12
saucyatom
163d

Trigger warning:
Emotional !dev love life rant

I think this is not the right place to pour my heart out, but despite its more recent infights I still consider devRant to be a special community to me. And I guess if devRant is my goto place for support that's an issue. But maybe I just need to shout into a void because this is not about you solving this for me.

I have been in this relationship for ~6 years. My first great love. In the beginning, everything was perfect - a love story like from a cheesy movie. We've been through a lot to be together: Long distance, moving countries, a ton of bureaucracy (as she's from another country). So many memories.

It came as a surprise to me when she ended things. It really shouldn't have been. We've talked a lot about the reasons and I now see how much I've taken her for granted and neglected our relationship. I see now how I've been avoiding my problems and how I didn't work on my (mental and physical) health issues as good as I need to - not just for any relationship, but for myself. The regret/shame/guilt of not giving it 100% and of neglecting her weights heavily on me (besides the loss) and I am not sure what is worse.

Besides our relationship withering because of neglecting emotional needs, she also questioned our compability. We certainly have differences and different interests and we're both somewhat uncertain whether we really fit, if we ignore our history/emotions. It is actually a question that popped up in my head before sometimes, but I was too afraid to look into it for fear the answer is no. But here we are and ignoring that didn't help.

For now, we both need time to think about what we really want and whether this includes the other. We agreed that we need some distance to process the feelings. We still live in the same flat but for now she's staying with a friend most of the time and I'll also have a friend's place available soon. If in some time we both feel like we want to be together, we can date again - however she was also clear that she doesn't want to give any false hope and her current vision doesn't include me. If not, well have to hire a divorce lawyer. (Why you need a lawyer for that if both agree is beyond me.)

I am shattered. When it became clear to me that the relationship is over (and I ruined it), I got nauseous to the point that I threw up constantly for 6 hours. For the following 2 days I only cried and haven't eaten. Third day I started cleaning up the flat (long overdue!) - mostly for her tbh but I know it's good for myself, so better do the right thing with wrong motivation than sob all day -
talked to my psychiatrist and she brought some lunch which I could eat. Today (fourth day) she came over and we cooked lunch. I am still feeling terrible but the first days have been the worst I've ever felt and I've been trough quite a bit of (physical & chronic) pain - emotional pain hits different.

Let's see how this works out. In any case I now know very clear that I can't continue like before and need to work on my issues (for my own sake). I want be my best self, even if right now I don't have a lot of energy and am very depressed. I got an appointment with a therapist tomorrow - something I should have done years ago but I was overwhelmed with anxiety and analysis paralysis. I hope the future will be brighter and while I still wish to wake up from this nightmare and realize my faults without this breakup, I also know that I have to face reality.

PS: I do feel better now after writing this out. Thanks for listening, I guess.

Comments
  • 4
    Probably anything said will feel void and useless because we don't really know the situation.

    Not gonna say who's right or wrong. Who knows. Just that I'm glad that despite the blow (which hits really hard) you are determined to pick yourself together and push forward. Not for her. For your own sake.

    And for all the comfort some Internet rando can provide, I hope things go well for you, no matter the relationship outcome, and believe that your attitude is gonna help towards that big time.

    Cheers.
  • 1
    Damn, a lot to unpack here.

    May your tomorrow be a better day for you.
    Self.action(give: brohug)
  • 1
    Thanks. Writing it down seems to stop (or at least slow down) the rumination, which is a big problems for me anyway. Maybe I should start journaling.

    Interaction is secondary but I appreciate the support and positive words.
  • 1
    @CoreFusionX
    There's no right or wrong as there's not big disagreement or fight. But I definitely wasn't doing very well myself and avoided facing my problems (for so many years).

    I could blame a bunch of (mental) health issues but that's seeking excuses and avoiding again, they don't solve themselves by wishful thinking and half-assing it.

    I can only hope that, no matter how this ends, I will finally learn from this and not do the same mistakes over and over again, like I did in the past.
  • 2
  • 2
    @saucyatom

    That's the thing. I would not call them "mistakes". That's a very situational and perspective thing.

    I'd say instead, identify what made you unhappy, and do something about it. Believe it or not, just noticing is the hardest part.

    If it makes it easier, I went through something similar to your situation recently. Of course it sometimes stings, but overall, I'm much happier now. And believe me, it *shows*, even if you don't notice it.

    So yeah, once again, face the problem and grind it down. (A very dev thing to do), and you'll always come better off it.
  • 1
    @CoreFusionX In this case, mistake refers largely to recurring self sabotaging behaviours and running away from problems for most of my life. Like doing things that I know I can't handle well without slipping (e.g. video games). There's a reason for that, but not /good/ reason (excuse). I believe the term is appropriate ;)

    Maybe when I improve beyond these, I can forgive myself. Until then I try to channel it into change.
  • 0
    Bro I would tell you one thing , death is near. Don't waste time. Is she really worth more than your life. If you feel you are too sad , go to an genuine Indian guru or an Buddhist monk they would correct your perception and free you from suffering.
  • 1
    And not a problem.

    I mean, this is something I only recently learned to accept.

    Mind, this is coming from the vibe I get, I might be wrong, in which case, do bash me.

    You like something. You do it. It takes time. Sure, it might take *too much* time, to the point it affects other important stuff.

    You can make compromises, but can't renounce yourself either. That would be unhealthy too.
  • 0
    I just got the idea to write myself a letter that will be delivered yearly (maybe half-yearly) to remind myself of important lessons that I have made before but forgotten too often.

    It will be like a reality check from my past self that might wake me up if I'm ever stuck in a spiral like that again.
  • 1
    May be it had to find you
  • 1
    @vvinu9876

    And yet, attachment is an essential part of our lives. You can't just deny it.

    Attachment brings sadness, and it brings joy.

    And mind you, this is not exclusive to relationships.
  • 0
    @CoreFusionX
    Generally I agree, but I also have to acknowledge when things are not good for me, even if I like them.

    For example: I like (some) video games and some I can also handle (couch coop), but others become my whole life even if I'm not even having fun anymore (anything with grinding, basically). So I better stay away from them unless I can be very sure it doesn't turn into an addiction again.

    The mistake is to ignore my past experience and thinking it will be different this time (hint: it won't, at least long term).

    At the very least it's not healthy for me to neglect my well-being. And I did that a lot, maybe even daily, in the last years.
  • 1
    @vvinu9876
    I do need to learn to let go, but I am not sure living like a monk is for me.

    I believe my path for now lies in working through this, even if it's difficult. I may get some guidance but it cannot be solved for me by anyone else.
  • 0
    @CoreFusionX you are right. But man imagine this case when you are dying and you are so attached to your body and imagine another case you are dying and you are detached to your body. Which one will give you blissful passaway.

    And in the end your own body itself is not permanent and any attachment would obviously lead to suffering as it is bound to change. Attachment is joyous start with an painful ending.
  • 1
    @saucyatom you already have the right mindset. You will do it.
  • 1
    Me, being supportive...
  • 1
    @saucyatom

    Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but does this acronym have 3 letters, two being the same? If not, wow, 🙃
  • 0
    @CoreFusionX
    Broadly speaking I deal with ADHD, anxiety, mild depression, sleep issues and an autoimmune condition. And I probably have an insecure attachment style.
  • 1
    Damn that must be hard situation.

    Hope u got better soon bro. Its okay to be sad but dont make it destroy you
  • 1
    @saucyatom ADHD representing, high 5 bro. Have you tried melatonin for sleep problems? And emotional regulation problems and RSD sucks with a breakup.
  • 0
    @atheist
    I recently started with melatonin, not sure if it helps. I suppose my issue regarding falling asleep is mostly rumination. I usually wake up in the night and have problems falling asleep against, especially if my mind gets too active.
  • 0
    I now see that my attachment style and my emotional dependence is not very healthy. I'll need to learn to be happy and content with myself and not depend on external validation. Find out what I want. Set my own goals. Live my own life.

    But damn, this is sooo hard. Even if I can rationally see how this relationship wasn't very healthy or fulfilling anymore, in my heart my whole world is breaking apart.

    *sigh*
  • 0
    @saucyatom
    From your first panel
    Keep her.
    And get your shit right, idiot!
    Ffs man. Look at what you. Look at the lines you are writing. Look at the and read. Read about the mess you created. Read an learn! Ffs
  • 1
    @scor
    I agree that I'm an idiot.

    I'm working on myself but this is not a quick process. I also need to reevaluate whether we're a good fit as partners or better as friends. In any case I first need to become happy with myself.

    Trying to tie her down or giving up myself for her is only going to create more pain.
  • 1
    @saucyatom
    And read my stuff too.
    Keep her!
    Make this your both's journey as you already work well together in bad situations.
    Imagine the good sides there are yet to be unearthed.
    What a tard
    Genuinely was a tard like you, until my significant other made me her rescue and we grew into a killer power couple
  • 2
    @scor
    Clinging to her right now will not make her come back. I need to respect what she wants and give her the freedom she needs. After some time and when I worked on myself, we could (maybe) start dating again.

    If I had seen clearly a year or two ago, things would be different, but unfortunately I don't have a time machine to smack some sense into my former self.

    And I'm not so sure on the working together well in bad situations, unfortunately, otherwise I might have woke up earlier.
  • 1
    Is she also a beautiful blonde that you accidentally broke a condom with?
  • 1
    @Wisecrack Not blonde and no broken condom.
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