keep your phone away.

and do go on twitter, it'll ruin your day (and motivation)

very interesting how uni stressed me tf out but is still better than school has been.
I'm taking a class which has a theoretical and practical part, and there is a guy leading the practical lesson. and after struggling to find motivation for studying, this class somehow probably gives me my hopes back... even though I'm way less capable than the rest in what we're doing, I still can follow everything, which is very suprising to me because I'm always behind and the class has some recommended classes I should've taken before (but I failed some or didn't take them at all)... I still can follow the class somehow?

so... school taught me to not ask question because even if they say there are no dumb questions... the possibility still existed that I could ask a dumb question (shoutout to my math teacher in 3rd class). so... I stopped and when I didn't understand something I gave up.

now... this class makes me feel differently, I can ask questions and the guy I've talked about talks to me normally, talks to me as human beings should talk with each other and doesn't judge me for making a mistake, because... mistakes are human and when I allow myself to ask questions I can learn from it.

this is really a weird epiphany I had this week

and I also don't know if anything of this makes sense

well... my father doesn't bother about anything regarding me and supporting me financially or anything, and I broke up the contact with my abusive mother ~3 years ago, so... I can't really say they supported me haha...

I get stuck because I'm too frustrated, too often, and because I'm frustrated I stop doing anything and... do nothing because if I do one mistake everything else has to be wrong and I fail at everything else too right? idk my brain definitely lacks logic (not only because my code is not logical and attracks bugs far too often, but also just in general) and I can't cope yeet

I can't get a regular shedule. I mean I try to plan my days but I either do a lot of stuff a few days and after that a few days of barely anything because I'm exhausted from doing so much the days before, I never keep up to my plans.

pico-8 is adorable.

It's good and okay to make mistakes, no one is perfect and it's rare to non-existent to have a code running perfectly after the first try.

tho my perfectionism wants it otherwise but yea

sleeping in.

I love sleep.

but I hate phone calls, though those are inevitable. prob the worst part.

just today we've got a mail from my uni; no attendance lectures until the first of may, everything will be kept online; the lectures would have started 2 weeks earlier but due to the continious (but so far safe and low) spread of the virus my university made that decision. I have two exams to attend in ~2 weeks; they will be taking place but we'll be split into several rooms if we're more than 50 people. that's all I know so far... oh and we can't enter the bus at the front but have to enter through the other doors in the back; which already ended up with seeing people wanting to enter the bus but the doors kept closed until they realised they had to go to the other doors. interesting at least.

changed my name!

from awruh to aysentur now... can be spelled out better. I hope so at least, lmao.

my old name was created due to lack of creativity but the need of a username, so I smashed my keyboard... and that was what came up. aysentur has some more thought in it though not something meaningful.

new name old me

weird thought I have rn...

there are people here and on other social media actually seeing what I write?
people on my other public social media accounts enjoying what I do? what I write? enjoying the music I make sometimes? think my jokes I publish are actually funny?

the internet is wild, man.

also, it's 3:24 am, I can't sleep but I'd find easily people to talk to because time zones are a thing. is time a social construct? it is I think.

what am I even talking about?

idk all I know is that someone is looking at this and I wanna thank you for reading it I guess.

gonna go back to post more dev related stuff soon and also prob gonna change my username because no one can spell it right as I found out lately. no wonder because it came up while smashing my keyboard and making an username out of it. gl @ myself

I fucked up my sleeping schedule and I don't think I'll be able to fix it... just as the code I was trying to do because of deadlines on sunday and monday.

Hello fellow people,

though I'm normally just a lurker, I want to take some time to make some new years resolutions I probably won't follow after a few days, but I do have some small goals I hopefully can achieve.

1. Hopefully not regretting to post this. I get kind of anxious when I think about someone I know could see this. I'm fairly new to this site, so I really don't know what's going to face me.

2. Getting my mental health on the right track.
I could do so much more if I wouldn't be as... occupied with uncomfortable thoughts as of right now, such as feeling as if I am not able to do what I want to do because I'll never achieve anything so why even trying... I want to change that, because I'd be more able to do things I want to do; to have more energy for uni because that's what I originally wanted to do. study computer science because it was and probably is still fun to me. finding the motivation I've had a few months ago.

3. With that follows... trying new things; starting a project and hopefully finishing it.

I don't know. I normally don't do these kind of new years resolution things, but I took this small opportunity, even if it is just for me, to write it down.
Here's to... another chaotic year, as always. But better chaos. I don't know... why am I doing this? This page wasn't meant for this or was it? I'm confused now. I'm sorry if this bothered anyone ^^'