Well, it happened. The stupidest request, no demand, I have ever, and most likely will ever receive...

Me: So what is it you're looking to do with your website.

Client: We're not showing up Facebook's home page. We need you to fix that. We have a budget of $10,000 to make this happen right now.

Me: As much as I'd love to take your money, that isn't something I can control. Every "home page" is profile-based, which technically isn't a homepage, but a "feed" that changes constantly. So say you create a profile on Facebook, only those you follow, and paid posts show up on your feed. What I can do however is use your budget to create and promote posts from your company page to show on users' feeds. If you're serious about marketing, we can start slow at $250/week, then work our way up or down based on results until your budget is exhausted, then re-evaluate the budget at that time. I can tailor a retainer for you based on the number of ads per week that you'd like to make.

Client: No, this is not what we're asking for at all.

Me: Okay...what is it you're looking for exactly? Run through this in as much detail as possible so I can get on the same page.

Client: We want to be on the main home page of facebook.com. We want our logo on that page when people sign up to make an account, linking to our website.

Me: That's simply not possible. That's Facebook's own home page. Nobody has a right to edit that other than Facebook itself.

Client: Bullshit. There's a Facebook developers section with APIs to edit and view Facebook's entire website. We would do it ourselves, but we signed up and don't understand how to change it in Chrome. That's why we need you and [referring client] said you were the best guy for our needs.

Me: That API has no control over Facebook's corporate data, including their own home page. That API designed ONLY for sections in which you are authorized to access or modify, such as your personal profile or created page for your business.

Client: We know that it can be done. If you don't do it, we'll find someone else who can.

Me: Well good luck with that, because the only way it would be remotely possible to do that WILL involve prison time, since that would be illegal. The only legal way to do it would be to buy Facebook, and they'll laugh you out of the building with that offer. But I'm done with this conversation because I have work to complete from clients that aren't delusional. Have a nice day! [hang up]


What. The. Fuck.

  • 69
    Lol I found devrant through a reddit page of app ideas where someone was ranting about how some people think that coding is magic and fairy dust and you could make an app that like real time using satellites finds you an open parking space for instance ha
  • 20
    @Ace71425 I mean... you could... with a big enough constellation. Depends on their budget I suppose 😂🤣
  • 8
    @Brolls Maybe im off base here and there is an API to your local governments satellites lol
  • 58
    "Hello, is this Facebook? Yeah, this is Jim Smith and I have ten thousand reasons why Mark Zuckerberg is going to want to change the masthead of the entire site. Hello? HELLO!? Must be a bad connection."
  • 2
    I was going to ask if this happened on a phone call or in an email exchange, the end said everything.
  • 14
    So. I wasn’t alone. (For me it was my full time job boss and “the YouTube”.)
  • 17
    1. Inspect element
    2. insert their logo
    3. Send nudes (i mean screenshots)
    4. Tell them ot works on your side and that they should flush their cache
    5. ??
    6. Goto 4.
  • 17
    as much as I would love to reply to this rant, but I don't have time because I'm replacing Google logo at google.com with my avatar, cuz I want to be famous

    Y'all noobs will remain in the shadows and no one knows about you :3
  • 9
    The fact you took the time to try to explain this to them is admirable. It's simply astounding that there are still people out there who don't understand the simplest of things. To reiterate your statement, what. the. fuck.
  • 13
    building a chrome plugin that replces the logo for 10k doesn't sound that bad. 😄
  • 5

    Until he calls you, livid, saying his wife's iPhone doesn't show it.
  • 3
    @heyheni I was having the same thought in my mind
  • 1
    Amazed that dumbass has 10K. Hmm. Dumbass probably doesn’t have 10K.

    Dumbass probably has 500 USD and ready to snow job someone on a fairy tale leash installment.

    What a dumbass. Red fuckin Forman.
  • 1
  • 1
    *Hand to forehead*

    Seriously made my brain hurt for you having to even deal with that.
  • 0
    I want to weep. Seriously. Delusional is too kind a word for these idiots. So is idiots, actually. I am lost for words.
  • 2
    Well technically it is possible. As for the requirements that I understood. You can actually pull this off.

    However before you read the rest. Note that you must be comfortable with hacking the system and that this has never been tried before. At least by me.

    Alright now to begin the development. But before that, 10k is not worth the effort. Request about 50k from them. In Addition they will need to purchase some servers to handle the amount of work that I'm about to list down below.

    Start off by preparing the server environment. I believe a minimum of two dedicated servers will do. One for the database one for the application.

    Second, clone Facebook. Make a login page, profile page, and so on. Make sure everything works.

    By now you may have figured out that you're remaking a basic version of Facebook. Don't let the client know.

    Serve it using whatever the domain you like. Add some test scripts that automatically register and add dummy content into the application too! These test scripts can run every 5-10minutes depending on how you like it.

    To top it off, change the vhosts for the office this client is in so that a request to Facebook.com goes to this server. (Sorry I dont know anything about network management, it's vhosts right?)

    I guess that's it?
  • 2
    @uziiuzair awesome! 😄
    but if you go that route with vhosts can't you just ad a server side rendering request to change the logos?
  • 2
    @heyheni why get paid 10-50k and not make an effort? 😂
  • 5
    I love reading these kinds of stories when I'm not involved with them.
  • 1
    @heyheni install a custom dns server at their office and replace logo 😂
  • 1
    God I hate business people. If they are so smart, why don’t they do it themselves?
  • 0
    Wow. Just. Wow.
  • 0
    1. Quote $5,000 on a best effort research basis.
    2. Wait 3 months.
    3. Say it's impossible.
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