldnt help me.
Now im at university. My projects are stagnant, mostly because of my mental problems. Even my lifestyle took a big hit. I neglect a lot of things i shouldnt. Of course greg, you should go out with friends! You cant dedicate 100% of your life to science!
I fucking tried. All of them are busy or there are other things that prevent that... So no friends for me. I even tried doing something togheter! Nope, same reasons or in most cases they dont even do anything...
Science clubs? Mostly formal, nobody has time, tools are limited unless you designed you thing before... (i want to learn!, i dont have time to design!), and in addition to that i have to make a recrutment project... => lack of motivation to do shit.
The biggest obstacle is money. Parts require money, you can make your parts but tools are money too. I have enough to live in decent apartment and cook decently as well but not enough to buy shit for projects. (some of them require a lot or knowlege... and nobody is willing to give me the second thing). Ok i found a decent job oppurtunity. C# corporation, very nice location, perfect for me because i have a lot of time, not only i can practice but i can earn for stuff. I have a CV or resume just waiting for my friend to give me the email (long story, we have been to that corp because they had open days and only he has the email to the guy, just a easier way)
But there are issiues with it as well so it is not that easy.
If nobody have noticed im dedicated to the science. Basicly 100% scientist that want to make a world a better place.
I messaged a uni specialist so i hope he will be able to help me.
For long time i have thought that i was normal, parent were neglecting my mental health and i had some situations that didnt have good infuence on me as well. I might have some issiues with my brain as well, 96% of aspargers symptoms match, with other links included. I dont want to say i have it but it is a exciuse for a test. In addition to that i cant CANT stop thinking, i even tried not thinking for few minutes, nope i had to think about something everytime. On top of that my biological timer is flipped. I go to sleep at 5 am and wake up at 5pm (when i dont have lectures).
I prefer working at night, at that time my brain at least works normaly but i dont want to disrupt roommates...
And at the day my brain starts the usual, depression, lack of motivation, other bullshit thing.
I might add something later, that is all for now.1
Todays story: conversation between me and my brain about a app that i have planned for a long while.
The application is just a huge, specyfic json editor/manager for a game that i like. The game uses json files to determine unit charactetistics. So in order to make modding easier i want to make a tool for that that is fancier and easier to use than a notepad.
Brain> Lets make a app that allows you to mod the game easier!
Me> Good idea. How would you want to make it?
Brain> Lets use C# cause you main that lang currently and you have experience with json parser lib.
Me> That is true. So what do you wanna implement first?
Brain> Oh. I have thought about it before! I want to implement: (10 000 features) and maybe few more later!
Me> It sounds like a infinity project, shouldnt you implement like 1 or 2 features at first and then jump to other ones?
Brain> Yes... but i dont wanna refactor those features latter so let just implement them all at once!
Me> Dammit brain! Let just implement just one feature now! Like a simple json editor. You can use inhieritance to reuse the code later.
* Starts with that one feature but one day later starts coding 6 more *
* Cant publish the app yet, the code looks like shit, gui is unfinished because brain wanted only to test those 6 unfinished features without propely implementing them *
Me> Brain WTF! You said that you are going to focus on one feature at the time!
Brain> I got carried a bit...
Me> Ok. I understand. Let just refactor the code and clean the project out of those unfinished features.
Brain> No. I have a depression now...
* 2 month passes by without any progress on ANY of my projects*
Brain> I still have depression...
Me> Ok i dont care about that anymore! Tell me something that i dont know!
Brain> Oh I have good news as well!
Brain> What about the home server that is going to store all mods made by the users so they can share it? It would be a good practice with networking!
Me> * Gives up *1
I have the best of the very best client on Earth.
A kind who would flat out reject with most depression reviews to our best and hardly committed work whenever an payment installment date is near.
Been depressed and bored for the past two days, wish I'm always like this. why?
I learned how to MVVM in WPF and Android.
If only Apple creates something similar to what Microsoft and Google did for data binding.
If it exists please let me know :)10
My worst nightmare just came true. Been working with a difficult client for the last 3 months (1.5 months longer than the project was supposed to last). The client has essentially questioned and made me justify every decision I've made about implementation.
Today, as I'm nearing completion on the project the client pointed out a piece that isn't being accounted for correctly.... and they were right. Going to take me several hours to make the correction. 😣1
So you all think that coffee is the best energy brewage? I can say that it isnt! At least for me...
I ate a dark chocolate bar a.p. 10pm yesterday and i couldnt even go to sleep. In the morning i have never felt so awake before and i managed to get to the lecture not on a tram but by foot...
Also my depression is gone and i want to fix my life5
Learning to juggle my depression/anxiety/urge to punch stupid people. Currently still a work in progress.5
# -*- coding: utf-8 -*-
from rant import depression as fuck
from WhiskeyBottle import *
while bottle.contents > 0.0 and time.datetime():
Yeah ok, this will be one of a few, but I'll try to keep it short. Damn, whiskey is not helping. Nor various smokables.
So yeah, have you ever had a dream? I consider myself a gamer the whole life, always loved creative worlds, dynamics, mechanics, plots, stuff you could and couldn't do. To the point I promised myself I'd make a game - NAH - I'll be making games in the future. You know, good games, that you come back to. Like Doom. Or those porn games.
Never went to Uni or nothing. Was born in a poor European country with Internet more broken than my soul right now. Years later, after acquiring some good hardware, learning a bunch of languages, Unity, Unreal Engine 4 and experimenting for about 10 years now with small scripts, apps and mini-games I've come to this realization.
I only made one "full" "game" in my life, and that was when I was like 16 in Klik & Play (early Game Maker). And it was shit. It was horrible, horrible shit. It literally makes you want to cry when you play it. It's 16-bit brain cancer. And it's the best I've ever published.
Now I've been through countless prototypes, none of which I've developed any further. I had ideas, plans, even made some more advanced roadmaps and dev cycles. Estimated costs, time, mechanics, gameplay hooks.
I never finish anything.
I get bored. Frustrated sometimes. There's always an improvement, something that "if I'd finish that it would be it! Screw this thing I was working on now, THAT will be worth sacrificing it." It's tiresome. I'm getting old.
And honestly, I don't know how people do it anymore. Trying to compromise those side-projects (they take all my free time which is not much) and work is just... draining. I'm losing hope. Maybe I shouldn't be allowed into the gamedev world after all. Maybe I'll just pump half-assed pieces of crap everybody will hate.
Or worse, nobody will care.7
Don't waste your time.
My generation, 00, Mid-Millennial, GEN-Z are going through a lot of large societal, social, sociological, political, industrial and technological changes; i.e. life changes.
We are turning 18 and starting our own lives;
Work life is crazier than ever;
And the bar seems to be really high.
You could call generation Z the generation of depression.
A lot of us are having mental (and neurological) issues or find ourselves having a lot of breakdowns;
We are passioned on what we do, although we might not exactly know what that is;
The world is in our hands as we are in hands of the world.
( Refer to my previous rants. )
This might seem really pressuring or even distressing to you. It is.
But remember that there's a lot of us. We can make this lump of dirt and water a better place just and only with our collective power, before reaching further.
We are the information surfers. We can access more information than ever before.
Please don't try to limit it too much. The scandals that users of social media and modern applications have been making can be crucial to how our information infrastructures are built.
We are addicted, and if you take that away from us, we will suffer the consequences.
* Drops the mic *10
Never be a perfectionist. I am one and it kills me inside. 99% of the time I am not happy with what I did because I know I can do better. Especially on exams. Not because of the grade but because I am not on par with what I know I can do. Its pissing me of so fucking much. Fucking bullshit. Why do I suck so fuckibg much ffs. For real: you should never become a perfectionist because I see what it does to me4
After I cured my depression with Vortioxetine which was prescribed to me because of pure luck, I can notice that something has changed.
I can't tell if I like or don't like something anymore. It doesn't matter now which food to eat, what music to listen to, I just can't see the difference. I dropped all my side projects, quit my job and got another, much easier one. I don't see the big picture of things anymore. I also lost my ability to reverse-engineer problematic outcomes and find solutions.
I used to be an architect but now I can't design anything, I just forgot how to do what I could do without thinking. I forgot Lisp and Clojure, functional programming is too hard for me now. I just don't understand it.
My iq also significantly dropped.
Summarizing all that, and also remembering that liking or not liking something implies that you have a personality, I can only see one reason – I probably don't have a personality anymore.
Here's a summary of my experiences from when I was depressed:
depression makes you dumb
you struggle with simplest tasks
you only eat and go to the bathroom because sometimes your basic instincts win
depression takes your power of will – the most valuable thing you have
society doesn't understand and shames you
you can't think
you can't focus
you can't study
you need money but you can't make it
you don't have that save space inside your thoughts anymore
you don't have dreams
your sleep schedule is fucked
every night there's a nightmare and you can't wake up
you can't cry
they prescribe you one neuroleptic after another and they only makes it worse, turning you into a vegetable
you feel nothing but shame and irrational infinite guilt11
Just got yelled at by by a senior dev. I know I am not the best developer but...I am depressed now. I wanna be better and prove myself. I admit I am distracted way to easily but I need help bad. Idk how to earn back the respect of my coWorkers.9
So this is my experience with depression and how actual treatment differs from "idk man just stay positive" boomer advices and other crap like that.
Ah, the internal struggle.
Half an hour of debugging to find out why my code wasn't being called multiple times inside setInterval().
Only to realised that I was using setTimeout() instead of setInterval().
This is what depression and tiredness does to people.
Therapy is hardest when you're starting it IMO. I don't like talking about my vulnerabilities with people face to face very much, I get pretty defensive about it. We've agree that I'm suffering from a high level of anxiety which is likely leading to depression and we'll be working on solutions in the coming weeks.
Over the weekend I stopped programming and dedicated myself to more leisure. Went out for a hike (literally) and got a PS4, my first new gaming machine in over two years. Been playing Horizon Zero Dawn.
I'm starting to feel a little bit better. :)1
i am at the point of deep depression again as a CS student. a few weeks back and forward is a busy weeks with a lot of team projects/research. as always, team project never be as smooth as i expect, I always who be the one who work in the project with the rest of the team and they doesn't even care what the project does.
also a few week forward there will be a Leadership Training, and i just quit from it, why ? because i need sleep. why again ? BECAUSE I AM THE *ONLY* ONE WHO WORK ON THE PROJECT YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT, i am the one who can't sleep everyday working on the project scraping the deadline and class hour.
why i drop important thing (Leadership Training) just to keep me from depriving my sleep and to keep the project up while the team disregard me? am i being too humble yet i just rant about "don't be too humble".
..i...i just... I just can't take it anymore. :( god help me15
Have you ever had to get over someone? I don't mean in a relationship. I mean having that person betray you in a way that shows that they are beyond help?
That's what I'm dealing with right now. I'm not crying I've skipped: anger and denial, I've breezed through bargaining, right now in the middle of acceptance and depression.
Now I'm having a hard time admitting I had feelings for her at one point. 🙁
Currently Listening To: f*** You by Cee Lo.4
My fiance is also a developer, we moved to a bigger city and she is looking for a job. She lost all motivation and doesn't want to look at any code anymore... Not even my freelance projects.. Does anyone have any motivational things to say? She doesn't use devrant, but i'll show her this post.3
I work at a company that sees front end developers as, basically, lab rats. I make less than my coworkers, who are all underpaid, and also turn out more clean code (based on mutual agreement, plus the only person who documents anything) than the rest of the team, and at much higher quantities.
Why? Because I get my ass handed to me by depression and anxiety every morning, and end up coming in ~1 hour late everyday. (For nearly a year now, even with medical intervention)
I'm probably going to be fired for it fairly soon, as well as get swallowed in medical bills.
On the bright side, I finally fixed a bug with my portfolio website that I've been working on, so I've got that going for me which is nice.2
College is rapidly sending me into a never-ending spiral of depression. I have to take Calculus-based physics for Computer Science, and it's making me want to kill myself. I'm not going to get anything higher than a D in it, so I'm going to have to take it again no matter what. I'm worried I'm not going to get a D in it because if I don't get at least a D in it, I won't be able to take the second part of it in the spring, which will remove 5 credit hours from my schedule that I will then have to find something else to fill with.
Worried that the terrible Physics grade I'm going to get is going to drop my GPA below the requirement for my scholarship. Worried that I'm going to get kicked out of the honors program as well. Worried that I'm going to be here for three more years. (My scholarship runs out in Spring 2020.) Stressing out about my Physics final tomorrow that will determine whether I pass or fail the class.
Im starting to wonder if that Computer Science degree is worth it.4
Sooooo... I've felt a bit lost during my years as a student and maybe this is a nice place to finally talk about it.
I've had my first programming experiences in school (back then it was delphi, a Pascal variant), then decided after graduating I want to study computer science. I've stuck with it and will finish my masters degree in a few months. (Took me a year longer than the university plans but will likely have a very good grade)
Since i have little programming experience and never coded anything useful (mostly study projects or simple programming tasks) I've always been struggling with depressions, worries of being not good enough and never finding a job etc pp, but in the last few months it got worse since I NEED to apply for jobs now as i graduate next may. I'd really like to improve and found some "learn how to code" websites but the progress seems still slow and meaningless when I compare myself to all those guys out there:
- those comparing several hardware/software pieces casually since they know all the (dis)advantages and specs off by heart
- those who have fierce discussions about languages, libraries, runtimes etc
- those who solve the problems in coding websites with 3 lines and incredibly mathematicsl proofs for why this shortcut works (fastest)
- basically the guys who discuss so many things i've never even heard of
I just feel so lost, useless and like i missed years of learning things everybody else just obviously knows now. Is there any way to catch up? I thought about trying to join a local Chaos Computer Club but they sound like they wouldn't be fond of a noob like me.5
Sorry if this is a bad read, pretty new to devRant and writing in general.
I can't help but think and think of how much I fucked up my opportunities to completely change my life/financial status a couple of times. Damn.
A few years back (it was 2009, I think) I was playing Diablo II online, helped some random guy get through the hard levels. Normally, in such situation the lower lvl player allowed the higher level guy to grab the valuable boss loot; however this time the guy except sharing the loot with me asked me if I want his spare 2000 bitcoin. I asked if it's of any value, he said "not really".
I said I'd contact him later, when I figure out how this thing works and how to setup a wallet.
Guess what, I was too lazy and forgot about this thing completely. Then we lost contact.
In 2010, I made a comeback to bitcoin, but instead of buying it, I downloaded the bitcoin client, the blockchain (it was 800 mb in size, I remember) and have been contributing by running it on my PC for like a year.
Finally decided to get it ~3 years ago. Bought 2.5 BTC for 400$.
Was holding it, until I fell for the "free OmniseGO" scam and somebody stole them off me.
All of these can't get out of my head.
I visit coinmarketcap literally every hour to see how much I could have now. My girlfriend, friends, family, all fail to cheer me up. I still made a pretty good deal buying 5.5 ETH for 45$ and thats like 2500$ soon, its nice but this much I can make by coding
Shit, what do I do to stop being stressed except for seeing a psychologist.
May my failure make you smile today4
I guess it would have been the school choice back then. Teachers were almost all really bad, going though a powerpoint at mad speed instead of making sure we got it, and the other students were elitists: you don't know how to code / use this framework? Why haven't you commit suicide yet?
This school was a big part of how I lost all confidence in myself, and how hard to build it back. And the major actor of my depression. Yay.
VirtualBox is fucking evil
It wants the humanity to disappear due to self doubt, random errors and depression
KILL VBox BEFORE IT KILLS ALL11
Does the light of your laptop destroy your sleep ?
Mine REALLY does :/
Been suffering of insomnia for more than 4 months and the therapist said it's either self depression or anxiety !
Now I know : It's all my laptop's blue shade fault !!6
If at first you don't succeed, blame the framework; then the language; then your colleagues and eventually fall into a deep depression when you realise that the only person you truly have to blame is yourself.
Finally started my side project. Everyone says I'm gonna drop it far before it's done, but I still have hope! I'm not sure if I'm blind or motivated, but I guess I'll find soon enough!
FYI, I'm a mobile dev (c#) but I'm gonna try to learn something else along the way : it's a web project!!!
I'm in the excitement phase, I'll see you in the depression phase.2
I've just been pre-diagnosed with clinical depression. MRI and couple other things is needed to clarify things out but taking pills is imminent.
I just hope it's a journey to my true self and guilt-free life26
One of my friends just royally pissed me off by deciding to repeat some crap she heard on TV about suicide being very selfish. I have depression and she's just taken a huge shit on mental health I'm. She can be a stupid cow sometimes...3
I hate it when depression strikes again and it renders me useless because I can't focus here at work.
I'm spending my break time right now trying to cheer myself up by looking at some memes online.3
Hey guys! I just started to code and now I think I am in depression :)) I'm working my way with swift and Xcode, and I'm trying to build a project. BUT! as soon as I managed to solve a freaking huge problem, I got hit by a small one and tried to fix it all day but nothing helped. no inspiration, no nothing. And now I am sitting in my chair, writing this post and questioning my entire life and what I am going to do with it...11
if (rant !== story)
System.out.println("Dev rant story time")
A coworker mentioned to me that I might have depression as part of my personality. They think this because I always feel at my best when I'm being active/productive (programming) or doing meditation practice. I thought that was strange.
Bit of a brief background, I've had depression since I was about 12 and I still get small bouts of it into my late 20's. I've been on antidepressiants for a very short time and I've been through talk therapy multiple times. It was a lot worse then it is now and I believed I have it under control.
My coworker thinks that I ended up dealing with it for so long that it has become a part of my personality so I don't notice it actively. The whole thing has left me sort of, I don't know, jaded. Or maybe just afraid that it could be true?
I thought about how I have a very all or nothing attitude in life. I don't think about getting a house because I don't put too much faith in myself towards having a family. Or how I have to make very radical changes to my life immediately if something starts triggering the new depressive episode. If I can't code or read at night I'll hope in the car and drive with no destination in mind for several hours just to keep my mind at ease.
I don't know. It sorta upsets me because I always thought of depression as something you need to "get out of", but now I wonder if my case was severe enough that I've adapted my life around it.9
Okay so to start, I'm going though a hard time mentally right now, anxiety(social) depression and autism just to set some context.
I work remotely cause it's the easiest way for me to deal with my mental struggles, I don't have to speak to people in the office, I can just do my job and then enjoy my day after.
We have a Christmas party at the end of the year... I physically don't think I have it in me to show up.
Is this bad?
I bailed on our last team event because I was struggling.
I don't want to bail all these times then have people think I'm not a team player etc.
My boss already knows of my struggles, so do I just be honest or make up some bullshit excuse... yet again?6
I finally joined uni. With all of its fucking bureaucracy. But I love the feel I get being there with people I know wants same stuff as mine. I picked Math.
It's equally ambitious and crazy as 1) My previous school didn't prepare me at all, (not even limits for fuck's sake) 2) it has given me an antidepressant boost, but I'm also a person that yes goes on anyway but at the first difficulty I second guess my own ability in first place to overcome what's ahead (so, depressive rebound). 3) I have dyscalculia and adhd. Lucky me, not the kind of dyscalculia that makes you unable to grasp logic, it's more like I can't do calculations in my head and 8x7 is HARDER to me than explain graph theory or some stuff about riemannian geometry.
What did you all feel when you went to university? Because I'm feeling a lot ignorant, but worse, stupid, very stupid.
Updating Ubuntu via Terminal
Crying because it crashed
Laughing on Twitter about our brand new depression
Rebooting and starting again until it works3
Be exhausted in the middle of the day and almost fell asleep while being in the office. Be tired around 20, finally feel sleep after 2h and sleeping pills. Wake up at 3, struggle till 6 when you feel asleep again, at 8 alarm clock wakes you up telling you should be leaving for work :/
Reducing coffee intake was a horrible idea.5
Waking up in the morning, sick as fuck.
Happy because I don't have to go to my IT job for the next few days.
Depressed because I'm feeling too weak to develop or learn anything at home.
Day 1 with Chromium OS: Inclusion of packages and stuff
Day 2 with Chromium OS: Setting up CI, and realize Azure is fucking gay because their own agents disconnects after 4 hours.
Day 3 with Chromium OS: resolve their shitty problem, now their own agents have no disk space. I blame Google.
Day 4 with Chromium OS: Fix CI in at 10 commits, give up and cry.
Day 5 with Chromium OS: Realized Travis might stood a chance, build time limit reached, now I'm shook.
Day 6 with Chromium OS: Buried myself with endless tabs of Gentoo documentation. Lost count on when's the last time I came out of my room.
Today with Chromium OS: I blame Google for making my life suffer more than the last time I had depression.
Conclusion: Chromium OS is Gentoo with extra steps and I hate it6
My dick is like a diamond: Disappointing and too small without expensive processes to make anyone happy.
˙ǝןqɐʇɹoɟɯoɔun s,ʇı puɐ ʇɟos "ᔭ ǝʞıן ʇı ǝʞɐɯ spǝɯ dǝǝןs ʎɯ ʇnq pɹɐɥ "ϛ˙ᄅ ǝʞıן s,ʇı10
I just returned from a 1 week vacation and my boss summonned me for a 1 on 1, and said he is not satisfied with my work, as I don't deliver "fast enough" according to him and do not show enough enthusiasm. I just nodded and didn't answer out of shock.
Background: It's my first dev job, and it's in a really fast paced startup. I have no degree, and I'm here for 3 months. I'm 23 years old, he is around 30.
I really don't know how should I feel about this. It's the first time someone tells me stuff like that and I'm kinda depressed. I know I sometimes work slower than my colleagues because I have less experience but I never thought it would come to this.
Every few years I seem to have some sort of breakdown. It slowly builds over months, I get more tired, everything gets more difficult. I’m not able to concentrate, my memory is shit and I struggle with work. I can sit at work staring at a screen for hours not having a fucking clue how to do the job I’ve been doing for the last 14 years. The work builds up, I make more mistakes and this just makes it all worse.
It culminates with me feeling completely detached from reality and wishing I could just stop breathing.
Today was that day, pushed over the edge by my self obsessed, judgemental sister-in-law, who is clueless about when to keep her dumb-ass opinions to herself. Not her fault but was just the last straw!
Luckily I had a therapy session today, which helped a bit.
Just wish it could be done and will fuck off now for another few years and let me get my life back.
Hate this fucking shitty depression. Don’t need replies to this, just needed somewhere to vent.2
Ticket waiting for code review for days. I have to rename methods.
Tickets goes again to code review. Waiting there again for days. Oops! there is something the code reviewer didn't see before!
Ticket goes to code review again, waiting for days there.
Boss comes to me telling it takes me too long to close tickets.
Being forced to leave the serenity of my home office where I'm happy and not riddled with depression to work from an open work space with long shared desks. I can't effing wait!2
When I lose a game, I look around in my life trying to find something that I'm good at and realize that I suck at everything except programming.5
So because of depression and addiction to running I lost a lot of weight two years ago. My mom is sick of hearing people calling me "skeleton" and names like that so she bought me dumbbells to gain some muscles. Thing is : I'm too busy with code and videogames to train + I'm so bad at making schedules please send help21
I have a pain in my right side at some points of the day that kinda been getting a bit more painful in the pasr few weeks.
I did a CT scan and ultrasound that didn't reveal anything odd, and am awaiting some blood and urine test results.
The options are, it reveals:
1) Something easy to fix.
2) Some end of life shit that will ruin my wife and children emotionally and financially. Also might cause even more depression to my parents.
Soo do parents like actually help when they know about depression and self harm and shit because I might have just told them and I think that was a mistake...7
Got rejected in an interview today, because I lack knowledge in Data Structures and Algorithms. 😔😞
I guess I'll have to bursh up my Algo skills again.3
The five stages of Magento
Acceptance: ... Hell no!3
Devrant lost it content, cuz there is nothing more to complain about. Everyone has already told their story. So normies come to fill the void. People who know nothing about technology except getting likes. Mostly with lame to mediocore posts that are rather far fetched in order to be called dev related.
Also a lot of good ppl seem to vanish over time. AlexDeLarge, Alice, Jase, Linuxxxx (thou he's back for now) and dfox/trogus.
Looks like we are soon going to hit a devrant depression.7
I haven't coded anything for months now, maybe 1.5 to 2 years even, because I was struggling with depression and unresolved issues. I'm still not out of it, and I'm not seeing anyone for now because of quarantine, but I've been taking antidepressants during the last months (prescribed by a doctor) and they're beginning to have a good effect. I'm feeling better by the day, and I'm looking forward to seeing a professional and getting better without the medication after the end of the coronacrisis (which isn't something I would have thought sometime ago, so that's encouraging).
Anyway, today I took my laptop and started coding again, and I really liked it, but it really felt like my mind was fucking rusted after all this time. It took me like 3 hours to write 60 limes of code. I know that by keeping coding a bit everyday I will find my old skills again, but I was wondering if you had any tip to ease the start, like doing code exercises, or trying to make a simple project. I'll take any tip to get back on the train again, as quickly and smoothly as possible.
Second question : please comfort me and tell me I'm not the only one who is suffering or has suffered from rusted mind syndrome.5
Running my own business is not going well. Hasnt for years now. Previous dev jobs were also just nightmares. I feel like i cant cut it as a freelancer, or as a full time dev. I do enjoy programming but my resume is crap and my worthwhile portfolio items are basically all locked down under NDAs or ambiguous accountability. I cant prove im even worth hiring and im almost too old to be considered for any junior role. Not that i think i could handle it. So im considering finding a new career and keeping coding as my hobby. But first i have to decide what to do about my remaining client. Which is fine because... i dont even know what i could do for a full time job now. Ugh, im so profoundly discouraged i dont even want to try and think about this anymore.
The weekly rant topic indirectly applies here but since its a bunch of self pity i decided it would be best to not tag it such...3
How the hell am I meant to get a new job in Edinburgh/Glasgow so I can learn React/Angular/Vue when no-one will hire someone without experience in those frameworks?!
I was in 2 roles back to back and in that time, every single Front End Development role now available in the market requires commercial experience in React/Angular/Vue in order to proceed.
Even the 18k Grad/Junior Development roles require commercial experience in some sort of JS Framework yet I'm certainly not a Grad/Junior.
HOW DOES ANYONE USE IT COMMERCIALLY IF THEY'VE GOT NO EXPERIENCE.
For the record, I'm a Front End Developer with 3 Years of experience with personal study experience in React.2
Dear CS students, and everyone in general
How do you deal with:
- Pressure (like having to turn in 5 homeworks and sometimes not having the time to do all of them right)
- The idea that you think you don't know shit at the end of course thinking you've done nothing but wasting time
- Severe depression from thinking that you're not studying right while looking at other people studying and doing better than you, and depression in general4
i am so much dead inside that I can't even feel depression anymore, idk how to explain, its like committing a spiritual suicide1
Currently trying to start a freelancing career and deal with rly bad anxiety and depression at the same time... Not quite sure how to motivate myself to move forward and get some jobs and cash..3
If you live in the past, then you have depression. If you live in the future, then you have anxiety. If you live in the present, then you have peace.3
When you almost cry before you sleep coz you hate your job and feel when you wake up your gonna lose another day of your life but your not getting any good offers...
Everytime I consult with senior devs on how to transition from my sysadmin job and get my first dev job they always tell me to get a CS degree.
Look. I will get that fucking degree eventually. But I want to build up dev skills and learn from a company before killing myself over math crap for 3 years. But it's like a vicious cycle. Every junior position I apply to rejects me because I have no degree.
I'm fucking frustrated and depressed.
What should I do? I want to break from the IT meme and get a dev job.
In the meantime I'm doing small projects and freelancing in my very little free time. But I feel I'll never truly be a developer until I work as one professionally.4
Back home from vacations tomorrow.
It wasn't the best time I had but the thought of returning to daily life is already giving me a stomach ache.
Gotta take care of my little pug too, my anxiety about his partial eye keratosis isn't doing great too. Since the caretakers don't apply eye medication regularly.
There's this fear of my productivity before uni begins, I really don't want my vacation to end with me returning without completing my application.
I've still got a lot to do, anyone want to partner up with me ? I've still got load balancing and failover mechanisms which I have no real-time experience with (excluding api related stuff). I've got a general idea to use nginx.
Just been on a like 4 hour no pause coding session (which is fairly long on my terms) trying out random stuff in Java.
-Classes but weird
-Weird Interfaces with weird methods
-Custom types, essentially classes
-Its 00:13 help8
Friend : Have you take a look at this part? We will discuss it this Friday.
What I want to say :
"Don't underestimate my ability to procrastinate, sleep on my problem, run away from my responsibilities, and don't give a sh*t about everything."
What I actually said:
"Of course but I will look at it again thoroughly."
Maybe my frustration and depression are not showing enough on my face.
It feels like half of what I do is just tell people that their code sucks and it needs to be replaced, then I drag them through the 5 stages of grieving the loss of an application that has them trapped in an abusive relationship.
The unique and complicated needs of our business lead to this unique and complicated architecture. This is all here for a reason, and it's all needed.
What do you mean it's going to take 6 months to rebuild this? We made MVP in 3 months!
Surely we don't need to throw it all away! There must be something worth salvaging!
Stake holders and going to think we're not getting anything done! This is a nightmare 😭
Six months later...
Holy shit thank god we got away from that glass tower before it shattered and cut us all to pieces! Side note: development velocity is on fleek. #profit3
So, I interviewed at one of the biggest investment banks for a role of software developer.
And I can't get over my interview anxiety. Shit it sucks. Breakup has made me really passive.
Anyway, it sucks to be grilled at some stupid problem solving question on a tree. I started the approach, and arrived at a wrong solution. Yeah, fuck it. Cause you always have to have a right answer. Fml.
Any credits for thinking and atleast trying to apply everything I know? Apparently no.
So only way to get hired now, is learn problem solving. * Basic problem solving -_- *
Practice 6 months or a year so you can clear the interview and then go and work on multi fucking threading.
Also, after DS algo, also prepare to answer framework, specific questions, then language specific tricky shit.
Interviews these days be like, trick questions, trick questions and then typical already existing problems on the internet under the name of problem solving.
Will I be eligible for doing multi threading then?
I think I'm depressed!1
I need your help.
I think I'm addicted to distractions and diversions. It's ruining my life and any chance to get experience.
Instead of actual developing, I constantly watch development tutorials and courses, listen to podcasts about development, read books and articles about development, post on development forums and go to development meetups.
I can't write a few lines of code without being 100% concentrated first, and afterwards I get distracted by everyday life events only to find myself at the end too tired to do anything productive and then surrender to sleep.
I'm getting depressed. How can I fight this? How can I push myself to work and be an actual developer?2
I just can't believe in what state are the "leading" eCommerce systems. It just gives me depression and I'm totally desperate. :(
After 10-15 years one is xml hell, another is insane modules DIY administration, and the last one is bugy slugish mess. Try to guess which one is which.3
So here I am, slowly recovering from neuroleptic therapy. After a long break of being unable to think at all I started to work on my side project – a website generator. I even found a designer. So this will be my first paid product ever
Note: In this rant I will ask for advices, and confess some sins. I will tell my personal story- it will be long.
So basically it has been almost 2 years since I first entered the world of software development. It has been the biggest and most important quest of my life so far, but yet I feel like I missed a lot of my objectives, and lots of stuff did not go the way I wanted them to be, and it makes feel frustrated and it lowered my self esteem greatly. I feel confused and a bit depressed, and don't know what to do.
I'll start: I'm 23 years old. 2 years ago I was still a soldier(where I live there is a forced conscription law) in a sysadmin/security role. I grew tired of the ops world and got drawn more and more into programming. A tremendous passion became to burn in me, as I began to write small programs in Python and shell scripts. I wanted to level up more seriously so I started reading programming books and got myself into a 10 month Java course.
In the meanwhile I got released from army duty and got a job as a security sysadmin at a large local telco company. Job was boring and unchallenging but it payed well. I had worked there for 1 year and at the same time learned more and more stuff from 2 best friends who have been freelance developers for years. I have learned how to build full-stack mobile apps and some webdev, mainly Android and Node.js. However because I was very inexperienced and lacked discipline, all of my side projects failed horribly, and all attempts to work with my experienced friends have failed too- I feel they lost a lot of trust for me(they don't say it, but I feel it, maybe I'm wrong).
I began to realise I had to leave this job and seek a developer job in order to get better, and my wish came true 6 months ago when I finally got accepted into a startup as a fullstack webdev, for a bit lower wage but I felt it was worth it. I was overjoyed.
But now my old problems did not end, they just changed. My new job is a thousand times harder and more intensive than the old one. I feel like it sucks all the energy and motivation that was still left in me, and I have learned almost nothing in my free time, returning home exhausted. My bosses are not impressed from my work despite me being pretty junior level, and I feel like I'm in a vicious cycle that keeps me from advancing my abilities. My developer friends I mentioned earlier have jobs like I do and still manage to develop very impressive side projects and even make a nice sum of money from them, while I can't even concetrate on stupid toy projects and learning.
I don't know why It is like this. I feel pathetic and ashamed of my developer sins and lack of discipline. During that time I also gained some weight that I'm trying t lose now... I know not all of it is my fault but it makes me feel like crap.
Sorry for the long story. I just feel I need to spill it out and hope to get some advices from you guys who may or may not have similar experiences. Thanks in advance for reading this.2
Ok, this happend to me today, i met a girl about 2 months now was the time to met in pearson i mean real life. a "Friend" was
Insisting to me for give to he the phone of the girl.
about 4 hours later i receive a message from she saying that i was a fucking depraved and stuff like that, i ask her why she was saying that and she write "Because your friend tell me that you only want to fuck with me", i ask to my friend what he did and he say "Nothing" i take his phone and view that he said that "Oh come on he is just a fucking stupid who is on the pc all the day masturbating and with windows with letters, really do you want someone who do that.". now i dont know what to do.
In my medical history I have had depression 3 times in my life with suicide attempts.
sorry for my bad english im from chile (spanish)
now i just want to fuck of all and kill myself. i need help.12
How many of us here suffer from depression or any other mental illness? And how does it hinder you from living your normal life?8
I'm not a fan. Harder to collaborate and discuss things with coworkers. I'm constantly fighting the urge to turn towards my gaming pc and start playing something. I only have one monitor instead of the 2 I have in the office. I suffer from depression and the social isolation will definitely exacerbate that. The commute to my office is less than 15 minutes so I'm barely saving any time there. Pretty much the only benefit for me is not needing headphones to listen to music.2
Hello dear fellow programmers,
Lately I'm faced with an issue: i can't code. It takes me a really long time to get my codeengine running and it stops on the first occasion, it either be a cigarette pause, a question from a coworker or what ever.
I love code and I have a blast when I start but I have a hard time starting it.
What to do? I'm a bit at a loss here1
I just finished my studies and was oozing of self-esteem. just finished a week in my new job as a system developer. Every night I cry myself asleep and wonder why we did not learn some of the most essential topics and why we learn about stuff from the stone age at the university. will be admitted to an mental hospital due to depression and low self confidence.
When I've started IT school and I've met my schoolmates and teachers... I thought "my skills are probably wasted, it looks like it's not what I need in my life"
That's why I've fallen in depression 2 times in these 3 years
Then I've realized that my schoolmates and teachers needed my skills, that's why they've stopped their life at teaching programming in such a stupid way (they don't even know what "break;" is used for)...2
I've not coded for quite some time but when people ask me to tell a story about my depression I write a code.
When depression is hovering your back, it sucks when a potentially project breaking API update from a third party appears with shiny new features and your team glamour that we should implement it soon, but internally you scream that will break so much stuff and clients will be mad at you
Me: If I am going to refactor this code I should use test driven design
*Reads SO answer about TDD*
SO: you know ahead of time what each part of the program must achieve
Me: Well that was a pleasant thought.
*hides under my desk in depression*
Been fighting with PDD (dysthymia) for about 7 years now, does any of you suffer from mental disorder (depression, anxiety, things like that) and has some advice to share?4
How difficult is it to get an entry level programming job without a CS degree?
I'm gettin fed up with all of my shitty university's bullshit. They constantly try to make a fool out of me, the classes are crap, most of them have nothing to do with programming, and every single fucking day i am constantly anxious about my upcoming exams (that are nearly impossibly hard) and I can never know for sure whether the info that my teachers give me is correct or not.
I am seriously considering dropping out of this fuckfest, but I don't know if I can start making a living after that.16
does this happen to anyone else?
so every time i am happy, but like really happy and everything in the day goes very well, i am thankful for being alive and truly love life etc, at the end of that day or the next day something hits me and i fall into depression because i remember all the problems i was ignoring while being happy. this has actually happened a lot of times so every time i am really happy i automatically remember how is this temporary happiness gonna end, so i try hard not to be happy in order to avoid deeper depression later. and whats the point of living if ur not happy?4
Basic imposter syndrome and fear of getting called out on something and losing my job.
Or in my current situation where I have a terrible bastard of a manager, fear of not getting my resume updated and start calling people about jobs.
If I got fired right now, I honestly wouldn't care that much. This world is going to shit.
Btw guys... It isn't a real burn out if you get better by yourself in weeks or months without lots of medication... A burn out is a type of depression with lots of health problems associated, anxiety, intestinal problems, bolimy or anorexy... Constant pain, stress, muscular atrophy...7
I know depression can be at a spike these days, but you know, when the frontend developer is like in hiatus for 2 weeks because of that... And just tells our boss like "hey I'm having serious problems with the frontend code", that's a shitty thing to do, like dude, quit or be honest with our boss so he would know how to handle this batshit1
What do you do when your family time conflicts with your work time? What can I do to rotate my work schedule forward so I can get some fucking sleep without giving up on either work or my family?
This sucks, I get like 5 hours of sleep at night and my job wants me to be here no later than 9 for whatever reason.
Not to mention my commute is about 45-60 minutes both ways
Not to mention I'm making just enough money to cover my bases. Going to Costa Rica for a vacation is no where near my ability.. hell even driving across the state for a weekend trip would be wildly out of budget.
I've tried asking for a flexible schedule and ability to work from home as needed but its just become a circular debate.
I'm getting burned out and always feel tired, have no energy to stay motivated or give a shit7
Did a programming contest today. Can't say I did horrible, but I didn't do very well either.
One thing I did learn though: I prefer contests where I directly compete against other people's code (bot programming contests) over "who can comprehend and type this the fastest"
So I bought a gtx1650 gpu for my old phenom II X4 pc. It didn’t work – the screen vent black in like five minutes after powering up the pc.
I was disappointed, but instead of returning the gpu, I bought all the other components to build a new pc on ryzen cpu. Including the gpu, it all was like $400 and I still have all my old parts to sale.
Now I’m here, playing all the latest games like doom and wolfenstein on ultra in 1080p 60fps and I’m more than happy.
I basically found a way to convert my bad experience into good experience. I’m just off my therapy, so all that bad experiences that may seem insignificant are a big deal for me.
I didn’t knew it was possible to make a good emotions out of bad emotions that easy. If only I knew the way to apply this strategy for any arbitrary situation.
(please miss me with that boomer bullshit like “nothing is wrong stop whining and get over it” etc. I’ve been there, I’ve done that and I needed medical treatment afterwards. “Getting over it” just doesn’t work)6
/ | | \
Now I know :
Hacker wallpaper , motivational quotes, drinking dark coffee, listening to metal music, wearing black hoodies and other stuff like this ...
WON'T MAKE ME ANYTHING !
I feel like a dummy :/8
I was asked to revisit some code yesterday - code that I had written at a much better time in my life. I was productive, I was on top of my project and we were delivering value to the organization.
I'm at a point now where I haven't written any code for months. I've been documenting and designing and arguing with teammates over inane shit. It's been an absolute slog, and I've started looking at what it would take for me to actually quit since I've got a kid on the way, and I've been bringing the stress and anxiety home from work. I've got so much money in options and salary, it's basically impossible for me to leave for better work.
I'd consider this the lowest point in my professional career. Four years of college - where I beat alcoholism and depression (mostly) only to end up at a place that I fucking hate, but cannot leave. It's affecting my family. I've drank more in the past 6 months than I have in my entire life.
And now I have to start repurposing old code to work on a new project that is fucked up 5 ways from Sunday. I honestly don't know how much further I can stretch my professional ethics to keep this shitload of cash flowing into my savings.2
It sucks when you’re also poor cause you need to go out to ex. empty trash can. If you’re living in small apartment it will get claustrophobic sooner or later. If you live with family you’re hero if you won’t kill them.
Now if I can’t travel around I see no gain at all and only pain points.
So if you can’t afford big house with swimming pool, gardener, maid, bar and bartender, private lake and car racing track you still need to go outside of your property.
So if you’re poor and you’re working remotely during pandemic you will most likely gain depression, claustrophobia and other mental illness that will sooner or later ruin your and other people’s life except psychologists if only you can afford one.3
So I tried to fix an app today that we made for a client ...
It's a Cordova project that's basically jus a wrapper for a certain section of the client's website that's displayed inside an iframe inside said app (with a bit of additional CSS and such). It's all working fine.
The problem is, said scrolling effect inside said iframe does not work inside the iOS version of the app (does, however, when the content of the iframe is viewed (by just visiting the URL) inside Safari), instead, the iframe just scrolls back to top.
So after five and a half hours of depression, anger and rage, also some repetetive cursing towards Apple (just like every time something has to do with their awful products), my boss walks in, looks at me and says:
"I'd be fine with it, if I just had to manually scroll instead".
If it wasn't 5pm already (I usually go home at 6), I would've just left the room / gone home or gotten my salad from the fridge to have something to release my anger on.
Seriously though, what the fuck!?
After a year and a half of semi-depression stuck in a Master Science in SE (while I'm a CS student in machine learning and don't give a bloody fuck about java plugins), I finally decided to switch to a CS major.
No more research money but damn, did not feel that relieved in one year !
Lesson learned : don't pick a job or whatever just because it's better paid !
Having to approach your manager and bringing you that you haven't been meeting your deadlines due to being distracted dealing with depression is by far one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.. If you need help reach out someone is always willing to help!4
Not sure if it's appropriate here...
I think I am getting more affected by the "depression"... Lower productivity, restless sleeps, etc.
I quoted "depression" because I think it's a medical term that I need to get diagnosed before confirming it. I am thinking maybe I need to see a doctor on this but don't know where to start.
Any Hong Kongers here, sharing the same feel?...
Here after a long time
I'm getting way to stressed with the assignments my college is throwing at me atm
I can feel the depression returning to me
I am quite mentally unstable (after way too long)
From my home, I'm already at record low productivity but the college is not letting it slide off just yet...2
Deciding to do some work is much harder than actually doing any. This New Year Depression is killing me.
Those times when something just won't work and you have no idea why, and how to fix it and hours or even days passed without any progress and you wonder if you even deserve to eat dinner...
Help!!! I've been experiencing a withdrawal from programming for several months! I want/need to get back into the loop again! I stopped working on personal projects and taking online courses or learning languages, frameworks and tools. I get distracted after writing 2 lines of my Go practice project. Please, I lost my hyperfixation on programming, which is causing me depression, anxiety and guilt.
Has some of you lost your interest temporarily and returned to programming again? I'd like to know what brought you back, what made your hyperfixation return.12
Is quiting university because of obvious reasons to pursue a freelance web developer career a smart move?
I am just 21, sick of my teachers and environment and I feel that I would eventually fall into depression if I stay . I love to code, I dream code literally.
What are the long term consequences which I can't think of.
Devs please help me make a smart choice before I make biggest or smartest move of my life.
I am making just enough to sustain myself. Just Brought a MacBook air worth 1000k with little help from family.
Will not having a degree be an obstacle in my dev career.23
In response to my own previous rant (https://devrant.com/rants/1538792/...) , I try and help my self, I asked few questions to my self, What do you need in life to live?
> a couple of friends
> a (good) job
> a girlfriend (optional)
> a sufficient salary
and I've got almost all of that, so I'm being optimistic on wards , and I'm installing Ubuntu so there's that, in the end it matters if your're *happy* and with all of this I still am not happy, I am being optimistic but not happy, there's something left out from, there's something I'm still missing out9
I have a problem. I can't do anything.
I can't really get started with the new path of software development. I have lots of stuff (like *tidying the room* or *exercise* or something good for my life) do but in the end all the things I have to do are tangled up. So learning usually gets in the pile of tangled up shit.
I try to use organisational tools. But my focus is zero.
Mental health issues don't help.
I think I would put at good use a few coding buddies, mentors, whatever... Self paced courses dont work for me. Bonus point of notgettingshitdone if online course.
I have low self esteem and I'm not trying to hide it.
I hate myself to the fucking core.7
Cause or effect ?
Or maybe the people who play games aren't idiots, so don't depress you, whilst most people on social media are..
I dunno, what do you think !5
I’ll let you know in a few weeks when I shake off the Christmas lethargy and depression. Happens every year and it kills me.
Exactly 1 week ago i had my final test as an apprentice...
i also got a job in the current company i work on... i thought something changes is responsibility... but actually as an apprentice i literally worked like a Jr. Dev.
Lol, didn't know actual Work as a professional was just as much as i had when i was an apprentice. (Also working on the same stuff. lul)
(Actually, i kind of got happier once i have completed it... but yeah depression don't just turn on and off xD)2
My weekends always end up in depression not because i know i have to work tomorrow but because tired of being alone even though i started the day with totally awesome content..
There needs to be a new (MOOC) class for people like me.
Hi, I'm William. I can't get my head around designing systems. I've read GoF and a few breakdowns of it as well. I find some patterns obvious for my field of interest (game dev, woot!) while I'm reading through the stuff, but have a pretty hard time retaining much of it. I'm aware of the danger of over using patterns, so I don't worry that much about it. I'll look something up when I'm sure I need it.
Still, I'm tired of the tutorial blues. I can watch a few different people write entire games, usually not in the language of choice, but that only helps me so much.
How do I fight scope creep? In the meantime, how can I make things extensible? Scope does need to creep some, after all.
People joke about starting with (visual) BASIC ruining you forever. I don't believe in that crap, but is this just denial? Am I too dumb for this? Not that I'd ever seriously blame a language for that.
I've been a hobbyist for well over 10 years, please don't make me count exactly how long I've been unsuccessful.
I'm baffled by Löve. I think it's the coolest shit I've seen, maybe ever (unless we're counting IPFS).
I think what really prompted this rant, apart from the obvious degradation of my mental health, was my search for an entity component system for Löve/Lua. Hold your replies. I know there's a few of them, and I'm positive that they're fantastic. I'd roll my own, but that requires actual Lua specific knowledge that I just haven't dug all that deep into yet. I can't wrap my head around the ones that exist, even though I can tell their complexity is next to none really.
I have severe tool anxiety, I'm shocked that I've stuck with ZeroBrane Studio as long as I have. It feels good though.
Sorry to use this as "Devs Anonymous", but I think that's how this community helps (me) best.
I feel like I should stop now and just say: Advice? before this gets much deeper/less readable.
I seem to have a really bad case of evening depression. If that's even a thing
I'm super happy and full of energy but as soon as it's dark outside I become a depressed sack of shit with no drive to work on anything 😔6
New college is big enough to let my legs hurt in pain while small enough to have carts for transport
Besides I'm slowly going to depression whereas I already left coffee (as in not to take anymore)
So there is no coming back6
Hey guys it might seem like i'm ranting a lot about this but, I just can't help it. Apologies for that.
So i suffer from migraine, almost everyday. And the pain, mood swings just kill me. I can't remember a thing, I'm not able to focus on simple tasks. And on top of that no one understands what I go through. I feel like this freaking disease is getting the best of me.
I'm just losing confidence everyday bit by bit. I'm thinking of quitting my job, and taking a career break for sometime, in hopes that it would help.
Feel like i'm totally screwed. Does anyone else feel like this?2
So, for about two days ago I got hit with a crazy anxiety attack. My chest started to tighten and things seemed dark at the time.
I'm a CS freshmen this year and I find myself struggling with some subjects. I felt like I've dissapointed a lot of people that I really cared. Anxiety attacks have been happening recently. Do you guys have any advice for dealing with anxiety attacks ?
*sorry for the bad english4
I'm currently working on a dynamics CRM project which has been going on for almost a year, we're on week 19 of defect rectification brought on by a mixture of the clients abysmal testing and spec writing and the pain of debugging in Dynamics.
This project has left me emotionally and physically drained. I used to love where I worked and the guys I worked with but right now I'm the lowest I've felt in a long time.
I have autism and I really struggle with situations I have little control over, I also pride myself on being able to diagnose and fix problems quickly, I've been working on the same 2 bugs for the last 3 week's. I squashed one on Friday but this other one is persistent and I feel like it's killing me.
I've mentioned my low mood to my boss who could only say "It will be over soon". Well I was supposed to be transferred to a new none dynamics project in September, but yeah that didn't happen.
I really enjoy Angular and I've found this long project has caused my skills in it to rust to the point where even the most basic elements are a struggle.
I hate Dynamics and I hate the prospect of going in tomorrow and facing it again.
Had a really really good interview last week I think. And the weirdest thing was that he was friends with my ex bosses so we talked about them a lot. Lots of jokes. So I thought ooh slam dunk.
But now apparently I’m not going forward “based in part of what they said”
Fuck my life. Fuck you. You fucked me over during my time at your company and I tried to be civil cause I thought we somehow became friends.
But. Fuck you all to hell. I’ve been struggling to find something and been in a state a depression since the horrible experience I’ve been trying to be positive on.
Don’t even get me going on how I ended up leaving the company4
What's the general consensus on the forced training courses? We now have a 3rd party arranging a course about FooBar and our managers though it was a great idea for everyone in my team to participate. Since...well you don't know when you need FooBar, so it's good to learn it now! And any education is only good. Makes employees smarter.
Except that I am not interested on FooBar. I don't use it. I can google it when I need it. I can read a book. I could travel to a 3-day course with 9 hours of straight lecturing per day and 200 slides with 10 second pause between them. But I am dead shit sure that after 30mins you lose the focus and after 1 week you remember nothing.
And everyone who's ever been on any company arranged courses, you know that there's always some guy who already knows everything. So starting from the first second he wants to challenge the trainer. Have a dialogue. Discuss about the problems that he has seen. Noone else cares. So you have 30 people listening to 2 guys debating.
But hey, maybe after 6-12months our company starts using FooBar and then we have a couple of dozen geniuses who have taken that multi-thousand-euro class. Or not.
At least you get a cup of coffee and a sandwich on mornings and afternoons.2
In my school it is possinle(after a system update) to use the taskmanager at out windows pcs.
I could send any installed security/content restricion application to hell
How does one find a remote job as a junior dev? Dealing with some mental issues that keeps me away from a normal physical workplace at the moment but really need to start earn some cash.. I dont need a massive salary, just enough to afford rent and food would be lovely.2
I starting developing my skills to a pro level from 1 year and half from now. My skillset is focused on Backend Development + Data Science(Specially Deep Learning), some sort of Machine Learning Engineer. I fill my github with personal projects the last 5 months, and im currently working on a very exciting project that involves all of my skills, its about Developing and deploy a Deep Learning Model for Image Deblurring.
I started to look for work two months to now. I applied to dozens of jobs at startups, no response. I changed my strategy a bit, focusing on early stage startups that dont have infinite money for pay all that senior devs, nothing, not even that startups wish to have me in their teams. I even applied to 2 or 3 and claim to do the job for little payment, arguing im not going for money but experience, nothing. I never got a reply back, not an interview, the few that reach back(like 3, from 3 or 4 dozen of startups), was just for say their are not interested on me.
This is frustrating, what i do on my days is just push forward my personal projects without rest. I will be broke in a few months from now if i dont get a job, im still young, i have 21 years, but i dont have economic support from parents anymore(they are already broke). Truly dont know what to do. Currently my brother is helping me with the money, but he will broke in few months as i say.
The worst of all this case is that i feel capable of get things done, i have skills and i trust in myself. This is not about me having doubts about my skills, but about startups that dont care, they are not interested in me, and the other worst thing is that my profile is in high demand, at least on startups, they always seek for backend devs with Machine Learning knowledge. Im nothing for them, i only want to land that first job, but seems to be impossible.
For add to this situation, im from south america, Venezuela, and im only able to get a remote job, because in my country basically has no Tech Industry, just Agencies everywhere underpaying devs, that as extent, dont care about my profile too!!! this is ridiculous, not even that almost dead Agencies that contract devs for very little payment in my country are interested in me! As extra, my economic situation dont allows me to reallocate, i simple cant afford that. planning to do it, but after land some job for a few months. Anyways coronavirus seems to finally set remote work as the default, maybe this is not a huge factor right now.
I try to find job as freelancer, i check the freelancer sites(Freelancer, Guru and so on) every week more or less, but at least from what i see, there is no Backend-Only gigs for Python Devs, They always ask for Fullstack developers, and Machine Learning gigs i dont even mention them.
Maybe im missing something obvious, but feel incredible that someone that has skills is not capable of land even a freelancer job. Maybe im blind, or maybe im asking too much(I feel the latter is not the case). Or maybe im overestimating my self? i think around that time to time, but is not possible, i have knowledge of Rest/GraphQL APIs Development using frameworks like Flask or DJango(But i like Flask more than DJango, i feel awesome with its microframework approach). Familiarized with containerization and Docker. I can mention knowledge about SQL and DBs(PostgreSQL), ORMs(SQLAlchemy), Open Auth, CI/CD, Unit Testing, Git, Soft DevOps Skills, Design Patterns like MVC or MTV, Serverless Environments, Deep Learning Solutions, end to end: Data Gathering, Preprocessing, Data Analysis, Model Architecture Design, Training and Finetunning. Im familiarized with SotA techniques widely used now days, GANs, Transformers, Residual Networks, U-Nets, Sequence Data, Image Data or high Dimensional Data, Data Augmentation, Regularization, Dropout, All kind of loss functions and Non Linear functions. My toolset is based around Python, with Tensorflow as the main framework, supported by other libraries like pandas, numpy and other Data Science oriented utils.
I know lot of stuff, is not that enough for get a Junior Level underpaid job? truly dont get it, what is required for get a job? not even enough for get an interview?
I have some dev friends and everyone seems to be able to land jobs, why im not landing even an interview?
I will keep pushing my Dev career, is that or starve to death. But i will love to read your suggestions! how i can approach this?
i will leave here my relevant social presence:
Thanks in advance!11
Why avoid? Maybe it's part of the experience. Lets you appreciate a good company even more.
(That said my first employer was a bit.. twisted. Small, workaholic family, hands on. Lots of pressure. Probably drove some into depression or burn out. Learnt a ton though, and maybe made me a bit more thick-skinned)
Too early in the year for goals so far, but I'll give it a shot. Here's what I'm gunning for in the short-term:
Week 85 - 2018 Dev/Coding Goals:
- Continue educating myself in the Rust programming language (I feel like I dropped the ball there last year, Rust is easy to get programmer's block because it's syntax isn't always clear what should be done with it and/or why, the references. Ugghh fml).
- Get feature parity of PYXReloaded with it's predecessor, and get most of the planned features implemented. Friends of mine really want this and like screencaps I've sent already. It's a project I've been working on with @Gianlu for the past few days.
Week 85 - 2018 General/Personal Goals:
- Get over my motivational issues.
- Get over my depression/loneliness
- Get over my social anxiety.
I'm trying to better myself, both in coding and personal life. I fucking love this community. I used to use Reddit to find posts exactly like the ones here, but this is wayyy better and has everything all in one place.
Have a prosperous 2018, guys. Remember not to look at what you want to get done in just 365 days. You need to see the big picture.
Haven't been on here in quite awhile. Hoping I can get inspired to work on a project or something. This depression has been real, especially during this quarantine period I'm currently in.
Any good tuto sharing about dispatch queue on swift 4? Have already googled the subject, but any real experience will be greatly appreciated.