Job offers be like...

We need a VIRGIN with at least 2 years EXPERIENCE of SEX

Friend: I hate my new OnePlus 6. It's really slow and hangs a lot

Me: I can't believe

Friend: Use it yourself, you'll know.

*Me using his phone
*Realising it was really slow
*Checking his installed apps

- CCleaner
-DU Booster
-Antivirus free version
-Antivirus pro
-Antivirus ultimate
-Battery Saver
-App Booster
-Super Cleaner
-RAM Master

*poured poision in his coffee
*enjoyed watching him die slowly

I had to add a "I'm not a robot" checkbox to protect an email address written in a page reachable only from our intranet. Boss asked, I executed.

🙊 "So what's the url of the new website?"
🎀 "domain.tld"
🙊 *opens google, types in domain*
🙊 "no. That's not right. Give me the right one, please."
🎀 *🔪*

Built a few php scripts allowing me to automatically download pics and videos from a porn'ish site.

Entirely unnecessarily and I hardly use it (I can just go to the site) but hey, automation is fun!

Pick your programming language Waifu devRant.

Early in my career I was assigned the task of implementing a 3D pie chart into our application that you could spin and rotate with your mouse. You know, because sometimes you want to see the sides and the back of a pie chart.

Arrives at hospital.

Opens laptop.

Plugs laptop in.

Laptop doesn't charge.

"REALLY YOU FUCK?"

Programming

In my previous job boss wanted me to implement all features found on WhatsApp 🤦🏼‍♂️

I'm lucky I found another job two months later

in python script; a for loop inside a recursive function to slow down stdout. i don't know time.sleep(n) back then

Any stupid landing page requested in WordPress because that's one of the few things WordPress is total overkill for and thus even more of a pain in the arse to use.

You'll just end up bending everything to suit an artificial purpose vomited up by investors, PMs and bosses who don't have the faintest clue how the web works.

Then you'll be shoehorning this monster into becoming something a super light Node server and a React SPA or maybe even a pure HTML/CSS site with some images could do better and, what's more important, fuckloads faster. Even Jekyll or any other static site generator would just have worked.

But no, clients almost always want a "backend", so they can not pay an intern for twiddling their thumbs into knots, until they die of boredom, while pestering me every day with stupid, minute wishes for content changes, until their stupid product finally fails.

I fucking hate looking at the rants of all these cotton assed butterflies of programmers saying android studio or other fullly featured IDEs "suck" and they are the worst/slow etc...

REALLY YOU DICKWAD? Do you have any idea of the amount of code that was written to make your miserable life a little bit easier and also how hard is to maintain a fucking huge project like this and keep it snappy? Or maybe you wanna spend the rest of your life coding with fucking notepad just to see how spoiled your ass has become... In the mean time if you cannot build a better alternative on your own, why don't you SHUT THE FUCK UP and appreciate a product that is given to you FREE OF CHARGE (android studio) so you can efficiently put your stackoverflow pastes in it?

My first rant was about this topic.
I once made a program using C++ which would allow you to make HTML pages.
I made a menu using switch () like this:
1. Add Title to website
2. Add Image
3. Add New Line
4. Add paragraph
Etc..
This was the most useless and stupid thing I ever made

[Waterproof]

A: Look!! I bought me a Xperia Z3!! I can even use it underwater!!!

Me: Meh! I got me a watch that can function underwater no matter what!!

B: BS.

Me: It's TRUE!. You can scuba dive with it. You can drop it from the moon and it will still function. The only thing it can't stand is an active volcano.

A & B: How much did you pay for it?

Me: ¥100. Cheap!!

A & B: How come?

Me: Its made from rubber.

😂😂😂

Found it on Facebook.
What kind of person you are?

In our self-developed intranet, i added a hidden script that fires an 'event' when you enter the konami code.

Said event it's simply turning thw screen contrast to 200% and play the audio of 'omae wa mou shindeiru'.

I was planning to make some more of those, but i don't have the time to do them ;_;

one of few programming topics more controversial than politics

!Dev
Aren't Mondays absolutely pathetic.
Sitting in court 🙂 (mom's contesting divorce) had to face shrewed af mediator, and my dad whom I haven't talked to since or seen for months, the person I absolutely hate.

Absolute mental torture.
I hope this ends soon.
Thinking of what my little sister is going through makes it worse.

Had to built a "theme color" switcher for a website. Total waste of time, but the desktop app had it and customer was convinced it was a key feature.