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Girlfriend: What's your biggest fear?
Me: That machines take over the world.
Girlfriend: What?
Toaster: What?10 -
GF: What are you doing there?
Dev: I've been trying to reproduce a bug for two hours now...
GF: You need two bugs the opposite sex, otherwise they won't reproduce.
From a sad true story.8 -
Linux will never be the most installed OS. Just think about how often you had to reinstall Windows.15
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My first try at 3D printing. Currently selling it on Shapeways, good thing they were celebrating and didn't have to pay for transportation. What do you think of my joke? :D
18 -
Customer: I have installed Windows on my computer
Support: Yes, and ?
C: And I have problem now...
S: You already said that.12 -
Give a man a program, frustrate him for a day. Teach a man how to program, frustrate him for a lifetime1
-
Skills: JavaScript, PHP, Ruby, Python, Java, C++, Go, Perl
Meaning: I wrote"Hello world" in each of these.14 -
Halloween joke, anyone?
"If you want a slutty costume for Halloween, you should go as my professor. He barely covers anything important" 😁9 -
There are 11 types of people: those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who are tired of seeing this binary joke.6
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The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea 😐6
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Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke.
OK, I'll hear a TCP joke.
Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I'm about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline.
OK, I'm ready to hear the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters, does not have a setting and will end with a punchline.
I'm sorry, your connection has timed out... ...Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?11 -
2 atoms are walking down the street when one says "Shit I lost my electron" second one says "are you sure ?" First one says "yeah Im positive".
Just a physics joke.9 -
If I had a child I would name him or her "sudo" so I would be sure he/she would do what I say.
"Sudo don't touch the oven!"6 -
"Hi, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"OK, I will tell you a TCP joke."
"Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke."
"OK, I am about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, has 2 characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline."
"OK, I am ready to get the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has 2 characters, does not have a setting, and ends with a punchline."
"I'm sorry, your connection has been timed out."
"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"6 -
Noobies think there are 1,000 mb in a gigabyte. Real programmers know there are 1,024 meters in a kilometer.4
-
A software engineer was smoking...
A lady nearby asked him: "Can't you read the warnings? Smoking is injurous to health!"
He replied: "We are bothered only about errors, not warnings!"6 -
*Me and my workmates laughing and having fun before going home*
Me: Hey, do you want to hear a joke?
Workmate 1: What is it?
Me: Look at your code.
...
...
...
Other workmates: BURRRRRNNNN!!!!4 -
S: Do you want to hear a UDP joke?
C: Yes I would like to hear a UDP joke.
S: ...
S: ...
C: ...?...?...?
S: Well I don't care if you get it!
User: "Hello, I'd like to hear a torrent joke".
Tracker: "I will refer you to people who can tell you a torrent joke"
Peer1: "Why d"
Peer2: "cken "
Peer3: "road?"
Peer4: "id th"
Peer3: "cross"
Peer1: "e chi"
Peer5: " the"
Peer2: "the o"
Peer4: "To ge"
Peer1: "side."
Peer5: "ther"
Peer2: "t to"5 -
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, those who don't and those who didn't realize the joke was in base three.5
-
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand ternary , those who don't and those who thought this was going to be a binary joke.4 -
dev A: is everything operative?
dev B: yeah, sure
dev A: how do you know?
dev B: log service doesn't show anything wrong
dev A: does the log service work?
dev B: why shouldn't it? It's its job
dev A: *sips tea*8 -
!rant
I've begun writing my own joke language called Die. Use it to tell your boss, client, or partner how you feel about them!
https://github.com/JackRiales/Die23 -
Seniors: Welcome to the team. Feel free to ask anything if you need help. There is no such thing as stupid questions.
New Dev: Sure. Thanks.
*a few minutes later*
New Dev: How to comment a code?
Seniors: Google it....and please don't ask stupid questions.11 -
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.3
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The computer science department at my university is located in the basement. I know I'm supposed to get real world experience, but what a sick joke! /s6
-
Unintentionally Hilarious joke at work yesterday.
We were doing some data analysis, and I had to dump some stuff into a table for my colleague. So I ran the script and went to the bathroom (no.2).
When I came back, they asked me if the dump is done. And I said without thinking: "I just went." 😂3 -
I think lot less developers would smoke if they could replaced the warnings on cigarettes with errors.2
-
A frustrated husband in front of his laptop wrote in the search box:
"Dear Google please do not behave like my wife ... allow me to complete my sentence before you start suggesting or guessing" -
There are 10 types of people in the world:
-Those who understand binary
-Those who don't
-Those who didn't expect a joke in trinary
-Those who keep it going with quaternary
-Those who cohort with quinary
-Those who use senary instead
-Those who think septenary is lucky
-Those who think octonary is prosperous
-And the Windows Naming Committee
See, 10.7 -
Leave work with two working monitors at my desk, come back the next day to one monitor and a missing HDMI cable. Find out marketing took it for a presentation, don't get it back for three weeks. Finally get it back for a day, become super happy to finally have both monitors again. Come back the next day and PM has stolen my HDMI again, no extra HDMI cables in entire office. Apparently HDMI cables are valued like gold around these parts.11
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Heard about that developer thats was involved in a car accident and went to hospital for brain surgey?
Doc said he need to remove half of the brain but he will survive. His developer friends was happy with the news that he will survive but sad loosing a great developer.
The surgey went as expected and now he is one of the best Project managers in the business.4 -
My boss is Russian and he sits right next to me. He often talks to himself in Russian (while typing furiously). makes me think he is casting a spell for his code to attack. lol
13 -
Some people, when confronted with a problem, think, "I know, I'll use threads" – and then two they hav erpoblems.2
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One of our dev teams has a tradition: after each post-sprint review one of the devs tells a wood joke. The lamer, the better.
So far the winner is:
Q: What did Batman say to Robin before Robin got in the car?
A: Robin, get in the car
It's so dumb it's actually somehow even funny :)31 -
Teacher told me to write "I must do my homework" 100 times.
I wrote a for-loop that outputs "I must do my homework" 100 times.5 -
WHAT THE HELL??
It's been over TWO WEEKS now and my Arch sticker pack still has NOT arrived!!!
I'm really starting to get mad now.
Unlike the stickers, my brand new laptop has arrived. But as you might have guessed, it's completely useless at the moment.
Like, what's even the point of having a laptop with Arch, when you can't show everyone else you're using Arch? So humiliating, can't even go in public now with that laptop.
People in the cafeteria will look at the back of my laptop without knowing I'm using Arch. The shame... Almost inhuman.
My only option is to go to speak to everyone individually to tell them I'm using Arch.
However, that might be risky. Imagine if I would miss someone!? They would leave without knowing I was using Arch.
In fact, I might not even meet them EVER AGAIN! In that case they would NEVER know I was on Arch! OMG! TOO MUCH HORROR!!!
All this because of a shity manufacturer.
Manufacturers like this really piss me off.
Because YOU can NOT ship on time I have to WASTE precious time now, THANKS A LOT China Stickers Corporation.10 -
Not a rant: Devrant is the only place where i can write or read programming jokes that do not feel like UDP requests.2
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Cleaned up my Facebook timeline.. I actually posted a “there are 10 types of people..” joke back in 2011..
Shame on me...4 -
There are 10 types of person in this world: The ones who have read this joke before, and the ones who have never accessed the internet.3
-
I seriously feel like this should be a joke/meme.
What you see in the picture is a database table.
This guy's now running around with a degree in something related to web development.
6 -
If we're living in simulation, then God should start releasing some updates, because world has too many bugs8
-
The time when we were not aware with advance features of IDE and version control.
(3-4 days before the project demo)
Me: This code was working fine last time. Now it is not compiling. Has anyone did some changes?
Team member: I corrected some spellings. So that our teachers don't correct us at the time of demo.
Me: (shocked, expression less ) We demo the application not the code. And you have not corrected on all the places.
Team member: You should do the rest.
(Based on true story) -
What do programmer jehova's witnesses say door to door?
.
Would you like to hear about our great savior linux?3 -
Me and my two coworkers are the perfect start of a joke: a mathematician, a physicist and a computer scientist walk into a bar...7
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Today, a friend decided to spam my phone with "haha" messages. To do this (bad) joke, he used an app he developped to send me automatically 10 times the same message... but his app has a bug, I already received 50 "haha" and it's not finished... my phone is dying and I hate my friend!4
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[ Meanwhile in python ] I thought it was just a joke , and now i take it seriously '😂😂😂!
(Old one)
2 -
This may or may not be an old meme but this is the first time i ever saw it and all i can say is
THANK YOU to the original creator, whoever he or she might be!
I had this insecurity for a long time as i always portrayed myself as more of a thinker than coder. I have to go over everythibg before i got to write even one single line of code, and for this reason i tought i might not be made out to be a programmer after all :s
It's truly reassuring to hear that your short comings are actually quite normal 😥
Sorry for the long post on a joke tagged post 😁
4 -
OK, another crappy joke time.
0 went to a bar and asked for a vodka shot. The bartender gave him 2 vodka shots. He said, "For you 1 is COMPLEMENTary"!3 -
Damnit...
I'm kind of a perfectionist, which is one of the reasons why I don't post here very often.
I think that my posts have to be the most hilarious or creative ones to even be bothered to be read by anyone.
Now.. I'm kind of not sober, so I'll just write some idéas, jokes and rants in notes on my iPad.. Sleep, and get drunk again tomorrow and maybe post them...
Or maybe just delete this post and be ashamed tomorrow?
I at least posted this under the "Joke/Meme" tag so that people won't be offended, hopefully, by this "none-rant".5 -
Recently bought some programmer T-shirts
made me popular, now I am known as the guy with the cool shirts.one of them has this on it:
2b || !2b ? "2b" : "!2b"
my fav joke now
I use these shirts to make friends and it actually works, you should also try ;)12 -
I should have become a pilot, at least the stress ends when the plane lands, unlike this shit, which goes on forever.3
-
A programmer walks into a bar. He says "I'll have 0x01 root beers".
The bartender pours him a root beer.
Another programmer walks into a bar. He says "I'll have 1.0f root beers".
The bartender pours the second programmer a root beer float. -
Let's split joke and meme into two different categories so that we can have shitty memes under one tag and (hopefully OC) jokes in the other. Then we could filter out low effort memes and still get the occasion joke. We need jokes.3
-
Stolen’t.
A USB drive has 2 sides. So it’ll take a maximum of 2 tries to get it right.
Why does it take at least 5?1 -
!rant
User: "Hello, I'd like to hear a torrent joke."
Tracker: "I will refer you to people who can tell you a torrent joke."
Peer 1: "Why d"
Peer 2: "cken "
Peer 3: "road?"
Peer 4: "id th"
Peer 3: "cross"
Peer 1: "e chi"
Peer 5: " the "
Peer 2: "the o"
Peer 4: "To ge"
Peer 1: "side."
Peer 5: "ther"
Peer 2: "t to " -
What I say: I'm a computer science major.
What people hear: I can resolve any tech issue you have or will ever have on any machine that exists in this universe. I am jacked into the Matrix at all times. I am the IT god. Look upon me and despair.
What I mean: Sometimes I try to tell the computer to do something and I cry when it doesn't work.1 -
My team member was struggling with his .json files, so to cheer him up, I came up with a joke;
"Don't worry, if the program doesn't work, I'll be your yaaaii son"8 -
If doctors were like software engineers, they would say things like "Have you tried killing yourself and letting yourself be reborn?"2
-
Our code base is shit.
To improve, we went through different coaching style: Freudian Psychoanalysis, behavioural psychology, gestalt
- Freudian Psychoanalysis: After several years refactoring and discussing our technical debt we can say that we really understand our code in deep. But it's still shit
- Behavioural psychology: after some months of work, we built a lot of testing. Now the code is still shit, but we don't get dirty anymore
- Gestalt: after few weeks sessions, the code is still shit. But we don't care anymore, we accept it and we are happy
(note. it's an adapted psychology joke)1 -
coworker: you know, if you dedicate your life to mastering cobol and fortran you could just make money working on medical software
me: yes because I'd love to be a martyr for tech2 -
ughh there comes halloween and christmas joke, i'm sure yall know this right ??? OCT(34) == DEC(25)5
-
Me chatting with a bandmate who is also a developer:
Me: do you have any experience in Db?
Him: Dropbox? Databases?
Me: Sorry enharmonic confusion. I meant C#
P.S. yes, sometimes I find my comments so funny that I make new joke posts about them.2 -
There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who were expecting a binary joke, those who were expecting a base 3 joke, those who were expecting a base 4 joke, ... , and those who were not expecting a radix or base joke.1
-
6 Months later...
Me: Oh God! This code is horrible! Who wrote this crap?
Also Me: Shit, it was me.1 -
I checked out a Facebook profile of a stud guy. He mentioned his nickname as heart hacker... I died.6
-
At a developer conference, we were given these "dev joke" card to trade with another person, to break the ice and make a new connection.
4 -
https://youtu.be/hkDD03yeLnU?t=8s
"I'll create a GUI interface using Visual Basic, see if I can track an IP address." 🤨🤔
I'll just blockchain a neural netwok for AI using big data in Delphi. -
Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
(▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿)6 -
A medical doctor, a lawyer and a programmer debate whether it's best to have a wife or a girlfriend.
"Easy", the lawyer starts, "a girlfriend comes without any legal obligation, you can have a lot of fun together but when you get enough of her, you can just leave her without any trouble"
The physician objects: "That can only come from a man who never truly loved a woman. Your wife is not just someone who you have fun with, she is you bastion of calm, your ever-loyal partner, the completition yourself. Clearly, having a wife is better"
Both now look at the programmer who remained silent throughout the debate.
He cleans his throat and than says: "Both. You need both. You can tell you wife you're with your girlfriend and you can tell your girlfriend you are with your wife. And then, you can finally code in peace.2 -
👋 HEY 👋
✋ DID YOU KNOW ❓
🕵️♀️USING EMOJIS IN YOUR 🅱LOG POST 👶
👼WILL MAKE YOU MORE PROFESSIONAL? 👩💻👩💻
🈹*this post was made by the emoji gang🈹11 -
Can we start calling people and website who want to keep Flash around past the end of 2020 "Flasholes"?10
-
Girlfriend: I don't get why you love me...
Me: Maybe I should write a Setter method to make it clear.
She didn't understand that joke ._.3 -
I would like to share my son's best joke so far.
Knock knock
Who's there?
The tower in France.
The tower in France who?
The tower in France, there's a man on top... it's Doctor who... Ooeeooo3 -
DevRant has increased my asshole-ery. Reading work design docs and I keep thinking, "really? That's your choice? Obviously this is a joke. You expect us to do what?? In what timeframe?"2
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Bit of a joke, bit of an actual question. But who here, if you had the money to do it, would buy an offshore oil rig to repurpose and rebuild into a nation of their own? (i.e. MGSV)2
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There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand ternary, those who don't and those who were expecting the binary joke ;)
-
[Type : Joke]
Happy holidays!
Find out whether Santa has passed your country!
https://santatracker.google.com/tra...5 -
The statement is : if you ever feel useless, then you haven't seen this simplification, well... just see who will be more useless to solve it at same place again...
4 -
just as Erik Meijer said scrum is the most stupid shit in modern development process. I worked in an organization hires ppl as full time scrum master, which is joke. each day the asks what did u finished yesterday and how long it need to finish the task assigned to u. btw the scrum masters know nothing about programming. come on man how can u finish any serious shit in one day and who cares how much shit others finished. each week just attending those freaking meetings without coding. each programmer are assigned at least 5 bosses, and what the fuck is product manager doing, it's not adding indirection can solve anything.2
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!rant A guy is standing on the corner of the street! smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."1 -
I really really hope that no one post this,a friend texted it to me and I wanted to share it because made my day.
Idk where it comes, so feel free if know where this came from to post it:
//FUN PART HERE
# Do not refactor, it is a bad practice. YOLO
# Not understanding why or how something works is always good. YOLO
# Do not ever test your code yourself, just ask. YOLO
# No one is going to read your code, at any point don’t comment. YOLO
# Why do it the easy way when you can reinvent the wheel? Future-proofing is for pussies. YOLO
# Do not read the documentation. YOLO
# Do not waste time with gists. YOLO
# Do not write specs. YOLO also matches to YDD (YOLO DRIVEN DEVELOPMENT)
# Do not use naming conventions. YOLO
# Paying for online tutorials is always better than just searching and reading. YOLO
# You always use production as an environment. YOLO
# Don’t describe what you’re trying to do, just ask random questions on how to do it. YOLO
# Don’t indent. YOLO
# Version control systems are for wussies. YOLO
# Developing on a system similar to the deployment system is for wussies! YOLO
# I don’t always test my code, but when I do, I do it in production. YOLO
# Real men deploy with ftp. YOLO
So YOLO Driven Development isn’t your style? Okay, here are a few more hilarious IT methodologies to get on board with.
*The Pigeon Methodology*
Boss flies in, shits all over everything, then flies away.
*ADD (Asshole Driven Development)*
An old favourite, which outlines any team where the biggest jerk makes all the big decisions. Wisdom, process and logic are not the factory default.
*NDAD (No Developers Allowed in Decisions)*
Methodology Developers of all kinds are strictly forbidden when it comes to decisions regarding entire projects, from back end design to deadlines, because middle and top management know exactly what they want, how it should be done, and how long it will take.
*FDD (Fear Driven Development)*
The analysis paralysis that can slow an entire project down, with developments afraid to make mistakes, break the build, or cause bugs. The source of a developer’s anxiety could be attributed to a failure in sharing information, or by implicating that team members are replaceable.
*CYAE (Cover Your Ass Engineering)*
As Scott Berkun so eloquently put it, the driving force behind most individual efforts is making sure that when the shit hits the fan, you are not to blame.2 -
Joke:
A linux programmer walks into a restaurant, orders some food from the menu, and asks for a fork. After a while all the programmers at that restaurant start asking for forks. -
Note: this is a joke, it's not code related.
Someone goes to a restaurant, and he asks what they got, and the reply to him: "we have a crochet leg, a chopped liver and ligaments"
He says back: "don't tell me about your problems" XD6 -
This is an old one that I have hacked about to make it fit, so I hope it still works..
There were a business user, a B.A. and a developer on a road trip in the UK when they crossed the border into Wales. (This was antevirum, so that kind of behaviour was allowed back then).
They saw a sheep on a mountainside.
The business user cried out "Look! All the sheep in Wales are black!"
The B.A. tutted and said "Actually, all we can say is that there is at least one sheep in Wales and it is black down one side."
The developer woke up from nursing his hangover in the back seat, peered out of the window and said "How do you know its a sheep?" -
Not sure whether to tag this as a rant or a joke, because it feels like equal parts of both. So fucking disappointed with Australian government.
2 -
Needs repeating:
Q: Why do programmers always get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
A: Because Oct(31)==dec(25)2 -
Hey guys, today some friends of me showed me this shirt on amazon. I don't understand this joke/ jokes. Can someone explain please?
6 -
I appreciate my own joke when I before I left work for Christmas wrote “Something is wrong, help me!!!” In a console.log1
-
I cannot understand the reasoning behind anyone using Gitlab instead of Github
I have to use it (gitlab) for a project, and these are my observations:
- clicking on one of the tabs on a project throws an internal server error
- under activity, the creation of the repo is listed under issues activity??
- cannot manage to push, even though I have the developer role (permissions broken?)
Ps: when choosing tabs, typing "gitlab is a" comes up with "gitlab is a joke" as autocompletion ;)6 -
Heard this one a few daya ago...
Man: What's your name, beautifull?
Woman: I'm Carmen. Because I love them both... cars and men. What's your name?
Man: Call me Beerf**k.1 -
Why did the programmer get stuck in the shower?
Because the instructions on the shampoo bottle said, “Lather, rinse, repeat.” -
Do you know why programmers have wife and also girlfriend? Wife thinks he is with girlfriend, girlfriend thinks he is with wife and he can calmly programming. :D
-
"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets". - voted funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe this year.
Personally I liked one of the runners up:
"I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts"
BBC News - Vegetable joke is funniest gag at the Edinburgh Fringe
https://bbc.co.uk/news/... -
Learning a new programming language is a lot like putting on a new pair of underpants. At first it's restrictive but then it becomes a part of you!4
-
I made the perfect situational joke:
I was explaining physics to a coworker and stating that the only particles that are important for everyday life are protons, electrons and neutrons.
CW:" What about neutrinos? You don't care about them?"
Me:" No, I don't. Wanna know why?"
CW:"Yes, tell me."
ME:" Because, they don't matter!"2 -
A friend gave me a couple of Corona beers as a joke and now I can't decide on what quarantine burrito to make.
chicken with rice & beans or BBQ pork with coleslaw?1 -
01001001 01110100 00100111 01110011 00100000 01100101 01101001 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01101111 01110010 00100000 01101111 01100110 01100110 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01110011 01101000 01101001 01110100 00101110 00100000 01000001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101111 01110010 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 001011106
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Joke 1: A good horse is expensive. A Trojan can be more expensive.
Joke 2: She: "Do you love me?"
He: "!yes, babe"
(! = not)7 -
Old,but gold programmer joke
Wife asks her programmer husband to go and buy some things from a shop.
Wife: Go and buy 1 carton of milk,if they have eggs in the shop - bring 6.
Programmer comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
Wife: Why you bought 6 cartons of milk?
Programmer: Because they had eggs.1 -
Haha, I was checking a bug of something that is displaying wrong in the app that I'm currently working, reported by the manager of the IT department, and he took the trouble of taking photo of the phone instead of a screenshot XD1
-
Looking for SO snippets and forgetting about it after using it feels like initiating conversations with people when you are bored and not texting them for ages after that.
-
I'm a scrum sprinter using my agile-ity to dodge rock-rigid waterfalls.
My take at another lame joke.
But I still have my legs and can walk... -
Tabs over Spaces.
PHP over Python.
Internet Explorer over Firefox.
Death over Life.
@dfox over @trogus?4 -
Can we just auto down doot all joke posts? All possible programming jokes already have been said and we already reached all combinations of them.
-
Sent a User Story link to a senior that he had requested (10+ years of exp)...
Me: Sir, why do we need this US?
Him: Why
Me: Yes sir, why do we need that?
Him: Yes, that's what I'm asking you, why do we need this?
Me: But sir I asked first 🙄1
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