So fed up of existing.

I am not saying that I am suicidal, but if a truck was accelerating towards me, I would not bother to move.

Even though I consider myself decently successful in life in terms of career, friendship, and to some extent, family. I strongly feel that I am in a very wrong environment.

I have zero trust, safety, love, and nurturing care from my parents and others around me.

I lack physical privacy, psychological safety, and emotional void.

My hypothesis is that if I was in a better environment with slightly lesser responsibilities and needs better met, I could have achieved wonders. With that, who wouldn't?

Why do we exist? Just to suffer?

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    look, idk if you're already doing counseling or if you're medicated, but it looks like you're in a bad place right now, os if you don't have professional help please seek it.

    i know what you mean, i really do. I've been there. life might look senseless when we feel like crap, but it turns surprisingly meaningful when we have love and support.

    it will get better. there are ups and downs, but just like bliss doesn't last forever, the utter crap doesn't last either. you might need to cut out some people, find better company, but it can be better. stay safe :/
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    You're right, we are mortal and fragile.

    In this world is the destiny of mankind controlled by some transcendental entity or law? Is it like the hand of god hovering from above? Perhaps men have no control even over their own will.

    But even if we are tortured or wounded, we'll fight to survive.

    Even if we painstakingly piece together something lost, it doesn't mean things will ever go back to how they were.

    So there's no reason to look backwards unless you're trying to learn from your mistakes.

    You only suffer if you allow yourself to.
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    @darksideofyay Thank you! I am good. This might seem like depression or me being passively suicidal. However, that's not the case.

    I am just leaning more and more towards Nihilism. I find things meaningless. Sadness or happiness, both are same to me. Everything is a phase, which eventually will pass.

    Hence, I am emotionally neutral. I keep doing things because I have to. I do enjoy a lot of stuff like my work, music, socialising, watching movies, etc.

    Maybe, as mentioned earlier in one of my rants, I am bit too sensitive and if or when my expectations in life are not me, I become really upset. Maybe this too is a phase.

    >but it turns surprisingly meaningful when we have love and support.

    This really is important and I know what you mean. I think that I have passed the lowest point in my life and it's only uphill from here.

    Another thing I have is that I no longer have expectations from anything or anyone. Whatever good happens, is a bonus for me.
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    >You only suffer if you allow yourself to.

    NGL, it's all in the mind. But how do we escape from the consequences of our choices? Should we transfer them to someone else?
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    👋👋 Hello!

    I'll throw in my two cents.
    I don't know if you ever tried owning a pet? Owning a pet could be very heartwarming and pick someone out of numbness.

    In the same lines. Did you ever tried volunteering? Perhaps helping others can be a win-win where you both help someone and help yourself....

    I hope you'll get through this!
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    >could mean that your mind is shutting down emotions because of too much stress

    Overwhelmed with responsibilities, with no support from anyone, and increasing demand to provide and meet expectations.

    I have a life insurance, if I die due to stress, folks will get money, because that's all they want and care about.

    Unless I leave my house and go to far lands, living by myself, I don't think I can pull this off. I don't even want to put efforts to change the environment, because everything I do, I will be outnumbered and it will be futile.

    @KryptonTurtle I LOVE PETS. I want it. Due to lack of real estate and privacy, I cannot get a pet. Otherwise, I would.

    Yes, I have done a lot of volunteering in past. It felt good, though not useful in longer term.
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    @fruitfcker I need to travel to Europe, enjoy some art, attend some music gig, and hangout with some nice people.
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    @Floydimus get laid. depression will go away in 30 mins ;)
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    @dotenvironment why an extra zero?
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    I was in a pretty bad mental state way back. Not absolutely terrible, but I had some sort of void in me. Nowadays I enjoy life a lot. Still single, a minority in the country I migrated to, and at an obvious disadvantage when compared to the natives. But life is good. I learned to enjoy the little things. Nice coffee, an interesting conversation, nature, flowers, music, studying and learning, etc. My income ain't enough at the moment, but once it gets better, things will keep being good I think. Understanding how lucky I am really helped me.

    Not sure if any of this stuff I wrote will help you, but I thought I'd share.
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    Ah the good ol "What if" game.

    It just doesn't lead anywhere.

    You live now. What can be, what was - everything is irrelevant.

    Part of the ISS could hit you while shitting, boom over.

    Maybe the guy who ran you over 2 days ago was chased by an assassin that thinks you saw him - boom he kills you.

    I could come up with a myriad of weird shit. Never ever play the "what if" game with me unless you really want to be disturbed to the core.

    Never met you IRL, so I dunno if you're a great guy or not, but I think you should stop analysing your life.

    You know what sucks, you know what's bothering you, it doesn't help sticking your head into this shit and measuring each day how much the pile of shit has grown.

    The sad truth about life is that sometimes you cannot change the things that bother you.

    They're there. They cannot be changed.
    "It is what it is".

    You can only tolerate it and keep making the best of it.
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    @Floydimus the "what ifs" will lead you nowhere. life is not a videogame, you can't do over even if you want to, so no point thinking about that (harder to do with clinical anxiety tho).

    the only suggestion i can give you is to enjoy the present. life goes by fast, and we often miss the good stuff in front of us. ever watched "about time"? really cute movie, i like it a lot.
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    @Floydimus you don't escape consequences, you can only delay them.

    Over time they may lose their potency, but their effect is inevitable. Our actions are like stones in a pool of water, the ripples are the consequences of our actions. Larger stones create larger waves. Fear not, the pool will calm again.

    I'm not a spiritual person, but I find some help from Taoism and Lao Tzu when dealing with similar emotions.

    "Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like."

    You cannot change how others react, you can only change how you react. Acknowledging the absence of control gives you control.
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    Physical privacy (i guess that means a space where you can be alone) is one of the things you can actually buy or rent.

    But Nihilism isn't really a healthy world view for a human. The body's correct operation also depends on the presence of some basic feeling of needing to live and go on (the reason doesn't matter though). Nihilism is all about there not being any sense of or in life. It may be good as a crutch to shorten the time of mourning or weakening strong emotions. And it obviously is the most true world view. But it is really hard for most humans to be happy when happyness is futile. So better choose something else...
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    @Oktokolo I'd add to this saying that negative nihilism is bad for us. you can put a positive spin on it, like: "nothing matters, so I'll just do what makes me happy until i cease to exist"
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    @darksideofyay Sure, i am using that and it works fine. It also very much is what seems to be the next logical thing to come after Nihilism when you sortof manage to leave it behind.
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    @Floydimus for modesty 😂😂. although, if you order some food after the session and watch the game, that's pretty enjoyable too
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    give it a bit more time so you can actually get to, and then get through, nihilism. if you steer the path right, what follows is... a pleasant, very neutral and peaceful state which is probably not outright zen, but it feels close (to the descriptions of zen-like states).
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    @Floydimus come to Heidelberg :)
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    I am torturing myself every week day. Work is pure torture but it is something I have to do in order to provide for my kids. When they are old enough to provide for themselves, I will just stop.

    If I didn't have kids, I would not get up from the bed as it is just so unpleasant out there. I'm not depressed. I have ASD so I feel different (like physically). Touch is pain, lights and sounds are pain. I intensely dislike interacting with people.

    Let me be in my happy place with no timetables (as I perceive time very differently, it doesn't matter to me if it's been 1 minute or 1 year since something). I could just happily read for days straight without needing to eat (or sleep). And then just sleep for a couple of days away. Or just simply be.
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    Internet is interesting place. People of all kinds and ages can discuss something that they wouldn't ever talk about in a person. We can discuss negative stuff without people being offended immediately.
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    Answering the "why" question usually goes nowhere and even if you knew would it satisfy you to your core? Now most people will say it is fruitless to continue to question but whatever is driving your question already carries the implication there is an answer to that question. It may not be a final answer as the knower is still unknown (know thyself!) but look into whatever question drives you and find your own answers.

    This may take doing something differently which means getting out of your comfort zone, but that is where the magic happens and something new can inform or awaken you.

    Some practices that may lead to some new view I can recommend are:

    1) Inner child work. This may take many forms such as daydreaming, dream work or just going back into your memories to find what you liked as a child. Remember yourself when the world was alive and wonderous and recapture that feeling. Then try doing the things you loved a child. Most people do this automatically when they get into...
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    ...of nostalgia. Then you may find some way to make a new hobby into a job or find something that helps heal the past of who you though you were.

    2) ACIM (A Course in Miracles) workbook lessons. The first lesson starts with nothing meaning anything and breaking down meaning. Sounds like you're already there. The cup is empties so that it can be refilled. New meaning can come from corrected perception of a life that doesn't lead down into depression but instead rises up into a happy dream of joy!

    The main thing is knowing any answer is limited if the knower is not known. You can see you are not depressed but there is depression in the view outside of "you." This continues until you back into an observer of who you think you are. Then Grace may step in as the final observer, this is where we have no control but only can be vulnerable to Grace, though seeing what we are not. That which isn't true will fall away and the more real is left behind. Eventually there is a final observer ...
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    ...and a resolution to the questions asked like "why do we exist?" Which may not get directly answered though this awakening process but the questions drop away from those who have completed it and become content or "settled in their souls" so to speak.

    Here's a poem from Rumi:

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    Hang in there! ♥️
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