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Client: "Do you think we could finish specs in week 33, see a demo in week 35, and aim for the product to be finished in week 39?"

I jump on the conference room table, rip the shirt off my sweaty chest, and yell:

"WEEKS OF WHAT? 31 WEEKS SINCE YOU BECAME A CLIENT, 35 WEEKS FROM NOW, 39 WEEKS INTO THE PREGNANCY? BLOODY FUCKING HELL MAN, DO YOU HAVE TO TALK LIKE A RETARD?"

Client, unfazed: "Weeks since the start of the year, sir"

Me, swinging my pants above my head like a lasso:

"WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SNOWFLAKE ARE YOU, YOU REALLY EXPECT ME TO COUNT THE WEEKS SINCE THE START OF THE YEAR? WHAT ABOUT JUST USING DAY OF THE MONTH YOU OBNOXIOUS DIMWIT?"

Client: "We always use weeks at our company to plan things"

Me, winding the legs of my pants around the neck of the client:

"I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE USE WEEKNUMBERS, JAKE. I. FUCKING. HATE. IT."

Client, still pretending everything is fine: "If you want I could send you a screenshot of my outlook calendar?"

Me, sitting in underpants on the client's back, sweaty legs wrapped around his waist, trying to pull out his gel-infested manager-hair while strangling him with my pants:

"TIME OF DEATH, UNIX TIMESTAMP 1595240810, ISO 8601 DATE 2020-07-20T10:26:50+00:00. ANOTHER PROJECT SUCCESSFULLY WRAPPED UP"

(parts of this story may have been dramatized to reflect my underlying emotions)

Comments
  • 8
    utc i like it
  • 15
    Make this a porn movie and I'll pay for it
  • 32
    Time of death means nothing to me without a week number.
  • 5
    Which parts have been dramatised? Oh wait, you did not really convert the time of death Unix timestamp to iso, did you?
  • 8
    Using week numbers is pretty standard in Sweden, and probably other countries as well
  • 7
    @matt-jd You're lucky there's water in between us, you dirty skitstövel!
  • 4
  • 1
    Ah week numbers. Everything in week numbers. Iz gud.
  • 3
    fuck I hate week numbers. I hated the customer who used them.
  • 1
    Nice that you mentioned it's dramatised, for a second there I thought it was real. /s
  • 8
    What's the point of using week numbers or dates anyway? They´re never met. It's like some managerial daydream and alchemy.

    "Let's plan, that this thing that we don't have any idea what it is, would take 3.42 weeks to do. And the testing of this unknown thing takes 5.21 weeks. We have nobody writing the requirements but the spec will be ready in 2.74 weeks. So we'll agree that the release date is 2020-09-03 and 1300 hours." Three months later we still don't have the requirements.

    My way is better: I will start coding when the leaves turn yellow. Around Christmas there might be some testing. The thing will be hopefully ready before the next summer. In the best case, when the birds return. In the worst case, when the birds leave. Or actually, in the worst case it'll never be done. Put that in your managerial pipe and smoke it.
  • 2
    OMFG 不不不不不不

    I. CAN'T. BREATHE.
  • 0
    When you wrote "Jake" I imagined it was jake from state farm.

    It made this rant 1351% better.
  • 1
    Wad week is dis lmao
  • 1
    Thank you for the interesting visuals
  • 5
    If i die, I'm definitely putting a utc timestamp on the gravestone
  • 3
    @hashedram you mean "when", right? 突
  • 3
    @NoMad I think if is more correct. It's very likely that we all die, but it's very difficult to be absolutely sure.

    Maybe we'll find a way to preserve and repair brains, or even continuously repair whole bodies in the next 50 years, prolonging your life with a few centuries. Just don't fall in lava pools, and try to keep your head out of wood chipping machines and you're fine.

    In those few centuries... you never know.

    Although you'd get into all kinds of metaphysical debates about what it means to die -- if you copy your exact brainpattern to some anorganic storage, did you transfer your consciousness or birth a new intelligence which is deluded into thinking they're you?

    And then there's the heat death of the universe... Maybe "How to stop or reverse entropy without killing yourself" will be a popular self-help book at a quadrillion years.

    It's gonna be an uphill battle, but I'm an optimist, I'd stick with "If".
  • 3
    @NoMad

    If you replace the nerve cells in your brain, one by one, at what point do you turn into a boat? That's what Theseus was wondering, I think.
  • 3
    @bittersweet so... Do we aim for immortality now? Because if so, I'll be working less and enjoying more before my 20s come to an end!

    **cries while continuing to study**
  • 1
    @NoMad But maybe you're the one who will make humans immortal, all you have to do is study more!
  • 1
    @bittersweet I'll pass. (for immortality) so I'll have to go study now so that I can get smarter and richer before I die!
  • 1
    CW deadlines are standard in pretty much whole EU and all Asian countries I ever worked with for at least 20 years. Keep up.
  • 2
    @cprn Standards can be wrong.
  • 0
    so you basically acted like a child while your clients tried to make things better. alright.
  • 0
    @NoMad become rich, enjoy your thirties.

    "thats unrealistic. survivorship bias!"

    I dont care. Do you think the people who became wealthy were focused on that?
  • 1
    @Wisecrack most of them, yah!
  • 2
    @NoMad no I mean survivor bias, but you're clever!

    Wealth was absolutrly a desire, but the aim was to solve a problem.
  • 0
    once again cant type for fuckall on this tiny phone.
  • 1
    @bittersweet True. Still, depends on how many there are. When it comes to periods of time you there are two major ones, you can say "between Monday and Wednesday, July 27th to 29th" or you can say "calendar week 31". Using CW has a gentle learning curve, it's hard to misunderstand each other and forces some tolerance for delays (at least 5 working days).
  • 1
    I suggest you start using timestamp to estimate / calculating the timeline
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