LONG RANT AHEAD! I'M SO UPSET!

Off topic I know, sorry. Needed to vent.

So, right now I am studying Maths / Physics at University, but before that I got a HNC qualification in Applied Sciences.

While I was at college we had a very nice maths lecturer. I won't mention her name but she was very good at what she did and she always had a laugh with us.

Today, I visited the college to say hello to everyone, only to find out that she'd been removed from the building just moments before I arrived because she had a literal mental breakdown. She couldn't take the stress from the students who refused to do the work.

It all started when she tried to get in the lift. Everyone at the college knows she is very claustrophobic and so when she gets in a lift, everyone has to get out. No big deal. Except this one girl in her class, who is especially ignorant, refused to move and it sent the lecturer, who had been on the edge of a breakdown for weeks, into a blind rage. She ran up to the student and threatened to fight her if she didn't move. Other lecturers ran out and separated the two, only for the lecturer to throw her entire box of teaching supplies down the hall, smashing it into a million bits. She then proceeded to smash her head against the wall and shout "doesn't it feel better when you hit your head against a wall?". She was immediately escorted off the premises. No ambulance called. No support. Nothing.

It's safe to say her career is ruined.
Her teaching permit will be revoked indefinitely.
She'll never teach again.
She's lucky if she doesn't get arrested.
She's still not getting the help she needs because noone can be bothered dealing with it.

And its all because she couldn't handle the stress of the class she was teaching. A class that went out of their way to be mean and deliberately not do the work, because they knew they would get away with it.

I also blame the college. They were warned several times that she wasn't coping and the behaviour of the students and they did nothing. Nada.

A lovely woman who was brilliant at her dream job has been rendered jobless and mentally unstable in minutes.

All for what?

This event in particular strikes a chord with me because I suffer from mental health issues also - mostly anxiety. And lately its been getting worse. Sometimes I feel like the world is passing me by and I have no idea what I'm doing and if I'm going to fail at life, but I have support. I have counsellors and therapists if I need them. She didn't.

Sometimes I hate this world.

Whenever I'm looking at automata, matrices, sets, anything confusing and maths based, I always remind myself how I used to be in awe of the year 6's (5th grades) getting to learn about negative numbers...

Negative number seem so much easier than sets and strings...

NO FUCKING WONDER I SUCKED-ASS IN HIGH SCHOOL ALGEBRA!!!!!

Arghgghhghgh ughhh....

I want to beef up the hell out of my Maths Chops so I can maybe try going back to school for a A.S. in EE or hell even an B.S.

I'm using my company's Safari Learning account for getting free-ish access to college algebra books and I'm self studying.

I'm still in Chapter 0 where the book covers shit you're supposed to know from previous years of education. I'm just learning about some of this shit now!!!

While it's possible that I didn't pay attention in high school lectures, I took geometry in 9th grade and was an A/B+ student and felt confident in maths. I got to Algebra II in High School and suddenly nothing made sense anymore, reality fucking-fell-apart!

Suddenly, I'm failing tests left and right and struggling with the lecture concepts and I could never seem to grasp materials covered in class anymore to even be able to finish the homework assignments.

Fast forward to me being 15 years older and wanting to take a stab at this shit again, but with new found determination to get into EE so I can fuck around with small electronics for pet projects I want to do. I'm starting with College Algebra to try and learn when suddenly, low and behold I have a HUGE FUCK-MOTHERING GAP in my core understanding of the language/syntax/grammar of mathematics.

Been fucking knee-capped for the last decade+ because I either slacked off during those fundamental lectures (which again; is totally plausible) or I had a complete fucking imbecile for a math teacher that glossed over the topics and fucked not only me but the 40+ other kids in that class.

I'm not going to blame the teacher, although I really fucking want to, but I can't remember how the class scored on tests or homework to be able to fairly and objectively make that judgement against the educator.

FUCK!!! I hate my 15 y.o. self right now

Its stupid to define reasons to be something, but even more stupid to define not to be something.
I liked to play games. So today am a dev. My friend hated games , was passionate about bio and today he's also an even better dev. Another person has a totally different story and he's a dev too. We all have our personal reasons to be or not to be something, but the important word here id 'PERSONAL' , not 'reasons'.

"You are girl so you can't code", "you hate maths so you can't code", "you can't sit in front of laptop 24 hours, so you can't code " , "you can't tolerate casual office toxicity, so you can't code" ~~ yo what the fuck ?

Its a job. Its exhaustive, demanding ,tiring thing but still a job; that you can do for next 40 years and expect a living. It demands some knowledge ,dedication and sacrifices. People would find achieving that knowledge+dedication easy or difficult but that doesn't define the profession.
Also its a job that is done by people. And people are social animals who like to work with similar natured people . And its not wrong if a person is not a 100% replica of another . Thus what's "hardwork" and "dedication" and "fast paced" for one is "exploitation" and "negetive-environment" for another and therefore they can't work together. Like a mattress, we just have to reach the job that covers us and our goals comfortably( or settle for one that doesn't)

Surely there could be reasons why a person is a good or successful dev, but there can't be reasons to not be a dev.

I was thinking of writing a small contradictory point like "apart from physical reasons like not having eyes or hands there can't be a reason not to be a dev" but i just remembered that even there the world has proven me wrong. Blind people are coding, disabled people are coding, kids are coding , oldies are coding, what could be a possible reason to not code, except our own personal reasons?

The "job" tag is something that is very difficult to achieve by some profession, but coding and tech have achieved this tag( i wish that just sleeping , eating and fucking becomes a job someday too, but well) . And that too without a dead end. So if anyone wishes to explore the world of computers, they should be welcome, provided they know what this line requires and demands (in general)

I didn't clear my exam. Now it's my last chance have to pass at least in 4 subjects from 8 boring subjects otherwise I will be detained 😥 I hate fucking theory and fucking maths 😭

Do I have to be good at Mathematics to be good in Machine Learning / Data Science?
I suck at Mathematics, but ML/DS seems so fascinating. Worth a try if I hate Maths?

As they say, do what you enjoy doing.