Google Analytics be like...

This is almost exactly how I described it and AdWords to an employer who thought it "should be easy" to get more traffic if we just paid more attention to these tools. Except I used the analogy of a 747 or the space shuttle. And I kinda know how to fly each of those. GA and AdWords? Not so much.

Google offered a free Google analytics course with certification in my city. I can't recommend the certification but the course is well worth it. Just have a look online if it's available for your city. Really helped me understand the more complex features

Worked with it once. Block it anyways through tracker blockers haha

Its problem is that it just vomits all the data at you and isn't particularly intuitive to use for the majority of people that use it.

And it gets worse with analytics spam headers

Yes. And the spam.

Gosquared used to be good but the prices were increased drastically because they want to be the next Intercom.

The new Piwik looks good. Not tried it yet.