how
why

I have severe OCD. What I do and what I make should be perfect. When I went to being a teacher as a side hustle, two days a week, three hours a day, nothing serious, my brain was like "teaching is a noble mission, Janusz Korczak was a teacher, and he dropped that Teacher Banner when he stepped into a nazi gas chamber to not let his students die alone, and now you are the one who caught that banner, and now you are carrying it, and you must not bring the shame to it", then I wasn't sleeping because for every class I SHOULD be READY, everything should be checked and prepared, there should be not a single case of me not knowing the answer for anything students ask, let alone being late

"Only the strongest gains the right to get the oil". Saw it at the shop yesterday.

This slogan is indeed correct — China soon will be "getting the oil" on russian land. Say bye-bye to all the land south of Ural Mountains.

The loudest sound in the universe is a click when you expected a bang.

Seven years ago, a russian artist started the "Putin Every Day" community. It started with one picture of putin. Every day, he was downloading the previous day's pic and uploading it again.

Over the course of seven years, JPEG compression artefacts built up to what you can see here.

What an amazing metaphor.

https://vk.com/putineveryday

@iiii are you okay? The war and stuff...

float: center;

Match made in heaven

Jonas: *obliterates that ++ button”
Drake: Kiki am I a joke to you?

Everybody asks where’s Kiki but nobody asks how’s Kiki.

Every time a new hype thing appeared, I was annoyed, like "kids these days and their tiktoks".

But at some point in time, this pattern of mine changed completely. I don't know how it happened, I don't know when it happened, but now I experience... acute nostalgia?

I miss Elon Musk and his twitter fanbase. I miss tiktok. I feel like a time traveller who went into their past, which is our present, to experience the cultural landmarks once again, because their time here is limited, and tomorrow they will have to go back.

I miss my autism problems and mental health uphill battle. I miss avengers and thanos. I miss metaverse.

Oh, and also... I miss you.

You know how they write "100% natural" on food items? I want to try food that is 99% natural, e.g. containing certain stuff that cannot exist in our universe

A certain person here on devRant was annoyed about my phone being named “Beyond”, seeing a screenshot of my settings.

What they said: “the name, beyond, reeks pretentiousness and arrogance, you say you’re better than other people”

What really happened: during one of my manic episodes, I discovered the band named Death Grips. Their music resonated with me and helped me to cope with my derealization. In one of their songs, I misheard lyrics, and heard the word “Veyon” that was never there in the first place. Upon my inner voice pronouncing it, as it usually happens to me, a brand-new universe appeared before me, where Veyon was a name of a megacorporation that exists in a shaky spacetime plane somewhere in India. If you want to go there, three outcomes are possible: you can actually come to their building that appears to be normal, with people working inside you can talk to, and no signs of trouble in sight. Or, you can try to walk to their building, but you will never reach it. GPS will show you slowing down gradually as you get closer, but to you, it would look like you’re just walking with your regular speed, as if nothing happened. Like a function trying to reach its asymptote, you’ll never come to your destination. The third outcome is by far the most interesting one. You will reach the building, but it will be abandoned, with doors scattered on the floors randomly, some of them will disappear after you walk in, rendering you missing in this universe. Oh, and floors are guarded by robots and turrets, and they are made by Grumman, the military aviation manufacturer. Yes, Grumman, not Northrop Grumman. This building in the third outcome originates from the spacetime plane where Northrop and Grumman never merged.

The whole thing raced through my mind in a millisecond. I liked it and decided to squat the name, but it was already taken by Veyon open source software (Virtual Eye On Networks).

In some time, I bought a new phone second-hand, and named it Veyon. The next day, I took it to shower with me. It turned out that the seller lied to me about it never being fixed. It was, and in the process its water resistance was compromised. So, this phone was damaged beyond repair the next day I bought it.

The same day, I went and bought the same phone model, but brand new, and in black, as I originally wanted. I was grateful for this opportunity that helped me escape the situation where I would've been using the phone of the colour I disliked just because I cheapen out. I know myself, and I would’ve been feeling uneasy every day, hesitant to sell it and get a new one because “nothing is wrong with it, quit being this picky, it’s just a colour”, but wait, don’t I deserve to make the colour a significant enough reason to switch the phone because I care about colour, especially if it’s me who’s paying the money? Did I make this money rightfully, or am I an impostor who gets paid because of intricate lies I tell? Do I actually tell them, or do I make that up to somehow convince "them" I'm innocent? Or do I try to get attention?

I’m terrible at dealing with that kind of mess, So, I was grateful.

The only thing left to do was to name my new phone. I decided not to name it “Veyon” again, just in case. So, I named it “Beyond”, as this word is probably what the actual song said.

The monstrosity of a story above is the usual thing for me to feel. I was really hurt by you telling me the name I chose was a display of pretentiousness. Do I deserve to be pretentious? I say yes, but my voice is shaking, as flashbacks of my awful mother abusing me come in the way.

You hurt me with that comment. Let’s meet? :)

I’m more rockstar in between the sets

wE oNlY uSe 10% oF bRaIn pOwEr
yeah, no shit, now go to your computer and launch 400 chrome tabs. Congrats, now you're using 100% of your computer performance. Does it work well now? Quick and snappy innit?

fucking muppets.

- I’m tired of being caught in this political bullshit and thinking about how to withdraw my money from the bank ASAP because govt can block my account to prevent me from leaving, how to let my salary make its way from Europe to me without making me a criminal for even having foreign currency, even though I pay taxes, being left without my meds because the country I was born in decided to deny the existance of my illness. At my age, I should be thinking about where do I want to go for vacation and what hair color should my next sex party fuck partner have.
- I’m tired of fighting this never-ending uphill battle with guilt upon guilt upon guilt that cripples my thinking and renders me helpless by the face of it, the constant sense of dread over me failing to even put into words what’s bothering me.
- I’m tired of seeing literally any thing associated with my childhood and having flashbacks of violence and gruesome things done to me as a child. Today, I had a full breakdown over seeing default Windows Vista wallpaper.

My anxiety always hits hard, but how hard should I hit the wall with my head next time to beat this shit out of it? sometimes I hear little bubbles inside. I left my country, but how hard should I vomit next time I eat two jars of nutella as a self-harm session for my country to leave me? I already have my eyes all red and messed up because of doing this. I can’t see straight. is it within my body? can I pull it out?

I fled russia

i want to end it

A story about burnout you say? Well, here it goes.

In 2019, I worked in a now-defunct startup. Back then, I was deep in "treatment" with wrong medications that almost ended up turning me into a vegetable. When I was hired, my mind was already deteriorating quickly, and I was caught in a downward spiral of losing intelligence.

Prior to working there, there was never ever ever a situation in my career when I was given a problem to solve and failed to do it.

But right then, with already double-digit IQ and constant, pumping anxiety, I was seeing task descriptions that looked familiar and doable, yet I absolutely could not do them. I couldn't comprehend. It was an absolutely screeching, crippling panic about me losing my intelligence forever, being fired and ending up unhireable, dying alone on the streets.

Apart from my depression I recovered from, this very experience was a trauma that haunts me to this day, every day. You know, my experience being raped as an adolescent doesn't, but this, it's something else. Now, my intelligence is back, I design architecture, I'm a CTO, and my solutions are objectively cleaner and better in every way than what I did pre-depression. Yet, I still feel a sharp, sudden rush of anxiety, and my heart skips a beat, when I think about writing code or even opening the IDE.

I don't know how does one recover from this. I'm now slowly transitioning into "architecting CTO" role that is just being a devrel, assessing ethics, working with business to realize their need, designing solutions and leaving the implementation for the team to do. You know, the stuff I was taught in the uni.

Maybe doing open source and launching small pet projects will help. But at this stage of my life I have no emotional resource to care.

My corporate policy regarding unit tests

Whether you want to make friends at Annenerbe’s underground ice cities in Antarctica, or chill with Irene Roomberg on world govt. superblimp, remember that they only speak Sanskrit or Ithkuil. They respect Latin though, and for me that was enough, as it’s way easier to learn.

Alice Glass and Noah Glass should finally talk.

700 years ago, some monk scraped down the ink from a book, so he could reuse it to write down his stupid prayers.

Recent analysis uncovered that the book he scraped was “Method” by Archimedes that outlined the basics of calculus 1000 years before Leibniz.

It makes me feel miserable and helpless when I think how more advanced our world would be if it didn’t happen. I realize he probably didn’t go like “hehehehe I’m erasing scientific knowledge because religion is better”, and just did what he thought was better, but I feel bad nonetheless.

Drake: Kiki do you love me?
Me:

Kids these days and their ultrasonic scalpels. Back in _my_ day, we were doing sugreries with _real_ scalpels made of bare metal. Who cares that ultrasonic ones are way less invasive and it heals faster! If you’re using an ultrasonic scalpel, you’re not even a real surgeon. What’s next? Computer does a surgery for you while you wiggling around the controllers? WHAT DO YOU MEAN ITS ALREADY BEING DONE!? What happened to this country!

You returned from your five-day vacation you spent in the mountains. You’re exhausted, but you feel awesome. After all, you climbed Mount Hood all alone, all by yourself.

As phones die in freezing conditions, you took pictures with your camera, that amazing views from the mountain peak, and everything on your way there.

You connect your camera to your PC. You open the pictures folder and realize the photos you took are gone. Instead, there are just five pictures.

Pictures of you. Sleeping in your tent.

When I write “grid-template-columns: repeat(auto-fill, minmax(max(15rem, (100% - (var(--columns) - 1) * 1rem) / var(--columns)), 1fr));” in my coworker’s code and it fixes the CSS grid

Since I quit binge-eating sugary stuff, my body became capable of feeling true hunger. Not in my stomach, as that kind of feeling in my body is probably fucked up forever, but in my head.

When I feel hungry, it’s probably too late. This is exactly what I feel:
- dizziness
- FOV slightly decreases
- tunnel vision, things in peripheral vision become blurry and obscure. I “see” them, but my brain doesn’t process them quite as good
- colors become less saturated
- it’s very difficult to combine and analyse multiple concepts to derive a conclusion, basically the thing I do at work that wins me bread
- thought process becomes “single-threaded”. I can follow just one thought at a time and cannot go deeper than 3-4 levels, my brain just drops it by making the whole thought feel like some kind of slimy clay that cannot be comprehended, let alone expressed with words
- difficult to express thoughts with language, I have hard time talking, especially explaining
- want to sleep, but can’t, as brain is frantically trying to stay awake

It’s probably the mechanism developed evolutionary. That single thread remains active at all costs to allow me to find food, and brain doesn’t let me sleep, as it thinks if I fall asleep I’ll die. It’s amusing to see my brain actively killing thoughts that are not “important”, I feel like a real-time OS or an Erlang application. Perhaps thinking is really a very costly process in terms of how much energy it takes.

When I finally eat something, especially if it’s a proper meal, I feel a very pleasant sensation, probably it’s my brain telling me “thank you”, releasing dopamine to actively reinforce that “finding food is a very very good thing and it’s very important”. FOV pops back into place, peripheral vision becomes clean and sharp, thoughts awaken, eager to occupy all the treads that became available.

Apparently, old Nokias had this app called “Switch”. When I opened it, it pointed at my location, showed my name, pictures of my legs and my uh… hourly rate. That’s weird.

1000 yard stare? Excuse me, what? It’s called “being slick”.

I’ve recently listened to “mememe” by 100gecs. I cried, of course, but I was also so blissful and serene over the fact that modern music doesn’t disappoint me.

I’m a huge fan of Black Sabbath. I’m glad 100gecs are now rocking harder than Black Sabbath ever could. It was all worth it in the end.

John Frusciante with his complex avant-garde works like Letur-Lefr also doesn’t represent the “lost art”, and modern hyperpop is somehow effortlessly more complex, thanks to SOPHIE, the person we lost, who are solely responsible for that, and the beauty of it.