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Girlfriend: What's your biggest fear?
Me: That machines take over the world.
Girlfriend: What?
Toaster: What?7 -
GF: What are you doing there?
Dev: I've been trying to reproduce a bug for two hours now...
GF: You need two bugs the opposite sex, otherwise they won't reproduce.
From a sad true story.10 -
Linux will never be the most installed OS. Just think about how often you had to reinstall Windows.15
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My first try at 3D printing. Currently selling it on Shapeways, good thing they were celebrating and didn't have to pay for transportation. What do you think of my joke? :D
18 -
Customer: I have installed Windows on my computer
Support: Yes, and ?
C: And I have problem now...
S: You already said that.13 -
My girlfriend just asked me if a good colleague / friend and I are brogrammers 😂
She was so proud of this joke an I had to laugh aswell...3 -
My friend told me a joke about programming:
"What's the difference between a programmer and a sandwich?
-The sandwich doesn't tell me useless trivia about programming."
Noted, you prick.17 -
Give a man a program, frustrate him for a day. Teach a man how to program, frustrate him for a lifetime1
-
Skills: JavaScript, PHP, Ruby, Python, Java, C++, Go, Perl
Meaning: I wrote"Hello world" in each of these.14 -
Halloween joke, anyone?
"If you want a slutty costume for Halloween, you should go as my professor. He barely covers anything important" 😁9 -
Another old joke:
Call at help desk:
-"What is your problem?"
-"I use Windows."
-"And???"
-"My computer isn't working."
-"You already said that."9 -
There are 11 types of people: those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who are tired of seeing this binary joke.6
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The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea 😐5
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A tcp packet walks in to a bar and says “I want a beer”, barman says “you want a beer?” and tcp packet says “yes, a beer” .
In high society, TCP is more welcome than UDP. At least it knows a proper handshake.
A bunch of TCP packets go into a bar, until it’s overcrowded. The next day, half as many go in.
A bunch of TCP packets walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Hang on just a second, I need to close the window.”
When I try to send SYNs to chicks, I don’t get any ACKs. Just FINs and RSTs.
IP packet with TTL=1 arrives at bar. Bartender: “Sorry, can’t let you leave…and you don’t get any beer either…”
The worst part about token ring jokes is that if someone starts telling one while you are telling yours, all joking stops.
The great thing about TCP jokes is that you always get them.
The problem with TCP jokes is that people keep retelling them slower until you get them.
I would tell some UDP jokes too but I never know if anyone gets them
The best thing about UDP jokes is that I don’t care if you get them or not.
I had a funny UDP joke to tell, but I lost it somewhere...
The sad thing about IPv6 jokes is that almost no one understands them and no one is using them yet.
I tried to come up with an IPv4 joke, but the good ones were all already exhausted.
A DHCP packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender says: “here, but I’ll need that back in an hour!
DHCP jokes only work when there is only one person telling them
The worst part of SSH jokes is that, even when they're not funny, you suck it up and just pretend they were anyway.
The problem with token ring jokes is you need to wait your turn to laugh
I’d make a joke about UDP, but I don’t know if anyone’s actually listening…10 -
Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke.
OK, I'll hear a TCP joke.
Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I'm about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline.
OK, I'm ready to hear the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters, does not have a setting and will end with a punchline.
I'm sorry, your connection has timed out... ...Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?11 -
2 atoms are walking down the street when one says "Shit I lost my electron" second one says "are you sure ?" First one says "yeah Im positive".
Just a physics joke.9 -
i remember when i watched other people write code and i wasnt able to understand their code and... look at me now... i can't even understand my own code3
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If I had a child I would name him or her "sudo" so I would be sure he/she would do what I say.
"Sudo don't touch the oven!"6 -
"Hi, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"OK, I will tell you a TCP joke."
"Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke."
"OK, I am about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, has 2 characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline."
"OK, I am ready to get the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has 2 characters, does not have a setting, and ends with a punchline."
"I'm sorry, your connection has been timed out."
"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"6 -
Noobies think there are 1,000 mb in a gigabyte. Real programmers know there are 1,024 meters in a kilometer.4
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*Me and my workmates laughing and having fun before going home*
Me: Hey, do you want to hear a joke?
Workmate 1: What is it?
Me: Look at your code.
...
...
...
Other workmates: BURRRRRNNNN!!!!5 -
A software engineer was smoking...
A lady nearby asked him: "Can't you read the warnings? Smoking is injurous to health!"
He replied: "We are bothered only about errors, not warnings!"7 -
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, those who don't and those who didn't realize the joke was in base three.5
-
S: Do you want to hear a UDP joke?
C: Yes I would like to hear a UDP joke.
S: ...
S: ...
C: ...?...?...?
S: Well I don't care if you get it!
User: "Hello, I'd like to hear a torrent joke".
Tracker: "I will refer you to people who can tell you a torrent joke"
Peer1: "Why d"
Peer2: "cken "
Peer3: "road?"
Peer4: "id th"
Peer3: "cross"
Peer1: "e chi"
Peer5: " the"
Peer2: "the o"
Peer4: "To ge"
Peer1: "side."
Peer5: "ther"
Peer2: "t to"7 -
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand ternary , those who don't and those who thought this was going to be a binary joke.4 -
An old joke I know:
employee: Sir, the salary I receive is not in any way equal ti the work I do.
Boss: I know, but we can't let you starve.6 -
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.3
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!rant
I've begun writing my own joke language called Die. Use it to tell your boss, client, or partner how you feel about them!
https://github.com/JackRiales/Die27 -
Seniors: Welcome to the team. Feel free to ask anything if you need help. There is no such thing as stupid questions.
New Dev: Sure. Thanks.
*a few minutes later*
New Dev: How to comment a code?
Seniors: Google it....and please don't ask stupid questions.11 -
Me: What programming languages do you know ?
Person: I know HTML and CSS and little SQL.
Me: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ *cries inside*3 -
The computer science department at my university is located in the basement. I know I'm supposed to get real world experience, but what a sick joke! /s6
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I think lot less developers would smoke if they could replaced the warnings on cigarettes with errors.2
-
There are 10 types of people in the world:
-Those who understand binary
-Those who don't
-Those who didn't expect a joke in trinary
-Those who keep it going with quaternary
-Those who cohort with quinary
-Those who use senary instead
-Those who think septenary is lucky
-Those who think octonary is prosperous
-And the Windows Naming Committee
See, 10.7 -
A frustrated husband in front of his laptop wrote in the search box:
"Dear Google please do not behave like my wife ... allow me to complete my sentence before you start suggesting or guessing" -
Heard about that developer thats was involved in a car accident and went to hospital for brain surgey?
Doc said he need to remove half of the brain but he will survive. His developer friends was happy with the news that he will survive but sad loosing a great developer.
The surgey went as expected and now he is one of the best Project managers in the business.4 -
WHAT THE HELL??
It's been over TWO WEEKS now and my Arch sticker pack still has NOT arrived!!!
I'm really starting to get mad now.
Unlike the stickers, my brand new laptop has arrived. But as you might have guessed, it's completely useless at the moment.
Like, what's even the point of having a laptop with Arch, when you can't show everyone else you're using Arch? So humiliating, can't even go in public now with that laptop.
People in the cafeteria will look at the back of my laptop without knowing I'm using Arch. The shame... Almost inhuman.
My only option is to go to speak to everyone individually to tell them I'm using Arch.
However, that might be risky. Imagine if I would miss someone!? They would leave without knowing I was using Arch.
In fact, I might not even meet them EVER AGAIN! In that case they would NEVER know I was on Arch! OMG! TOO MUCH HORROR!!!
All this because of a shity manufacturer.
Manufacturers like this really piss me off.
Because YOU can NOT ship on time I have to WASTE precious time now, THANKS A LOT China Stickers Corporation.10 -
Teacher told me to write "I must do my homework" 100 times.
I wrote a for-loop that outputs "I must do my homework" 100 times.5 -
If we're living in simulation, then God should start releasing some updates, because world has too many bugs8
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Not a rant: Devrant is the only place where i can write or read programming jokes that do not feel like UDP requests.2
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What do programmer jehova's witnesses say door to door?
.
Would you like to hear about our great savior linux?5 -
Some people, when confronted with a problem, think, "I know, I'll use threads" – and then two they hav erpoblems.2
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The time when we were not aware with advance features of IDE and version control.
(3-4 days before the project demo)
Me: This code was working fine last time. Now it is not compiling. Has anyone did some changes?
Team member: I corrected some spellings. So that our teachers don't correct us at the time of demo.
Me: (shocked, expression less ) We demo the application not the code. And you have not corrected on all the places.
Team member: You should do the rest.
(Based on true story) -
There are 10 types of person in this world: The ones who have read this joke before, and the ones who have never accessed the internet.3
-
Me and my two coworkers are the perfect start of a joke: a mathematician, a physicist and a computer scientist walk into a bar...7
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Fresh out of dropping out of uni with a real heaping of newly diagnosed depression.
Get job in the industry.
Absolute joke of a company, spiral even further.
Thus begins the saga of boom / bust and the universe / myself fucking me over just as things get good that has been the last 8 years of my life.
Maybe one day I’ll write properly about my experience of mental health, in industry, in welfare and in my family too.
Suffice it to say, anything that leads you to take a whole year out, as well as makes you question whether what you thought was your dream job is actually right for you - is, ultimately, the definition of burnout.
tl;dr - the last 8 years have been a fucking burnout episode.1 -
Today, a friend decided to spam my phone with "haha" messages. To do this (bad) joke, he used an app he developped to send me automatically 10 times the same message... but his app has a bug, I already received 50 "haha" and it's not finished... my phone is dying and I hate my friend!4
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If you ever feel like you won't achieve anything in your developer career just remember that Suicide Squad won an Oscar.1
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This may or may not be an old meme but this is the first time i ever saw it and all i can say is
THANK YOU to the original creator, whoever he or she might be!
I had this insecurity for a long time as i always portrayed myself as more of a thinker than coder. I have to go over everythibg before i got to write even one single line of code, and for this reason i tought i might not be made out to be a programmer after all :s
It's truly reassuring to hear that your short comings are actually quite normal 😥
Sorry for the long post on a joke tagged post 😁
4 -
Damnit...
I'm kind of a perfectionist, which is one of the reasons why I don't post here very often.
I think that my posts have to be the most hilarious or creative ones to even be bothered to be read by anyone.
Now.. I'm kind of not sober, so I'll just write some idéas, jokes and rants in notes on my iPad.. Sleep, and get drunk again tomorrow and maybe post them...
Or maybe just delete this post and be ashamed tomorrow?
I at least posted this under the "Joke/Meme" tag so that people won't be offended, hopefully, by this "none-rant".5 -
OK, another crappy joke time.
0 went to a bar and asked for a vodka shot. The bartender gave him 2 vodka shots. He said, "For you 1 is COMPLEMENTary"!3 -
- What did a Java static method accused of criminal possession of a weapon said in his deffense?
- "THIS does not belong to me!"1 -
A programmer walks into a bar. He says "I'll have 0x01 root beers".
The bartender pours him a root beer.
Another programmer walks into a bar. He says "I'll have 1.0f root beers".
The bartender pours the second programmer a root beer float. -
Me: Buy me a new car and smartphone !
Dad: No !
Me: alias please = sudo
Me: please buy me new car and smartphone !
Dad: Password:
Me: Password
Dad: of course I will buy you new car and smartphone.2 -
If doctors were like software engineers, they would say things like "Have you tried killing yourself and letting yourself be reborn?"2
-
What I say: I'm a computer science major.
What people hear: I can resolve any tech issue you have or will ever have on any machine that exists in this universe. I am jacked into the Matrix at all times. I am the IT god. Look upon me and despair.
What I mean: Sometimes I try to tell the computer to do something and I cry when it doesn't work.1 -
Discover that stackoverflow has documentation. Now they will start to yell "Check the fucking docs!!!"
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!rant
User: "Hello, I'd like to hear a torrent joke."
Tracker: "I will refer you to people who can tell you a torrent joke."
Peer 1: "Why d"
Peer 2: "cken "
Peer 3: "road?"
Peer 4: "id th"
Peer 3: "cross"
Peer 1: "e chi"
Peer 5: " the "
Peer 2: "the o"
Peer 4: "To ge"
Peer 1: "side."
Peer 5: "ther"
Peer 2: "t to " -
Me chatting with a bandmate who is also a developer:
Me: do you have any experience in Db?
Him: Dropbox? Databases?
Me: Sorry enharmonic confusion. I meant C#
P.S. yes, sometimes I find my comments so funny that I make new joke posts about them.3 -
https://youtu.be/hkDD03yeLnU?t=8s
"I'll create a GUI interface using Visual Basic, see if I can track an IP address." 🤨🤔
I'll just blockchain a neural netwok for AI using big data in Delphi. -
My team member was struggling with his .json files, so to cheer him up, I came up with a joke;
"Don't worry, if the program doesn't work, I'll be your yaaaii son"8 -
A joke that was said, that left me standing in stunned silence:
What's the difference between Java and Brainfuck?
-Brainfuck will confuse the shit out of you, but for the right reasons. -
Girlfriend: I don't get why you love me...
Me: Maybe I should write a Setter method to make it clear.
She didn't understand that joke ._.3 -
ughh there comes halloween and christmas joke, i'm sure yall know this right ??? OCT(34) == DEC(25)5
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There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand ternary, those who don't and those who were expecting the binary joke ;)
-
When you order clothes online instead of going to the mall, you know for sure that you are a real programmer.2
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I checked out a Facebook profile of a stud guy. He mentioned his nickname as heart hacker... I died.6
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DevRant has increased my asshole-ery. Reading work design docs and I keep thinking, "really? That's your choice? Obviously this is a joke. You expect us to do what?? In what timeframe?"2
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Bit of a joke, bit of an actual question. But who here, if you had the money to do it, would buy an offshore oil rig to repurpose and rebuild into a nation of their own? (i.e. MGSV)3
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[Type : Joke]
Happy holidays!
Find out whether Santa has passed your country!
https://santatracker.google.com/tra...5 -
Hey guys, today some friends of me showed me this shirt on amazon. I don't understand this joke/ jokes. Can someone explain please?
6 -
I cannot understand the reasoning behind anyone using Gitlab instead of Github
I have to use it (gitlab) for a project, and these are my observations:
- clicking on one of the tabs on a project throws an internal server error
- under activity, the creation of the repo is listed under issues activity??
- cannot manage to push, even though I have the developer role (permissions broken?)
Ps: when choosing tabs, typing "gitlab is a" comes up with "gitlab is a joke" as autocompletion ;)6 -
!rant
How many Programmers Does it take to Change a Light Bulb?
.
.
.
.
.
None - It's a Hardware Problem -
just as Erik Meijer said scrum is the most stupid shit in modern development process. I worked in an organization hires ppl as full time scrum master, which is joke. each day the asks what did u finished yesterday and how long it need to finish the task assigned to u. btw the scrum masters know nothing about programming. come on man how can u finish any serious shit in one day and who cares how much shit others finished. each week just attending those freaking meetings without coding. each programmer are assigned at least 5 bosses, and what the fuck is product manager doing, it's not adding indirection can solve anything.2
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Had a end of week test for some Object orientated programming training in respect to C# and this gem of a question was asked...
What is the capitalisation convention for methods in C#?
- Camel Case
- James Case
- Pascal Case
- Justin Case
I give credit to the guy who chose those answers4 -
I don't know if this is a joke or a miracle.
I was pooping myself on a toilet, and beside me was a bucket of water, then there was a mosquito in my palm where I held my phone. after I snap it, I accidentally threw my phone at the bucket of water.
First and foremost. It's not a water-proof phone, so don't expect that I'm rich. I immediately grab it and it's so wet.
After a while, it gets a lot of touch bug and plugged in headset which is full of water in it.
tried to wash it after I'm done pooping. shut the phone and wait until it's all dry.
After that, my phone went to teamwip(bootloader) telling me that the custom OS is missing.
After some coding, I checked my phone and it's all normal now.
Lesson Learned: never shit when you have a phone with you.4 -
Do you guys have any stories about where people know you have knowledge of computers and then you instantly become some "hacker"
Here's mine:
In my math class were completely technology orientated and everyone has their own laptop. For half of the class we do this computer program and there's different sections of it which covers different topics of math, as you complete each section the section completed becomes green to signify it's been completed. Well I poked around in inspect element until I found what sets the status as completed, so me being me I set everything to completed as a joke to show my friends (of course once you refreshed the page it disappeared). Now I show my friends, and this class is big (60 students with 2 instructors) so obviously more people than just my friends saw it. Well apparently the word got around and my instructors found out, next thing I know I'm getting called down to their room during my period 5. They began threatening to take away all my laptop privileges and tell the principal ect. (Basically a bunch of unnecessary things) Well I ended up showing them what I did and proving it to them that it was only a client side change and not a server side, and that if I refresh the page it set my status back to where I should be. From there on out in that class I've been called "hacker" by both, the instructors and the students.
So basically some people don't know the difference between a joke and hacking \(•_•)/
If anyone else has any other examples I'd love to hear them.5 -
Note: this is a joke, it's not code related.
Someone goes to a restaurant, and he asks what they got, and the reply to him: "we have a crochet leg, a chopped liver and ligaments"
He says back: "don't tell me about your problems" XD10 -
Needs repeating:
Q: Why do programmers always get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
A: Because Oct(31)==dec(25)2 -
!rant A guy is standing on the corner of the street! smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors." -
Learning a new programming language is a lot like putting on a new pair of underpants. At first it's restrictive but then it becomes a part of you!4
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Joke:
A linux programmer walks into a restaurant, orders some food from the menu, and asks for a fork. After a while all the programmers at that restaurant start asking for forks. -
Joke 1: A good horse is expensive. A Trojan can be more expensive.
Joke 2: She: "Do you love me?"
He: "!yes, babe"
(! = not)7 -
Is it possible to buy one of those two key binary keyboards, I would like to buy one as a joke but no one seems to sell them.6
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Old,but gold programmer joke
Wife asks her programmer husband to go and buy some things from a shop.
Wife: Go and buy 1 carton of milk,if they have eggs in the shop - bring 6.
Programmer comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
Wife: Why you bought 6 cartons of milk?
Programmer: Because they had eggs.1 -
Why did the programmer get stuck in the shower?
Because the instructions on the shampoo bottle said, “Lather, rinse, repeat.” -
Do you know why programmers have wife and also girlfriend? Wife thinks he is with girlfriend, girlfriend thinks he is with wife and he can calmly programming. :D
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Haha, I was checking a bug of something that is displaying wrong in the app that I'm currently working, reported by the manager of the IT department, and he took the trouble of taking photo of the phone instead of a screenshot XD1
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01001001 01110100 00100111 01110011 00100000 01100101 01101001 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01101111 01110010 00100000 01101111 01100110 01100110 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01110011 01101000 01101001 01110100 00101110 00100000 01000001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101111 01110010 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 001011106
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Tabs over Spaces.
PHP over Python.
Internet Explorer over Firefox.
Death over Life.
@dfox over @trogus?4 -
Treatment women like objects isn't normal,
but on OOP it is.
Women women = new Women();
OOP. Not even once.1
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