do you think people deserve their place?

typical tech experience: https://youtube.com/watch/...

> Parkinson’s disease results from the progressive loss of dopamine-producing neurons in the substantia nigra. Research in this field was revolutionized in the early 1980s when recreational drug users who injected a badly synthesized synthetic heroin rapidly developed severe Parkinson’s-like symptoms due to it being contaminated with MPTP, an agent whose active metabolite (MPP+) specifically targeted those neurons, making it possible to reliably model Parkinson’s in laboratory animals. This was followed by the realization that one herbicide (paraquat) was very similar to MPP+, another pesticide (rotenone) also causing similar damage to neurons, a variety of pesticides being linked to a higher risk of Parkinson’s (such as organophosphates), and 6-OHDA also being able to reliably create Parkinson’s.

world needs a refactor maybe

I also love how the guy who "diagnosed" me with multiple sclerosis, first thing he insistingly pushed, was that I go get more vaccines. If a vaccine caused my brain damage why would I get more. Then for a year after that everyone is insisting such a thing is "impossible". Until I figured out the right question to ask AI and found out... Literally every study of multiple sclerosis which used rats to model its behaviour... had to induce multiple sclerosis in the rats. Guess how they did it. With a vaccine. Lol. But vaccines causing brain lesions is impossible. This multiple sclerosis doctor I went is top of his field. That's all he specializes in. You think he didn't know all the studies he was reading about his specialty induced multiple sclerosis in rats using vaccines? He wasn't young either. Like 40s. Maybe he didn't even bother to read any science; probably too busy attending pharma conferences to know what other 40k a year drugs to push on his disabled patients that he milks instead of helping.

is it strange if you wanted to cry you'd have nobody to turn to?
I find myself annoyed with people. So I don't understand the sudden urge. I don't need "validation". I don't want to talk; that's always bad. So I don't even know what I want.

---

a second question:

is it strange to have nobody to turn to for help?

if you got sick would somebody back you? how far would they go?

---

this spring people keep noticing me be human and lighting up, and every time I think they're like aliens (since they're not trying to fuck with me like everybody else has been). Like I saw a pretty flower on a deck earlier today and tried to sniff it, and the owner of the restaurant just so happen to loudly barge through his door out onto the deck and he exclaimed at me seeing me trying to sniff his flower, like with pride and glee (the flower was fake by the way). I smiled back because, you know, nice human moment and I don't know it's either reflex or I couldn't help myself but fuck.

But the last few years of my life have been worst than the Holocaust. Millions of people have died, and everyone is complicit and doesn't even know it. And yet.

I feel like I'm seeing the phrase "ignorance is bliss" from a new angle. people think it means climate change or something. it's way worse, and it happened yesterday and it happens tomorrow and it's everyone on the street being kidnapped as if by secret police but we pretend it isn't happening. That's what ignorance is bliss means? If you want bliss, pretend to be one of the ignorant.

But is there any purpose to be friends with the ignorant? Do the knowing pretend to be ignorant so they can co-mingle in bliss, and then if somebody gets sick you turn over the poker cards and find out who was ignorant and who was not? If you get sick do any of your ignorant friends care? Is there a point in making friends with that restaurant owner? I've surprised either him or one of his employees before by picking up a sign that had fallen down. People keep being so happy to me when I act human. But I've not been human for years; I've been a poisoned, dying zombie barely scraping for life.

I think I found the solution to my poison. But I can't see them as human now either. I don't know what to do. Ignorance is bliss? I see a person I expect the pitchforks. Maybe we all just forget. But why forget? To find out the poker cards are fucked? what's the point in putting in energy. Or maybe we all do. We all make those bets. I don't even know what I'm asking.

If everyone was slowly being poisoned by something and will all die of cancer and general disintegration but they don't know it and think everything is fine

similarly you noticing this, everyone sanctions and ostracizes and makes fun of you. or worse, tries to take advantage of you even though you're seriously disabled

upon figuring out how to cure yourself, would you go back to those who dismissed you, ridiculed, dehumanized, and tried to steal from you? Would you want to help them? Or would you hope they dig their heels in even deeper and die faster, for all our sakes?

especially if they're authority figures who discriminated against you. They killed people. They keep killing people. Is it more moral to encourage them down the path of self-destruction; accelerationism? The numbers and humanity's quality of life will be overall better if you just play into their biases and encourage them to keep doing the self-destructive things they keep authoritatively insisting others do to themselves...

Or should one have hope, some kind of faith in humanity, and try to save everyone no matter how they showed their characters to be? In my experience I've never seen someone's character change... so by saving a bad person, this implies you'd make the world worse...

Okay if you think there's too much to learn in tech

I have now learned there's far far too much to learn in writing

I never even found tech overwhelming... You get the basics and just stack them all the time. Writing, though, everybody invents some totally new thing that's totally original. I am drowning. And then you get to the culture... People just shame you for not knowing everything that has ever happened in the culture. I've consumed a lot of culture, probably more than others, and I can't consume all of culture. It's like pornhub. People upload more of it than you'd ever be able to consume. Art can't sustain itself under its own weight. And you're not considered serious, even by plebians, unless you consumed hundreds of years of every media on one specific topic.

You can't even make the argument that they're looking for an Angular engineer with 12 years experience when angular's only been out 3 years.

It's been out since before you were even born; what do you mean you haven't seen it?!

inb4 I use devrant for SEO advancement myself...

actually I both want attention and not. The duality of man.

wait... wtf. I've been tricked into networking somehow

my skills at being honest yet getting the best reddit comments are fucking networking? This is not at all how anyone describes networking.

I am terrified at how good I am accidentally at networking.

I'm actually too distracted by the networking to get any real work done. Is this how all those middle managers felt. What is happening to me.

wait what

people keep writing about having a hacker mindset... this blog in particular actually gave examples. and it's just "don't believe what people say" and can generally be summed up to cut the process to that 20/80 rule, avoid institutional / expert knowledge because it's bogus and full of false dogma and myths

I got all this in spades!

I'm so confused though.

I loved video games -- because if I broke the rules and it worked, well I got the goods. but when a friend of mine kept badgering me about board games, which I found annoying; why do I have to keep track of the rules in my head? I'm very lazy you see. well when I found the loopholes in the rules and used them... suddenly everyone turns on you and redoes what they meant by the rules

and I've found real ambiguous life to be like those board games. if you break the rules, even suggest it, everyone sanctions you

so how is this the trick? how does it make any sense?

I love cold systems because they're unopinionated but people really love their rules, and it doesn't matter how good you are you're just offensive scum if you're not doing their dogma. I feel so stuck in this. something has a bug somewhere

every time I get a mass-sent corporate "casual" email with my real first name at the top I feel like Will Smith at the Grammy's

btw AI is vastly worse at writing than programming

which is ironic. because that's all it was trained on. programming is the extra feature on the whole writing foundation...

it seems people can't tell when something doesn't have a consciousness... when it isn't talking in "meaning". that is such a grotesque and disturbing fact we have discovered as a species. top macabre.

kind of makes sense. nobody knew why I was obsessed about the tao. it seems like such a lame thing. but if you don't have it then you don't have it I guess

to be fair when people came up to me and asked me where to find "meaning" I was like ???? buzzword. of course no context for what they meant by the word. DO YOU MEAN THE MEANING OF A WORD? MEANING OF WHAT. you'd think the philosophical topic of "meaning of life" would come up but instead they would just walk away. well what do you mean by meaning, goddamnit?! I guess a robot can't answer. where did he get that idea though? someone gave him the meaning in his head! has he tried looking there for it? 🙄

I did not expect for blogs to run the world

this is just such a plot twist I can't even

who saw this coming, seriously!

it's not the satanists or the occultists. it's not the government. it's not the "deep state" or secret societies... it's the writers of society lol

writing seems too banal to be anything of note. especially in modern era where everyone writes an awful lot of retarded shit on social media. no one ever has a unique opinion. no one even knows of history or classics. when I found books on a damned dark net website I had cried. my best friends ended up dead people that lived long ago. but I didn't see the ecosystem. all I saw is their ideas are better than modern ideas. so many authors got to the correct essence of a thing but then got forgotten by history. it made no sense to me why we laud our own greatness, as if now is the best time ever, when so much insight, rightness, even techniques and technology has been just simply forgotten. not even lost just... it's there. just no one knows. we have the biggest library ever constructed by man. we have search engines. and all of it is never consulted. we bumble around like idiots

and if you point out brown water a lion is swimming in is not in fact poop but just soil reddit tells you to vamanos

oh I think if I enjoy something nobody would pay anyone for that. that's my problem

I get so triggered when people talk about effort or hard work or how you should always suffer. pretty sure their understanding of "work" is you must hate it... I guess kind of like how boomers made all those jokes about love being about hating someone "but being with them anyway". which frankly really disgusted me and I rejected, because my grandparents loved each other dearly and without words, so that psy ops never worked on me. but my grandparents were quite rich self-made people by the time I arrived, retired and never working with no cognition of money, and my mom was just a PhD academic who never engaged with the capitalism so I was just ripe for the dredges of toxic workplace opinions

they say if you love something you'll never work a day in your life. I chose something I loved and I felt all wrong and like my love was meant to be trampled on. I resented that phrase. why would they tell you such terrible things, to lead you like a lemming off a cliff? a trick. you love something so you'll stay around even if we don't feed you. we'll all tell you all your beauty is irrelevant. your love is worthless. we don't share it. we can't see it. it's just something you imagined. you're insane for feeling good about anything. here, we will give you reasons to feel bad and tell you how bad we feel, after all we put so much effort into everything and it's so hard and painful but it's all worth it. we are better than you so you should suffer just like we do, because we are fed and you're not so that's what you must do to become like us. listen to me talk about how I'm making you do overtime and I really wish I could be there with you doing overtime but I have to go take my kids to extracurriculars on this wonderful weekend morning, kids I can afford and you'll never afford

during a dinner the CEO showed a picture of his cozy house once, and it was small but I thought it was just something he liked. that cozy look. I said his house looked nice. he said if I worked hard I could have one one day too. did I not work hard enough? I would come home and pass out. I got migraines so intense I could not see and thought I was going to hurl. when I'd need to go home and lay down in a dark room to make them stop, to make myself not want to kill myself because the pain was so great, it was like I hadn't said anything at all. he offered me Indian food as a prize for all the work I did. I could not stomach every light, sound and sensation, how was I going to stomach Indian food. is it because I wasn't complaining? is it because I was too good so there was no reason to ever fix what didn't seem broken? I told him once, when he told me I had to be "responsive" right before my first vacation, that such a thing would not make me happy. he yelled at me that the client would not be happy

i love snobs

justify your worth

today a drunk hobo yelled down a major crowded street at me saying she loved my shirt

I actually felt pretty embarrassed to be wearing this shirt. I bought it cuz I went fuckit one day. I was dying anyway. I had to be outside twice today and it didn't occur to me that I would be out of laundry. I tried to cover it with an overshirt the first time to not scare the kids, like literal kids are everywhere on my daily walk path

thinking back on it I should've given the hobo like 40$. nobody ever says anything nice anymore, or does anything nice for anyone anymore. but I'm poor and in the same boat as the hobo. probably for the same reason. my eyes just glazed over and I was just concerned about myself and nobody else

just browsed some books again. I was browsing books with the word "difficult" in them, thinking maybe I'd find something interesting. interestingly most books with this word are about management dealing with people at work. all of the books, in the sparknotes, were disgustingly dehumanizing. at least I'm catching up to the rules of the game I guess. very late. I hate my optimism. I should've always been disgusted but I had always hoped humanity was better. why-ever did I think such a thing? who put it in my head?

they say the greatest trick the devil ever pulled is convince the world he isn't real

I'm not used to making mistakes. and some mistakes feel so very big

did you know people are supposed to get better at things they do the more they do them...

talk about "her videos are so goood": https://youtu.be/-4s23sNq6mM/...

and well researched and enlightening and stuff

bruhh no wonder the D&D crowd is so annoying. so much brainwashing smh

geez

I wondered if there's like a "best of AI" subreddit or something. some actual genuine fun, memes around AI and what people do with it. but there isn't. best I found is an AI forum but it's everyone complaining about if their jobs will be taken away from them or not

dead tech, 100% man. nobody is actually excited about this or making use of it. I think everyone just hates it

... earlier heard a dude say AI gets 10% of things wrong, and when it gets it wrong it's like a drunk teenager eating lead. I think 10% is a serious underestimation... the guy claims he doesn't let his AI make actual decisions/responses/reactions/control anything at his company... but he's using it to tell him its judgements on data in his system. if the AI can't be trusted to reply, why are you trusting it to understand without verifying it yourself? he thinks he's being so clever with that... but it just never occurred to him it could be making errors in its perceptions. if it's soooo badly dangerous that it often deletes whole systems when given access there is absolutely no reason to think it doesn't "seriously misjudge" the data it looks at to begin with... it SERIOUSLY MISJUDGING the data it's looking at is probably how it's ending up deleting various systems? this guy just doesn't think to check. I guess perceptions are considered cheap but they're the most expensive thing there is -- because EVERYTHING is downstream from perceptions. OODA loop. my god. and this guy thinks he's an AI skeptic...

we're all just folly to our human laziness I suppose

do you believe in earning things or do you use some other strategy in life?

is there something you regretted not having asked, or could've made your life better had you tried to ask it? what about something now you could ask that could make your life better, or fun, or interesting, etc, whatever?

does your ability to do math come and wane and if so, how?

how does one become a polished gem if they won't take the first scuff

ever been scared to read a book?

relatedly, has a book triggered you?

this is the first year doing taxes is uneventful... I am so freaked out by it

so I don't have to try to get access to my account on a website that randomly can't take in valid information for hours a day for 2-4 weeks?

the login just WORKED?! I didn't need to send a picture of my passport and the AI telling me I don't look like myself on suspicious as hell websites until I'm locked out?

it even PULLED PREVIOUS YEARS of information?

I have literally never had previous years pull ever succeed

here I was setting aside at least a full day at best but it's taken me under an hour

I have never heard of this and I am scared

government is too powerful if it suddenly figured out how to fix its technical issues. surveillance state now. omens of darker things to come. THE END IS NIGH

excuse me why are we fighting in the middle east

originally combustion engines used distilled alcohol farmers made in their backyards... which you can make from anything that has a sugar in it

it was more efficient than gasoline

but gasoline "had won" because they undercut the price of alcohol, gasoline lobbying the government to put a tax on alcohol and the whole prohibition thing

why are we even doing green scam. alcohol making has absolutely nothing environmentally harmful on it lol. those windmills and solar panels rot and leech chemicals into the environment, and those lithium batteries are a crazy explosion and toxic cloud hazard

humans, why.

now everyone is bitching about gasoline prices and itching to uselessly go to a war instead of Canada bothering to drill up oil under our territory that could power the world's energy consumption for the next 200 years and that's just the deposits we know about and assume are finite...

I hate humans

the green scam people say ohnooo so much food is wasted at the grocery store, we must use AI to improve the logistics and never make more than the necessary food because waste is so ungreen. ok you could make it into alcohol which is a more efficient gasoline. and no need to lug an extra ton of battery weight underneath every vehicle that now has an explosion radius of 30 meters lmao

it's like we wanna die

naked molerats are effectively immortal

high trust society but everything is a scam

strange that every company is #1 innovative best people ever

another project I can't start and instead procrastinate, wah wah wah

... actually that didn't happen with programming projects. programming is pretty fun. like solving sudokus all the time. how am I supposed to stay motivated if I'm not frustrated?!