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This is not a happy rant...

Got a new well paying job. Moving up in life. But my wife is not in the same place... She had quite a few career struggles and just lost her current job... It wasn't even a job she went to school for, just whatever she could find...

Now she's getting quite depressed. Luckily she's not envious at me, but does keep saying how lucky she is to have me.

I really want to help her somehow, but this is really a thing I just don't know how... And it just looks like she's not handling it too well. Joking about suicide and crying about being useless... She also keeps saying that all she can do now is be a housewife. We did seek out help for her. But still... I really want to give her better support. I feel useless here.

Comments
  • 3
    usually, this kind of thoughts visits one when one does not have a goal to focus on. If I were you I'd prolly suggest her something she could do (not necessarily for money) on her free time. Embroidery, knitting, painting or some other crafts she could show and tell to others.

    FTR there are embroidery kits that take days to complete. Others might take months or years, depending on her skills and effort.

    What I'm saying is that while she has too much free time on her hands she should stay busy to keep her away from the depression abyss. While she's doing that, she could get in touch with other crafters (e.g. via FB groups). This should work well with her frustrated needs for communication, and it's quite likely someone in those groups could help her out with her search for a job ;)

    All people need some goals or a purpose in life. (most) Women need to communicate. And it's your job to support her and keep her sane at this hard time.
  • 3
    My wife is into cross stitching. It's helped her through many difficult places in her life so far. And it's very much like programming :) Time flies by before you know it and the result can decorate any cloth, bagpack, hat or a pillow you want. If you get good, you could do orders as well :) I mean it's not just a way to kill time - it creates value too. If she wants, she can also monetize it (but the fun might become a job, so careful there)
  • 1
    Watch out with 'help'.

    I have no idea what to do about it but just wanted to wish you strength
  • 1
    That's rough.
    If you're financially stable, does she need to work for the sake of work, or is there something else she could be doing to find the fulfillment? Studying a new career path, starting a small business, volunteering in something etc.

    Hope things work out.
  • 0
    Networking? Introduce her to people you know who may know other people?
    LinkedIn profile updated.
    Recruitment agencies contacted.
    It's a shitty thing to go through
  • 2
    Please try to get her in to therapy ASAP. It may or may not help if you start going together. But however you can get her through the door do it. She needs to uncouple her self worth from her job, which ironically tends to help tremendously in finding a job. There’s also probably some more issues in there to unpack.
  • 0
    @jeeper I did never see it helping anyone including myself. Especially not for depression. 'ASAP'.. I really hope you have experience yourself there and a few successtories before you forge people there
  • 2
    Sometimes I am my wife’s rock, sometimes she is my rock.

    And sometimes the right one of us is even the rock at the right time when the other one needs it.
  • 1
    What @netikras wrote.. crafting with hands helps a lot, at least it did wonders for me.. I was making simple friendship bracelets..
    If possible she should take a walk in nature and do some excercises, set up a daily routine..

    About FB & social media & networking.. I'd advise against that at this time as I see it only makes me more depressed to see the news about what's going on around the world.. once she's back up on the horse, sure.. but all depends on what kind of person she is..

    Also try to say/convey you love her much (I hope you do, cuz helping a depressed person will take a toll on you, even if you love her tons!!) and try to be supportive of her as much as you can.

    It sux to explain why are you depressed, all just feels like shit & blagh, even the things you normally love to do..it's not easy to explain & there's no on/off switch to magically get out of this shit..

    Try to get her into therapy, it pinpoints the things in life that makes her unstable and unhappy and she can work from there. It might help her in the long run.

    Also daily routine.. to do lists.. small things.. wake up on time, do the excersises, shower, brush teeth, take the dog out etc.. small tasks, she can tick off to get tje sense of acomplishment..

    And a diary.. I slept for 4h.. woke up refreshed.. I did x,y,z to feel better... Did it help? Did I do what I decided to do for the day etc.. not to be used as evidence in case of failing simple thigs, but to see that with small steps a lot can be done.
  • 1
    @rooter IMHO it all depends on the therapist.. you need to find a person that clicks and therapy can help you..
    If you've not come to terms that you need therapy and/or had the wrong kind of person do it, ofc it won't help & you'll end up feeling it's useless. Like with everything in life, one thing can do wonders for person a, but same thing might not help person b. This is why it's important that you check out more options..same goes with therapists, I'm sure if you'd find 'the one', it could help you too & you wouldn't feel like it's a waste of time.
  • 3
    I was exactly in the same situation.

    I have a fruitful career, am happy in my job and earn enough to support both of us comfortably. Her, on the other side struggled to find a job or something to do with her life for a little more than 3 years (despite her degrees).

    She also said she was lucky to be with me but was clearly unhappy with the thought of being a housewife.

    What help was to always be supportive and understanding, to make her understand that she don't have to force herself on job she won't like (I can support her, so she could take her time to find a goal and to experiment) and to keep her mind busy.

    We searched together for opportunities that she might like, we started to learn tango and she re-started to draw and paint. In the end, she decided she wanted to become a searcher so we look for universities that she could join and she started a PhD a few weeks ago. It took her nearly two years to get accepted but at least she had a goal.

    And now she is really happy!
  • 1
    @sladuled appreciate your time and the lenght of your comment but I'm experienced in this subject since youth. I never saw what you described in decades. So I can't even upvote it, because i think 'help' is dangerous and never the first thing to try. But again, thanks for effort
  • 3
    @rooter I know you are meaning to say therapy alone won’t cure generalized clinical depression. However, in this case I think it’s fairly able to be inferred that rusty’s wife has acute depression caused by a sense of loss of self worth by not finding a job and therapy can definitely help with that.

    You have said “watch out with help” but offered no suggestions or actual reasons why getting therapy didn’t help you. Even if it does not help, provided most therapy can be found to be covered by insurance or paid on a sliding scale, it is a small amount to lose if it’s no help, and a big amount to gain.

    I think you mean well, but instead of just cautioning people against seeking help in the future consider elaborating on what therapy didn’t help you with and, if applicable, the flaws in the relationship with your therapist.
  • 1
    @rooter Dunno from which country you are to have such shit experience, but here we have (well had before corona shit happened, now everything is chaos..) decent health care & therapists and in the long run therapy helped out a lot of people I personally know with their problems, including depression.
  • 1
    @jeeper somewhere else on this forum you can read in details. You have to search my comments if you want to know.

    @sladuled in the Netherlands, I think it should be OK

    But let's quit here. Topic starter wants input, not me. I just don't wanted him to go for 'help' to soon :) Which was my only advise I had to offer
  • 1
    @rooter Yeah, this is odd, was expecting somewhere outside of EU.. will stalk you a bit here when I have the time cuz now I'm curiois af what was your experience.. also sorry to hear you had a shitty experience with all this.. :(
  • 1
    @sladuled I can't ignore nice messages smso also @jeeper: https://devrant.com/rants/3321297/...

    And also there it was not a popular comment as you see but it's true. Because of this attitude of my mother, I was in this business since six. Would like to tell you more but not on devrant or someone else his rant.

    Don't fall in the mistake that a specific developed country has magic cures because in my case - you'll find out (OK, maybe not everyone) that it's not true.

    Also I want to include - when I was young I didnt cooperate. The issues started when I did and had expectations.

    Ergo, I don't say its a solution, it's worth a try, but watch out! :) And watching out is hard when depressed. Depression affects your brain and kills intelligence
  • 2
    @rooter Ok, our convo makes a lot more sense now (at least to me)..

    In our country psychiatrist & psychotherapist (therapist) are separate things, one perscribes meds (& most don't care what is happening to you & why, they offer just immediate help via meds), the other helps with talking it out, dissecting your problems & psyche. Kinda like a best friend but with educated background..

    My opinion is therapists yes, go for it,
    psychiatrist..well..only if you must & with caution.

    My backstory: Had to change a couple of psychiatrists before I found someone who actually listened to what my problem were, not just tried to perscribe me sedatives o.O One didn't wanna change my meds for ocd even after I had diarrhea for a week & hardly managed to eat anything.. I've lost 10kg due to this shit and when I said I had problems with this type and I want different ones, she said side effects will pass.. When?! & pass what?! Pass me out?! I asked then if she can sign the sick leave until side effects vanish & she was like why, there's nothing wrong with taking meds & working..?! Um..wtf?! Cuz I can hardly stand up as we speak and can't really work from the toilet, WFH wasn't a thing back then.. I also was totally burned out, could hardly get up one floor without pausing.

    Anyhow, changed her out, the next one checked my meds history and was shocked when I told him what happened. Immediately changed meds & removed the sedatives.. so yeah, it makes sense to look for someone who listenes to your problems, either psychiatrist or therapist..but neither should have their money before your health attitude..
  • 3
    And I see noone has mentioned fresh fruits & veggies yet.. this also helps, eating healthy (if she's not already).. and getting into regular sleep cycle.

    I know when I'm tired & feeling depressed I go for comfort food, but regret it later & get more depressed..
  • 0
    @sladuled we have the same system with devision of therapist and psychotherapist too. Afaik you can't see a psychotherapist without therapist before in 'normal' conditions.

    Your story is 'great'. Ok, i adjust. I talk about psychotherapy indeed.

    The fresh foods & veggie stuff indeed. And... Sports! Well, you can't expect someone being depressed to sport. Last thing on agenda. It looks like them like building a house where nobody is gonna live in. So, i think they should have some sport trainer or something before every session.

    I was in clinic for a few weeks. I wasn't allowed to sport 🙄 They had a gym for God's sake. I'm great in discussions. But they said it doesn't matter what you say because 'You have a mania'.

    About medicine, I love myself. That medicine is not for people loving themselves. About different meds is a new chapter.

    Sports & healthy food could became more important for topic starter's wife since we're aging
  • 2
    @sladuled @rooter yea I’m ok with the skepticism about prescription drugs that mess with brain chemistry. I was l referring exclusively to therapy in the sense of talking to someone educated on mental issues usually with the goal of *avoiding* the need for medication.
  • 2
    @jeeper me2.. I mean I'm advocating to get therapy before you think about resorting to drugs.. in some cases they cannot be avoided though, but it depends from case to case.
    Anti depression drugs tend to make you feel even worse when you start taking them, so I'd advise to do so only in controlled environment, but at times like these, it's almost impossible to get hospitalised for anything other than corona..at least in our country. #coronaSuxBallz :/
  • 3
    @luzin @rooter @sladuled

    Thanks for your support! It was very insightful reading your messages. I've encourage her to take on some more hobbies in the meanwhile.

    She is doing a bit better. Though, one good thing to add is that we are expecting a kid :)

    A lot of the extra depression she has been having lately is tied to that.

    We are going for walks quite often now, and I think she's getting a bit into a better mood (though still some swings given where she is at in the pregnancy).

    Thank you again! The devrant community is really wonderful :)
  • 3
    @rusty-python Congratz on the kiddie!! I wish mommy feels better soon! All the best to everyone!
  • 1
    @rusty-python wow! Congrats! I hope she'll see it as a new target and that it gives her more positive energy. Work is not the only thing in life. It just sucks pretty hard if you don't find your place
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